"Greetings, everyone. I'm Captain Tenneal.

Do you find your life aimless?

Staid? Stagnating? Boring, even?

Think it'll always be this way until death finally releases you?

Well, you're wrong.

If, and only if, you purchase a copy of my new book:

"The Captain's Daily Affirmations".

Featuring a daily dose of wise words on one side,

and a quick photo op of me (The Captain) putting them to work on the other!

It'll teach you how to grab life by the horns and put hair on your chest!

Unless you're a woman. Then that's just plain wrong.

Oh, and don't forget, you can also pick up a copy of my autobiography, "Well, You're Wrong", for even more life-saving advice.

So this is Captain Tenneal saying: Buy my books!"

And yes! YES! It's the final performance of that same commercial for the latest, greatest SpikeTV show! And you're just about ready to go postal and annihilate everyone on that selfsame show if the station shows that same stinkin' commercial one more time! ARRGHHHH!!

"Allow me, the Humble Announcer, to welcome you back on MXC! It's the last stand for the villains as our final game begins! Will it be Game Over for the bad guys or will they just hit the Reset button? Let's find out!"

With the hosts' booth fading in once more, Kenny held his microphone box to his ear. "Hey, Vic!" he beamed, "I can hear the seashore!"

"Kenny!" Vic snapped, "You didn't replace that thing again?!"

Kenny looked hurt. "But, Vic, you told me to stop using my brain. So I figured I'd have to wait." He smiled broadly once again and slapped his knee. "Good thinking, huh? I mean not-thinking."

Vic ignored his cohost (more or less) to mutter to himself, "It's okay, just a few more minutes of air time, I can deal with it...Okay!!" The quietly handsome host straightened up and squared his shoulders. "Here we are at the final round! It's time for Nintendo's best and worst to go up against the ultimate Elimination Game!"

Kenny helpfully provided a drum-roll sound effect with his mouth.

Vic finished, "None other than: Log Drop!!"

Kenny added, "Dun-dun-dunnn!!" as ominously as he could.

Indicating the monitor, Vic helpfully explained, "As any fool can plainly see, Log Drop consists of eight big, thick, round logs suspended in a row over yet another pool of semi-hardened bird droppings. The contestants must do their best lumberjack impressions to make it across each and every log to safety on the far side."

"I can plainly see that," Kenny pointed out.

"Ah, yes, Kenny," Vic swatted with the paper fan, "But you're not just any fool, you know."

"I know," Kenny grinned in an empty-headed fashion, "Thank you."

"You're always welcome in my book, Kenny. Let's go to The Captain!"

A very cheerful young redhead had joined The Captain at the starting point. Her smile was nearly as dazzling as her yellow crop top. She paused to hitch up her blue shorts, despite her suspenders, and nodded firmly at Captain Tenneal that she was ready.

Vic read his cue cards, "And this nice young lady is Misty Williams, Water-Type Pokèmon Trainer extraordinarè."

"Ha! Nice young lady!" Kenny's knee-slap resounded across the booth, "That's a catch phrase meaning she hasn't got boobs. Like saying she's got a wonderful personality."

Vic reminded Kenny sternly, "There's more to a woman than just her bust size, Kenny."

Kenny sobered, "Yeah, that's true."

"Indeed," Vic agreed.

Then Kenny added, "Hopefully she's got a nice butt too. But this skinny chick doesn't have that either."

"She's only thirteen, Kenny. There's only one word for too much of that kind of talk around such a young woman: jailbait. I suggest you focus on the game," Vic sternly chided.

Meanwhile, The Captain had been politely but firmly arguing with Misty. She protested, "But I don't have any other clothes with me, sir!"

"A young lady should not be in such a state of undress. You'll catch your death of cold," The Captain insisted. Suddenly he brightened. "Here, take my coat."

"Really?" Misty chirped, wide-eyed. A little bit of blush colored her cheeks.

"Certainly," The Captain assured her as he shrugged himself free of his outerwear. The Captain's undershirt was black and clung to his muscles slightly in a rather appealing fashion. Misty found herself staring at the much larger man as he gently helped her into the suit's coat. She finally managed to murmur, "Thank you," quietly to him as she blushed down to the tips of her toes.

