PLEASE TO READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTES!!1
I really want you guys to hear what I have to say. The reason that I worry that you won't is because I'm a skimmer, and so I don't always read the author's notes. Hypocritical of me, huh?
Right, this is my first fan-fic. Ever. Come to think of it, this is the first thing I've ever written that wasn't required for a class. I generally do not like to read or write, but despite that I have written this anyway, I hope you enjoy. And I understand that everyone has their own opinion and that I am not the world's greatest writer, but I hope you'll go easy on me.
A couple of notes; I finished watching the anime series, and even though I've technically never watched EoE, I know what happens (yeah I know, I've ruined it for myself, boo-friggin-hoo). I have mainly written this piece for my own benefit, to sort out some of my thoughts on Evangelion in general.
That said, I'm trying to at least explore some of the psychological aspects, specifically for Shinji and Asuka. Now I'm no expert on anything, including Evangelion, these are just some things that I thought of as I watched, as well as things that I don't think were really fully addressed or examined.
Shinji may be a little OOC, and for that I apologize. I chalk that up to the shock of having survived Third Impact. You can make your own interpretations, though. That, or berate me for taking him out of character. : )
One final thing; I am ADMITTEDLY an A/S kind of guy (don't worry, that doesn't mean I'm a Rei basher). It's just my opinion that they're cute together and that they work, if only they'd stop bickering. However, I will try hard not to make this into some romantic "and they had many babies and lived happily ever after" deal. In fact, I'm not even necessarily going to pair them up like that when this story is over. Even though I'd like for the guy to get the girl, considering all the hell they've been through I think that that is the farthest thing from both their minds.
Oh, and I'm still working on editing. I can't seem to get the bold and italics in the document manager to transfer over when I save. It will let me put them in when I edit the text right then and there, but when I hit the save button it doesn't transfer over. Weird. Also, even though the story is published I have re-submitted chapters a couple of times already. It's mostly just fixing typos, but some of it is also re-wording; scratched out a sentence I later didn't like, tried to use a different or more appropriate adjective, changed a sentence because I thought it didn't convey the idea correctly, that kinda thing. Nothing plot-wise or anything like that has been altered; there have been absolutely NO radical changes.
Okay, read and let me know what you think. I've only done the first 3 chapters thus far. If you like what I've got, I'll try to come up with more. I have some ideas for what I want to happen, but the story isn't actually finished. If this thing gets popular enough, I'll try to churn out another chapter every week or so. No promises, though. I suck at college as it is. : )
Coming to an Understanding
1. A Prologue of Sorts
Slowly regaining his consciousness, he noticed that darkness surrounded him. He could feel nothing. Do nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The dark void seemed to engulf him as if it was all that remained of his petty existence. For a moment, it felt....familiar. Almost comforting. As if emptiness was his constant companion. Yes, that's right. He was no stranger to this sensation of....
It was all coming back to him now. The constant self-imposed isolation for fear of rejection and pain. The continuous need for his solitude because no one understood him. The near-obsession with self-pity because nobody cared about him anyway. The instinctual act of running away, running from additional pain, running from his own inadequacy, running from the accusing stares of those he had failed time and time again. Running without a care as to the destination, only that it was away.
All of that had aided in building up to the exciting climax, that magnificent event known as Third Impact. The world was now frighteningly tranquil. Every last human being had their AT Fields, the protective barrier of every soul that demarcated a border which no one must traverse, the very thing that protected them from the pain caused by others but paradoxically caused more pain by preventing the ability to connect with others, rendered completely useless, any sense of self and identity washed way along with that inhibition of connection. People ceased to be aware of themselves and, in essence, were simply....aware. They ceased to be and simply...were. There was no pain, no happiness, nothing. He inwardly grinned at the irony that their respective situations were similar in that there was nothing. Similar. But not the same.
He was now all that remained of humanity. Him, and his emptiness. A world that was also without fear of rejection, but paid for at a different price altogether. The price HE had paid, willingly, without someone telling him to do so. It was important that this much be understood, though at the moment he could not remember what it was or why it mattered. Even so, he had finally located the peace of mind he had both longed for and, secretly, felt entitled to. With no one remaining to judge him, no expectations to uphold, he could now be truly happy with himself. He had at last achieved true peace.
Or had he? Was this what he really wanted? To be utterly and helplessly alone? How the hell did he know what had happened to everyone else and that he was the only one left? Was he really that depressed, immature and whiny? What's he doing here, anyway?
His consciousness asserting more of itself, his body began to return to him. Though that eternal portion of his self wanted to bask in the darkness of his own depths for the remainder of all time, his physical, mortal coil screamed at him with other needs. First and foremost, his mind painfully, slowly, but greedily took in the new information that mercilessly attacked his senses, ravenous for something new to process, taking time to reactivate and catalogue that which they were collecting one at a time until all five of them could behave in concert again. Common sense returning to him, he at last came to the conclusion that the reason it was dark was because his eyelids were shut. Mentally scolding himself at the brief episode of stupidity, he now opened his eyes, almost instantly regretting the action.
Red. Almost nothing but red surrounded him, it's sickening color assaulting his blue orbs. The entire sky was painted in hues of red, a combination of the setting sun and the disturbing blood-red belt that now encircled the earth. Wait, not just red....black? Yes, there was what appeared to be a black circle in the sky off to his left. That could not possibly be the moon, the moon he knew was...White. That was the next color to be added to his pallet and registered in his mind, his pair of moist occipital spheres telling him that a larger, but nonetheless round object was advertising itself off to his right. Aah, THAT was the moon his brain had tucked away somewhere in the billions of neural connections that formed the biological basis for his awareness. But when did that second, smaller moon appear?
Trying not to push himself too hard lest he end up hurting his brain, he instead chose to invest his attention span on the rest of his senses. Now his hearing began to report back for duty. Deciding that seeing the bleeding heavens was enough for his eyes for the moment, he now chose to focus on what his ears had to tell him. Only one sound made itself known to the world. Or to him, at least. It was a slow, rhythmic pulse. Soft, low sounds of water flowing and lapping on itself, proving to be very soothing. It certainly beat gazing up at that hideous red sky and its latest celestial accessory. Somewhere in the back of his mind, an alert cried out that it was rather odd that this was the only sound that could currently be detected, but he was not yet ready to deal with such matters. First he wanted to learn the nature of that calming oscillation. .....hmmmmm. Obviously he must be close to a body of water. Perhaps he had somehow washed up on a beach?
That seemed to be in agreement with what his sense of touch was now revealing. The sense that covered his entire body like a glove appeared to say that he was on his back, the rear of his skull forcing his face to be parallel with the sky, which would certainly explain his less-than-appealing view at the moment. Not detecting anything useful through his clothing, the bare skin on his hands and lower arms analyzed the surface. It felt gritty, but soft. Sand. Of course! He MUST be on a beach. Was this some kind of reward for his role in ridding humanity of its miserable existence? The rest of his natural life-span to be occupied by taking up residence near an ocean? It wouldn't do him much good, seeing as he could not swim, and the atmospheric scenery was not prime choice, but he could hardly care, given the serenity of those salty waves.
