Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina...so don't kill me! Please? I also don't own Earthworm Jim.

Chris Oddland presents: No More Mr Nice Guy

Chapter 1: Payback's a bitch...

The old inn-turned-dormitory seemed tranquil, for the time being. The several newly patched parts of several walls and parts of the roof did manage to give it that dilapidated look that made people in town agree that the old building had seen better days.

After its metamorphosis into a dormitory for girls it certainly had sparked controversy among the inhabitants of the town. Especially after that old lady's grandson had ascended the stairs leading up to that old place after not having set his foot here in years, and controversially enough found himself appointed as manager.

Most people who knew the owner simply shrugged. Hinata Urashima was after all weird one according to the standards of most who had lived here. The streetwise ones shunned it like the plague.

To outsiders the place might be called paradise, to those living here it was dubbed Gehenna.

An old man in the town sat on bench giving him decent view of the Hinata-sou from the distance and height while a small breeze passed by him.

"Seems like there's no launch for today," he grunted in good humour as he placed the rolled-up newspaper on his lap. The portable radio beside him was playing some music he hadn't paid attention to.

A thunderous detonating sound and the splintering of wood and roof tiles as a human shape exited the building from yet another newly-made hole proved him in error.

"Definitely Gehenna," he remarked to himself. "I wouldn't want to live there for all the pretty women in the world, even if some magic trinket giving me back my youth was added as a bonus."

He wondered if he would win the weekly bet with his ex-wife at least this time, if this bet about him bouncing back into the madhouse turned real for once.

Minutes later the radio broadcast was interrupted and a sudden news broadcast about a human-shaped missile hitting the Tokyo Tower and being reflected back was announced.

He just had to wait a few dozen seconds more and the unfortunate "human cannonball" returned and crashed back into the Hinata-sou – another hole in the wall and a broken window to boot.

He whistled in impression. "This must be my lucky day..."

A seething voice inside of him said that Motoko and and Naru had gone too far.

Since Shinobu's school was arranging a school dance, she had asked him to teach her how to dance. While Keitaro had had the misfortune of dancing with boys (since no girl actually wanted to dance with him), he had actually learned how to waltz, and was happy to help the young girl.

He had turned on the CD-player and placed a CD containing waltz music, and as the music began to play, Keitaro began to instruct her in the basic steps. It had been quite fun dancing with Shinobu, even if she managed to step on his toes a couple of times. It always felt good to help someone in need.

Too bad that Murphy's Law seemed to be very interested with him at that time... Again.

Because ironically enough (and as expected) the beautiful Naru Narusegawa and proud and fair Motoko Aoyama suddenly appeared, and seeing a blushing petite Shinobu in the living room waltzing with the landlord of the Hinata-sou with a dreamy look on her face seemed to make them see red. It could have been some form of suppressed jealousy that made them lash out at him this time, or that they had misinterpreted everything again...

Keitaro certainly didn't feel so good this time.

In addition to being reduced to a somewhat twitching heap on the floor. And before that he had been catapulted towards the Tokyo Tower and ricocheted back towards Hinata, landing back in the room where he was blasted off from by the two. Unfortunately they were waiting for him to land, resulting that he was beaten to the twitching heap lying on the floor.

Today... something in Keitaro snapped.

So many conflicting emotions and thoughts struggling in an apocalyptic cataclysm.

The dreams of the "promised" girl and Toudai that had haunted him through the years and drove him forward like a carrot on a stick?

The endless cycle of violence that seemed to occur?

That a voice in his head remarked acidly that a rabid Rottweiler seemed nice and tame compared to Naru and Motoko on PMS?

He felt anger rising.

The vixen Mitsune a.k.a. Kitsune who seemed to somehow trick him for some reason? And that his bank account was almost empty due to Kitsune's scheming tricks?

More anger rose, bubbling like a festering cauldron.

That Kaolla Su had tried to turn him into a cyborg Mecha-Tama yesterday? He still had nightmares of being vivisected by the crazed gaijin.

Fear turned to anger was added.

That Sarah had destroyed his Meat Loaf CDs and stolen his Alice Cooper T-shirt? He was really beginning to get some strange urges to chuck the little blonde gaijin headfirst out of the third floor of the building. Placing sharpened stakes where she fell.

He tried subduing those feelings of homicidal impulses and tinges of hatred.

That his studies seemed to go nowhere, despite all of his strained efforts?

Frustration was added to the mix.

That Motoko hit him for listening to Cher, since the kendoist detested gaijin music? What in the world is wrong with being interested in foreign music?