"Of course," The Captain's smile was warm but polite, "Now let's go!"

On the other side of the video feed, Vic chimed in with, "And we're off! She's bounding across the logs with ease. Looks like although this young miss may miss in the cheesecake department, she does have legs and she knows how to use 'em, right Kenny?"

"Whoa—yeah! She's ruling that course!" Kenny was obviously impressed despite himself. Then his face screwed up in horror. "But she's tripped!" Kenny hollered, "Look at her straddle that log! Only thirteen, huh? I'd say she's an old pro at this! Maybe that Ash kid is pretty lucky after all!"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Kenny!!" Vic roared, "Just as Misty has gotten herself out of that jam and—oh no! She's lost her regained footing and done a header into the pool! So much for The Captain's jacket, too."

"Aw, man," Kenny grumbled, "'Cause of that stupid jacket, I can't see her wet t-shirt."

"Kenny, don't make me hurt you."

"Sorry."

Vic continued to regard Kenny sternly for a moment. Finally satisfied that Kenny was actually contrite for once, Vic admitted, "That's better. Okay, here for the villains is the other half of Team Rocket's most well-known duo, James Morgan!"

The blue-haired youth in the white Team Rocket uniform was busily applying some make-up to his face with the aid of his hand mirror. It didn't do much to cover the black eye and fingernail / claw scratches that Jesse had recently given him. The Captain finally got James' attention by offering a little poke in the side with his pirate's rapier. "Oh, so sorry," James gushed, "But I do want to look my best for my legions of fans."

"That's nice," The Captain laughed, "Now let's go, pretty boy!"

"Yessir!" James saluted and bounded into action.

Upstairs, Vic reminded, "And this is the villain team's big chance to catch up! Will he make it?"

"Look like this guy's a little light in his loafers, Vic," Kenny pointed out.

"Indeed, perhaps an unfair advantage," Vic admitted, "Because he seems to be sailing over those logs."

"Maybe he's just high on life, Vic," Kenny wondered aloud.

"Regardless of the reasons, Kenny, it seems that James has literally made his point and racked up a tie of 6 to 6. Let's go to Gùy and see what this happy-go-lucky victor has to say!"

Gùy had cleaned up well (albeit hurriedly) from his mud bath before. Nevertheless, he was regarding the contestant with a very cold stare, and from a good distance, too. "Well, well," Gùy almost snarled, "I'm sure you think you're Mr. Smarty-Shorts for winning at Log Drop, don't you?"

James corrected him with a tut-tut noise and the wave of a finger. "Ah-ah, my good man. I'm wearing pants, not shorts."

"Hmm," Gùy responded, his expression not changing one iota, "I'll have you know that there's only room for one of us on this show."

"One what? Why, whatever do you mean?" James quizzed.

"Well, your door swings both ways, doesn't it?" Gùy looked a little quizzical himself.

James drew himself up in shocked outrage. "No, it certainly does not! It's just---it's just--!!" The young man fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands as the tears started to flow freely. "It's Jesse! She's completely emasculated my manhood! I can prove it—she keeps them in a little metal tin in her hair somewhere! I don't understand, I wear the pants, she wears the skirt...yet I suffer the ultimate in henpecking every day—and we're not even married!" He managed to break off his crying jag to look up momentarily, wide-eyed, as he finished, "I'm so confused!!"

"Oh!" Gùy said with wonder, "You did seem somewhat lighter than most men as you pranced over the logs. How terrible! Come with Gùy, I will help straighten you out (so to speak). Ah-hah-hah-hah!"

As Gùy gently lead James away with a supporting arm on his shoulder, Kenny remarked, "That's gonna work. Yeah, right."

"Amen, Kenny," Vic chortled lightly, "A clear-cut case of the blind leading the blind. But that's none of our business. Now it's the heroes' turn. Will they pull ahead once more or will the tie remain? Let's find out!"

Up on the starting platform, Samus Aran was regarding The Captain with a little smile visible through her helmet's visor. "You know," she observed wryly, "Usually it's me who's stripping for the audience. Once the player earns the best endings in the game, anyway." Gently she laid her hand against his chest. "Not that I'm complaining," she continued softly.

