Welcome to Waking the Idiots, a spoof of the "Waking the Dragons" season of Yu-Gi-Oh!

What if the first agent Dartz sent to capture the Pharaoh's soul was an idiot? What if no one could pronounce the Seal of Orichalcos? What if paper cups were Millennium Items? Well, then you'd have this story right here!

Er, riiiight, well, the idea for this kind of started around Thanksgiving. Actually on Thanksgiving. My cousins were jumping all over my dad and he bursts out, "Stop it or I'll send you to the Shadow Realm…With my…Millennium Paper Cup…that's…in the kitchen!" Yes, my dad watches YGO occasionally. And then he said, "I play the Shield of Karaoke!" So, yeah…

Heh, downstairs we have a dartboard. Every once in a while, my brother will pin a picture of someone he doesn't like on it. Well, one day, for some reason, he had Pegasus on it. This wasn't too long after the 'Waking the Dragons' season started on Yu-Gi-Oh. So when he said, "I'm going to throw darts at Pegasus," I though Dartz. O.o;; Really odd mental picture there…

On Valon's name…I'm not sure whether it's Valon or Varon, I seen them written both ways, but to me it sounds like Valon (in the dubs on Kid's WB :-P) Plus I typed it Valon, so I don't feel like going through it and changing every single R to an L.

Disclaimer: (Listening to "If I had a Million Dollars" by the Barenaked Ladies) If I had a million dollars, I'd buy Yuuuuuu-Giiiiii-Oooooooh! …But that probably wouldn't be enough money… v.v

Waking the Idiots

Once upon a time, inside a strange castle type thing on an unknown island, a man named Dartz was pondering some very important questions with his three favorite henchmen.

"But there must be a reason!" he insisted again.

Alister sighed. "No, Master Dartz. I do not know why fools fall in love."

"Perhaps because they are fools?" Raphael offered.

"Oy!" Valon said from the side. "We're portraying a pretty bad set of villains, just sittin' around here pondering all these lame questions and not marauding or something."

Shaking his head in annoyance, Alister snapped, "I said that hours ago! And stop it with the accent! We all know you're not from Australia!"

"Stuff it! At least I don't run around in a sports bra!" the agitated Aussie snapped right back.

"It is ­not­ a sports bra!" the redhead growled threateningly. "It's a belly shirt. And if Marik could pull it off in the last season, I can pull it off now!"

Valon snorted. "Ok, Marik's was a shirt. Yours is definitely an undergarment."

Nodding his agreement, Raphael added, "Yeah, Ishtar's was cooler too. It had chains. Bling-bling, y'all!" He struck a gangsta pose.

Valon and Alister sweatdropped.

"Riiiight." The three henchmen turned to their master. "Now," Dartz continued. "As much as I enjoy watching your petty arguments," coughsarcasmcough, "Valon's right."

Alister looked crushed. "You mean…you think it's a sports bra too?"

"No. Well, actually, yes. But that's not what I was talking about. We are the villains of this season! And though we pale in comparison to Marik, we must act as good role models for unimportant evil doers all around the world aspiring to become great super villains. Like us."

"Yee-ah!" Raphael said again. Representin'!" He struck another pose.

Dartz smacked him. "You are not a gangsta!"

"And we are not super villains," Valon whispered to Alister.

"Shhh! Not so loud!" Alister hissed back. "Master Dartz doesn't know that!"

"Now," Dartz said, turning to his other two cronies. "We should do something big. And evil. Oh yes, evil."

"That would make sense," Alister said mockingly, "as we are the badguys."

Dartz grinned, Alister's sarcasm lost on him. "My thoughts exactly."

Alister sweatdropped, suddenly wondering if he should find a new job.

"Ok," Dartz said, "so here's the plan." All of a sudden, he had a chalkboard and was writing football plays all over it. "Valon, you take this guy…Joey Wheeler…Unimportant side character, but hey, a soul's a soul. Alister, you get Seto Kaiba…Y'know, the billionaire guy that you've got a grudge against. Raffie-"

"Raffie?!" Alister and Valon burst out.