What the hell? The smell contained not a single trace of saltiness within it. That's odd, this smelled more like
"Blood."
Barely successful in convincing his tendons and muscles that he was still in charge, he willed his lazily idle arms out of their slumbering state and pushed his torso up into an upright position. He looked down at the white sands. Seemed normal enough, but then again it was just sand. He had already seen white, anyway, this was boring him. He needed to put something new into his reservoir of experience. But the new object of his attention denied his wish, for this color was also already stored away in his experience. This wasn't right. An ocean was supposed to be blue, not red. It should be accompanied by a salty sea breeze, not the revolting smell of vital bodily fluid.
Finally noticing it, he winced only slightly at the pain. It was coming from both of his palms. He lifted both of them to his view, observing them critically to determine the source of the distress. Except for what appeared to be some minor bruising, his hands seemed to be perfectly fine. Yet somehow he had been expecting the wounds to be much more serious. He had this feeling (was it a feeling, or a memory?) that something had actually pierced his hands.
The memories of the events before his waking up here were almost ready to begin their cascade through his psyche, they just needed to be pushed little bit further. So far he could see that this was not an ocean, but instead it was a very, very large lake. It was wide enough in diameter that he had difficulty making out the shoreline directly across from his side. Actually, his view of the other side of the lake was currently being impeded by what could only be described as a giant black stone that seemed to be in the shape of a head.
No, not just a head, there was a face on that head as well! And not just any face, but a face that he knew all too well, somewhere in the back of his mind. It was the face of death.... SHE was death. And the red water was her blood, the very same blood that was the LCL that he would breathe in when he used to...pilot? LCL? He breathed blood? He...piloted something that he always complained smelled like blood? But this was not just any blood, now. It was HER blood.
"Rei...Lilith....Rei?"
Those two names were hesitant to leave his tongue, and he wasn't still completely up to speed as to what they meant to him. Surrounding this giant bust was a series of white beings whose arms were spread wide open as if they had been crucified and then damned to occupy the remainder of infinity out in the crimson waters. The feature of the white beings that struck the largest chord with him was what appeared to be a teeth-bearing grin on each of their hound-like snouts. They were grinning horribly, the grin of a madman who pondered nothing but perverted, mischievous thoughts ever day of his demented life. Those daggers that were their teeth did nothing to alleviate the feeling of his blood curdling, either.
If you were to see his face at that moment, it would have been a blend of horror, disgust, remorse, and awe. His eyes were wide and his jaw was hanging low, but then the memories of what had led up to all of this came back to haunt him, leaving him absolutely no room to take shelter from their cruel beating. The images, sounds, thoughts, feelings, rushed him, giving him no time to process it all.
In the span of only a mere few moments, Shinji Ikari, a very reserved and shy Japanese male of 14 with dark blue eyes which spoke of infinite sadness, a posture that spoke of little self-confidence, and moppy dark brown hair that simply said he needed a haircut, sitting on the white sand in plain black pants, plain white sneakers, and a navy-blue undershirt covered by a plain short-sleeved button-up white shirt, the third child selected to pilot the creatures known as the Evangelions against the exotic titans known as the Angels, had run through what seemed like almost two days worth of activity.
Death.
Geo Front.
NERV.
Father.
BASTARD! I HATE YOU!!!
Run away.
Depression.
Hospital.
I'm so fucked up!
Run away.
Everyone can just die.
The final Angel.
Instrumentality.
SEELE.
Human Contemplation Project.
Run away.
"Quit acting like a spoiled brat! Like it or not, you're still alive. Get moving and DO something! You can die later!"
"That was a very grown-up kiss, Shinji. We'll do the rest when you get back."
Tastes like blood.
Death.
Run away.
Eva.
Bakelite.
I...I can't. I'm no good. I can't pilot EVA if all I do is hurt and kill people.
Run away.
"Damn they're persistent! Of course, that idiot Shinji is nowhere to be found!"
A scream that makes my skin crawl.
Eva Unit 01 moves on its own......again.
Unit Two's remains are on the ground and in their mouths.
....Asuka!
ASUKAAAAAA!!!!!!
Rage.
I'll kill you! I'll Kill you!! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!!
White Evas holding giant deadly sticks and even deadlier grins.
AAAGGH!!! MY HANDS!
High above in lower earth orbit.
Rei?
LILITH?!
Run away.
Kaoru!
I'm in a park, building a pyramid?
"You never understood anything."
I thought it was supposed to be a world without unpleasantness...without uncertainty.
"Because you assumed everyone was like you."
Betrayed! You betrayed my feelings!
"You misunderstood from the start. You assumed without asking."
Nobody cares whether I live or die. Nothing will change...so everyone can just die!
The world would be better if I wasn't here. So I should just die too...
"Then why are you here?"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Run away.
I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away!
Hot coffee on my lap and glass shards embedded in my arms.
DIE, BITCH!!!
Run away.
"This is the sea of LCL. That is the sea of the origin of life. This is the world without AT Fields, and therefore, without your own shape. You can't tell the difference between one person or another. An ambiguous world. Everything is yourself, and also, everything is not yourself. A dead world."
This isn't quite what I had hoped for.
"If you hope that other people exist again, your heart will separate everyone once more. You will be frightened of other people, again."
It doesn't matter. Thank you.
"So you have to use your own strength to get your lost self back. Even if you lose your own language, you have to import other peoples' languages."
Mother.
"Don't worry, darling. All living creatures have the power to be brought back to life, and the will to go on living. Anywhere can be paradise, as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive--so you will always have the chance to be happy."
Good bye...mother.
Shinji knew that he could not stop the flow of memories, so he just let them continue on. He wanted to remember anyway. To not remember how all of this had come to be, to simply forget the sacrifices that were made, to forget the promise he made to his mother, who had protected him inside his Eva all this time, would make a mockery of it all. No, he would not run from the pain anymore; he NEEDED the pain. He needed to remember, to have some kind of reference. Even though he found the respite he had always wanted, he had also found the strength to keep on living in the real world and bear the pain that came with the pleasure of that respite, whereas everyone else simply wallowed in what amounted to nothing more than an illusion of happiness. It would be a very solitary respite, however, but it mattered not. He would miss his mother very dearly, but he was just glad to have gotten to be with her one last time before she and Eva Unit01 headed off into the vast, uncharted reaches of space, their destination not Earth-bound by any means. He was used to being alone anyway, and with nobody left to pass judgment over his actions, with no one left to rely upon their perception of him to determine his identity, Shinji made no deliberate effort to block out the pain that he was remembering.
