A/N: This story was originally in script form, so I apologize for the fact that it's almost completely dialogue and for all of the times that I have to say 'said so-and-so.'
Sir Bedivere's Logic: The earth is banana shaped
Waves crashed, throwing up sea scum onto the dock of a boatyard. The boatyard was littered with crates and fish guts, the smell nearly enough to knock someone out. Two beggars sat on the ground, using a cat to sweep up dirt and grime into an open, upturned crate. Sir Bedivere stood atop a sturdy crate, gazing out to sea. A yelling crowd of seamen passed by, arguing about a pending voyage out to sea.
"We can't go out to sea! That'd be murder!"
"Yeah, we'd fall off the edge of the earth!"
"That's right, the earth's flat, you know."
"Yeah, the earth is flat. We'd fall off the edge if we sailed out too far."
Sir Bedivere, hearing the argument, turned his back on the sea and stared down at the crowd. "Flat you say?" Sir Bedivere said, leaning toward the crowd of men to get their attention. "And why would you say that the earth is flat?"
"Because it's flat," said a squat, bald man near the crate on which Sir Bedivere stood.
"Yes, yes, it's flat. The earth is flat," agreed a tall, lanky man behind the bald man.
King Arthur, riding along the docks, heard the conversation and pulled back on his reins to stop and listen. Patsy, his trusty companion, stopped alongside him, banging his coconuts together in order to imitate a horse as it is being reined to a halt.
"I've seen the edge of the earth. If just falls right away," said a man with a pot strapped to his head as if it were a hat.
"I fell off the side of the earth," said the tall man.
"Really?" said Sir Bedivere, lifting his visor to get a better look at the man. "You fell off the side of the earth?"
"Well," said the tall man, looking from side to side nervously, "I climbed back up. Or ... swam back up?"
"Well, the earth is not flat," said Sir Bedivere, rocking back on his heels a bit.
"Wow, did you hear that?"
"He's going to prove that the earth's not flat!"
"Let's all listen."
"How is it that the earth's not flat?"
"Well, let's see here," said Sir Bedivere to the now attentive crowd, "What sort of things are flat?"
"The earth! The earth!" cried the pot-hat man.
"Squashed potatoes?" asked the bald man. "Rhinoceroses? Really flat horseshoes?"
"The earth!" said a short man with bright eyes near the front of the crowd, "the earth is flat."
"Pickles?" asked the tall man, "Bouncing balls? Really small rocks?" He held up his hand to demonstrate the size of a really small rock.
"I know the answer! It's the earth!" reiterated the pot-hat man.
"No, no no!" called Sir Bedivere, waving his arms to get the crowd to quiet down. "None of those things are flat. I was asking for names of things that are flat."
"Witches?" asked the bald man. "Apple juice?"
"The earth!" said the pot-hat man, jumping up and down in earnest, his face alight with anticipation. "It's the earth!"
"Sticks?" asked the short man. "Swords? Paper?"
"Yes, that's right!" said Sir Bedivere. "Paper. Paper is flat. And what do you do with paper?"
King Arthur nodded in agreement, but remained a silent spectator, still unnoticed by Sir Bedivere or the yelling crowd.
"Build paper boats out of it?" asked the tall man, scratching his head.
"Flatten it?" asked the pot-hat man.
"Sit on it?" said the short man.
"Burn it!" shouted the bald man.
"No, that's not what you do with paper!" called Sir Bedivere. The crowd continued as if he hadn't said anything though.
"Lay it on the ground?"
"Eat it?"
"Make books out of it?" asked the short man.
"Yes," said Sir Bedivere, pointing at the short man, "But, can you make books out of the earth?"
"Yes."
"Yes."
"No."
"No, no you can't."
"No."
"Then," said Sir Bedivere, "if you can't make books out of the earth..."
"Then the earth..." said the bald man.
"The earth is..." said the tall man.
"The earth is flat?" asked the pot-hat man.
"The earth is not flat?" asked the short man.
"Correct!" exclaimed Sir Bedivere, clapping his hands together. "The earth is not flat!"
"Then what is it?"
"If the earth isn't flat, then how come you fall off the edge if you sail out too far?"
"Yeah, the earth has to be flat!"
"What is the shape of the earth?"
"Well," said Sir Bedivere, "you don't make books out of the earth. So, what do you do with the earth?"
"Kick it?" asked the tall man.
"Sit on it?" asked the pot-hat man.
"Make books out of it?" said the bald man.
"Look at it?" asked the short man.
"Burn it!" said the pot-hat man.
"Grow things on it?" said the short man, scrunching up his face in concentration.
"Good!" said Sir Bedivere, lifting his pointing finger up into the air in acknowledgement. "You grow things on the earth. Therefore, the earth must be shaped like something that grows on it."
"Squirrels grow on the earth!"
"What about unladen swallows?"
"No, grass does."
"I think it's a wheel!"
"No, that's all wrong," said Sir Bedivere. "How about this? In the spring, what color does the grass and the trees and the weeds start to show?"
"Purple?" asked the tall man. "Red?"
"Black and white?" said the pot-hat man.
"Green?" asked the short man.
"That's right!" said Sir Bedivere, nearly falling off the crate in his excitement. "Everything is green. Then, in the hot heat of the summer, when the sun beats down on everything, what color do the green things turn to?"
"Purple?" asked the tall man.
"Polka dotted?" asked the bald man. "Maybe stripes?"
"Green?" asked the pot-hat man. "Does it turn to green?"
"No, I think it turns orange," said the tall man.
"Yellow?" said the short man.
Sir Bedivere's high voice rose above the noise of the crowd. "When the sun beats down and the grasses begin to die, they turn yellow. So, what grows on the earth and starts out green, but then, the more that it's in the sun, it begins to turn yellow?"
"Rabbits?" asked the pot-hat man.
"Grass," said the short man.
"Witches?" asked the tall man.
"Grass," said the short man.
"The earth?" asked the bald man.
"Really flat leaves?" asked the tall man.
"Grass," said the short man.
"Fishes?" asked the pot-hat man.
"Bananas!" said King Arthur, bringing attention to himself for the first time. Sir Bedivere lifted his visor, his eyes going wide.
"Oooooo," said many crowd members.
"Exactly," said Sir Bedivere, "so logically..."
"If bananas are green..."
"And then they turn yellow..."
"And the earth turns yellow..."
"Then the earth must be flat!"
"No, no the earth isn't flat. So, if the earth is like a banana..."
"Then the earth must be shaped like..."
"Like..."
"A banana!"
"Oh yes!" said Sir Bedivere, "They've finally got it! The earth is shaped like a banana!"
A/N: If you really liked this story, then proceed to the next chapter for an example of Sir Bedivere's logic concerning how a sheep's bladder can prevent earthquakes.