I Will Crumble

Sean Cameron sat hunched over the table, one arm on his lap while his other hand played with the fork, pushing the food on his plate around, trying to distract himself from his head swimming with thoughts. It has been two months since he said goodbye to Ellie, the girl who he planned on loving forever. And here he was, sitting at his small home in Wasaga Beach while Ellie sat at home in the house they once shared, trying to find a way to pay rent. Sean knew that leaving her like that was a bad idea, he should have thought about the financial issues involved. Yes, he and Ellie were not married, they were far from it. But when she needed a place to crash Sean happily offered. He loved her, and the thought of waking up every morning knowing she was in the same house as him...it was the most amazing feeling he had ever experienced. And for the short while they lived together, it was the one memory he has from Toronto that will follow him everywhere.

Yet he knew for a fact that if he stayed there, it would be the death of him. While he loves Ellie, and with all of his heart, he can no longer walk the halls of Degrassi and pretend as if he was not responsible for taking the life of another human being. Yes, everyone is calling him a hero. So Rick had every intention of killing people, Jimmy, Emma and who knows who else. And while everyone at Degrassi has convinced themselves that Sean grabbed that gun in order to protect Emma, Sean knew the real reason why. The real reason why he grabbed that gun was for Ellie. Even though Ellie and Rick have never even really spoken to one another, just the thought that Rick was walking around school, a gun in his hand shooting innocent people, it scared Sean. The last thing he wanted to happen was for Ellie to be one of those innocent people caught in a wrong place at the wrong time situation. So he grabbed the gun. As he wrestled for control of the weapon with the psychotic boy, all his thoughts were fixated on one thing and one thing only. Ellie's safety. Emma being there, it would not have made a difference if she was not. Because Sean didn't care. All he cared about was ending the violence before it was too late.

When the gun went off, and Sean felt the impact, he felt Rick's entire body surge, he felt the weapon shake in his hand...felt the warm liquid wash over him..while he assumed maybe his fear had gotten the best of him, all he could think about was if he was shot. He was not aware that Rick was the one on the wrong end of the gun until they were both sprawled out on the hard floor. He turned to his side, sweat dripping down his face, his hands covered in blood and quickly searched himself for any wounds. Luckily he came up clean, but when he turned to his side..his entire face dropped at the sight before him. There lay Rick. Covered in blood, dripping from the open wound in his stomach. Sean sat there in shock for what seemed like ages, until finally Ellie's face popped into his head. And as he hurried to his feet, his immediate reaction was to go search for her, make sure she was ok. Because at that moment all he could think was...life without Ellie, is no life at all.

"Sean...are you ok?"

The sound of his mother's voice shook him from his world of memories. Looking up from his plate, Sean slowly nodded. Was he ok? No. Of course not. He'll never be ok. Not after everything that has happened so far this year. Not after being responsible for killing Rick, not after leaving Ellie behind, not after anything. He was living in a place he once dreamed to escape with people who no longer know who he is. They still think he is the same troublemaker badboy being chased by the police around every corner. They have no idea of the man he is now. The man who would do anything for those he loved, the man who cleaned himself up after realizing who his heart belonged too. Ellie had changed Sean. And while many believe it was Emma, all Emma did was reassure him never to expect more of people, because in the end they will let you down. Emma convinced Sean that it is wrong to hold a person to a high standared, especially a person who allowed for her priorities to get in the way of her relationship. While he admired her for caring so much about others, he hated how she never had time for him. It was not until Ellie came along that he realized just how amazing the love of another person could be.

"Sean." Again, he was shaken from his thoughts.

"I'm fine." He mumbled through clenched teeth as he locked eyes with his mother.

"You hardly touched your dinner." She replied, actually sounded concerned for a change.

"Not hungry." Sean replied coldly.

"So, when do we get to meet your girlfriend?" His mother asked, her voice full of hope.

"Never." Sean replied simply.

When he locked eyes with her, he saw as her entire face fell. Actually looking hurt by his harsh coment. But all Sean could think about was what he hated about his mother. Her drinking. She drank too much just like his father and knowing that they too were alcoholics was enough to make sure they never met Ellie.

"Her moms a drunk. Last thing I want is for her to meet you when you're both like this." Sean replied quietly. Great, now he knows he's in for it.

"Watch it." His fathers rough voice broke through the silence.

"Why should I?" Sean asked him. Locking eyes with his old man. "All you two ever do is drink and fight and drink and fight...Ellie's had enough to deal with I don't want her to have to see you two like this." Sean said, standing up from the table.

"What are you saying?" His father asked, standing up as well.