"Nor am I," The Captain warmly assured Samus, "but we still have a job to do. Let's go!"

As Samus launched herself into action across the Log Drop, Vic launched into his narrative simultaneously. "So she's off! Look at her go! What style, what grace!"

"What a butch chick!" Kenny complained, "She's, like, the poster girl for steroid abuse. And why's she got that armor on, anyway?"

"That's not just armor," Vic assured his coworker, "Samus' Power Suit is also a spacesuit that protects her from hostile alien planetary environments."

"Spacesuit?" Kenny's face lit up with evil glee. "Did you say spacesuit? So she comes from outer space?"

"Yes," Vic drawled warningly, "Why, Kenny?"

Still grinning maliciously, Kenny laughed, "That means she's an ass-tronaut! Get it, Vic? Ass-tronaut?"

Vic groaned, "I get it, Kenny."

"Ha-ha! Ass-tronaut!" Kenny paused to study Samus critically as she finished scoring a point for her team. "Hey," he continued, "I thought space chicks were really built like on Star Trek. She doesn't look like much of an of an ass-tronaut to me. She ain't got no hips, she ain't got no ass-"

With the aid of her suit's Speed Booster upgrade, Samus flashed across the arena, through the host's booth, smashed Kenny flat on his ass-tronaut, and returned to the winner's circle before anybody could finish reading this sentence.

Vic regarded Kenny's upturned legs with grim bemusement. "You know, Kenny, something just occurred to me," he said with all the cheerfulness in the world, "I think your malfunctioning microphone means Ms. Aran's suit can pick up your transmissions. She could hear everything you've said."

"Huh? Wha?" Kenny moaned as he sat up, holding the side of his face. It was already starting to swell up. He pulled his hand free for a second, requesting, "Hey, Vic, am I bleeding?"

"That's very impressive," Vic observed, "I can see a perfect imprint of Ms. Aran's fist imbedded in your face, Kenny."

"Really? Wow! I'll never wash my face again!" Kenny's eyes got all dreamy from wistfulness and plain shock alike.

Vic responded, "Don't you mean you'll never get facial reconstruction surgery instead, my friend?"

Kenny ignored the comment as he continued moaning, "Man, that James dude should borrow a spare set of balls from Samus. She's got plenty to go around."

"Indeed," Vic agreed, "and her gumption has combined with her skill to put the heroes ahead in a score of 7 to 6. But here's her archrival, the SA-X, which should be able to tie things up if anybody could."

Kenny looked perplexed. Which is to say that he looked quite normal. "Why do you keep saying it like that about her, Vic? You know, thing?"

"It's an in-joke, Kenny," Vic reassured, "Just watch the action."

"Okay," Kenny agreed and proceeded to stare emptily at the monitors. Vic had to reach over and gently wipe the unnoticed blood and snotty drainage from Kenny's wounds clean with a handkerchief.

It seemed that The Captain had been arguing with the SA-X in the meantime. The doppelganger had her helmet off, which only heightened the effect of her eyes lacking pupils or irises. She was grinning sappily at The Captain and making kiss-kiss faces as she toyed one-handed with his undershirt strap.

The Captain had strategically placed the big broadsword between them, but it didn't seem to be helping much. Now he pulled the rapier and the long sword from his belt; one in each hand. "Hey, hey! Back off, toots!" The Captain commanded with all the authority he could muster.

For her part, the SA-X merely slid her gun port off to clunk onto the platform unnoticed. She grabbed The Captain's other shoulder with the hand thus revealed and pulled him into a long, passionate liplock. The Captain's eyes bulged and his arms waved frantically, but he couldn't quite bring himself to either drop his weapons or actually cut the creature.

Finally, she let him go for some air. Gazing passionately into his eyes with her own (or trying to, at least,) the SA-X breathed huskily, "Now let's get married."

Swiftly The Captain tucked both swords back in his belt.

Then he turned to the Log Drop.

