Disclaimer : I do not own Evangelion, although like many others I wish I did. I own none of the characters. This is a normal Eva fic, not sure about Eva battles because I am trying to focus on Shinji's torment and hopeful revenge, hehe. Read and Review, I need criticism and I need to know people are reading this garbage. Anyhoo, on with the show!

Right then

'Thought'

"Speech"

"(Actions in speech)"

-

"So what am I supposed to do now Misato?"

"I don't know Shinji… there isn't anyone on the planet who can answer that question, people need to answer that from inside themselves. Sometimes people draw off their own experiences to give a sort of answer but they are never very good and to be quite honest, you are an exceptional case."

The purple haired Major's eyes made sure they couldn't make contact with her charges. She knew that he would either be staring at the lake more, or staring up at her wanting her to be the mother that she can never be. She stared at the stars as they appeared in greater and greater numbers, the area they sat in was quite far from the centre of town, here the light pollution was almost at a minimum. For a time she found herself lost in the stars hoping that her own problems would simply be lost in the infinity. After a few moments she noticed that Shinji had still not spoken, she mused for a moment that he was actually trying to figure out his next step but she knew better. Her assumption was proved correct a few moments later, when Shinji did speak again.

"But I don't deserve to live… I killed him…"

"SUCK IT UP!"

Shinji was shocked by this one, before he had sat with his legs held up against his chest and his eyes staring vacantly at the water with every sentence, this last one made his eyes widen. They were already watering from thinking of Kawouru so it was incredibly easy for him to break down completely. Misato watched as he moved in almost a textbook manner, first there was the crying, then his legs were held tighter, bringing them upwards until he was his smallest possible shape. If he had been knocked over at this point he would have resembled a foetus in a mother's womb.

"Pathetic."

This hurt Shinji even more, not just because of its meaning, or even who said it, but simply who it reminded him of. There was only one person in the world that called him that word, although it certainly wasn't the only negative word he had been called, it was the favourite and almost reserved word of one person. That one person who held all his hate in one hand and all his love in the other, while he held only her hate in his. He tried to push every image he had of her out of his mind at this point as he remembered every word and insult she had ever said to him.

'She never needed a reason to hate me… NO! Don't think that! Why? She's a stupid bi… No! I care about her! She only hurts those around her, why bother with her? NO NO NO SHUT UP!'

Shinji's eyes shot open, he stood up slowly, almost drunkenly, and he looked up at his guardian, who had turned to the lake. He retook his position on the ground and Misato sighed.

"Are you coming home?"

"No thanks. I'm going to stay here a little longer."

"Alright… don't be too late."

Shinji nodded a little and then gazed back out to the lake, although Misato thought he was deep in thought he was actually following her. His eyes had closed a little and were turned to the side and he was following her footsteps with his ears. The 'clip' of the heal and the 'clop' of the sole, Clip, clop, clip, clop he followed every step to the car. The click of the keys and the shunt of the door opening, then the rest all blurred as the door shut and the car disappeared down the road. Eventually he could just see the headlights out of the corner of his eye, then when he finally sure she was gone he stood up.

"I have to sort this out."

'I'm talking to myself, this isn't healthy!'

"Although thinking like that is talking to yourself too… no I need this, I need my ears to hear it."

He brushed off his trousers, he looked around the area, up at Kawouru's perch, at the beach and at the tire tracks. He then focused his thoughts, he had never tried to order them, or give them any sort of meaning, in truth he had tried to hide them, even from himself.

"In order to get over this I need to do what she said. I need to suck it up. I can't let it get me anymore… I'll try… for you Misato!

Meanwhile Misato sped into town, her cell-phone beeped and she looked at it for a few seconds. The name on the phone, the caller ID, she couldn't believe it.

"Ritsuko."

She said down the receiver, part of her wanted to be excited, talking to her friend but then there was the possibility of it being section 37 checking numbers and also the knowledge that Ritsuko was a bit nutty and a crap friend.

