We as people hurt the most when hearing the real truth. We try to fool ourselves, we hope that it will be what we want to hear, but the truth is, we never want to really know the truth. We want what we want, which is usually just a dream, a hope, a lover. The truth is just one thing, it'll either make you, or break you. Everything abides by these rules. We try to fool ourselves thinking that what we feel isn't true, until we can't stop ourselves anymore. Until we have to finally say it. Finally let it all out. After that, it's all over and done with. The first time is the hardest, the next few are downhill from there....
Sakuya stood staring out the window. He couldn't get it out of his head. He knew for a long time Setsuna cared for his little sister more than he should have. He knew why, Sara was beautiful, cute, and assertive. She was perfect for Setsuna. Unfortunately, Sara was related to Setsuna, and Setsuna hid it for as long as he could. Sakuya put his hand to the glass. His hand traced a droplet of rain on the window. It fell as he did. The rainy day in Tokyo was nothing out of the ordinary. He kept his hand plastered to the condensed glass. Foggy from his warm breath, from his warm hand. As he watched the businessmen run with their breif cases over their heads, he could feel his hatred for Sara growing, yet his love for her also growing. He wanted Setsuna happy, even if that meant he would be lifeless without him. Even if it meant that he could only watch as the only person he loved love someone else. The most pain you could ever feel is loving that one person, and never having them love you back. This thought kept going through Sakuya's mind. He'd wanted to commit suicide ever since he found Setsuna and knew he was Alexiel. He knew from the start Alexiel wouldn't love him in this world, in this time, and every time he tried suicide, he'd just heal back up. He would get angry, claw at the walls, cut himself, and each time, heal right back to his normal condition.
An emptiness grew within Sakuya over the years. Seducing women to forget for just awhile that he was in love with Setsuna. He never would admit it to himself. He never wanted to. In every reincarnation, Sakuya was Alexiel's lover. But this time.... This time was different, and he didn't like that. Throughout his lives, he had this feeling, gnawing at him, that Alexiel wouldn't always be just his.
Facing an empty future as Setsuna ran with Sara, he knew that if Setsuna ever came back, Tokyo would be destroyed. Sakuya had to stay and distract Rosiel....He had to fight him to the very death. Alexiel would never be Rosiel's, she would never be Sakuya's, she would always be Sara's. Sara owned Alexiel now, forever, and for always. As hard as Sakuya tried, he couldn't get over his jealousy. He tried to seduce Sara, but she wouldn't leave her brother's side. He was forced to watch his only true love slip through his fingers like sand. He was forced to see Setsuna look at Sara the way he'd never look at him. He took his now cold hand away from the window, and turn to the messy room that he slept. Magazines, clothes, a bed, pillows, just the usual. He thought of the times Setsuna had stayed over for the nights, the nights he had longed to hold Setsuna and tell him those three words he'd hid from himself. They weren't in his vocabulary. But he could feel the emotion. He loved Setsuna for loving him, for being a friend.... For being the only one that gave him human emotions.
There's a reason I don't say things. There's a reason people keep one thing hidden their whole lives. They want that one perfect moment. They want that one moment to last forever, but the truth is, in the end, there's only that one moment, and once you've said it, it's over. You battle yourself. You know you want to say it, you desparately want to say it, yet you don't want the moment to end. You don't want to see that moment come and go. In the end you're left with a wasted life, a strong love, a weak heart, until finally, your love grows so much more stronger than your heart, that it finally gives up, stops beating, and you die with only your love.
Rejection ruled Sakuya. He already knew he was rejected, and Setsuna never even noticed the stars in Sakuya's eyes when Setsuna came around. Sara would walk in, Setsuna forgot all about Sakuya. If anything, Sakuya felt abandoned, ignored.... He felt tears stinging his eyes, he leaned against his wall and slowly slid down finally into a sitting position. He looked out the window, and saw the real Sakuya standing there. The little boy. The tilted his head and looked at the older version of himself. He smiled a little, and pointed towards the bridge. He smiled again, and vanished. Staring at the dim sky, he could feel the gnawing at his tangled heart strings. He looked down at his ragged coat, and slipped it on. He crouched and stood up, finally heaving out a large sigh, and walked out of his apartment that he shared with his father. Sakuya could feel his emotions rising, he could smell the innocence brewing. He quickened his pace, regret growing deeply inside him. He had no idea what Sakuya wanted him to find, but he had nothing better to do. Walking into the darkened tunnel under the bridge, he couldn't help but wonder why the real Sakuya wanted him here. He sat down, again, leaning against the stone wall and let out a sigh. Sakuya didn't like to be told what to do, and better yet, he didn't like to be out in the rain following the ghost of the boy who had given him, Minatsusaya, the body of himself. His dying words were to make his father hate him so that he wouldn't go through the pain of losing his son, but no matter how hard Minatsusaya tried to fulfill Sakuya's last wish, his father still loved him with everything. This is why he believed Sakuya came around every once in a while. Never speaking, only showing. As he walked out of the tunnel from under the bridge, the rain felt like pin pricks, God's voodoo, or Lucifer's.