Scooping up the broadsword one-handed and holding his crown on with the other, Captain Tenneal began bounding across the logs for all he was worth. "For God's sake, help me, somebody! Anybody! Gùy, where are you?!"

In the throes of passion, the SA-X launched into enthusiastic pursuit. Mutual inspiration kept both pursuer and pursed on their feet across the logs and disappearing from the camera's view off to the side. But even as they made their trip, another Speed Booster flash went by to defend her man. Soon the sounds of off-camera explosions were shaking every camera tripod and microphone in sight.

The hosts had been watching these events with mutual jaw-dropping wonder. Now Kenny was alight with indignation. "Cut over there! Get me some footage, now! C'mon! We can't miss the ultimate chickfight!"

"I'm afraid we will, Ken," Vic admitted sadly, "None of our camera operators seem to want to go near that disturbance. I can't say as I blame them, either."

For a moment, Kenny forgot the pain in his swollen cheek and eye. Until he tried to prop his face up with his hand on that side, however. "Ouch!" he yelped, then settled into a crossed-arm funk. "Buncha wimps. That footage would be gold, I tell ya! Gold! I could sell it on the Internet for a fortune! It'd be better than all those illegal sex parody comic books of Metroid out there already!"

"Nevertheless, Kenny," Vic said in a clear attempt to get things back on track, "The SA-X has successfully completed the Log Drop and our score returns to a tie status, 7 to 7."

"What about The Captain?" Kenny demanded, "Which team does his point count for?"

Vic sighed, "The Captain is part of the show's staff, Kenny. He's neutral."

"Really?" Kenny looked genuinely surprised. "So he could use a spare pair too? I wonder why that SA-X chick-thingie was so hot for him then."

"Kenny!" The paper fan swung again. "Our coworker is neutral, not neutered! Everything's just one big dirty joke with you, isn't it?"

"Yep," Kenny confirmed, trying to squeeze his puffed-shut eye open anyway.

Shaking his head, Vic turned once more to the cameras. "What am I gonna do with you, Kenny, I---Okay, forget it. It all comes down to this! Our final two contestants! And I'll bet any Nintendo fan out there can guess who they are, but can anyone guess who will score and cement their team's win? Let's find out! Captain?"

Kenny gasped, "We can't go to The Captain. What'll we do, Vic?! What'll we do?!"

"This has never happened before," Vic's face was ashen and his voice was tight, "We must remain calm, Kenny, lest complete anarchy claim us all."

Both announcers turned to their monitors at a gentle call of "Yoo-hoo, boys--?"

Gùy was smiling happily as he stood in the Master of Ceremonies' customary place at the starting platform. Next to him was James, who'd ditched his Team Rocket uniform for a set of khakis. White khakis, actually. And, of course, a pith helmet and microphone. "Ooo!" James squealed, "We'd be delighted to help you out of your little jam here, wouldn't we, my good fellow?"

Gùy grinned, "You know it, boyfriend! Ah-hah-hah-hah!"

He got a sharp elbow in the ribs. "Don't say that," James sternly warned, "I've almost got my sexual identity repaired, you know!"

"Sorry," Gùy said and meant it.

Vic put on a game face and said, "Well, that's...nice of you. I suppose we'll take them up on their offer, eh, Kenny?"

"Aw, man," Kenny whined, "I wanted to say 'Let's go!' for once."

But at the twin interviewers' side had already appeared the veritable captain of the hero team. Mario shook Gùy and James' hands eagerly with a warm grin of his own. "Pleased to meet-a you," Mario said. Then he snapped his own suspenders and pushed his red cap down on his head a little more as the portly plumber psyched himself up.

Gùy turned to James with, "Would you do the honors?"

"Of course," James said. Then, in his very best Mario impression, James added, "Let's-a go!"

With a happy laugh, Mario began leaping across the logs, his solid brown work shoes somehow making their usual sproing noise with every jump.

"Incredible," Vic described the action eloquently, "Just incredible. A chance to watch a real master at work."

As Mario did his usual victory pose for his successful run, Kenny admitted, "Yeah. He's pretty cool, even if he is as falsetto as Gùy."

