Zim Does The Tallest
Author's Note: Seriously, this is one of the craziest pieces of crackfic I have ever wrote. Edited and made a little more tolerable for your viewing pleasure.
Tallest Red was blissfully engaged in the stressful and demanding activity that was model spaceship making. At the moment, he was piecing together a detailed replica of the Massive. It was made entirely of edible materials, such as donut blocks and nacho cheese glue. He was looking forward to eating it later. Purple had been disgusted at the very notion, (Model ship building paled in comparison to PUPPET SHOWS!), so he had retreated to the staff break room to assemble a few soldiers to put on a show for him.
Before Red could use the black and pink frosting to paint the Massive confection, a series of thumps were heard from outside the door. Red turned and stared in surprise. Purple was never quite so...noisy when he was puppeteering.
Someone walloped the door in a parody of a polite knock. Before Red could answer, the door was blown off its hinges and embedded itself in the wall behind his head. Smoke curled out from the now empty doorway, revealing the slightly singed, and oddly short silhouette of...
ZIM.
Red was understandably outraged. "Zim!" he shouted. 'How dare you!"
"Thank you, my Tallest! I am glad that you are so pleased to see me! Worry not, for I have disposed of the IRRITATING guards that would only stand in the way of our moments together!"
Red glared. "What are you talking about…" he began, and then noticed something unsettling. The air smelled of cheap cologne. Zim had pulled out a bizarre sort of thorned flower, and was now holding it in his teeth.
"My Tallest! Your failure to contact me in any way for THREE MONTHS puzzled me greatly! The blockage of my own attempts to speak to you was also immensely disturbing. Therefore, I was forced to go through STACKS OF BOOKS in order to find out what had possessed you to do such a thing!"
Red was intrigued in spite of himself.
"There was only ONE logical conclusion! YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME!" Zim pointed a finger accusingly. "There is no need to be so SHY and DEMURE with me, my Tallest! I admit, I was greatly flattered by your obvious attraction towards me, and will gladly perform any tasks you demand of me!"
Zim did not just wink at him, Red thought with a tinge of utter horror. This was not happening. Nope. Red chanted a soothing mantra under his breath.
"Now, prepare your body for imminent ORGASMIC CLIMAX!" Zim screamed.
Red had about a minute to process that, be greatly disturbed, and try to erase the phrase from his mind. Then, Zim pounced.
Meanwhile, Purple floated towards the Tallest Lounge in a state of euphoric, puppet-induced glee. This state came to a grinding halt as he looked at the unconscious and beaten bodies of what looked like twenty royal guards. The room to the Lounge appeared to have been blown open.
'What the...' he wondered, fingering the holster of his laser stunner.
Before he could float any closer towards the room, sounds began to drift from the charred and broken doorway. These sounds filled him with dread.
"FEEL THE PLEASURING TECHNIQUES OF ZIM!"
"I FEEL IT ZIM! I FEEL IT!"
Loud moans filled the air.
It was enough to shatter the mind. Purple utilized the jets attached to his hover belt, propelling himself into the room at the speed of...a very fast...thing. The sight that greeted his horrified eyes was gruesome, wrong and...
Well, rather arousing, really.
No! No! It was WRONG! And BAD! And Purple was NOT GOING TO STAND FOR IT! He opened his mouth for a tirade scathing enough to make Vortian scitherbeasts tremble in fear.
Unfortunately, Zim completely ruined his moment of righteous indignation. "My Tallest!" he screeched, from his compromising position on Red, "I am delighted that you have come!"
Red, lying beneath Zim in an equally compromising position, snickered at the word 'come'.
Purple boggled in disbelief, hovering an inch away from hysteria. "Why?" he managed.
"My Tallest, please. There is no need to deny your attraction towards me." Zim said, oblivious to that fact that Red was groping him in unmentionable places. Purple began to twitch as he watched this.
Wait.
"My what?" Purple gaped.
"DO NOT HIDE YOUR LUSTFUL INTENTIONS FROM ZIM!" Zim roared, now at the height of his ranting majesty. "I have researched thoroughly about your symptoms!"
"Yeah, he did," admitted Red, now engaged in activities Purple did not want to think about.
"Uh," Purple replied, not sure his poor, innocent mind could withstand any more.
"Yes! You no longer have to be in your NEVERENDING AND PAINFUL state of romantic denial! For I, ZIM, have come to fulfill your every fantasy! Anything for my Tallest!"
It was then that Purple fully realized that the world had gone completely and utterly insane.
"And now that you have arrived, we shall join our bodies in pleasurable union and utilize the doughnuts!" Zim continued.
Purple came back to reality. "Doughnuts?" he asked sharply.
"Doughnuts." Zim confirmed.
"Doughnuts." Purple said thoughtfully.
An hour later, the guards revived and were heralded by the sounds of screaming.
"WHO IS YOUR MECHANICAL PARENTAL UNIT?"
"YOU ARE, ZIM! YOU ARE!"
"DOUGHNUTS!"
After hearing this, the guards immediately knocked each other out once more and spent the rest of the day in peaceful slumber.