"Yes Major Katsuragi, it's me."

In a way Misato was relieved but she still felt like there was something nagging at her.

"So they released you?"

"Yes, it seems that the objects in question were not disclosed to the committee, and thus they ordered Ikari to release me and get me back to work."

"That is good, we need your help more than ever!"

For a moment the old Misato, Captain Katsuragi appeared, the Misato that used to live in the apartment and rarely go to work, not rarely go home and live in the office. While Misato frowned and tried to regain her composure, Ritsuko had sensed the innocence and she gave a small smile to it.

"Well I have been reviewing the data, I was hoping you would be free to see me about Shinji's recent status."

"When did you have in mind."

"Now?"

"Well I'll be at NERV in… 5 seconds."

Misato had been driving in autopilot during the entire journey, with the city so deserted it was easy to forget the usual rules and laws and just switch off. It did add to the mounting evidence that she was spending too much time at the office when she drove there on instinct. She placed the phone down and took the journey, she passed her own office on the way to Ritsuko's, stopped in and dropped some things, before picking up Shinji's recent progress report. She stepped into her colleague's office in silence and their greeting was very official, she stood saluted and sat on instruction.

"You know Misato you don't have to act like that around me."

"Oh don't worry I wasn't bothered by the sight of you going mental and killing all those Rei's, 'soul-less dolls' or not they could have been given life."

"Misato, I have absolutely no reason to speak about that event, so please don't. It happened and I spent several weeks in a cell, let it be, we need to focus on the point. Shinji."

The Major rooted through her sheets and folders before pulling out one that had his recent school testing.

"Well academically he has declined, he was getting a solid B before the Suzuhara incident, then afterwards he slipped to a low B, after the incident involving Rei, he slipped to a C. Then Asuka disappeared and reappeared in a coma, Shinji dropped a little further but then…well…"

"Tabris?"

"Yes, the 17th angel, after one week his attainment has recovered by two marks, which still has him failing."

"It would seem that it affected him significantly, far more than Suzuhara incident or even First child's so-called reincarnation."

"Apparently Kawouru… the angel, told Shinji he loved him, I think it might actually have been the first time anyone has said it to him."

"And he was forced to kill him?"

"Yes."

"Well that would do it, Shinji's record has him at a high level probability of schizophrenia, which I agree with, he hasn't had the most loving environment in his life. If the first person to show him such kindness is killed, or worse yet killed by him, it could send him further into his depression."

"What else does it say about him in that report?"

"Everything, I would say you don't need to know, but with his failing sync-ratio, it is part of the operation's department as well. The most relevant entry is his depression, now when he came here that was at a very low level, his self-esteem was at a minimum, but he didn't hate himself as such. Since becoming an Eva pilot he has placed all his value in being an Eva pilot, even when it hurts him, this means he began hating himself. Now apart from the battles that have worn him down more and more we also have the fact that Shinji cannot hate anyone else, he just believes it is a problem with himself."

"So Asuka…"

"So Shinji hates himself more when Asuka is a bitch. Which is pretty often."

"Hey! Don't insult someone who is less that 100 metres from here in a hospital bed, comatose!"

"DON'T YELL AT ME! That little bitch bit me before!"

Ritsuko waved her hand at Misato, with the blood evident underneath it made her wonder and she quickly spotted the look on Ritsuko's face as she let a fact slip.

"Is Asuka awake?"

-

"Okay and then even if I do like Rei she isn't the same which leads to the tank in NERV…"

Shinji was muttering to himself, using a couple of glow stick to illuminate Shinji's patch of beach. It had all his thoughts and feelings on it, he knew he could never tell anyone them and that making himself face them would be hard but by drawing the easy stuff he could focus on the hard stuff and use the drawing for support. Now this was a large drawing, spreading about five metres in all directions from where he stood in the centre, each bubble was connected to another and it was far enough down the beach to be washed away in the morning when the tide came in. He then stepped back, he tiptoed over the picture and clambered onto one of the large rocks that laced the landscape, he then used a torch Misato had left in a bag for him to follow from box to box.