Then Kenny wondered, "So if they're the Mario Bros., then this guy's full name is Mario Mario, right?" Immediately Kenny answered his own question with, "That's freaky. Two first names. And they're the same. Makes Peach Toadstool sound almost normal."

Vic turned to his cohost with a wink. "Of course, Kenny, it still might be better than being 'the hero formerly known as Jumpman', wouldn't it?"

Kenny's face lit up with recognition. "Hey, that's right! And wasn't the chick in Donkey Kong named Pauline?" His expression grew somber for a minute. "So you know how there's been a little kid named Baby Mario in some of the games lately, right?"

"Yes," Vic confirmed.

Kenny continued, "But Mario's there too. So they're not the same person, right?"

"I read in the instruction manual that the Baby Mario in Yoshi's Island and our contestant are one and the same," Vic pointed out.

"Instruction manuals? Who reads those?" Kenny waved the distraction away before persisting (lest his train of thought derail), "But not in any other game Baby Mario's appeared in, right? They've got a Baby Luigi now too. And Peach has never been pregnant, either?"

"I have never seen the world's peachiest princess in that condition in any video game ever," Vic was quick to point out.

"So," Kenny finished, "I wonder if Pauline is really such a thing of the past as Mario wants Peach to think, huh? Huh? Guess Mario's a playah after all." He elbowed Vic gently, grinning ear-to-ear. "Oh, wait, I almost forgot. I mean she's a thing of the past."

Sighing, Vic found that his wrist had been overused with paper fan smacks today; he just didn't have the energy for one more. He admitted gravely, "Sometimes I do wish Nintendo would put more forethought into some of their gaming ideas. On a related note, why is Peach the ruler of a bunch of mushroom people? Her grandmother in Super Mario RPG is a Mushroomite...Is she only half-human or what?"

Kenny grinned in a great amount of self-satisfaction. "Now you're the one thinking too hard, Vic. It's just a game. I think. No, wait, I mean, I not-think."

Vic was still trying to puzzle it out as he added, "However, I sincerely doubt it's anything like what you're implying, Kenny. Perhaps the Baby Mario Bros. are merely cousins of the adults or something."

"Yeah, cousins, right! That's it, Vic, for sure!" Kenny laughed in a rare display of sarcasm, "Sure, Pauline hasn't shown up in twenty-three years, plenty of time to pop out lots of little Marios; but that's got nothin' to do with it!"

Instead of rising to Kenny's bait, Vic turned to the cameras with, "It's the villains' last chance to tie once more and force our game into overtime. Can they do it?"

The arena shook as Bowser, King o' the Koopas, lumbered up the dangerously-creaking steps. The bipedal turtle's spiked (not SpikeTV) shell was far too wide. Without entirely meaning to (but definitely without caring), Bowser belly-bonked both Gùy and James right off the platform merely by stepping onto it.

Gùy groaned, "Not again!" as he hurled headfirst into the goop.

After he'd surfaced, James found himself caking a little more of the stuff on his face, claiming, "Ooo, this should do wonders for my complexion."

Up on the platform, Bowser flexed his muscles before snarling, "Grahh-grahhh!!!" at the top of his massive lungs. Then the orange-bellied beast hitched up his green shell and used his stubby legs to leap toward the first log.

"Uh-oh, Vic!" Kenny cried, "Those ain't basketball players' legs Bowser's got to work with there!"

"Indeed they aren't, Kenny," Vic agreed, "which would explain why Bowser has dropped onto his belly. He's skimming atop those logs with ridiculous ease."

"Yeah," Kenny noted, "For once it's a good thing he's so big and fat 'cause he can't fit into the gaps between the logs anyway."

"We'll need to set up for overtime, Kenny!" Vic yelled as the excitement took firm hold of him.

"Guess you spoke too soon, Vic! That log's crackin' like that iceberg the Titanic ran over!"

"And our twin interviewers are still in the way! Bowser's going down and he's taking the entire Log Drop with him!" Vic's hands flew to cover his eyes, not daring to peek out as he screamed, "Oh, the humanity!"

