Regression

Author: Sunnycouger )

Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me or else Sawyer and Sayid would have cashed in on the remarkable chemistry already.

Rating: R

Summary: For some reason they bring the worst out in each other and Sayid just can't work out why.

Author's Notes: First Lost fic and of course it would have to be Sawyer/Sayid.

Long lost words whisper slowly to me,
Still can't find what keeps me here.
When all this time I've been so hollow inside,
I know you're still there .
Watching me, wanting me,
I can feel you pull me down.
Fearing you, loving you,
I won't let you pull me down.
Hunting you, I can smell you alive,
Your heart pounding in my head.
Haunted by Evanescence

---

There was something about Sawyer that he didn't like, Sayid noted as he looked across the beach at the blonde haired man who had his head in a book. He didn't think it had anything to do with the fact that he always sat with a smug look on his face, never contributing to the running of the camp, despite always finding an excuse to criticise. That was irritating, but it wasn't why he didn't like him.

It probably wasn't the way he would look or talk to Kate as though he thought she was some sort of whore at his beck and call. Like he thought she was some object that he would openly covet for no other reason than to irritate Jack. Sayid knew that part of Kate's appeal to Sawyer was down to the fact that Jack cared so much for her, and Sawyer couldn't have that. He couldn't have the 'hero' get the girl without a fight, so he created the conflict.

It wasn't even because he would never call Sayid by his name, that Sayid didn't like him. He would always call him some other name, or worse, some insult to try and demean him or his heritage. He was incapable of calling him 'Sayid' and Sawyer knew that it irritated him. But that wasn't why he didn't like him either.

It might have, Sayid thought, something to do with the fact that Sawyer knew how to get under Sayid's skin. That he knew how to push all the wrong buttons to force Sayid to become someone he had hoped he had left in the past. Sayid was used to ignorant people, he'd known many of them in his life and he should have been able to deal with this one without reverting back to someone he despised. Yet with Sawyer, this man who knew how to bring out the worst in Sayid, he found it impossible to keep his temper under control.

Sayid looked down at the radio he was trying to work on and glanced up at the group of people who were sitting some distance away from him. He couldn't help but notice the suspicious and fearful glances they kept directing towards him. He couldn't fail to hear the whispering about what the Iraqi had done and how it was 'just like them.' He couldn't ignore the fact that somehow he had managed to alienate the whole island. People weren't concerned with why he had done what he had done. They didn't care and no amount of penance would ever make up for it. He'd mapped as much of the island as he could, he'd found different types of fruits and nuts to help ward off deficiencies, and he'd apologised to everyone, even Sawyer. He'd done everything he could possibly do, yet nothing changed. Jack was the hero, Sawyer was the victim and Sayid was the torturer. 'Just like them.'

He sat the radio down and brought a hand up to his head and closed his eyes. This was not the person he was supposed to be - he was supposed to be starting a new life and leaving his past behind, not having to relive it every day in his own isolation. He stood up and turned away from the others and walked straight into the trees. He needed space away from their accusations until he could sort things out in his own head.

As he walked into the forest he stopped a couple of hundred yards in and found a clearing where he sat down. The tall trees provided a cool canopy and he was still close enough to the beach to get back quickly should they need any help summoning any rescue plane that could happen by - not that that was ever going to happen. If anyone was coming to get them, they would have come by now. In all likely hood their fate would be the exact same fate that the French woman and her companions had had. Eventual death on an island in the middle of nowhere and to compound Sayid's suffering he would have to spend his last days in the company of Sawyer. Maybe this was hell...

Sayid heard the sound of footsteps coming closer and immediately got on his guard in case it was a boar or something worse. He silently cursed at his stupidity at not taking anything with him to defend himself against any animals but prepared to move quickly anyway.

"Hello?"

"What's the matter, Ali Baba, no one want to be friends with you anymore?"

Sayid closed his eyes at the sound of the familiar southern drawl and sank back down to his sitting position. What would he have given for it to be a boar that had disturbed him instead of that man. There really was something about Sawyer that he disliked.

"I am simply trying to think about the next best course of action without interruption," Sayid said, hoping that Sawyer would take the hint and leave.

It was too much to hope for though as, unbidden, the blonde haired man moved forward and sat down opposite Sayid. Sawyer had a strange smirk on his face as he saw Sayid shift into a more defensive pose. "I wouldn't think that you would be getting interrupted now. After all - they aren't really jumpin' through hoops to spend time with you, are they?"