"Face it dad, you're both alcoholics." Sean said, as he stared him in the eyes. Last thing he was going to do was to lie.

"Go to your room!" His father demanded.

Shaking his head, Sean grabbed his sweatshirt from the back of his chair. "I'm going for a walk." He mumbled as he stormed out, slamming the door open as hard as he could. Walking away he heard the sound of the wooden door slamming back against the house, and could not help but smile. Satisfied with the fact that he finally told his father what he thought of him.

---

Ellie Nash sat on the couch, stareing blankly at the screen before her. The sound of the world famous Pearl Pinkton rambling on and on about her famous eraser collection no longer interested Ellie as it once did. As she watched the infomercial all she could think about was the first time she woke up in this house, in Sean's arms and this women was on the news. Discussing the only thing she can, her erasers. And while it was funny back then, her and Sean had a few laughs over it later that day, now it was nothing but another reminder of how alone she felt. Of how lost and empty she was now that Sean, the one person who promised to never leave her, had done just that.

While she fully understood his need to get away from this place, his need to find some sort of peace somewhere else, she could not help but wonder why he chose Wasaga Beach. Why he chose his parents over her, the people who abandoned him and pretended he was nothing short of a regular annoyance in their lives. Of course there was still just one question that continued to haunt her since the day he informed her that he was staying in Wasaga, and that question was...why didn't he ask her to stay with him? He should know by now that if Sean needed to get away that badly, all he would have to do was ask her to stay with him and she would not so much as question or second guess it. She would stay in a heartbeat, because school means nothing to her unless Sean is there. For so long he was the one reason why she continued to go, knowing that she would be able to spend even more time with him, touching him, seeing him smile, holding him, kissing him...and now...now she has not stepped foot in Degrassi since he left.

A knock at the door startled Ellie, as she stood up from the couch, grabbing Buller from the ground she walked to the door. Last thing she wanted to do was open the door and have Bueller, her and Sean's baby ferret, and the one piece of Sean she had left, bolting for the door and leaving her just as easily as everyone else did. Buller was supposed to be the start of something wonderful for the two of them, a symbol that they would be together always. Almost as if he was a baby, and that is exactly how they treated him. While it took Sean some getting used to, he finally accepted the fact that Buller was adorable and fell in love with him as easily as Ellie had.

Approching the door, she slowly opened it, everytime she opens that door a little piece of her wishes it will be Sean on the other side. Even though she knows the chances of that happening are slim to none. Plastering on the fakest smile she can manage, she takes a deep breath as she smiles at the two standing in the doorway.

"Hey." Ashley Kerwin and Marco Del Rosi say, smiling at her.

While anyday Ellie would love to see her two best friends come over, today was not the day. She was just not in the mood for a pity party right now.

"How are you doing?" Ashley asked, her voice full of concern.

"I'm fine." Ellie lied. If she was good at anything, it was faking her emotions. She had done it so long with her mom that now she became a pro.

"You are not fine." Marco cut in. Yet again, Marco was always the one who could tell when she was lieing. He did know her better then anyone. He was there for her when she needed him and vice versa, they had grown close ever since Marco came out of the closet and he learned how to read her like a book.

"Look at this place, El. You need to get out of here. Live a little. Which is why we are here."Marco said to her, a huge smile on his face.

"The Squash has a gig. Some battle of the bands thing. We want you to come." Ashley said as she removed Buller from Ellie's arms and placed him in his cage. "Comeon." She said, taking a hold of Ellie's arm.

"Look guys, thanks but no thanks." Ellie said. As she removed her arm from Ashley's.

"Comeon El. You've been spending almost every waking minute sulking around here. You haven't even come to school. Everyone misses you. You need to come out." Marco insisted.

"Look I appriciate it but I don't want to go, ok?" Ellie said as she looked at them.

"That doesn't really matter because you're coming." Ashley said with a grin.

Looking from Ashley to Marco, Ellie felt a slight fear sink in. Oh god what are they going to do now? Looking at her two friends she watched in horror as Marco grabbed the keys from the table, then walked back over to her, grabbing ahold of one of her arms while Ashley tightly wrapped her arm around Ellie's waste, together the two of them pushed her out the door, slamming it behind them while they dragged Ellie to the car, pushing her inside.

Ellie tried to struggle, tried to remove herself from around her friend's arms but they were both too strong for her weak little arms. As Ellie finally gave in. Maybe going out will be good for her.