Wishing this was all some terrible nightmare, he could feel his blood run cold. There it was, the car crash Sakuya had died in. Watching, he heard Sakuya's small voice telling him his dying wish. Smiling as he died beside his mother, Minatsusaya possessed his body, and laid in the wreckage still smiling. He didn't care that he had taken someone's weak body, he didn't care that a little boy and his mother died, all he wanted was to find Alexiel, keep her close, and have Alexiel fall in love with him again. But he knew at the beginng it wasn't going to be the same. They were both male, this had never happened in the past lives, this corrupted most of the plan, but Sakuya tried his best, nonchalantly of course. Trying to sway Setsuna to his love for him was like trying to mix oil and water. It wouldn't happen. They would always repel. Be close, but always repel. Sakuya pulled at his clothes, he pulled at his heart strings, he couldn't help it. One by one he plucked his feathers.
Some things in life are inevitable. Some things are just meant to be corrupted. Humanity wants love, they want peace, they want a lot of things, yet they let themselves get in the middle of it. They let themselves pick the fights, fight them, then blame them on an irrellevant object. For instance, humanity wishes for peace, but when a war or brawl comes into focus, it is based on religion, sexuality, labels, anything of the sort. Sad and pathetic, humanity comes to rely on their intelligence rather their hearts, and they end up dying at the ripe old age of 30. We pluck ourselves bare with our insecurities, then try to hide ourselves. We cannot be skin white, and try to hide in front of a black background. We can't. We'll try and hide ourselves, we'll try and blame others for our mistakes, only to be left blood stained and dead on the blood soiled ground. So what is your choice? Pluck, or be plucked of your wings?
Sakuya felt a
burning sensation on his chest. It was the scar. The scar from the
blood that he had burned into him the day Alexiel and he killed each
other at once, sealing themselves away in angel crystals. Katan awoke
Rosiel, and now Sakuya had to defend all he had lived for. All he had
stayed on earth for. As the rain became heavier, he walked back
towards his arpartment, wishing he hadn't listened to the real
Sakuya. He made him think, he made him feel, and he hated that. It
wasn't his fault he had to take his body, and it wasn't his fault he
was part of the most screwed up dimension ever. It's not like
Minatsusaya wanted to be here. Humans were pathetic, they were
hypocritical. They lied, they cheated, they did whatever they could
to get what they wanted. They were greedy. That's why Alexiel had
began a revolt against God. The angels were just like the demons.
Greedy, satisfying their own lusts over the heavenly father, who has
been sleeping for centuries.
As he kicked off his wet and dirty
shoes, he flopped himself onto his bed. Many times at night he had
laid here, wishing Setsuna was beside him, holding him, telling him
those three words. I love you are the three most meaningful words.
They are also the three words that cause so many deaths, emotionally
and physically. Love is something you'll never understand. You can't
hold it, you can't eat it, you can't breathe it. You feel only a
considerable part of it, and even that very little portion can fill
someone up to the brim of their emotional compacity. Unfortunately
some feel more. They can feel it within them, and they go insane.
Some make it out alive, many don't. Happiness does not always tag
along with love, sometimes depression, regret, guilt follows. With
love, you'll never win.
The rain pattered, harder, harder, until he could feel his head pounding, his heart beating rapidly. He could feel the emptiness growing within him. This wasn't his fault. This was Alexiel's. If she hadn't rebelled in the first place. If she hadn't this life. What the hell was her problem anyway? Can't she see how many people want her? He wants her, he needs her, Rosiel wants her, Kurai is in love with her, she never stopped to thinks of anyone but herself. Droplets formed on the window, but it came down in a cascade of water. It was pouring outside, and Sakuya could identify with the rain. The everlasting need to water the earth, the people. Cleansing them of their sins, yet not wanting to fall, in fear of never reaching the ground, in fear of never doing it right, in fear that after that moment, they'll die. Just another puddle that will again be brought up again, only to be brought back down. Rattling the window, the wind pushed itself against the building, wishing to find it's way home. A single feather floated by, dirty, wet, and very tarnished. Sakuya would have bothered if he wasn't in such a bad mood. He heard a high pitched laugh, and looked at the doorway. There stood Rosiel, smiling a devious smile. His usual look."What do you want now, Rosiel?"