"I do not need them to like me," Sayid said quietly. "I am just trying to keep them safe and get them home."

"How noble," Sawyer said with a laugh. "Pity that nobility didn't extend to when you were shoving bamboo through my fingers or threatening to gauge my eye out, huh? Could have saved us both a whole lot of trouble..."

Sayid felt his jaw tighten as he looked at the man in front of him, smirking. "You could have told us that you had found the book. There was no reason for it to go that far. You should have told us!"

"Why? To save your soul? I don't think so Ali," Sawyer said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "I mean - I got you out the camp, I got the hero messed up and I got Freckles to go at me like a good 'un. It was a win, win, win situation for me - 'course in a perfect world I woulda got all that without nearly bleeding to death, but you can't have everything I guess."

Sayid shook his head as he stood up, disgusted at the man's carefree attitude to what had happened. "Well I am glad that it was so beneficial to you."

"It was beneficial to me," Sawyer said as he put an unlit cigarette to his lips and slowly lifted his gaze upwards, up Sayid's body before he locked his gaze with Sayid's and grinned. "Tell me, Ali - was it good for you?"

Sayid took a deep breath, ignoring the way this...man was looking at him or the way he was finding it difficult to turn his gaze away. He felt his temper rise - who was he to taunt him? Who was he to find it funny? Didn't he realise what his selfish, reckless actions had done? What it had cost him? He turned his back on Sawyer and clenched his fist before punching a tree repeatedly until he felt his temper subside.

"I guess I'll take that as a no then?" Sayid heard Sawyer ask from behind him, his voice laced with laughter.

"You..." Sayid began, his breathing ragged as he tried to ignore the taunting. "You are enjoying this?"

"Enjoying what? You being the camp outcast? You being hated? You beating yourself up? Hell yeah, I'm enjoying it - couldn't happen to a nicer person as far as I'm concerned."

Sayid closed his eyes and lowered his voice. "Then why don't you go back to the camp and enjoy it with the others and leave me be?"

He heard the man behind him move and before he had a time to turn around and see where he had gone, he felt him approach behind him.

"Because, Ali," Sawyer whispered in Sayid's ear, "I like that I get under your skin and I wouldn't miss your reaction to that for the world."

Sayid turned round sharply and pushed Sawyer away. "You do not get under my skin."

Sawyer laughed as he shook his head. "Really?" He raised his hand and waved his bruised fingers at Sayid who involuntarily flinched apologetically when faced with his work. "You sure about that? Maybe the fingers ain't enough, huh? Maybe I should show you my arm - you know, the one that you stabbed me in?"

"I have apologised for that," Sayid said. "I made a mistake but I did what I believed I had to do to save a girl's life."

Sawyer laughed. "Yeah, I'm sure of that. So, had the fat kid been reading Watership Down I'm sure you would have knocked him out, dragged him to a clearing, tied him up, shoved leaves up his fingers, threatened to blind him and then stabbed him? Because, call it the suspicious side of me, I somehow think that maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't have done that to anyone else."

"No one else on the island would steal a girl's medicine," Sayid said with a whisper. "I did what I had to do."

"So you keep saying," Sawyer said with a laugh. "So why the hell do you feel so bad? I mean, if you 'had' to do it then why feel bad? Unless of course, part of you enjoyed it? Part of you was maybe just dying for an excuse? Maybe that's what's eating you - that I know what buttons to press. Ain't that right, Captain Falafel? Scary that you can lose control like that?"

Sayid clenched his fist by his side, trying to shut out Sawyer's goading. He would not sink to that man's level.

"I am not having this discussion with you," he said as he pushed Sawyer away and began walking deeper into the forest.

"That's funny, 'cause I ain't going anywhere until I get some answers," Sawyer called after him as he followed Sayid's steps.

"What?" Sayid snapped as he turned around. "What do you want from me? As you said - you got everything you wanted from the situation so why can't you just leave me alone?"

Sawyer walked up to him and stood so close to him that he their faces were nearly touching. Sayid involuntarily took a deep breath as the American moistened his lower lip with his tongue before speaking quietly. "I want you to admit that I get under your skin."

Sayid didn't take his eyes away from Sawyer's as he shook his head. "Never," he spat.

Sawyer smirked, but didn't lower his gaze. It reminded Sayid of one of those old stand-offs in Western movies where the good cowboy and the bad cowboy would stare each other out before shooting. The difference was...those cowboys were never that close that they could feel the others breath on their face or almost feel the pounding of the others heart.