-------

Sean stood at the edge of the beach, the warm water washing over his bare feet. Stareing out at the calm waves. His mind immediatly travled back to the first time he stepped foot on this beach in four years. It was him, Jay, Emma and Ellie. The four of them and their one trip together, the one trip where Sean actually enjoyed being here for a few moments. All due to the fact that it was just him and Ellie. Sure, Jay and Emma were also present but they were not who Sean was happy to be with. Half of the time Sean wished they would vanish, along with the rest of the world and leave him all alone with Ellie.

A smile spread across his face as he remembered Ellie's cute little giggle while he buried her in the sand, her adorable coment about it being like a mud bath, the way she looked at him, the way she smiled, the way she smelled. Like a mixture of sand, fish and the sweetness he always thought of as her smell. She always smelled fresh, no matter what other scents mixed in, Ellie had a distinct scent that always made Sean's heart skip a beat whenever he smelled it.

Sean felt as tears began to come to his eyes, more like one stray tear as he reached his arm up and brushed the tear away. Shaking his head he swallowed the lump in his throat, realizing how much he misses Ellie, how much he loves her, and how awful he feels for knowing that he did the one thing to her he always promised never to do, he left her behind. They had made plans to go on with their lives together, her moving in with him was a sign of a future together, Sean had even had a dream about someday marrying her, and now all of that is gone. All because he made one stupid mistake and left her behind. All because he let his selfishness get the better of him, and now he may never have her again.

Sean felt as a hand was lightly placed on his shoulder, looking down he noticed it clearly looked to the hand that would belong to a girl. He looked up to lock eyes with a tall blond girl, who smiled at him. "What's a good looking guy like you doing standing all alone on a beach at night?" She asked him. Sean didn't respond as he lightly lifted her arm from his shoulder. He looked at her once more before turning his attention back to the crashing waves. "So not for the small talk, huh?" She asked him, clearly Sean now realized she was hitting on him. He turned to her, angry that anyone would just come up to him like this. "Not for any talk." He replied coldly as he turned and brushed past her, walking away leaving her to stand there, stareing after him.

--------

Ellie stood in the crowded club, looking up at the stage as Craig, Spinner, Marco and Ashley jammed along, playing their songs. She noticed how much better they sound since the carwash. She tried to force a smile on her face, pretend she was having a good time and at least attempt to make Marco and Ashley feel like their efforts were not meaingless and that she was having a good time. But the harder she tried, the more she wanted to leave and go back to the empty house she shared with Sean, cuddle up with Buller and fall asleep flooded by memories of the brief time she was happy.

"Ellie." The sound of her name made Ellie shake herself from her thoughts, looking around her eyes landed on the familer blond as she approched her, almost as if she was approching with caution. igood idea./I Ellie thought bitterly.

Plastering on a fake smile she nodded at Emma Nelson as she closed the gap between them.

"How have you been?" Emma asked her. "I haven't seen you around school."

"Fine." Ellie replied shortly.

"Have you heard from...Sean?" Emma asked.

"Have you?" Ellie answered.

She did not stand there long enough to give Emma a chance to respond, instead Ellie gave her one final glance before she turned and walked away. She could not stand the thought of talking about Sean with his ex girlfriend, the only person who could make Ellie's blood boil with just one glance her way. Ellie does not hate Emma, she just doesn't care for her self rightous act and it gets worse with each moment she is forced to spend with her.

Ellie slammed through the wooden door to the girls bathroom, walking in she looked around as she made sure there was no one else there, all the stalls seemed to be empty. She walked over to the sink, turning on the water she bent down as she splashed some water onto her face, trying to stop herself from crying. She leaned over the sink, taking several deep, even breaths. "Calm down." She whispered to herself as she looked up at her reflection in the mirror, thoughts of Sean made her bottom lip tremble as the tears continued to threaten to spill.

At that moment the sound of her cell phone ringing forced Ellie to turn away from the mirror, distracting her for just a few short seconds. As she reached into her black bag which hung loosely on her shoulder, she dug for her cellphone. Pulling it out she pressed the call button, placing it to her ear.

"Hello?" She said into the phone, trying to sound as calm as she could. She waited for the person on the other end of the line to respond, and when they said nothing Ellie began to feel something flutter inside of her. "Hello?" She said again, again, no response.

Pulling the phone away she looked at the number on the tiny screen, it was a number she did not recognize. The area code seemed unfamiliar, and then it hit her.

"S-Sean...I...Is that you?" She asked.

Instead of responding, denying or confirming who it was, they hung up.

Ellie pulled the phone away from her ear, staring at it as she felt the tears sting her eyes, this time she did not fight. She let the tears fall as she realized...it had to have been him.