It was all coming back to him now. The black moon in the sky....Lilith's Egg, he believed it was called. It was formerly the Geo Front, that giant hollow sphere that rested beneath the streets of the fortress-city Tokyo-3. It had been the location of NERV, the organization that was charged with the task of protecting humanity from the Angels, the other-worldly beings who, for whatever reason, were bent on ridding the world of Humanity. Now it was in orbit around the earth, its task of calling forth all human souls to Lilith having been completed. Maybe fate decided to leave it as a souvenir. And Lilith, the Angel who was quite literally the mother of all humanity, the Lilum.
'How fucked up is that,' he thought silently, not that he really expected anyone to answer the question, 'that the enemy we were fighting was really....just like us. And then, in the end of it all, we had to fight off other people to stop Third Impact. This entire time we've pretty much been fighting ourselves. If God really is in his heaven, he's sure as hell laughing his ass off at us now.' Shinji had bowed his head to look down at his feet as he was talking to himself, pointing his awareness away from the post-apocalyptic landscape and towards the events of today.
Everything he had fought for, the fifteen other Angels that he had a hand in killing all so that they would not be able to initiate Third Impact and actually kill off humanity, all the people who needlessly suffered because he didn't do his job right the first time, his being a constant burden on his mauve-haired drunken guardian, commanding officer, and surrogate mother, Major Misato Katsuragi, the maiming of one of his best friends, schoolmates, and brief coworker, the tough yet compassionate Touji Suzahara, his attraction and caring for his two female coworkers and fellow pilots, the hot-headed German red-haired Asuka Langley Sohryou and the albino light blue-haired Japanese puzzle Rei Ayanami, his synch training with Asuka, his rescuing her from the volcano after the eighth Angel, his inability to save Asuka from the fifteenth Angel's mind probe, his failure to save her from herself and her subsequent depression and coma, Rei's selfless sacrifice to save him, his betrayal at the hands of the only person who understood him, Kaoru Nagisa, who was really the seventeenth Angel, only to save humanity by refusing to fulfill his mission and allowing himself to be killed, Shinji squeezing the life out of Kaoru with his Eva's right hand until he exploded in a vulgar display of organs and blood, his hatred for piloting the mechanical beasts known as the Evangelions but dealing with it anyway because that's the only thing that would make people accept him, his drive to be accepted by his father, even though he hated him and would now gladly kill the old man.
All of it was completely and instantly rendered null and void because of some grumpy old geezers calling themselves SEELE who were worried about the next evolutionary of man. What a load of horse shit.
He wasn't sure how he knew, perhaps he had been made privy to one of the SEELE member's memories as he was absorbed into Instrumentality, but he soon somehow possessed the knowledge that he had played right into SEELE's hands. They were counting on him to head out in Eva Unit01, it had something to do with his Eva being a direct clone of Lilith. He thought back to that one time that Dr. Ritsuko Akagi had shown both him and Misato the "Eva graveyard," the depository for all the failed attempts at trying to clone the first Angel, Adam. That was also when he learned the horrific truth about Rei; the Rei he knew was simply one of many clones, an abomination of science created by the mixing of both human and Lilith's DNA. The clones were just empty vessels for the storing of what was really a piece of Lilith's soul, while the empty clones were what formed the basis of the auto-piloting system in the Evas, the dummy-plug system. She was a perversion of his mother, as it was her DNA that was the basis for Rei's human half.
Shinji felt flooded with guilt at having thought that way of her. It wasn't Rei's fault; she never had any say in her genetics, anymore than he could choose to be his father's son. And, at the very least, he now understood the connection that he felt to her. She was partly his mother and, in a way, that made her his sister. He also understood why she felt replaceable, her constant willingness to be put in the most dangerous situations. It wasn't because she was depressed or because she had no self-worth, she really was, quite literally, replaceable. But the Rei that he had developed this bond with, Rei II, was killed, her memories not fully transferring over to Rei III. This latest Rei did not remember Shinji nor did she seem to appreciate what her predecessor had gained. No, the Rei that Shinji knew was NOT replaceable. That was the Rei he would always remember, not this....thing....that was now slowly sinking into the lake of LCL.
He also knew that his own fath... no, the right hand of Lucifer did not deserve the title of father. He did not even deserve the surname "Ikari," as that was actually his mother's surname. The Supreme Commander of NERV, Gendo Rukabungi, who's cold, uncaring personality was matched only by the stare that he gave people, the kind of stare that made one feel like their bare soul had just been vivisected, had also planned on using him and his Eva to start Third Impact, only it would be a slightly altered version. In the back of his mind, Shinji somehow pulled up the information that he had done it in order to be reunited with Shinji's mother, who had disappeared under mysterious circumstances while testing Unit01 (this, of course, was due to the fact that she had been absorbed into the Eva, which is why she was with her son in Unit01 during Third Impact). For only a moment, Shinji could sympathize with the Commander, and for an even briefer moment, he felt that he understood. Gendo had lost something important to him, and so he simply shut himself off from everyone else, including Shinji.
In spite of all of that, however, that did not excuse Gendo's abandoning of Shinji, nor did it excuse his constant manipulation of his family and "friends." This was a person who had committed the unbearable act of having treated him like a tool, a cog in the machine that was identical to every other cog, and therefore if he ceased to be of use he was very easy to replace. For a while it had sufficed, because all Shinji ever wanted was to be accepted and needed, but later he realized that he didn't just want to be needed, he wanted to be wanted as well. With things as they were, Gendo would never be able to do that, and Shinji did not think it possible that even he could forgive Gendo for this. As stated, that moment of understanding was very brief, if it truly existed at all. Shinji brushed the thought aside like it was rubble that was obstructing his way.
Anyway, he had been positioned right where SEELE had wanted him. The nine towering beings of white, the Mass Production Evas, whose jagged tooth-filled grins filled his being with previously undiscovered levels of terror, were built not only to assault the Geo Front and NERV, but also to restrain Unit01 so that Third Impact could begin. The ethereal giant that was Rei/Lilith then appeared before him and gave him, of all people, the choice as to whether Third Impact would occur. Half-depressed, half-crazed, and still in a fit of rage over having allowed Misato and Asuka to die for him above all others, Shinji decided that nobody mattered or cared and that they could all just die. This had been, of course, what SEELE had wanted in the first place; they wanted him to be depressed, they wanted him to be suicidal and apathetic. He had to be broken, had to be molded to their exact specifications, or else he would reject everything for which SEELE had sacrificed so much and strived. It had to be him, because he was the only person in the world that Unit01, the purple giant with a single spike standing erect out of its head casing like it was a one-horned demon, would synch with. So HE had to bend according to their will, behave perfectly, if their plan to unite all humans in Instrumentality was to succeed.
And behaved like a good little tool he did. That was what got under Shinji's skin the most; the fact that he had been used again, that he had ALLOWED himself to be used. He could blame the decision on SEELE's manipulation, blame it on the fact that he wasn't thinking straight, blame it on his depression and frustration with the rest of the world. In the end, however, it had still been Shinji's choice to make. Choice, as in free will, that there was more than one option, maybe even a way out.