"Tell you what, Ali - you admit it and I'll leave you alone. Hell, I'll even tell the others I deserved what I got. The only people who will know you said it is you and me. Can't get fairer than that."

Sayid laughed himself then, slow and humourless but he didn't take his eyes off Sawyer. "I would rather die."

Sawyer smirked, almost looking happy that he got that response which infuriated Sayid even more. "What's the matter, Abdul? You get all absolved, the others will forget all about it, I'll be the ass again and you'll be...you," Sawyer said before leaning in closer and whispering. "Don't tell me you don't want that, Ali."

"My name," Sayid began as he pushed Sawyer away with one hand and swung a fist in the direction of his tormentor. "Is Sayid!"

Before Sayid's punch could connect with Sawyer, the American had raised his hand and caught Sayid's arm in mid-flight. Sayid looked up at Sawyer who raised his eyebrow slightly before twisting Sayid's arm roughly until his knees buckled and he had to drop to the ground. Sawyer stood over him and pushed Sayid's head forward until he was lying face down on the ground. Sayid struggled to get up, but Sawyer kept a tight grip of his arm as he put a knee into Sayid's lower back to prevent him from moving.

"Well, well, well - what have we got here?" Sawyer asked as he leant close to Sayid's ear. "Someone dropped their guard. You going to tell me what I want to hear now?"

"Fuck off," Sayid muttered.

Sawyer grabbed Sayid's hand roughly and wrestled one of Sayid's fingers free from the clenched fist. He bent the finger back so far that Sayid had to bite his lip to keep from screaming out. He would not give him the satisfaction.

"Last chance," Sawyer said. "You know I'll do it."

"Go to hell," Sayid growled as he tried to free himself.

"Suit yourself."

With that, Sawyer cracked the finger back as Sayid grimaced in pain and bit the inside of his lip sharply, expecting the rest of the fingers in his hand to meet a similar fate. Sawyer let his arm go and jumped off Sayid's back and swore loudly before walking over and kicking lumps out of a tree. Sayid wasn't sure what had happened - he was certain that Sawyer would have broken the whole hand so it seemed strange to Sayid that a man, lacking in such basic humanity, would stop so soon when he had the opportunity to exact his revenge.

"Fuck!" Sawyer yelled as he kicked the tree once more for good measure as Sayid held his broken finger. "What the fuck are you not fighting back for? Mr Noble needs punished, right?"

"Maybe," Sayid said through clenched teeth. "Maybe I just want to see if that's all you've got?"

Sawyer leant back against the tree and gave a dry laugh. "Hey that's funny - the only difference is, you know that's not all I've got."

Sayid stood up and shook his head - this was an argument that he didn't want to have because he knew that if they continued down this road one, or both of them, would be seriously injured by the other. As much as he disliked the man in front of him, he had no desire to hurt him anymore than he had already.

"Hey, Ali," Sawyer shouted. "Where you going?"

"I don't think we have anything further to say to each other," Sayid said as he turned his back on the other man and began walking into the woods. "I'll return to the camp later."

"I ain't finished with you!"

Sayid shook his head and continued walking. He would not allow Sawyer to goad him into a fight - he was stronger than that and to give in, to respond the way he always had, would be to show weakness. He had shown enough weakness to that man in the past and he would not give him the satisfaction of seeing it again.

He was walking, his head pounding and his finger aching as he traipsed through the trees as it began to rain. He groaned as he looked upwards at the sky as the heavy rain pounded his face. He hoped that there were people watching the fires to make sure they didn't go out. He was just about to head back towards the beach to make sure when he heard the familiar sound of footsteps. He swore loudly as Sawyer came through the trees, his face contorted with rage.

"I told you I wasn't done!"

"And I told you we were finished," Sayid said as he barged past the blonde man, his patience wearing thin. He would not put up with this forever.

"I don't fucking care what you said," Sawyer said as he continued following him. "You will talk to me!"

Sayid stopped and turned around. Why did it seem like they had been doing this for hours. "I do not take orders from men such as you!"

Sawyer took a step towards him. "What kind of men do you take orders from then, Abdul?"

Sayid shook his head and tried to count to ten as he felt his temper rise. As he glanced back up at the man in front of him he gave up any hope of self control as he ran at him and pushed him back roughly so that Sawyer's back was against the tree trunk.

"My name is Sayid!" Sayid whispered with venom as he pinned Sawyer to the tree. Sawyer didn't lower his gaze as he used his leg to get leverage from the tree and pushed Sayid back before spinning, still holding onto both of Sayid's arms as he proceeded to pin him to the tree.