Kenny added, "And Gùy is still in the way! Don't look back, Gùy! Just swim for it! Swim, Gùy, swim!!!" Then he noticed that Vic was still quivering behind his own hands. Kenny grasped his friend's shoulder firmly, prompting, "Hey, Vic, look, look! Everybody's all right!"

"What? Really?" Vic finally pried two fingers apart to peer between them at the monitors.

"Yeah," Kenny reassured him, "The wave from Bowser's splashdown pushed 'em both right out of the pool. Actually, the whole pool is empty...now..." Indeed, before Vic's wondering eyes did appear the image of Bowser angrily clawing himself free of the broken logs in an otherwise barren hole in the ground. The Koopa was chewing on an previously undamaged log in sheer frustration.

Vic brightened considerably. "Well, then, that's it! Unable to complete the event and score, King Bowser Koopa is eliminated! And that means Nintendo's heroes take the win over the villains in a 8 to 7 battle royalè!" Vic turned warmly to his friend and cohost, adding, "That almost wraps things up, doesn't it, Kenny?"

Kenny took a page from Vic's book by responding seriously, "Indeed."

"And you know what it's time for now, then?" Vic prompted with a grin.

Kenny responded with a face-splittingly wide smile of his own. "Yeah, the most awesomest part of the show!"

"I proudly present Kenny Blankenship's Most Painful Eliminations of The Day!!"

#10: Goes to our own Gùy LeDouchè! For not one, not two, but three really dumb things he does; all in one day! First he muscles up to Ganondorf, then Donkey Kong peels him like a banana, and finally he gets between Bowser's backside and the floor. Always a baaad place to be, you know what I mean?

#9: Goes to Link! He tried to sideswipe his way through our Legal Maze, but when his sword broke, our doormen knew it was time to cut him down to size. Or maybe cut him to the quick. Bet it felt like a real stab in the back, didn't it? Oops, it's my cut-off time, I've had too much! Still had to be better than being in that Celda game, though.

#8: This one's for Captain Syrup! After seeing this pirate babe, you wouldn't think she's lacking weapons, but she found herself flat busted without her sword in the Legal Maze too. Our doormen set up a little ménage à boy toy before making her walk the plank. Ha-hah, I came up with that one myself!

#7: Please, a moment of respect for another one of our own. Me, Kenny Blankenship! For being stupid enough to cross the buffest, baddest babe in the galaxy when she could hear me. Guess she kicked my ass-tronaut! Next time, I'll have to say it when she's not listening, hee-hee! Hey, let me check...ass-tronaut! Nothing...whew!

#6: This slot on my top ten belongs to Bowser Junior! This tyke tried to gouge out a victory by riding his shell instead of his bowl in Irritable Bowl Syndrome, but all he did was make some skid marks on our course. And I'm the eyewitness who can prove it!...I think. Was that today? Or yesterday? Aw, heck.

#5: Goes to James Morgan! Sure, he wasn't technically eliminated, since he competed the Log Drop and actually scored a point for his team! But I'm talking about the extremely painful elimination of his most prized possessions, courtesy of Jesse, a long-long time ago. A moment of silence, please, for his forlorn and no-longer conjoined twins.

Okay, moment's over!

#4: Give it up for Samurai Goroh! This loser loses his cool during Irritable Bowl Syndrome. Loses his bowl, too! And his dignity! And whatever chance he ever had of nailin' those hot F-Zero chicks, 'cause nobody likes an angry loudmouthed guy with a temper. And he's fat too.

#3: None other than Luigi Mario! He may know how to clean house in his own mansion, but he got flushed right outta the Legal Maze. Guess his girlfriend, Princess Daisy, needs to get him doing the cleaning even more often 'cause he ain't got the hang of it yet. Hey, 'weegie, guess your vacuum isn't the only thing that sucks! Ba-dump-dump, ching! But seriously, folks!

#2: That Jesse chick! (What is her last name, anyway?) Maybe if she wasn't so top-heavy with hair (yeah, hair, right), she wouldn't have done a header right off our Dope on A Rope event. But then again, I wouldn't get to see her all hot and bothered after landing in our vile pool. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Ooo, a dirty girl! She needs to be washed! And spanked!