Even if he really believed that everyone else deserved to die, it still wasn't his decision to make. He had basically committed what amounted to genocide. Fine, SEELE and its members wanted to give up all rights to existence in exchange for unity, but what about the rest of the world? Maybe there were some who were not ready to join yet, if ever at all. Did any of them ask him to pick for them? Perhaps, just like Shinji, there were those who, on the one hand, sought human connection, but at the same time feared it because they were afraid of the risks, afraid to feel pain. Still, who said that this was what was best for everyone? Shinji could only imagine the horror that would go through someone's mind in their last moments as their souls were ripped from their bodies, their thoughts and dreams exposed for everyone else to see with no chance to cover it up. As their sense of self dissolved away, though, emotions would dissolve away as well. People would no longer be afraid to show themselves as they really were, not that they could do otherwise anyway.
People could share their memories and experiences unhindered, allowing for understanding that was so profound that it did not need to be conveyed through words, hyperboles, sarcasm, jokes, actions, or anything at all. One simply had to....to be. It could be considered the Hindu Brahmin's dream come true.
But that was just it; all that would be left would be the memories. There would be no emotions, no feelings attached to it. Two people might discover that they've secretly pined for each other for the longest time, but it would have no meaning to either party. They would simply become aware of it and leave it at that. "They" wouldn't even exist anymore, thus negating the whole thing. Even if happiness still managed to exist, though, pain and fear would still not exist. If everything is perfect all the time, if there is no unhappiness, can it be said that happiness exists? You cannot truly say that you are happy because you have nothing with which to compare it. You cannot say that you are sad if you've never been anything but sad. This was the realization that Shinji came to during the time that he was within Instrumentality.
Instrumentality. A state of existence that was suppose to be filled with only happiness because humanity was finally melded together without the self-imposed borders and facades to keep pushing others away. Because everyone could finally understand each other without fear of misinterpretation, it was suppose to be an ideal utopia, a place where one would know only pleasure and never pain. Shinji had previously thought that he had been stuck in the opposite situation; for almost his entire life, he felt like he never, ever knew a single moment of happiness, that pain and suffering was all he could ever hope to know. But it simply wasn't true. He had found happiness being invited into Misato's home, in getting Rei to smile after the destruction of the fifth angel, in hearing Gendo's words of praise that one time, in those moments when Asuka wasn't yelling at him, in having met and befriended Touji and Kensuke Aida, and in having found his mother after so many years.
Even if he had let them all down and then lost them all, even if he hated Misato for being drunken slob the time and for teasing him to no avail, even if he hated how Touji and Kensuke could be jackasses sometimes, even if he felt frustrated with Asuka to the point of just giving up on her, how she would never respect him as a friend or even as a human being, that he now wanted to choke the life out of that self-centered, ungrateful spoiled brat for rejecting him time after time, how the least she could do was give him some explanation as to her irrational abhorrence of him, he still managed to find happiness in the time that he knew them all. Though this was only a small amount of happiness given the scale of his lifetime, the pain and loneliness that he had suffered the rest of the time had actually increased its value for him. Because he had suffered, his happiness had meaning to him. Its effects on him were amplified because he had never known it before.
Still, Shinji found himself back at that fateful decision that he had made, the decision to end all human life as we know it. Even if they were not truly "dead," he had still ripped them from their lives, from their happiness, however fleeting it may have been. He had taken something precious from them all, and he could not give it back. No, they had to take it back on their own. That was the next thing that he began to remember. He and Unit01 were the last two beings to be absorbed into Rei/Lilith. Slowly, his ego-border began to fade and he was losing himself in the collective consciousness. He was beginning to feel....whole. Maybe even....happy.
No, wait. This wasn't happy. There was no happiness here. There was nothing here. It was just another trick, another attempt at running away. He could not stay here, he would not be like them. Even if his life was total ass, he wanted to keep going. Being able to feel happiness at the risk of feeling pain, being able to feel something, ANYTHING, was better than feeling nothing at all. This was the other revelation that hit him, that spoke volumes to him. His entire life, he would rather run away and not act than risk making a bad decision. He didn't want to pilot Eva anymore because every time he did, people got hurt. Never mind that if he didn't pilot, everyone would have been hurt. But both running away and choosing to do nothing were still choices in of themselves. Even if he felt like he would cause nothing but pain, it was better to at least TRY to cause something other than pain than to simply let it happen without incident. It was at this realization that his mother spoke to him from within Unit01 and told him that as long as he had the will to live, he could continue to exist as himself.
Yes...yeeessss. Shinji was under no illusions; he was not the Savior of Mankind. He hadn't saved people from themselves, hadn't rescued the world from suffering. Instead, those lies were extinguished in one fell swoop by that single moment of clarity, that moment one experiences when they understand a difficult concept, that feeling of the clouds parting, the elation of finally having everything revealed. Even though he had wronged them all, it was not too late for them. If they really wanted to survive, if they really wanted to take back whatever happiness that they had accumulated, they needed only to be able to imagine themselves and will themselves back into existence. If they ever came back....if any of them had the will to go on, they might not ever forgive him for what he had done to them. No amount of his apologizing would fix the damage that had been caused. But Shinji knew that that would be their right, that he would understand their anger. He also understood something that Misato had said to him as she was rushing him to his Eva.
"God knows I'm not perfect, either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again, thousands of times; a cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time I learned something about myself."
He had made a terrible mistake, yes, but it was HIS mistake. HE had made a choice; even if he was tugged in all the right directions and had all the right buttons pushed, it still came down to what Shinji really wanted. Nobody told him what to do, he decided. And since it was a decision that he now regretted, he would learn from it. Never again would he repeat the mistakes of his past. From now on, he would not sit idly by and take the path of least resistance in order to avoid causing pain. No longer would he be indecisive, he would stand up and make the decision that HE thought was right. And if it wasn't right, then he wouldn't do it again. He'd do it trial-by-error fashion. True, this would cause pain and discomfort, but it could also lead to good things, lead to something better than what he had.
And with that, he asked the illusionary Rei and Kaoru in front of him to reactivate his AT Field and allow him to return to the world.
Third Impact had happened, but with a will to live, a little elbow grease, and some spit-shine, everything would be alright once again.
The memories having completed their story, Shinji became aware of his surroundings again. The sun had now set below the horizon, yet the sky still glowed an eerie red. Perhaps it was the light from the moon that still provided the illumination. Or was the light coming from the red ring? It wasn't important at the moment, at least he could still see. Not knowing how long the lighting would last, he decided to head out and look for some shelter for the evening. Having let his muscles rest for a minute and gain energy back into them, Shinji was able to lift himself to his feet. He wasn't entirely sure how he had gone from inside the entry plug of Unit01 to back down to Earth, but aside from the bruises in his palms he appeared to be relatively unscathed. More than likely, he could thank mother for this good fortune.
"Mother...."
Right, this chapter was dedicated more to sorting out Shinji's thoughts on everything that's happened so far. The next chapter will deal with his conflicted feelings for Asuka.