Sayid breathed deeply as Sawyer looked at him, his own breath ragged. He was aware of everything around him as Sawyer leant in close to him, their lower bodies pressed tightly together as Sawyer struggled to keep Sayid's upper body still. Sayid struggled against Sawyer's grip on his arms, but the American wouldn't relinquish.

Sawyer took a deep breath as he leant in close to Sayid's face. "I know your fucking name. It's ingrained on my brain for some reason that I can't even work out! You fucked me up since we got here, you know that?"

Sayid struggled to get his arms free as the rain continued to pound down. "I did nothing to you."

Sawyer growled as he pushed Sayid's arms back further. "Like hell you didn't! You know something else?"

"What?"

"I'm willing to bet that I've fucked you up as well," Sawyer said. "I'm willing to bet that I bring out the worst in you the exact same way that you bring out the worst in me."

Sayid stopped struggling against the other man's grasp and looked at him. He knew what he was saying was correct. For some reason...for some reason he had never understood this man, or why he managed to provoke him so. "In case you haven't noticed, there isn't much we can do about that as we are stranded here."

Sawyer loosened his grip slightly, but didn't move back. "I hate people like you."

It was more a denial than a declaration but Sayid couldn't concentrate on that. For some reason he was rooted to the spot and very aware of the fact that their bodies were so close. For some reason he was painfully aware of the fact that their shirts were soaking wet and that this man was staring at him. "I hate people like you too," Sayid said, his voice level and quiet.

Sawyer nodded and let go of Sayid's wrists, but again didn't move back. "I will never, ever be like you."

Sayid didn't move, despite the fact that the only thing stopping him was the way Sawyer was standing. He fought to keep his breathing under control as he looked at the blonde man. "I would rather die than be anything like you."

Sawyer stood unblinking before he raised one hand up towards the side of Sayid's face. Sayid didn't move as Sawyer put his hand behind Sayid's head and grabbed a hold of his hair. He leant in close to Sayid's ear and gave a small laugh. "You will never be like me."

Before Sayid could open his mouth to respond Sawyer had pulled back before stepping in closer and pressing his lips against Sayid's. Sayid's eyes widened in shock briefly before he allowed his instincts to take over. He shut his eyes and allowed his hand to travel up Sawyers back to find the other man's hair which he wrapped his fingers in as he opened his mouth and allowed Sawyer to explore. Sayid ignored every logical and rational thought that was screaming through his head. The fact that he hated this man. The fact that this was a man. The fact that they had both done things to the other that was unacceptable to any normal person. The fact that they were stranded on an island. He ignored it all. All he concerned himself was the way that Sawyer's lips seemed to caress his own, the way his tongue was tracing around every contour of Sayid's mouth and the way he would stop briefly to nibble Sayid's lower lip before continuing his exploration. Sayid brought his free hand up, careful not to hit his broken finger, and rested it on Sawyer's chest, feeling the muscle dance under his touch.

Sawyer pulled back briefly before Sayid pulled his head forward and covered his mouth with his own. Sawyer responded eagerly, holding Sayid's head close while sliding his free hand up under Sayid's now soaked shirt. Sayid felt the skin tingle on his back under Sawyer's coarse touch and felt the breath catch in the back of his throat. He immediately responded by running his own hand down the back of Sawyer's neck as the American let out a small gasp in reply before raking his fingers down Sayid's back, making it impossible for Sayid to contain the sound of pleasure escaping from his throat. He felt as though his heart was going to burst due to how hard it was beating. In reply he brought his hand forward and found the front of Sawyer's shirt. Without looking he'd ripped the front of the shirt open with one hand and was running his fingers over Sawyer's abdominal muscles.

The American pulled back briefly as he kept his eyes on Sayid. "You want to play it like that?"

With that he pulled both of his hands forward and put them on either side of Sayid's shirt and pulled the soaked material apart. Sayid growled slightly as Sawyer stepped forward and kissed him again whilst running a hand up and down his now bare chest. Sayid couldn't even think straight as he felt their bare flesh touch and had given up even attempting rational thought as he responded to every move Sawyer made eagerly.

Sawyer pulled back from Sayid's mouth and turned his attention to his neck, which he kissed slowly at first before slowly making tiny circles on the surface with his tongue. The American didn't keep his attention there long as he found his way back to Sayid's mouth and kissed it more fully.