"Right, first box… father. He hates me. I hate him. He doesn't deserve my love, respect or admiration, and I don't need his praise. It's because of him I grew up with my teacher, and was never capable of making friends easily. Friends…(Moves torch along to a box with Touji and Kensuke's names in) yet I still managed to make some and we had some good times. Until…. Evangelion unit 04, if I had neutralised the Eva I could have saved the entry plug and Touji would still be in one piece. Robotics or not he is still incomplete because of me!"

Shinji then turned to follow a large line to a separate diagram of the pros and cons of Eva piloting.

"The Eva… my purpose. I have no value without it. I only cause pain with it, then why do I bother? Why do any of us bother? Rei does it to connect with the people, Asuka does it to prove she's the best… Asuka… Asuka…"

Shinji's head dropped and for a moment no one would be laughed at for believing he was about to cry, but even he was surprised when he just felt a rage take over him.

"Dumpkopf! Hentai! BAKA! I HATE YOU, YOU BITCH!"

With that Shinji's fist clenched and he smacked the rock he stood on with all his strength, it was so much that his feet actually lifted a little. That was the first time Shinji had lashed out, at least with his own hands. He always just hid the pain, from others and from himself, but to physically abuse a rock or himself, it was all new. He stood at top the rock once more and looked at the bloodied end of his hand, he brought his hand up to it and felt the moving bones.

"That hurt… but I feel a little better…"

Shinji looked back at his drawing, some blood had splattered onto the diagram and it seemed to indicate Asuka's name, although Shinji never classed himself as one who believed in luck, fate or signs, he couldn't help but think…

'Maybe Asuka is the source of my problems…'

"Owww. I should get this looked at."

Shinji grabbed the bag with his good hand and began walking towards the nearest hospital, hoping to get his hand looked at. As he walked away he missed the large chipping sound as the small patch of blood a top the rock he punched seemed to crack in each direction.

-

"A broken hand, are you sure?"

"Yes, don't worry he will have full use of his fingers in a couple of weeks, after that we'll give him some special bandages."

"Mr. Aoba, it isn't a problem, really!"

"Shinji, you are important to Ne… to us, how could you break your hand?"

"I was sat by the lake and thought I saw a pendant I had dropped a few days ago underneath a rock… and as I grabbed it the rock rolled onto my hand."

"You aren't lying are you?"

"No."

"Doctor?"

"It is consistent with a large force crushing the knuckle area, looking at the extent of the damage he would have had to punch a speeding bus to do this much damage himself in a fight."

"Right, thank you sir."

"Anytime."

"Come on Shinji, I'll take you home."

Shinji sat in the front of the car, his arms crossed and his fingers sticking out the end of the bandages.

'Why would I get into a fight? Why would I lie? How did I do this much damage to myself? Where the fuck is Misato? Whoa, lots of questions tonight.'

"You know there will be a lot of questions tonight."

"I know, hey, do you know why Misato wasn't able to pick me up?"

"She was… busy… she'll be there when you get in, that was the message."

"Fine guardian she is."

'Holy cow was that Shinji bad mouthing someone? Worse was that Shinji badmouthing Misato? Shit!'

Aoba quickly tried to change the subject while he was driving, he knew he couldn't endure another 10 minutes of silence so he gave Shinji the once over and tried to think of something.

"Hey… have you dyed your hair?"

Shinji woke up a little and stared at him.

'Did he just ask me if I had dyed my hair? I've never dyed my hair.'

"Did you just ask me if I had dyed my hair?"

"Yeah, it looks darker than usual, almost black in fact."

"I don't think so, maybe I got mud in it or something when I tried to get the rock off me."