I really want you guys to hear what I have to say. The reason that I worry that you won't is because I'm a skimmer, and so I don't always read the author's notes. Hypocritical of me, huh?
Right, this is my first fan-fic. Ever. Come to think of it, this is the first thing I've ever written that wasn't required for a class. I generally do not like to read or write, but despite that I have written this anyway, I hope you enjoy. And I understand that everyone has their own opinion and that I am not the world's greatest writer, but I hope you'll go easy on me.
A couple of notes; I finished watching the anime series, and even though I've technically never watched EoE, I know what happens (yeah I know, I've ruined it for myself, boo-friggin-hoo). I have mainly written this piece for my own benefit, to sort out some of my thoughts on Evangelion in general.
That said, I'm trying to at least explore some of the psychological aspects, specifically for Shinji and Asuka. Now I'm no expert on anything, including Evangelion, these are just some things that I thought of as I watched, as well as things that I don't think were really fully addressed or examined.
Shinji may be a little OOC, and for that I apologize. I chalk that up to the shock of having survived Third Impact. You can make your own interpretations, though. That, or berate me for taking him out of character. : )
One final thing; I am ADMITTEDLY an A/S kind of guy (don't worry, that doesn't mean I'm a Rei basher). It's just my opinion that they're cute together and that they work, if only they'd stop bickering. However, I will try hard not to make this into some romantic "and they had many babies and lived happily ever after" deal. In fact, I'm not even necessarily going to pair them up like that when this story is over. Even though I'd like for the guy to get the girl, considering all the hell they've been through I think that that is the farthest thing from both their minds.
Oh, and I'm still working on editing. I can't seem to get the bold and italics in the document manager to transfer over when I save. It will let me put them in when I edit the text right then and there, but when I hit the save button it doesn't transfer over. Weird. Also, even though the story is published I have re-submitted chapters a couple of times already. It's mostly just fixing typos, but some of it is also re-wording; scratched out a sentence I later didn't like, tried to use a different or more appropriate adjective, changed a sentence because I thought it didn't convey the idea correctly, that kinda thing. Nothing plot-wise or anything like that has been altered; there have been absolutely NO radical changes.
Okay, read and let me know what you think. I've only done the first 3 chapters thus far. If you like what I've got, I'll try to come up with more. I have some ideas for what I want to happen, but the story isn't actually finished. If this thing gets popular enough, I'll try to churn out another chapter every week or so. No promises, though. I suck at college as it is. : )
Coming to an Understanding
1. A Prologue of Sorts
Slowly regaining his consciousness, he noticed that darkness surrounded him. He could feel nothing. Do nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The dark void seemed to engulf him as if it was all that remained of his petty existence. For a moment, it felt....familiar. Almost comforting. As if emptiness was his constant companion. Yes, that's right. He was no stranger to this sensation of....
It was all coming back to him now. The constant self-imposed isolation for fear of rejection and pain. The continuous need for his solitude because no one understood him. The near-obsession with self-pity because nobody cared about him anyway. The instinctual act of running away, running from additional pain, running from his own inadequacy, running from the accusing stares of those he had failed time and time again. Running without a care as to the destination, only that it was away.
All of that had aided in building up to the exciting climax, that magnificent event known as Third Impact. The world was now frighteningly tranquil. Every last human being had their AT Fields, the protective barrier of every soul that demarcated a border which no one must traverse, the very thing that protected them from the pain caused by others but paradoxically caused more pain by preventing the ability to connect with others, rendered completely useless, any sense of self and identity washed way along with that inhibition of connection. People ceased to be aware of themselves and, in essence, were simply....aware. They ceased to be and simply...were. There was no pain, no happiness, nothing. He inwardly grinned at the irony that their respective situations were similar in that there was nothing. Similar. But not the same.
He was now all that remained of humanity. Him, and his emptiness. A world that was also without fear of rejection, but paid for at a different price altogether. The price HE had paid, willingly, without someone telling him to do so. It was important that this much be understood, though at the moment he could not remember what it was or why it mattered. Even so, he had finally located the peace of mind he had both longed for and, secretly, felt entitled to. With no one remaining to judge him, no expectations to uphold, he could now be truly happy with himself. He had at last achieved true peace.
Or had he? Was this what he really wanted? To be utterly and helplessly alone? How the hell did he know what had happened to everyone else and that he was the only one left? Was he really that depressed, immature and whiny? What's he doing here, anyway?
His consciousness asserting more of itself, his body began to return to him. Though that eternal portion of his self wanted to bask in the darkness of his own depths for the remainder of all time, his physical, mortal coil screamed at him with other needs. First and foremost, his mind painfully, slowly, but greedily took in the new information that mercilessly attacked his senses, ravenous for something new to process, taking time to reactivate and catalogue that which they were collecting one at a time until all five of them could behave in concert again. Common sense returning to him, he at last came to the conclusion that the reason it was dark was because his eyelids were shut. Mentally scolding himself at the brief episode of stupidity, he now opened his eyes, almost instantly regretting the action.
Red. Almost nothing but red surrounded him, it's sickening color assaulting his blue orbs. The entire sky was painted in hues of red, a combination of the setting sun and the disturbing blood-red belt that now encircled the earth. Wait, not just red....black? Yes, there was what appeared to be a black circle in the sky off to his left. That could not possibly be the moon, the moon he knew was...White. That was the next color to be added to his pallet and registered in his mind, his pair of moist occipital spheres telling him that a larger, but nonetheless round object was advertising itself off to his right. Aah, THAT was the moon his brain had tucked away somewhere in the billions of neural connections that formed the biological basis for his awareness. But when did that second, smaller moon appear?
Trying not to push himself too hard lest he end up hurting his brain, he instead chose to invest his attention span on the rest of his senses. Now his hearing began to report back for duty. Deciding that seeing the bleeding heavens was enough for his eyes for the moment, he now chose to focus on what his ears had to tell him. Only one sound made itself known to the world. Or to him, at least. It was a slow, rhythmic pulse. Soft, low sounds of water flowing and lapping on itself, proving to be very soothing. It certainly beat gazing up at that hideous red sky and its latest celestial accessory. Somewhere in the back of his mind, an alert cried out that it was rather odd that this was the only sound that could currently be detected, but he was not yet ready to deal with such matters. First he wanted to learn the nature of that calming oscillation. .....hmmmmm. Obviously he must be close to a body of water. Perhaps he had somehow washed up on a beach?
That seemed to be in agreement with what his sense of touch was now revealing. The sense that covered his entire body like a glove appeared to say that he was on his back, the rear of his skull forcing his face to be parallel with the sky, which would certainly explain his less-than-appealing view at the moment. Not detecting anything useful through his clothing, the bare skin on his hands and lower arms analyzed the surface. It felt gritty, but soft. Sand. Of course! He MUST be on a beach. Was this some kind of reward for his role in ridding humanity of its miserable existence? The rest of his natural life-span to be occupied by taking up residence near an ocean? It wouldn't do him much good, seeing as he could not swim, and the atmospheric scenery was not prime choice, but he could hardly care, given the serenity of those salty waves.