"Yeah, Raffie. Y'know. Big blonde guy with the awful sideburns." He glanced at Raphael. "No offense."

Raphael – Raffie – shrugged. "None taken."

Dartz nodded. "Right, so Raffie, you get the Pharaoh-"

"No! Wait!" a voice shouted.

Dartz turned around. "What? Who are you? I only have three henchmen! Well, and that nameless guy with the monocle, but no one likes him!" Just then, Dartz took a good look at just who he was talking to. "Gasp! I've heard tales of you! An innocent enough looking girl who is really the devil!"

The girl smiled sweetly. "Me?"

Alister's eyes widened. "T-That girl! She's the one that hangs out with the Pharaoh and rants about…friendship…" He shivered along with Valon, Dartz and 'Raffie.'

"Yup! I'm Tea! Will you be my friends?"

"No!" the four snapped in unison.

"How did you get in here anyway?" Dartz asked.

"Uhh…The front door?"

"Ooooh." That made sense, he supposed. But what did she want? Such a lovely thought, that he decided to say it out loud. "What do you want?" the leader of the organization demanded.

Tea only smiled wider, making the four gag. "Besides friendship?"

"Make it stooooop!!!!!" Valon cried, falling to his knees and grabbing Alister's leg.

Alister kicked him.

Giggling, Tea continued. "I totally want the Pharaoh to DIE!" Her voice took a low dip, startling everyone in the room. "He refuses to notice me! I mean, come on, I'm totally hot! I oughta have all the guys after me, but noooooo! I swear, sometimes I think they're all totally too busy looking at eachother!"

Everyone sweatdropped. "Ok, that's enough, phsycho," Dartz said, herding her to an exit. "We've seen all we need to. Nice interview, really. We'll let you know if you got the job. Don't call us and we won't call you. Bye!"

"But wait!" Tea exclaimed. "You totally didn't even get to see me dance! I'm totally great at dancing! You totally should see me at DDR! I totally dominate! I totally kick major aAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Valon, Alister, and Raphael watched as the trapdoor swung open beneath the annoying girl's feet, sending her plummeting down to the depths of the ocean.

"Uh, whoops," Dartz said unconvincingly. "I guess I accidentally lead her to the trap door. Then I accidentally hit the button to open that trap door. Oh well. Stuff happens. Moving on!" He walked back to his henchmen. "Now, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?"

Raphael cleared his throat. "You were saying I was going to take the Pharaoh."

Dartz clapped his hands. "Right," he said briskly. "Raphael, you take the Phar-"

"NOOOOO!"

"What?!" Dartz spun around, nearly tripping over his long flowing white hair.

"I want a crack at the Pharaoh!"

Dartz blinked. "Who are you?"

The woman before him looked ordinary enough. "I'm Yugi Mouto's mother!"

Allister blinked. "Yugi Mouto has a mother?"

Yugi's mother nodded. "Yes. They totally cut me out of the dubbed version! So now I want to defeat the Pharaoh so he'll go away and give me my son back!"

"Uh huh." Dartz nodded, not really listening. Ever since that Tea girl had come in, he had decided that anyone who says the word 'totally' deserved to die a slow and painful death. "Ok, you done?"

Yugi''s mom shook her head. "No."

"Good!" Dartz took her by the shoulder. "Right, great job back there, I think you really impressed them!" He nodded towards his three followers. "So, um, have your people call my people…and my people will ignore them!" He positioned her over the trap door and pushed the button. "Buh-bye now!"

Humming slightly (the screams of an innocent falling slowly to their death often made him do that) he walked back to his cronies. "Right, I don't like the word cronies, so I'm just going to call you all my buddies, 'k?"

His 'buddies' shrugged and nodded.

"Cool. Now, where was I?" He paused. "Right. I was just going to assign Raffie, my buddy, to take out the Pha-"

"Halt!"