"Oh, nothing at all, fair Minatsusaya."
"Seriously, what do want? Why are you here?"
"I wanted to see how miserable you were. Letting Setsuna run off with Sara, must hurt you a lot, Minatsusaya."
"It doesn't hurt a damn bit." They both knew he was lying, and he glared at Rosiel, wishing looks could kill. Sakuya sent daggers at him through his eyes.
"Pretty, pretty, Minatsusaya. Don't hate me, for I myself am in love with someone I will never have. They'll never want me."
"Shut it, Rosiel. You want something."
"I do not. I only wish to see your misery. I like breathing air that has misery in it. Gives me a wonderful feeling inside, knowing my beautiful sister caused this." Rosiel moved towards Sakuya. "You are miserable aren't you? Of course you are! You let them run away. You helped them. You let the only person you'll ever feel for run away from you." He was now pinning Sakuya against the wall. His feet just above the bed, as Rosiel stood on the bed, laughing. "Minatsusaya, when will you learn to stop protecting those you love, and give yourself something. You're disgusting with how much you care for people. You know Alexiel will never love you in her true form, you know Setsuna will never love you in his form, you will never be loved by either!" Laughing manically, Rosiel dropped Sakuya. With a thud, Sakuya looked up at Rosiel, tears in his eyes, hatred staring at him in the face.
"You, will never have Alexiel either. So why not go back to Heaven, or better yet, Hell. You've caused so much damn trouble you belong there! Alexiel will never want you, why don't you breathe in your own misery, you ugly angel."
"Ugly? Ugly? How dare you!"
"Ugly, horrid, disgusting, pick which you like best."
"I made you this way, Minatsusaya. I made you immortal, so I cannot slay you, but you know it's fading away. One of these days, you'll regret this."
"Right, I'm sure I will. You'd be doing me a favor." Rosiel glared at him, and walked out of the apartment. Sakuya could smell the fragrant of roses. He hated that smell more than anything. Putting on his glasses, he opened up a book. Over the many, many, years he had lived, he had read many books. Having a large IQ, he never showed it, though he was wise beyond his years, literally. This book was the Bible. Something he'd been meaning to read for awhile now. Immediately he came to a quote that startled him. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out and cast it from thee... and if they right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee: For it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Sakuya knew what it meant, and he laughed. Humanity had mistaken a crazy man's scrolls for some religious finding. Sakuya couldn't help but find it was funny that God to them was sacred, holy, pure, when really he was just like the other angels. Raging for war, for the blood of the fallen. At least Lucifer admitted he craved blood and war, but God was a lying bastard. He made everything so difficult, for angels, demons, and humans alike. For once, Lucifer was better than God, and Lucifer liked that feeling, and so did Sakuya. The rain pattered on as Heaven tried to rekindle Hell's fires with it's tears.
Many times we find ourselves hardening our hearts, our emotions. We try not to cry, we try not to laugh, but the all in all, we will always have an emotion residing within us. The question is whether we choose to use it or abuse it. For instance, take happiness. We all know we have it, we all know we are capable of being happy, but we make excuses, or we overuse it. Happiness is something you usually want to come naturally. Some admit to having felt it, others lie and say they haven't. But we've all felt it, we've all wished for it, we've all craved for it. But we never stop and begin to think about someone else's happiness before ours. Simple gestures, a few words, a little can mean a lot, and their happiness does eventually come back to you. Other's overuse it, trying to use it even when they're breaking apart. Those that show what they feel will be free, those that hide, well, they're imprisoned by themselves....
Waking to a large clash of thunder, he rose from his sleeping position. The bible laid at his side, bookmarked, and looking untouched. The rain wasn't letting, and the streets were washed with rain water. People were walking through two inches of water, though they thought nothing of it. Tokyo was used to odd storms like this. Staring at his fingernails, he scraped them against the wall, wishing he was somebody else. Wishing he didn't have to feel. This was pathetic, this was absurd. How could he, the one who has slain so many in the past feel so much for someone, care so much for one person, that he'd risk his own secrets, his own feelings for that one person to be happy. How could he do this? Black engulfed his world, and Setsuna was his only light. Setsuna was his salvation, his redemption, but he was beyond that now. He was doomed. Sakuya never realized until now, Alexiel wasn't the only one doomed to be miserable the rest of forever, he was caught up in this too. Doomed to be miserable. He'd never get her, and repeatedly he tried to save her, he tried sincerely, but he never could....