"Oh right…"

At this point silence was agreed to be the lesser of two evils by both parties, the car slowly pulled into the apartment block car park. Aoba had spent the rest of the journey with his eyes flicking between the road and Shinji, but the younger boy was simply staring out of the window, the only difference from usual at this point was Shinji's right hand. As the boy's face rested in his left, the right hand was relatively free and loose, it wasn't classified information that Shinji's hand tended to flex a lot when it was left in active. In fact anyone who had attended a psych briefing knew about it, it was 'a symbol of his insecurity' as Ritsuko had put it. So Aoba was almost frightened when the stillness of the hand was added to the other bizarre behaviour Shinji was showing on the journey.

"Well here we are."

"Right."

Both males exited the car, Aoba didn't even bother to lock the door, this area of town was deserted, with the damage to the surrounding areas from angel attacks, people didn't like the chances of living in the one untouched place. As they moved towards the building Shinji noticed a definite increase in Aoba's own insecurity, it had gone from being subtle to being outright open. The occasionally shifting eyes had increased until almost every step had a glance at Shinji, while his breathing had increased exponentially. When they approached the door Shinji lifted his hand up to the door and froze. The gulping sound was the last straw, so Shinji turned to the elder man.

"Is there something I have to be worried about on the other side of this door, Mr Aoba?"

The man stared at him, almost like the video froze at the cliff-hanger of a film, Shinji waited for a moment and the man regained his composure.

"Erm. No, I don't think so."

"Asuka's on the other side isn't she?"

"NO!"

This was too abrupt to be truthful, internally Aoba was kicking himself.

'Damn it! I was ordered not to tell him! (Internally mimicking Misato) If he finds out Asuka is here he might not come back! See now look, wait for it, the running. Wait…He's still here.'

Shinji was staring at the door, the name tag, M. Katsuragi, for almost a minute he didn't move, there was a small twitch from his plastered right arm. He looked at the name plate a little more.

"Well let's see how bad it is."

'Okay it's the end of the world, hell's frozen over! Where are the N2 mines? Where's third Impact? Shinji is facing something, it's the end of everything.'

Aoba was almost crying, he watched Shinji raise his hand to the door, it was almost in contact with it, he touched it and flinched. Aoba's face brightened as the hand moved away from the door for a moment, but that brightness gave way to darkness as Shinji's hand balled up and he smacked the door, nice and hard. The look in Shinji's eyes showed a determination that Aoba had only seen on him during an Eva battle, it was certainly worrying. When the door slid open, Misato was stood on the other side, still dressed in her full uniform. She stared down at him with a harsh face that would have made the old Shinji take two steps back, hell, it made Aoba take two steps back and he wasn't in trouble. Shinji's vision met Misato's then he simply stared to the side, running away from the vision of impending doom, after a few seconds, Misato cleared her throat.

"What? You want me to apologise? I'm sorry but I'm in a bit too much pain to start blaming myself for this, can we start in the morning?"

Misato almost choked.

'WHAT DID HE SAY!?'

"You know, it's kinda cold out here Misato, so maybe you could let the injured into the nice warm apartment?"

'Huh?'

"Oh right yeah."

Shinji walked past the woman, he walked into the main living area, he made sure not to stop, the longer the journey took the more likely it was he would bump into her. He made a B-line for his room, the door with the pink 'Shinji's luxury suite' sign, if he could just make it then he would be fine. His hand reached for the door, he pulled it open and took a single step inside.

"Back are you?"

'So close.'

Shinji's head didn't move from its orientation, his foot moved back so he could stand normally outside of the doorway. He knew she was there, the red-devil, the creature of evil, spawn of Satan and general not-nice-person, Asuka Langley Soryu.

"I leave for a couple of weeks and the invincible Shinji breaks his arm. What an idiot, it really is pathetic."

"I'm sorry Asuka."

"And there he goes apologising again."

"I'm sorry the doctors couldn't fix your personality, so I guess they really aren't miracle workers. Ah well, Good night."