Though he had been expecting it, Dartz still turned around and snapped, "Oh, what now?!"

Before him stood a teenager, his skin nearly as pale as his hair, which was an untamed white mass of spikes, most noticeably the two 'rabbit ears' in the front. A gold pendant hung at his neck.

Dartz's eyes focused on the pendant. "A Millennium Item?"

The boy nodded. "The Millennium Ring."

"Who are you?" Alister demanded. "Your accent's as lame as Valon's!"

"Heeeeey!" Valon snapped.

The boy bowed. "I am Bakura, King of Thieves, Tomb Robber Extraordinaire."

Dartz nodded. "Nice to meet you."

Bakura gave a cocky grin. "The honor is yours."

Dartz also grinned. "Oh, I like you. I suppose you want to try to defeat the Pharaoh as well?"

"No." Bakura shook his head. "I don't want to try. I want to succeed. I will crush him."

"Ha! So says 'em all!" Valon piped in.

Dartz cast a side glare at him. "You're welcome to try," he said to Bakura. "My plan was to send the monocle guy first to lose, and thus, warn the Pharaoh that we were coming. Then I was going to send my buddy Raffie in to crush him. But you can have the monocle guy's job, if you like."

Shrugging, Bakura said, "I do."

"Right. So I guess I don't have to kill you." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a card, a black duel disk, and a glowing green stone. "Here." He gave them to his newest 'buddy.' "Use this card to beat him with, 'k?"

Bakura nodded, though he was really deep inside his mind, talking with his host, the owner of the body he was using.

So, uh, Ryou? the spirit asked.

Mmm?

…Can you pronounce the name of this card?

What?! Ryou started laughing. It's bad enough that you joined some evil cult-type organization with MY body, but now you can't pronounce the name of a Duel Monster card?! He started laughing all the harder.

…Ryou? I think you're insane.

You're one to talk.

Touché.

Ryou paused. Ok, let me take a look at the card. Ryou took control of his body and looked at the card in his hand. The Seal of …Ori…Ori…Ori-Chal-Cos?

Mentally, Bakura grinned. Good luck playing that in the duel, hikari! Bye!

Oh no you don't! Ryou dove into his soul room, forcing control of the body on Bakura. You got yourself…er, you got US into this, you're getting us out!

But Ryou! he whined.

But Ryou shut the soul room door in his face.

Damn. Bakura opened his eyes only to realize that Dartz had been speaking to him but was now staring at him oddly.

"Ba-kuuuuuuuura?" Dartz called, waving a hand in front of the tomb robber's face. "Time to go, buddy."

"Go where?" he asked dumbly.

Dartz frowned. "Well, you'd know if you had been listening to me while I was speaking, wouldn't you?"

"Maaaaaaaaaaaaybe."

Raphael grabbed the thief's wrist. "Do not speak to the master in such a tone, insolent fool!"

The room took a slight chill as the Millennium Ring started glowing around Bakura's neck. Black and purple shadows flitted about; shadows of souls doomed to forever wander around the barren waste that was the Shadow Realm.

"Where are we?!" Valon asked, clutching Alister in a death-like grip. "Lemme out! I wanna go home!"

"To play with the kangaroos I suppose," Alister wheezed out, sarcasm still evident in his tone.

"Where are we?" Dartz demanded, his tone even and cold.

Smirking, Bakura replied, "The place where I send many of my 'buddies.' The Shadow Realm! And you just won an all expenses paid trip...FOREVER! Mwahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"Decent evil laugh," Dartz mused. "You really must be a villain."

Bakura bowed. "Not at your service."

Just then, three shadows began crawling towards them.

"There he is!" One said in a fake British accent. Even so, he kind of sounded like Brock from Pokemon.

"That's him alright!" said the biggest of the three, who also kind of sounded like Brock.

"Yes!" said the shortest one. "Now we can finally get out of this place! I can still win the Battle City Tournament if we steal back my locater cards!"