Yet another chip on his shoulder against the swordswoman.

That he was sick being an unlucky bastard who somehow managed to see people of the opposite gender naked or managing to be a klutz without even trying hard?

Self-pity rising to new levels as well.

The thought of him slowly undressing Mutsumi while passionately kissing her and-... err...forget about it. Involving Mutsumi in his adult NC-17 fantasies seemed very wrong to him for some reason.

Why the hell did that suddenly appear?

That "aunt" Haruka always detested that he addressed her as "aunt" and resorted to physical violence to make him see his error of his words?

He wanted to lace her tea with strychnine and make her drink it.

Pissed at Seta for being an overly cheerful and optimistic bastard and suddenly having a strong urge to re-arrange his face with a blowtorch and a pair of tweezers? Jealously can be something that drives people on.

Jealousy exploded like a raging inferno inside, conflicting violently with a self-destructive neurotic obsession.

So many things were tossing, turning and tearing at each other that he lost control. Old inhibitions seemed to cease and gave room to something new...

(They will pay! Oh, yes! They will pay!)

Keitaro was startled by the realization that his brain was living its own life now. He tried to suppress the negative thoughts that were mostly directed against Narusegawa and Motoko. He lost since it seemed that his sub-consciousness was co-operating with his brain for some twisted reason. He tried to reach for his reason, but it seemed that today his reason wanted him to be on his own today.

His brain was even now suggesting that he should by several insurances involving hazards and accidents. He could actually earn some vast sums of money, by harvesting the insurances.

Too bad he was broke, courtesy of Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno.

Another thought strafing through corners in his head suggested he could begin drawing or sketching pictures again and get a permit to sell pictures on the streets again to haul in some cash. He had done that a few times in the months that followed after for each time he flunked the entry exams to Toudai. A Eurasian gaijin he had met had recommended that he should instead apply for something that had to do with art instead of the Tokyo University, telling him there was more to life than a university so prestigious that it made most normal and practical Japanese throw up in disgust when they heard someone praise it like was the gateway to Paradise. Kanako who was with him when selling his works of art translated what the foreigner had said to him, since she was better with English than him. Keitaro suddenly wished more than ever that he had listened to that man as well as Kanako and their parents and instead stuck with the family business.

Thoughts and raging feelings converged together, plotting. After several minutes of persuasion, Keitaro's mind managed to tear down any resistance left in him. It seemed that his forsaking reason had returned from that trip, defected and stated why he "should" take revenge on those who plagued him.

(How dare they treat Sempai that way!) Shinobu mentally screamed to herself in anger, surprising even her timid self in its seething rage.

She was angry at Naru and Motoko, but mostly angry at herself for allowing the abuse to continue without any justified reason. Keitaro was just teaching her how to waltz for God's sake! Why couldn't the others treat Keitaro like a human being? Well they did treat him as a person with feelings on rare occasions, but Shinobu knew that they didn't outweigh the bad times that occurred. While she loved Keitaro in a romantic sense, she knew that she was too young and he too old for each other; but still it was nice to daydream about being married to him even if he didn't make it to Toudai, showing that she cared for him even if he wasn't that successful as a student. Unlike Motoko who preferred old Japanese traditions, she liked church weddings for some obscure romantic reason. She deemed it wise not to tell the older kendoist about that.

"Are you all right, Sempai?" she asked Keitaro, concern in her quivering voice.

"I think so, Shinobu-chan….Or then again, maybe not. Could you please help me up?"

Even if she was the second youngest of the tenants in the Hinata-sou, Shinobu managed to straighten and help Keitaro up from his rather painful prone position on the floor. She thought she heard the sound of something popping and cracking as she did it.

"I seriously don't know what's usually crawling up the asses of Naru and Motoko every day, and frankly, I don't want to know either." He spat out as if a dam had burst and released a flood of anger.

Shinobu looked a little shocked after Keitaro's outburst.

(He actually dared to openly come with insulting comments?)

He saw her confusion and said, "Sorry about that, Shinobu, but I'm not feeling well after that destructive duo manhandled me."

"I think 'manhandled' is a little to weak in my opinion, Sempai." Shinobu answered in a sincere tone. "If it hadn't been for your invulnerability it would have bordered on attempted torture and murder!"