#1: This could only belong to Bowser Koopa, King o' the Koopas! Or should I say King o' the Stoopas? I mean, c'mon! Not only did he eliminate himself, he eliminated the entire event! Single-handedly wiping out our entire Log Drop with nothing more than his titanic turtle tush! Good thing we let this lard-bottomed leatherback go last anyway, or our competitors wouldn't have had anything to compete on! Turtle soup, anyone? Woo-hoo!!

Vic laughed and clapped his friend good-naturedly on the back despite himself. "And another great competition comes to a close," he added warmly.

"That was fun, Vic," Kenny admitted as he rubbed his swollen face gently, "Maybe we could do a Sony or Microsoft-only version of MXC next time, huh?"

Vic could only shake his head sadly. "I'm afraid I have to burst your bubble, Kenny. Nintendo itself created and owns each and every game series featured on our show today. The same can't be said for the competition. Neither of those less than illustrious game studios have enough of their own creations to even begin to staff an MXC competition. Despite what the casual gamer might think, 99 of 'their' creations, even the ones exclusive to individual consoles, are really owned by third parties such as SquareEnix or Bungie."

"Wow! Almost half of them again! But, aw, man," Kenny was forced to grumble once more, "Can't you just see those Final Fantasy chicks using the Dope on A Rope platform to put on a J-pop concert? That would be awesome!"

"Now that's just what we need," it was Vic's turn to grumble, "A bunch of teen pop prima donnas in charge of saving the world. I feel safer already." Then Vic turned, including the troop of MXC staffers behind them in his wave. "So, what do we always say?!" he called out.

But before anybody could respond, Captain Tenneal pulled up in his clean white convertible. The top was down, his uniform was complete and spotless, and his new crown was gleaming as The Captain was beaming. The swords were in the backseat, along with plenty of Nintendo characters of the female persuasion. But the one stealing the show was a vaguely familiar and very muscular blonde in sunglasses, halter top, and super-tight shorts filling out the passenger seat at The Captain's side.

The Captain joined the women in a chorus of "Don't get eliminated!" as they raised their fists in cheer.

Sunglasses girl pulled her eyewear down long enough to wink her cold, blank eyes at the audience before shoving them back into place. Unknowing of this, The Captain simply drove off, still smiling widely.

Vic and Kenny watched the car go wide-eyed. "Oh, my," Vic said, "We should tell him right away! The Captain is in mortal danger!"

Kenny leapt to his feet. "You do that, Vic! I'll handle the rest!"

"The rest?" Vic repeated, watching Kenny rush in the opposite direction of the retreating car in a rustle of red robes. "You're heading for the arena, Kenny! What are you doing?!"

"That means the real Samus must still be out there!" he paused long enough to cry, "And she needs nursing back to health! Heck, maybe she got her armor breastplate blasted off or something! Then she could nurse me instead! Woo-hoo!!" Kenny charged out of the booth and across the fields.

Left behind, Vic could only smirk wistfully, "Ah, hope springs eternal."

Off-camera somewhere, the sounds of Kenny screaming things like, "Ow! Hey! Ouch! I didn't mean to grab you there! I thought that round thing was your helmet! Hey! Not the face, please, not my face again!" were starting to appear with alarming frequency.

Vic finished, "And so does stupidity. Good night, everybody."

And then, as the final credits roll:

The text and events for this episode's script Copyright © 2004 Keith E. Kimball. All characters, titles, games, licensed properties, and such remain copyright © to their respective holders, including but not limited to SpikeTV, Tokyo Broadcasting System, Mr. "Beat" Takeshi, Nintendo Co. Ltd., Toho Eiga Ltd., and anybody else important that the scriptwriter doesn't want to tick off. I did this for free and for fun; please don't sue me. (Hope any of you corporate types who reads it likes it anyway. Goes double for anybody kind enough to read it just for their pleasure. To paraphrase the inimitable words of The King o' Rock n' Roll, "Thank you, sirs and ladies, thank you vera much! Ahuh-huh!")

:the ending theme blares: DUN-A-DUN-DUN, DUN-A-DUN-DUN, DUNN-DA-DAUNN-DUNNN!!

The End