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Those three losers that I beat in the cemetery. Hey guys!" he hollered. "Battle City's long over! Guess who won?"

"Yugi?" the short one asked.

Bakura nodded.

"Crap!" He turned to the other two shadows. "Never mind, let's go." And so they melted in with the other shadows, never to be seen again. Big deal.

"Now what do you plan to do?" Dartz asked, fixing the thief with a level stare.

Bakura shrugged. "Leave you here."

"You'd leave your master?" an angry Raphael broke in.

"Psssh. My master? I have no master. I just said I'd join you guys so you'd give me the card. And that pretty rock thing…And the evil looking duel disk." He shrugged and turned away, making a hole in the fabric of time and space that lead back to earth. "Later, 'buddies.'" The hole swirled shut behind him.

"Well," Dartz said. "This is certainly…a setback…"

Alister and Raphael sweatdropped.

Valon hugged Alister harder and whipered.

"Quite a large setback…" Dartz finished.

--

Where're we going, 'Kura? Ryou asked from his soul room.

To find the Pharaoh and defeat him in a duel, ultimately humiliating him in front of all of his little friends and sacrificing his soul to that monster thing that those cult people worship.

Oooooh, you mean the one that looks like the Eye of Sauron? (1)

Bakura sweatdropped. Yes, Ryou. That one.

So on Bakura walked, determined to find the Pharaoh. Unfortunately, he had no idea where the former ruler of Egypt was. So he stopped and asked for directions.

"Uh huh…" he said, staring at the two drooling duelists before him. "What, exactly, is coming?"

"The great beast," a zombified Weevil Underwood slurred.

"Yes, all shall be sacrificed to the great beast," zombie Rex added.

Bakura nodded. "Riiiiight. But where's the Pharaoh?"

The two pointed left.

"Thanks very much." He dashed off in that direction.

So, after much running, the hottest three-thousand year old tomb robber in all of Domino City (shall I say it? The world…!) caught up with the Pharaoh and his little friends.

"Pharaoh!" he shouted.

"Tomb Robber!" Yami shouted back, taking control of his host's body.

"Let's duel!"

"Let's not!"

"But whhhhhyyyyy?" he whined out.

The Pharaoh only smirked. "Big waste of my time. We both know I'll just win."

Clutching his fists in a sudden fit of rage, Bakura shouted, "Screw you!"

Great comeback, Ryou said sarcastically from his soul room.

Bakura ignored him. "Duel me!"

"Why?" the Pharaoh, getting very annoyed by his rival, demanded.

"Because Ryou and I are always getting left out of things! We're not even really in this season. We're not even in the movie! How sad is that?"

Yami frowned, suddenly feeling pity for the pathetic tomb robber. "Very well then. I'll duel you. Happy?"

"Ecstatic." He turned on his duel disk.

At that moment, Seto Kaiba walked by for no reason at all. "Hey!" he shouted. "That's not one of my duel disks! Someone tampered with the design! I'm suing!"

"Shut up, Kaiba!" Joey yelled, because we all know he just couldn't resist getting into a fight with Kaiba. "Go throw darts at Pegasus or something!"

Kaiba sniffed indignantly. "I think I'm going to pin a picture of you on my dartboard of death next to Pegasus," he muttered. "You better not lose, Yugi! I want your title, damnit!"

"Stuff it, rich boy," Bakura yelled. "Let's duel!"

And duel they did. But for time's sake, we'll fast forward to the part when Bakura draws the Seal of Orichalcos.

Ohh, gonna play it, 'Kura? Ryou asked.

I thought you'd fallen asleep. Did my duel bore you?

Why, yes. It did. Now play the card.

What?! Why should I?

That's what you got it for, right?

Bakura paused. True..But you can't rush these things…

'Kura! It's a good card!

But…

All of a sudden, a hole began opening next to Kaiba, who decided not to let it faze him, as it wasjust a 'hocus-pocus mind trick.' Dartz and his three buddies stepped out of the hole.

"What?!" Bakura nearly dropped his cards. "But…how?!"