Sayid was next to break away as he managed to get his back away from the tree trunk he had been pinned against earlier. Without taking his mouth away from Sawyer's he managed to position Sawyer against the tree again. Ignoring the pain in his finger and bruised hand he brought both hands to the front of Sawyer's body and pushed his shirt back, leaving his chest completely naked. As Sawyer protested slightly when Sayid moved his mouth from his lips his head tilted skywards as Sayid leant forward and kissed Sawyer's chest. Sayid worked his way down lower, kissing and licking different areas of Sawyer's muscular abdomen, smiling when he got a response he liked. As he got to the waistband of Sawyer's jeans he stood again and allowed Sawyer to pull his head towards his own. Sayid allowed Sawyer to reposition them to the initial position, grateful of the support the tree was now providing his legs which seemed quite incapable of supporting his body weight anymore.

The contact between them seemed to be over too soon as both men pulled back, reluctantly. Both of their breathing was ragged as they stood in silence for a second, just looking at each other trying to work out what had just happened yet knowing that if they didn't stop then, there would be no going back. If they kept going - they wouldn't be able to pretend it didn't happen and Sayid knew that they both would need to be able to pretend that it didn't happen.

Sawyer shook his head as he took a step back and turned away from Sayid and leant over, trying to catch his breath.

Sayid brought a hand up to his own face and wiped the rain from it as he looked at Sawyer - what had they just done? What had this man in front of him managed to do to him?

"Fucking hell," Sawyer muttered. "I told you we fuck each other up! You and this stupid hellhole will be the end of me."

Sayid shook his head and sank down beside the tree, not even making any further attempts to wipe the rain from his face as he continued to breath deeply. "If we don't get off this island, it will be the end of all of us."

"Yeah well, we'll probably kill each other well before then," Sawyer said as he stood up. "This is not what I do. I do not screw around with people like you! I fucking hate people like you!"

Sayid narrowed his eyes as he looked at the man in front of him. Sawyer's tone wasn't aggressive, just confused, although Sayid couldn't help but pick up on the trace of fear and nervousness in his voice as well. It made him feel a little better that he wasn't the only one unnerved about what had happened.

"The feeling is completely mutual, I assure you," Sayid said, trying to disguise all the emotions in his own voice. "May I suggest that the next time you are trying to prove how much you hate someone that you do not kiss them? It tends to overcomplicate already complex issues."

Sawyer shook his head as he ran a hand through his now soaking hair. "I'm not gay. I'm as straight as any guy can get - ask Kate! This is your fault!"

"How exactly do you work out that it was my fault? I went into the woods to be alone, you followed, I left again, you followed, you then proceed to kiss me. How does anyone, even a man such as you, work out that I'm to blame?"

"Because you won't get out of my fucking head!" Sawyer yelled as he shook his head. "I have standards which basically involves two rules - they are female and English is their first language. Then you come along and fuck everything up."

Sayid paused for a moment before shaking his head. "I still fail to see why it is my fault."

"Basically, you're you and the only other person here. As it can't be my fault, that automatically makes it yours," Sawyer said as though his logic would be obvious to Sayid. He took a deep breath as he shook his head. "What the hell do we do now? I mean I assume neither of us will be shouting about this around the island?"

"No one will hear anything about it from me," Sayid quickly reassured Sawyer. The sooner the incident was left in the past the better. "I suggest we just put it down to the stress of being on an island and forget it. Strange things happen to people when they are in stressful situations - that is all this was."

Sawyer looked at him for a moment and nodded his head in relief. "Good. Well, glad we cleared that up."

Sayid nodded, knowing that there were still unanswered questions hanging in the air.

"See you in the camp, Al...Sayid," Sawyer said as he turned his back and began walking away. He stopped after a few yards. "By the way, in case you're curious - I still hate you."

With that he disappeared before Sayid could respond. Sayid looked after him and put both his hands to his head. He wasn't sure what had happened but he knew it had made the whole Sawyer issue far more complicated. He didn't ever envision a time would come when he would enjoy kissing a man, where he would feel like his legs were going to give way down to a mere kiss. He'd grown up where those types of actions and feelings were considered wrong and although he had rejected much of the teachings and beliefs of his youth, he had never expected that he'd ever be in the situation like this. Damn that man. Damn this island. Damn that kiss.

That kiss.

It was just one of the things that he didn't need - he already had so many reasons to dislike Sawyer that the last think he needed was another but somehow, the way that kiss had made him feel and the fact that it was the first and last time he would feel that way, gave him one more reason why there was something about that man that he didn't like.

The End