The only emotion he thinks he had ever thought he had even touched a bit on was love, and all of that was for Alexiel. Hatred was something he lived with. It wasn't a feeling for him any longer, it was his lifestyle. Happiness had never found him, that was, unless Alexiel was in his arms. They judge you, but they're only bystanders. They've never been in your shoes, felt the way you have. Saying that earlier had made him realize he should have listened to himself many years ago. Alexiel was still very much a woman, and Setsuna very much a confused little boy. He was like a child, on his first day of school, wandering around, sitting down, trying to take it all in, trying to figure out what was going on in this whole new world. He felt a soothing liquid running down his arm. Looking down, he realized what he had been doing the whole time he had spent being introspective. He stared at the carvings in his arm, the word, Alexiel. Dark, red blood was sliding down his fore arm, almost a black tint to it. As he stared, the skin began to weld itself back together. The blood stopped running, but the tears started. Sliding down the face, these were weapons that could cut him in places that could never heal. The tears plundered towards the floor, some falling on the drying blood, re-activating it's rusty and tainted smell. Dripping off his arm, the tears felt so warm, yet they felt so cold. Stinging his eyes, he felt light headed. He was sick of not being able to hurt himself. Sick of loving someone he never could, and he was sick of being who he was, period. Waiting for the day that he could freely love someone, and die with them; wanting to be with someone that could love him, that could fear that he may die, but the truth was, he never would. The incarnate of Lucifer, the most hated, or the most loved angel there was, the immortal blood stain on his chest, made him immensely angered. This was what every human wished for. Immortal life.... Sakuya began to laugh, a very cruel, demanding laugh. He'd never heard himself laugh like this. He reminded himself of Rosiel, but he couldn't stop laughing. Humans wished for this kind of life. Being able to live forever as their loved ones fall down dead. It was almost too funny to grasp.
The
irony of this from his point of view, the pain he went through,
finally had made him go insane. He couldn't contain it any longer. He
stood up, stiff with stature. He didn't want to admit it, but Rosiel
was right. What was the point in loving somebody if they'd never love
you back. Might as well give up, just leave. Say goodbye to what was
once there, hide it, lock it up in chains, crystalize it.... Just
forget any of it ever happened and try to go through the next lives
like he was happy. Perhaps fall in love with someone else, forget
about Alexiel, and watch them also die a horrible death, but he
couldn't. No.... He couldn't possibly. It wasn't just Alexiel, it was
Setsuna himself. The lost puppy in the streets, whimpering for
someone to love him, for someone to understand his pain and torture.
Kicked around and abused as people rush by, hoping to be noticed.
That lost soul, his sore eyes, his immense emotion, he'd never be
able to forget Setsuna's eyes. Not ever. Sakuya slammed his fist
against the wall, again and again. He couldn't even make life right
again. He was broken, and he was lost, and he had no one to come find
him. He was the abused and kicked around puppy, except there was no
one left on this street. They had all gone home by now, and he was
left, wandering from place to place, whimpering and wishing for a
friend, a lover, anything to keep him from dying on a cold frosty
night. He heard a crumble of stone, then a crash. Looking out the
window, he saw buildings breaking down. Setsuna was back....
Sakuya
heard a yell, quite like his father's, and ran out of the building.
Kneeling to the man crushed under a large piece of building, he felt
tears welling up in his eyes. What his father said to him were just
words. He couldn't hear them through his blurry vision. All he could
see was the one person that ever loved him dying. He wanted to tell
his father the truth, he wanted to know why he had come back, and he
asked, but, he didn't like the answer. This man was dying for his
son, the one that wanted him to hate him with all his heart. Sakuya's
father died happy, seeing the only person he loved before death, and
Sakuya couldn't take it. "Setsuna!"
he screamed, as he sat beside the dead human, waiting for some
closure, waiting for his salvation to appear.
We never know how precious something is until we have to let it go.... True it is, but we sometimes already know how precious it is. Humanity longs for immortal lives, where they can be with their loved ones forever, yet they never think that once they are immortal, they are bound to live through seeing their own lovers, children, and so on die away. Forgotten in a world of death, they have nothing left, and there is no last breath for them. Immortals never know the feeling of death, yet they feel eternal pain. For most, this is a tale of greif, of sadness, for others this is a tale of, well, nothing. It means nothing of the sort. We as humans tend to disregard hidden morals and messages. Wishing on broken stars for broken dreams, trying to glue back our dreams together. People talk about broken dreams like they're a bad thing. Why not look at it in a different perspective? Your dream may be broken, but now you can share it with everyone and give them a little piece of your dream. Forgive yourself, tell those you love them, for you may find your salvation in a budding rose instead of one wilting.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
--1 Corinthians 13:6
Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.
--Luke 7:47
In
no way am I the wonderful creator of this amazing series. I am only the
creator of this fan fiction, all else is the creator's work.