Dartz smirked and held up a paper cup. "Raphael found this. Apparently it's a Millennium Item. Shocked?"

Shocked, Bakura shook his head. "No."

Dartz frowned. "Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too…"

"Nu uh, am not."

"Stop lying!"

"I would never!"

Sighing, Dartz snapped, "Just finish the duel! Play the card!"

Bakura started sweating. "Uh, what card?"

"The card I gave you earlier in the story," he hissed.

"Oh. Right," Bakura said weakly. "That card." He sighed, thinking in his head, Well, here goes nothing.

More like here goes EVERYTHING, Ryou corrected.

Right. He drew a shaking breath and picked up the Seal of Orichalcos. "I play…The…The…The Shield of Karaoke!"

Dartz and his 'buddies' sweatdropped.

Yami and his gang looked very confused.

Kaiba laughed.

"What does that do?" Yami asked blankly. "Does it make the monsters…sing?"

At that moment, the monster Yami had on the field, his Dark Magician, began singing the theme song to Pokemon. The first season.

"I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

"To catch them is my real test; to train them is my cause!"

Yami fell down, anime style.

"I didn't know it could do that," Dartz mused.

"You…didn't know?" Valon asked in disbelief.

Alister shook his head. "Everyone knows the Seal of Oricalcos has that effect!"

"Oh…" Dartz said. "I knew that…I just said that I didn't to see if you did!"

Alister and Valon sweatdropped.

"Ooooh," Raphael said in awe. "Master is so wise."

Dartz nodded. "Now play the card's other effect!" he called to the thief!

"Riiiight…" Bakura picked the card up and threw it back onto the duel disk. "I play…The Seal of Origami!"

D'oh! Ryou banged his head repeatedly on the wall of his soul room. Why had the gods given him a dolt for a yami?

"Does the Seal have yet another effect?" Dartz mused aloud.

Raphael shook his head. "If you don't know about another one, there mustn't be one. Master knows all."

Dartz beamed at his buddy.

Alister looked to Valon. Valon nodded. They each grabbed one of Raphael's arms and tossed him into the hole leading to the Shadow Realm. The hole closed shut behind him.

"Heeeeeeey," Dartz protested.

"Look!" Joey said from the side.

Everyone looked to the two duelists. Their duel disks were glowing. Bakura looked positively baffled. He looked to Kaiba.

"Hey, don't look at me," the CEO said defensively. "I didn't program them to do that." Then he muttered under his breath, "Fool."

Suddenly, the duel disks exploded, making the two duelists fly backwards and setting all of their cards aflame.

"I knew that was coming," Dartz said with a shrug.

Alister turned to Kaiba. "If you do something for me, I won't bother you with a duel."

Kaiba looked at him warily. "Just what do you want me to do?"

"Throw darts at Pegasus."

Blue eyes flickered to a certain white haired psycho. "Gotcha." He stepped over to Dartz and flung him over his shoulder. "Later, losers. I have to throw Dartz at Pegasus. And at Wheeler too." He held up a picture of the blonde duelist that would no doubt find its way onto Kaiba's dartboard of death that night.

"Heeeeeeeey!" Joey whined. But the CEO was already on his way to his mansion, a kicking and screaming Dartz in tow. "I wanna come too!"

So they all went to Kaiba's mansion and partied all night long. Then they all lived happily ever after.

Well, except for Dartz. He got a major headache from being thrown into the dartboard so many times.

END

(1) That was the first thing I thought when I first saw the great Labyothan thing. (I know, I can't spell; couldn't find the spelling online.) Anyway, I yelled, "AH! The Eye of Sauron!" (Hopefully you've all seen/read the Lord of the Rings. If not, well…O.O!!!)

Well, that's it.I think this is going to be a one-shot. Unless, of course, I get a hundred reviews begging­ me to continue…But since I don't think that'll happen, here is where it ends. After writing this, I think I like Dartz and his 'buddies' even more…(Grins)

Peace out!