Shinji took another step into his room, it took that time for Asuka to register what Shinji had actually said. Both Misato and Aoba, who had been discussing the hospital and drive, had overheard the conversation and were completely thrown off by the comment. Then came the stomping.

"You wanna put that past me again!"

Asuka grabbed Shinji by the collar, she tried to lift him but only managed to get him on tiptoes, inside Shinji was actually smirking that he was standing on tiptoes deliberately. Asuka stared at his dark and lowered face.

"Want to try that again, baka!?"

Shinji twitched, that word was beginning to grate. The fact that the room was dark made it hard for Asuka to notice that Shinji's hair had gone completely black. As she looked at him more and more he seemed to get angrier and angrier.

"You pathetic little boy! You insult me then stay silent and pray I didn't hear you! Then you just run back to your room and hope I leave you alone! I should beat you where you stand!"

Misato and Aoba just watched from the door, still completely shocked by Shinji, his now lack of any movement was completely uncharacteristic. By now he would be squirming, trying to pry Asuka off of himself and apologising profusely. When Misato did eventually move to stop her, Shinji lowered himself from the balls of his feet onto his heels, Asuka felt his weight seem to increase and muttered a little. Shinji's head was now level with Asuka's he raised it slowly and stared blankly into her eyes.

'This is it? This is all she's got? How could I have been so afraid?'

The emptiness of his eyes scared Asuka, her grip on his throat had loosened and as his shallow breathing continued there seemed to be an almost psychotic look to them. Then just as she was about to run away herself, Shinji's mouth opened.

"Were you saying something?"

Asuka's eyes shrank to the size of atoms and she slapped him so hard across the face that the sound made the car vibrate outside.

"I fucking hate you! You're a bastard and an asshole!"

With that she ran away like a scared child, Misato stood completely dazed by the inanimacy of Shinji, Shinji just stood there. Almost involuntarily his hand came up and he slid the door shut without even moving his head, once the light was cut off, he turned his bedside lamp on and reached for the S-DAT.

"Hmmm…"

He pressed the play button and could just hear some sound from the inner earphones, the classical music, so soothing, so pleasant. But from within he sensed a familiarity to it, to his past, to his present, almost like he had hid himself inside the music, hoping it would sooth him and smooth his life out. Then he thought of Asuka.

'I hate you! Bastard! Asshole! Pathetic little boy! BAKA!'

With a loud grunt Shinji pulled his arm back and sent the S-DAT towards the window, glancing up he followed it fly and for an instant he looked in the mirror. For a moment his reflection showed the younger, more carefree Shinji that enjoyed his time with his friends. But the reflection disappeared once the S-DAT hit the window, the object sent lines all the way to the edges as it smashed but the reflection that then appeared was what got him. His hair was jet black, and had grown over the weeks since Kawouru's death but he had failed to notice it in his depression. It's long bangs moved closer to his eyes and then underneath the veil of hair he was sure that he could make out his eyes and his eyes, were red. The S-DAT left the opposite side of the window, flying out with an infinite number of pieces and glitter, the crashing sound was enormous. After a few seconds Shinji walked over to his bed and picked up a large piece of glass from the window frame, he looked at it and saw his red eye. It seemed like Ayanami's eye, the colour of blood, but he watched as it slowly faded into its usual blue. When his eye colour had completely turned back, Misato burst into the room to see what had happened.

"What was that sound?"

'What do I do?'

Shinji pointed out of the window absently.

"My S-DAT… went that way."

'Idiot! Now they'll really think you are a psycho!'

-

Author note : The end of Chapter one. I'm not exactly how sure how original this story line is. It isn't often that you get stories where you see the changes in Shinji. I mean you get OOC, and things where he opens up thanks to relationships but I hope this is the first one with 'Dark' as I call him. Shinji's darker alter-ego, who isn't so much an alternate personality but just his normal personality with his emotions unleashed to wreak-havoc on the world. Review as you please, for once I am not unhappy with a story so criticise away. Just let me know you have read it!