Keitaro shuddered a little when he began to brood on Shinobu's words. While he at least knew that he could survive Naru and Motoko on their worst, he feared for the lives and safety of his fellow males if they should ever have the misfortune to cross them in any way. Sometimes when accompanying either Naru, Motoko or both in the town with the other tenants, he was sometimes forced to stage "accidents" that were interpreted as perverted by the two to save the lives of other innocent males. Haitani and Shirai really owed him a few favours for taking the beatings that would have struck them. He would survive a deadly blow from Naru and Motoko. They would die if Naru or Motoko struck in full rage. At least the two girls showed control the few times they hit other people than him in rare occasions, holding back a "little". He would hate to scrape the remains of his friends from the walls and floors of the Hinata-sou if they ever made Naru and Motoko really angry.

"And not to mention that Su should know that her 'greeting/hello' kicks could break a person's neck sooner or later."

"Isn't that the reason why Hiroshi the postman ended up in the hospital when he delivered those packages and that he later quit his job and ended up as a fisherman several miles from Hinata while raving about blonde gaijins from hell that should be deported back to their countries in small cages with straitjackets and muzzles?"

"Didn't Sarah also "greet" him?" Shinobu added.

"I wasn't there when it happened, but I have a hunch that Sarah had participated in it, especially since Hiroshi ranted about making a homemade thermonuclear bomb and turning North America into a giant smoking crater."

"I seem to remember him asking me to 'borrow' some plutonium from Su's room and give it to him, but fortunately I reminded him that Kaolla's been locking her radioactive stuff in a high security storeroom since that 'incident' with the guy who wanted to sell her plutonium and uranium to the highest bidder."

"Poor guy," Keitaro said, wincing a bit.

Since Su's traps where mostly meant for him, it turned out rather messy with the poor burglar. He actually thanked the police for arresting him, saving him from a fate worse than death (even though he had lost both his legs, his left eye and his right hand). He afterwards sued the royal family of Molmol (for attempted murder on foreign land) and actually won the case, receiving an awful lot of money that enabled him to live like a normal (handicapped for life) guy without any financial problems for the rest of his life. Something he did, and he never married anyone since he was a rather cynical bastard who preferred the life and freedom of a bachelor to the problematic chain and frustration of matrimony.

Keitaro's mind then returned to the subject contemplated: Getting even.

After Shinobu had patched him up with the remaining bandages in the inn's first aid kit (he needed to buy a new one or a pile of them for emergencies), Keitaro had returned to his room and was sulking in his futon.

He knew that a direct confrontation was out of the question. He knew he couldn't match Naru and Motoko when it came to raw power and skill.

However there were other alternatives….

It was in the middle of the night that Naru woke up with a serious need to use the toilet. She mentally muttered to herself not to eat too much of Shinobu's cooking before going to sleep.

Tiredly she went to the bathroom and relieved herself.

Suddenly she had a feeling that something was very wrong here…..

A scream rang through the Hinata-sou, waking up the sleeping tenants.

"Urashima! Get your stinking hands off her!" Motoko shouted as she ran towards the bathroom, her hand around the handle of her sheathed sword. She violently opened the door and saw that Keitaro was in fact not here.

There was in fact only Naru sitting on the toilet.

Suddenly Motoko realized what was wrong.

All the toilet paper was gone.

Some of her notes and study papers lay in a small basket beside her. Notes needed for Naru's next test.

And Motoko suddenly had to use the toilet herself.

Shinobu's cooking was too good for her own good.

Since the Hinata-sou formerly had been an inn before it became a dormitory, it did house a few toilets for the customers. Motoko concluded that she could use one of the other toilets and then bring Naru a roll of toilet paper.

She didn't find any.

The only thing she found in the last toilet was a basket full of her own haiku and calligraphy scrolls.

Someone was going to die for this.

Another scream rang through the inn as well. A scream of both rage and horror at the same time.

Keitaro chuckled evilly as he stashed the entire storage of toilet paper into a secret compartment he had found by accident a few weeks ago in the basement and had then decided that it was a good place to hide some of his savings from Kitsune. He had forgotten that he had stashed some cash in case of emergencies. Now it would be used as an instrument for his revenge.

(And thus only I know the secret location of the toilet paper.) Keitaro thought jokingly to himself. He wondered how the girls would handle the fact that the toilet paper was gone.

"Sempai?" a familiar voice said.

(Eep!) was the panicked word going through his head.

"You forgot these," Shinobu said as she placed three rolls of toilet paper into the compartment.

Keitaro stared at her as if she was an alien bodysnatcher trying to imitate the younger girl's appearance and manner.

"What?" was the irritated response from Shinobu as her "Sempai" was looking at her as if he had seen a ghost. It was strange to her to see Keitaro wearing casual blue jeans and an Iron Maiden t-shirt.

