Author's Notes: Don't ask me, I don't know what it is. I blame Cendrillo with her dialogue that makes images without trying. If Reno sounds strange in this, he's pretty feverish for most of it.
I find first person point of view is tough to write. Comments would be much appreciated.
Formatting is still strange on this site. I use --- to indicate a change in time
Teardrops
There's something in the air, something alive and breathing and invigorating. I can feel it in every part of me. It's written in the lines on her skin. I can taste it in her sweat. That's why I do it; because it lets me feel.
---
"You know Reno, one day you're gonna wake up and find a woman beside you that's not going to leave you in the morning."
"I doubt it."
---
Gone again. There's only one more thing left to do. Grad the bottle, uncork, pour. If I must be cold then I will be numb.
---
"Reno you can't just stand there. You can't just..."
"Why not?"
"Because I know you damn it! I know – you know it's not that simple."
It's always been easier to walk away.
---
Just run with it, roll with it. Smile a little and laugh along. Sickeningly easy.
---
There's blood rolling down the tip of my finger. I can feel it. Blood like teardrops against the pavement. She holds me up.
"God damn it Reno, you can never stay out of trouble."
I'm cold.
"Damn it Reno. I'm not letting you die. It's not that easy."
"Please..."
---
It never was that easy. I never believed it would be. But sometimes when you're that close to letting go, it gets harder and harder. I tried, believe me I tried.
---
Blood and black. I can't see. I can hear myself breathing. I feel like I'm fading but you're holding me and for some reason I can't let go.
---
You frighten me sometimes, you know that?
---
Warm, so warm around me. I try to move and I can't. Panic. Never liked closed places. Never could stand being confined. I can't find my way out, I...
"Hey, easy Reno. It's okay, it's okay."
Hands against my face, cool against my skin. Blurred vision but I know you.
"'Lena?"
"It's okay Reno."
Smiling, you're smiling.
"Where...?"
"In a hospital."
"How...?"
A little laugh.
"God, I thought you knew me better than that, Reno. You didn't think I'd give up, did you?"
Laughter like papers crumbling.
"Never that."
---
I didn't know that you were staying with me but I felt it went you woke me. The same dream. I feel like I'm drowning. The ocean's black around me, sucking my breath away. I can't breathe, I can't breathe...
Hands on my back.
"Reno, Reno calm down. It's okay. You have to breathe. It's okay..."
But I can't remember how.
The water's all around me and I can't...
Arms around me, holding me together. I can feel your heart beating 'Lena. You take a breath.
"Like this Reno. Breathe, breathe."
I can feel you moving against me, breathing for me.
"Breathe Reno."
Quick, shuddering gasps. Air trickles in. Your hand brushes my chest. I can still feel your heart.
"That's it Reno, breathe."
---
I wake up and the sun's shining in. The light dazzles my eyes.
"Oh, is it too bright for you Reno?"
I hear the curtains slide shut. There's a tiny sliver of light where the sunshine still creeps in. You walk back to the bed and sit in a chair. How long are you planning on staying with me 'Lena?
I must've said your name because you look at me, brown eyes drinking me in. I can't take it.
I try to move away but I'm stuck in this damn bed. You get up and come over, concerned.
"Reno, what's wrong?"
You'll never know. I promise you'll never know.
"... the light."
"Oh, sorry. But it's daytime out Reno. It's bound to be sunny."
Not always.
---
The water's cold. Its chill is seeping into me. I try to breathe and I can't. I try to breathe and...
"Reno!"
Hands on my face, my shoulders.
"Reno, damn it wake up!"
Air slams into me and I convulse on the bed, drinking it in. I gasp and I sputter. God, I hate being weak.
You put the glass to my lips. It's cold.
"Drink this."
It's ironic that I'm so thirsty. You smooth my hair and I'm almost annoyed at the contact but I'm too tired to care.
"Reno, what's wrong?"
Why do you keep asking? I swallow.
"Just a nightmare 'Lena. That's all."
It's dark enough that I can't see your reaction. That's good. I know you know I'm lying. The silence feels heavy.
Just believe me 'Lena. It'll be easier that way.
"Alright Reno."
Never wanted to hurt you. You know that, don't you?
---
Water. It's always water. I can't breathe, I can't...
I spring up in bed, coughing and spluttering. I can't breathe. I cough and I cough because I can still taste the salt water. It's sour like teardrops. I can't get it out of me.
Your hands are on me again. Why are you always here?
"Breathe Reno."
You sound weary. It's okay. One day I'll wake up and you won't be here.
"Reno, just breathe."
Eventually I can again and you surprise me by slumping against my back. Your cheek is pressed against me. I wonder if you can feel my heartbeat.
"You aren't going to tell me, are you?"
You don't really expect an answer, do you?
---
It's very quiet in the room and it's so dark that I can't see anything. That's strange. I have very good eyes. Lately I haven't been able to see much.
I don't like the silence.
"'Lena?"
You stir.
"Yes Reno?"
"You still here?"
A pause.
"Yeah, I'm still here."
---
It's always hardest at night because it's so dark. I was afraid of the dark when I was a kid. You could never tell what was there. Sounds were bigger, shadows scarier.
The water's dark too. Maybe that's why I can't breathe.
I gasp and struggle. Maybe this time will be the last time. Maybe finally...
Your hands are around me again. You hold my straining lungs together. You teach me to breathe again. Every night. Why are you still here?
Eventually, my breathing slows. Once again, I can breathe. It's still too dark. I can't see anything but I can feel you against my back and I don't have to be able to see.
You don't move away this time.
Something's wrong. I don't know what but I can feel it.
I hear you gasp and I know what it is.
Awkwardly, I try and turn around. I'm still caught up in these damn blankets. I have to half push, half wiggle my way out of them. You draw away from me and let me free myself. I can finally face you but you aren't looking at me. Maybe you're hoping that it's dark enough that I won't see. Bad luck for you 'Lena because I've always had good eyes.
I sit there looking at you for a moment, unsure of what to do. A part of me remembers your hands around me, holding me together. Tentatively, I move forward. You lean into me.
I can't remember the last time that I just held a woman.
You're crying now. I can feel your tears melting into me. Great gasping sobs are tearing you apart. Oh, I'm so sorry 'Lena. I'm so sorry.
I put my hand on your head and you bury your face into my collarbone. Your tears slide down my chest. You're shaking and sobbing. I hold you closer.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I whisper in your ear the things you want to hear. I tell you that it's okay, that everything's going to be all right, but I know you don't believe me. You just cry.
You know the truth. I know you do. I can't help what I am, 'Lena. You shouldn't cry for broken things.
You held me when I was dieing, every night. Somehow you made me wake up and see the morning. You hold me when I can't breathe, when my life's slipping away.
So I hold you when you cry. It's killing me but I'll live for you. I know you don't want to see anyone else die.
Your tears fall like blood off my fingertips.