What the hell? The smell contained not a single trace of saltiness within it. That's odd, this smelled more like
"Blood."
Barely successful in convincing his tendons and muscles that he was still in charge, he willed his lazily idle arms out of their slumbering state and pushed his torso up into an upright position. He looked down at the white sands. Seemed normal enough, but then again it was just sand. He had already seen white, anyway, this was boring him. He needed to put something new into his reservoir of experience. But the new object of his attention denied his wish, for this color was also already stored away in his experience. This wasn't right. An ocean was supposed to be blue, not red. It should be accompanied by a salty sea breeze, not the revolting smell of vital bodily fluid.
Finally noticing it, he winced only slightly at the pain. It was coming from both of his palms. He lifted both of them to his view, observing them critically to determine the source of the distress. Except for what appeared to be some minor bruising, his hands seemed to be perfectly fine. Yet somehow he had been expecting the wounds to be much more serious. He had this feeling (was it a feeling, or a memory?) that something had actually pierced his hands.
The memories of the events before his waking up here were almost ready to begin their cascade through his psyche, they just needed to be pushed little bit further. So far he could see that this was not an ocean, but instead it was a very, very large lake. It was wide enough in diameter that he had difficulty making out the shoreline directly across from his side. Actually, his view of the other side of the lake was currently being impeded by what could only be described as a giant black stone that seemed to be in the shape of a head.
No, not just a head, there was a face on that head as well! And not just any face, but a face that he knew all too well, somewhere in the back of his mind. It was the face of death.... SHE was death. And the red water was her blood, the very same blood that was the LCL that he would breathe in when he used to...pilot? LCL? He breathed blood? He...piloted something that he always complained smelled like blood? But this was not just any blood, now. It was HER blood.
"Rei...Lilith....Rei?"
Those two names were hesitant to leave his tongue, and he wasn't still completely up to speed as to what they meant to him. Surrounding this giant bust was a series of white beings whose arms were spread wide open as if they had been crucified and then damned to occupy the remainder of infinity out in the crimson waters. The feature of the white beings that struck the largest chord with him was what appeared to be a teeth-bearing grin on each of their hound-like snouts. They were grinning horribly, the grin of a madman who pondered nothing but perverted, mischievous thoughts ever day of his demented life. Those daggers that were their teeth did nothing to alleviate the feeling of his blood curdling, either.
If you were to see his face at that moment, it would have been a blend of horror, disgust, remorse, and awe. His eyes were wide and his jaw was hanging low, but then the memories of what had led up to all of this came back to haunt him, leaving him absolutely no room to take shelter from their cruel beating. The images, sounds, thoughts, feelings, rushed him, giving him no time to process it all.
In the span of only a mere few moments, Shinji Ikari, a very reserved and shy Japanese male of 14 with dark blue eyes which spoke of infinite sadness, a posture that spoke of little self-confidence, and moppy dark brown hair that simply said he needed a haircut, sitting on the white sand in plain black pants, plain white sneakers, and a navy-blue undershirt covered by a plain short-sleeved button-up white shirt, the third child selected to pilot the creatures known as the Evangelions against the exotic titans known as the Angels, had run through what seemed like almost two days worth of activity.
Death.
Geo Front.
NERV.
Father.
BASTARD! I HATE YOU!!!
Run away.
Depression.
Hospital.
I'm so fucked up!
Run away.
Everyone can just die.
The final Angel.
Instrumentality.
SEELE.
Human Contemplation Project.
Run away.
"Quit acting like a spoiled brat! Like it or not, you're still alive. Get moving and DO something! You can die later!"
"That was a very grown-up kiss, Shinji. We'll do the rest when you get back."
Tastes like blood.
Death.
Run away.
Eva.
Bakelite.
I...I can't. I'm no good. I can't pilot EVA if all I do is hurt and kill people.
Run away.
"Damn they're persistent! Of course, that idiot Shinji is nowhere to be found!"
A scream that makes my skin crawl.
Eva Unit 01 moves on its own......again.
Unit Two's remains are on the ground and in their mouths.
....Asuka!
ASUKAAAAAA!!!!!!
Rage.
I'll kill you! I'll Kill you!! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!!
White Evas holding giant deadly sticks and even deadlier grins.
AAAGGH!!! MY HANDS!
High above in lower earth orbit.
Rei?
LILITH?!
Run away.
Kaoru!
I'm in a park, building a pyramid?
"You never understood anything."
I thought it was supposed to be a world without unpleasantness...without uncertainty.
"Because you assumed everyone was like you."
Betrayed! You betrayed my feelings!
"You misunderstood from the start. You assumed without asking."
Nobody cares whether I live or die. Nothing will change...so everyone can just die!
The world would be better if I wasn't here. So I should just die too...
"Then why are you here?"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Run away.
I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away! I mustn't run away!
Hot coffee on my lap and glass shards embedded in my arms.
DIE, BITCH!!!
Run away.
"This is the sea of LCL. That is the sea of the origin of life. This is the world without AT Fields, and therefore, without your own shape. You can't tell the difference between one person or another. An ambiguous world. Everything is yourself, and also, everything is not yourself. A dead world."
This isn't quite what I had hoped for.
"If you hope that other people exist again, your heart will separate everyone once more. You will be frightened of other people, again."
It doesn't matter. Thank you.
"So you have to use your own strength to get your lost self back. Even if you lose your own language, you have to import other peoples' languages."
Mother.
"Don't worry, darling. All living creatures have the power to be brought back to life, and the will to go on living. Anywhere can be paradise, as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive--so you will always have the chance to be happy."
Good bye...mother.
Shinji knew that he could not stop the flow of memories, so he just let them continue on. He wanted to remember anyway. To not remember how all of this had come to be, to simply forget the sacrifices that were made, to forget the promise he made to his mother, who had protected him inside his Eva all this time, would make a mockery of it all. No, he would not run from the pain anymore; he NEEDED the pain. He needed to remember, to have some kind of reference. Even though he found the respite he had always wanted, he had also found the strength to keep on living in the real world and bear the pain that came with the pleasure of that respite, whereas everyone else simply wallowed in what amounted to nothing more than an illusion of happiness. It would be a very solitary respite, however, but it mattered not. He would miss his mother very dearly, but he was just glad to have gotten to be with her one last time before she and Eva Unit01 headed off into the vast, uncharted reaches of space, their destination not Earth-bound by any means. He was used to being alone anyway, and with nobody left to pass judgment over his actions, with no one left to rely upon their perception of him to determine his identity, Shinji made no deliberate effort to block out the pain that he was remembering.