"Why are you helping me?" He looked puzzled, confused.

"I just felt like it," she answered sincerely but quietly. "And I also started my own prank."

"Huh?" was the confused response coming from Keitaro.

She told him, and Keitaro chuckled.

(Quite a no-win situation those two are in. Either make use of the things put there by Shinobu, or having to wait for someone to buy them some toilet paper.)

"I'm sorry, Narusegawa," Keitaro lied, "I forgot to purchase spare toilet paper while I was buying stuff to patch up the roof and walls."

"At least give us something else to use," growled Naru at him.

"I'm not giving you my clothes or my manga and doujins!"

"I'm not asking you nicely – I'm ordering you!"

Keitaro sighed, turned around and left as he began to yawn.

"You come back here!" was the cry erupting from Naru.

Keitaro ignored her. He was tired and felt that his bruised body really craved some well-deserved sleep. And his brain was still telling him that it maybe would be educational for the two to suffer for a change, making them see that he at least deserved some respect for fulfilling his chores as the dorm's manager/man-slave.

He guessed most guys would have envied him for having such a job, while others most likely would either call him a masochist begging to be dominated like the bitch he was or downright bloody stupid.

Venturing to his room, Keitaro tiredly opened the door and closed it after entering. He considered purchasing a western door despite it looking out of place if the traditional sliding door was replaced by an internationally more used door design. At least then he could lock the door of his room to ensure some privacy.

He then looked at the hole in the ceiling leading to Naru's room, her Liddo-kun covering it from above…

A while later a poster of the X-Men 2 movie where the actors were posing in the X-Men costumes was taped to the ceiling, covering the hole completely.

Naru or anyone else for that matter would pay dearly if they damaged it.

Then he removed his clothes, wearing only his underwear and lay down on his futon, too tired to dress into his pyjamas, hoping that sleep would soon take him into her loving embrace and lull him into the land of the dreaming where he so many times had sought sanctuary and hope..

This time he wasn't dreaming about the "promised girl" (or the Tokyo University for that matter) at all.

This was a dream where he found himself stranded in an old Earthworm Jim TV episode. In this dream he was helping Jim repeatedly blast Queen Slug-For-A-Butt with a kick-ass ray gun of his own and laughing like a madman. He found it quite odd that the diabolical alien queen slightly resembled Naru. He also got attacked by Jim's sidekick Peter Puppy when he transformed into a monster again, but after a severe trashing he managed to tickle Peter and turn him back to normal again. Then he had to face Bob the Goldfish who now looked like a goldfish version of Sarah MacDougal carried in a fishbowl by a cat-like version of Seta. And after that he had to battle the army of Mecha-Tamas made by Professor Monkey-for-a-Head…or was it Professor Kaolla-for-a-Head? Then came an all-out battle to the death with Evil the Cat, now resembling Kitsune, after foiling her plan to destroy the universe with something that had to do with sake… And not to mention that Psy-Crow both looked like and acted like Motoko on a reeaaallllllly bad day. Keitaro simply zapped her again and again till he was out of ammo. Then he took the pocket rocket for a joyride…..and smashed into Henchrat (resembling his dear "aunt") before rocketing into space.

Keitaro began to hum the Earthworm Jim theme song in his sleep.

(Groovy!)

Despite his great big muscles and his really big ray gun…..

Meanwhile Naru and Motoko where sitting in the toilets. Angry as hell. The quite ironic fact was that they could have left a long time ago had they but used the implements actually put there by Shinobu Maehara, but since they had their pride and Naru really needed those notes, they just sat there.

The next morning Keitaro had managed to rise up somewhat late and had then gone to the closest supermarket to buy toilet paper for the toilets and three first aid kits in case of an emergency (usually involving Motoko and swords and Naru's fists and feet). Luckily a bit of his hidden savings allowed him to buy all this without any trouble.

The two were grateful for the toilet paper.

And Keitaro was lucky that they were so tired that they instead went to their rooms to sleep rather than smash to him a pulp.

"This day seems promising," he said to himself while hoping for a nice and quiet day where he could read porn and h-doujin in peace and not be a man-slave.

Too bad for him that Kitsune was out of sake today…

The next chapter is ironically titled: LSD-Spiked Sake or why Ms. Alcohol and Mr. Match can't be friends.

Kitsune is seen running around screaming with her hair on fire inside the living room of the Hinata-sou.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Fic writer's notes: Decided to revise the earlier chapters a bit since the planned storyline in my head took a different route through the years.