It was all coming back to him now. The black moon in the sky....Lilith's Egg, he believed it was called. It was formerly the Geo Front, that giant hollow sphere that rested beneath the streets of the fortress-city Tokyo-3. It had been the location of NERV, the organization that was charged with the task of protecting humanity from the Angels, the other-worldly beings who, for whatever reason, were bent on ridding the world of Humanity. Now it was in orbit around the earth, its task of calling forth all human souls to Lilith having been completed. Maybe fate decided to leave it as a souvenir. And Lilith, the Angel who was quite literally the mother of all humanity, the Lilum.
'How fucked up is that,' he thought silently, not that he really expected anyone to answer the question, 'that the enemy we were fighting was really....just like us. And then, in the end of it all, we had to fight off other people to stop Third Impact. This entire time we've pretty much been fighting ourselves. If God really is in his heaven, he's sure as hell laughing his ass off at us now.' Shinji had bowed his head to look down at his feet as he was talking to himself, pointing his awareness away from the post-apocalyptic landscape and towards the events of today.
Everything he had fought for, the fifteen other Angels that he had a hand in killing all so that they would not be able to initiate Third Impact and actually kill off humanity, all the people who needlessly suffered because he didn't do his job right the first time, his being a constant burden on his mauve-haired drunken guardian, commanding officer, and surrogate mother, Major Misato Katsuragi, the maiming of one of his best friends, schoolmates, and brief coworker, the tough yet compassionate Touji Suzahara, his attraction and caring for his two female coworkers and fellow pilots, the hot-headed German red-haired Asuka Langley Sohryou and the albino light blue-haired Japanese puzzle Rei Ayanami, his synch training with Asuka, his rescuing her from the volcano after the eighth Angel, his inability to save Asuka from the fifteenth Angel's mind probe, his failure to save her from herself and her subsequent depression and coma, Rei's selfless sacrifice to save him, his betrayal at the hands of the only person who understood him, Kaoru Nagisa, who was really the seventeenth Angel, only to save humanity by refusing to fulfill his mission and allowing himself to be killed, Shinji squeezing the life out of Kaoru with his Eva's right hand until he exploded in a vulgar display of organs and blood, his hatred for piloting the mechanical beasts known as the Evangelions but dealing with it anyway because that's the only thing that would make people accept him, his drive to be accepted by his father, even though he hated him and would now gladly kill the old man.
All of it was completely and instantly rendered null and void because of some grumpy old geezers calling themselves SEELE who were worried about the next evolutionary of man. What a load of horse shit.
He wasn't sure how he knew, perhaps he had been made privy to one of the SEELE member's memories as he was absorbed into Instrumentality, but he soon somehow possessed the knowledge that he had played right into SEELE's hands. They were counting on him to head out in Eva Unit01, it had something to do with his Eva being a direct clone of Lilith. He thought back to that one time that Dr. Ritsuko Akagi had shown both him and Misato the "Eva graveyard," the depository for all the failed attempts at trying to clone the first Angel, Adam. That was also when he learned the horrific truth about Rei; the Rei he knew was simply one of many clones, an abomination of science created by the mixing of both human and Lilith's DNA. The clones were just empty vessels for the storing of what was really a piece of Lilith's soul, while the empty clones were what formed the basis of the auto-piloting system in the Evas, the dummy-plug system. She was a perversion of his mother, as it was her DNA that was the basis for Rei's human half.
Shinji felt flooded with guilt at having thought that way of her. It wasn't Rei's fault; she never had any say in her genetics, anymore than he could choose to be his father's son. And, at the very least, he now understood the connection that he felt to her. She was partly his mother and, in a way, that made her his sister. He also understood why she felt replaceable, her constant willingness to be put in the most dangerous situations. It wasn't because she was depressed or because she had no self-worth, she really was, quite literally, replaceable. But the Rei that he had developed this bond with, Rei II, was killed, her memories not fully transferring over to Rei III. This latest Rei did not remember Shinji nor did she seem to appreciate what her predecessor had gained. No, the Rei that Shinji knew was NOT replaceable. That was the Rei he would always remember, not this....thing....that was now slowly sinking into the lake of LCL.
He also knew that his own fath... no, the right hand of Lucifer did not deserve the title of father. He did not even deserve the surname "Ikari," as that was actually his mother's surname. The Supreme Commander of NERV, Gendo Rukabungi, who's cold, uncaring personality was matched only by the stare that he gave people, the kind of stare that made one feel like their bare soul had just been vivisected, had also planned on using him and his Eva to start Third Impact, only it would be a slightly altered version. In the back of his mind, Shinji somehow pulled up the information that he had done it in order to be reunited with Shinji's mother, who had disappeared under mysterious circumstances while testing Unit01 (this, of course, was due to the fact that she had been absorbed into the Eva, which is why she was with her son in Unit01 during Third Impact). For only a moment, Shinji could sympathize with the Commander, and for an even briefer moment, he felt that he understood. Gendo had lost something important to him, and so he simply shut himself off from everyone else, including Shinji.
In spite of all of that, however, that did not excuse Gendo's abandoning of Shinji, nor did it excuse his constant manipulation of his family and "friends." This was a person who had committed the unbearable act of having treated him like a tool, a cog in the machine that was identical to every other cog, and therefore if he ceased to be of use he was very easy to replace. For a while it had sufficed, because all Shinji ever wanted was to be accepted and needed, but later he realized that he didn't just want to be needed, he wanted to be wanted as well. With things as they were, Gendo would never be able to do that, and Shinji did not think it possible that even he could forgive Gendo for this. As stated, that moment of understanding was very brief, if it truly existed at all. Shinji brushed the thought aside like it was rubble that was obstructing his way.
Anyway, he had been positioned right where SEELE had wanted him. The nine towering beings of white, the Mass Production Evas, whose jagged tooth-filled grins filled his being with previously undiscovered levels of terror, were built not only to assault the Geo Front and NERV, but also to restrain Unit01 so that Third Impact could begin. The ethereal giant that was Rei/Lilith then appeared before him and gave him, of all people, the choice as to whether Third Impact would occur. Half-depressed, half-crazed, and still in a fit of rage over having allowed Misato and Asuka to die for him above all others, Shinji decided that nobody mattered or cared and that they could all just die. This had been, of course, what SEELE had wanted in the first place; they wanted him to be depressed, they wanted him to be suicidal and apathetic. He had to be broken, had to be molded to their exact specifications, or else he would reject everything for which SEELE had sacrificed so much and strived. It had to be him, because he was the only person in the world that Unit01, the purple giant with a single spike standing erect out of its head casing like it was a one-horned demon, would synch with. So HE had to bend according to their will, behave perfectly, if their plan to unite all humans in Instrumentality was to succeed.
And behaved like a good little tool he did. That was what got under Shinji's skin the most; the fact that he had been used again, that he had ALLOWED himself to be used. He could blame the decision on SEELE's manipulation, blame it on the fact that he wasn't thinking straight, blame it on his depression and frustration with the rest of the world. In the end, however, it had still been Shinji's choice to make. Choice, as in free will, that there was more than one option, maybe even a way out.
Even if he really believed that everyone else deserved to die, it still wasn't his decision to make. He had basically committed what amounted to genocide. Fine, SEELE and its members wanted to give up all rights to existence in exchange for unity, but what about the rest of the world? Maybe there were some who were not ready to join yet, if ever at all. Did any of them ask him to pick for them? Perhaps, just like Shinji, there were those who, on the one hand, sought human connection, but at the same time feared it because they were afraid of the risks, afraid to feel pain. Still, who said that this was what was best for everyone? Shinji could only imagine the horror that would go through someone's mind in their last moments as their souls were ripped from their bodies, their thoughts and dreams exposed for everyone else to see with no chance to cover it up. As their sense of self dissolved away, though, emotions would dissolve away as well. People would no longer be afraid to show themselves as they really were, not that they could do otherwise anyway.
People could share their memories and experiences unhindered, allowing for understanding that was so profound that it did not need to be conveyed through words, hyperboles, sarcasm, jokes, actions, or anything at all. One simply had to....to be. It could be considered the Hindu Brahmin's dream come true.
But that was just it; all that would be left would be the memories. There would be no emotions, no feelings attached to it. Two people might discover that they've secretly pined for each other for the longest time, but it would have no meaning to either party. They would simply become aware of it and leave it at that. "They" wouldn't even exist anymore, thus negating the whole thing. Even if happiness still managed to exist, though, pain and fear would still not exist. If everything is perfect all the time, if there is no unhappiness, can it be said that happiness exists? You cannot truly say that you are happy because you have nothing with which to compare it. You cannot say that you are sad if you've never been anything but sad. This was the realization that Shinji came to during the time that he was within Instrumentality.
Instrumentality. A state of existence that was suppose to be filled with only happiness because humanity was finally melded together without the self-imposed borders and facades to keep pushing others away. Because everyone could finally understand each other without fear of misinterpretation, it was suppose to be an ideal utopia, a place where one would know only pleasure and never pain. Shinji had previously thought that he had been stuck in the opposite situation; for almost his entire life, he felt like he never, ever knew a single moment of happiness, that pain and suffering was all he could ever hope to know. But it simply wasn't true. He had found happiness being invited into Misato's home, in getting Rei to smile after the destruction of the fifth angel, in hearing Gendo's words of praise that one time, in those moments when Asuka wasn't yelling at him, in having met and befriended Touji and Kensuke Aida, and in having found his mother after so many years.
Even if he had let them all down and then lost them all, even if he hated Misato for being drunken slob the time and for teasing him to no avail, even if he hated how Touji and Kensuke could be jackasses sometimes, even if he felt frustrated with Asuka to the point of just giving up on her, how she would never respect him as a friend or even as a human being, that he now wanted to choke the life out of that self-centered, ungrateful spoiled brat for rejecting him time after time, how the least she could do was give him some explanation as to her irrational abhorrence of him, he still managed to find happiness in the time that he knew them all. Though this was only a small amount of happiness given the scale of his lifetime, the pain and loneliness that he had suffered the rest of the time had actually increased its value for him. Because he had suffered, his happiness had meaning to him. Its effects on him were amplified because he had never known it before.
Still, Shinji found himself back at that fateful decision that he had made, the decision to end all human life as we know it. Even if they were not truly "dead," he had still ripped them from their lives, from their happiness, however fleeting it may have been. He had taken something precious from them all, and he could not give it back. No, they had to take it back on their own. That was the next thing that he began to remember. He and Unit01 were the last two beings to be absorbed into Rei/Lilith. Slowly, his ego-border began to fade and he was losing himself in the collective consciousness. He was beginning to feel....whole. Maybe even....happy.
No, wait. This wasn't happy. There was no happiness here. There was nothing here. It was just another trick, another attempt at running away. He could not stay here, he would not be like them. Even if his life was total ass, he wanted to keep going. Being able to feel happiness at the risk of feeling pain, being able to feel something, ANYTHING, was better than feeling nothing at all. This was the other revelation that hit him, that spoke volumes to him. His entire life, he would rather run away and not act than risk making a bad decision. He didn't want to pilot Eva anymore because every time he did, people got hurt. Never mind that if he didn't pilot, everyone would have been hurt. But both running away and choosing to do nothing were still choices in of themselves. Even if he felt like he would cause nothing but pain, it was better to at least TRY to cause something other than pain than to simply let it happen without incident. It was at this realization that his mother spoke to him from within Unit01 and told him that as long as he had the will to live, he could continue to exist as himself.
Yes...yeeessss. Shinji was under no illusions; he was not the Savior of Mankind. He hadn't saved people from themselves, hadn't rescued the world from suffering. Instead, those lies were extinguished in one fell swoop by that single moment of clarity, that moment one experiences when they understand a difficult concept, that feeling of the clouds parting, the elation of finally having everything revealed. Even though he had wronged them all, it was not too late for them. If they really wanted to survive, if they really wanted to take back whatever happiness that they had accumulated, they needed only to be able to imagine themselves and will themselves back into existence. If they ever came back....if any of them had the will to go on, they might not ever forgive him for what he had done to them. No amount of his apologizing would fix the damage that had been caused. But Shinji knew that that would be their right, that he would understand their anger. He also understood something that Misato had said to him as she was rushing him to his Eva.
"God knows I'm not perfect, either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again, thousands of times; a cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time I learned something about myself."
He had made a terrible mistake, yes, but it was HIS mistake. HE had made a choice; even if he was tugged in all the right directions and had all the right buttons pushed, it still came down to what Shinji really wanted. Nobody told him what to do, he decided. And since it was a decision that he now regretted, he would learn from it. Never again would he repeat the mistakes of his past. From now on, he would not sit idly by and take the path of least resistance in order to avoid causing pain. No longer would he be indecisive, he would stand up and make the decision that HE thought was right. And if it wasn't right, then he wouldn't do it again. He'd do it trial-by-error fashion. True, this would cause pain and discomfort, but it could also lead to good things, lead to something better than what he had.
And with that, he asked the illusionary Rei and Kaoru in front of him to reactivate his AT Field and allow him to return to the world.
Third Impact had happened, but with a will to live, a little elbow grease, and some spit-shine, everything would be alright once again.
The memories having completed their story, Shinji became aware of his surroundings again. The sun had now set below the horizon, yet the sky still glowed an eerie red. Perhaps it was the light from the moon that still provided the illumination. Or was the light coming from the red ring? It wasn't important at the moment, at least he could still see. Not knowing how long the lighting would last, he decided to head out and look for some shelter for the evening. Having let his muscles rest for a minute and gain energy back into them, Shinji was able to lift himself to his feet. He wasn't entirely sure how he had gone from inside the entry plug of Unit01 to back down to Earth, but aside from the bruises in his palms he appeared to be relatively unscathed. More than likely, he could thank mother for this good fortune.
"Mother...."
Right, this chapter was dedicated more to sorting out Shinji's thoughts on everything that's happened so far. The next chapter will deal with his conflicted feelings for Asuka.