By: Trickster Kitsune

A/N: This is just a little drabble I made for a friend to hopefully cheer her up. I'm sorry if this sucks or makes no sense, but it's late (almost 2:00am) and I don't really care. I know it's not my best. But... Enjoy anyway!

Disclaimer: I don't own X/1999 or any of the characters. Everything belongs to Clamp.

What is left for me in this world? Is there really anything left to live for? My existence ended when I lost the only love I had. When I lost Hokuto, I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. Melodramatic, I know, but it was true.

As time went on, I just stopped caring. I wished for death, an end to this miserable life where all I saw was death and destruction. You'd think I could just go somewhere in my dreamscape to escape this, but these images always found me and shattered what fragile peace I had built. A shadow would cross over the sun, or a dead leaf would fall from a tree, and I knew what was coming. Another reflection of what happened in the outside world. Another light of a soul snuffed out before it even had a chance to live. That was my life.

However, looking back, I guess everything could have been worse. I could have truly been alive, fighting alongside the Dragons of Earth, and holding a mangled body of one of my comrades as they died. I could have held Hokuto's body while she died. I don't want to think about that...

Everything changed for me one night while I was sitting alone in my shadowed dreamscape. She came back to me. I can't begin to describe what I felt at that moment. It was like all of my troubles and sorrows disappeared the moment I saw her smiling face. That was when I realized in every shadow of my dreamscape, there had been a little joy, no matter how minute. The whimsical dance of a falling cherry blossom. The smile on a child's face when a butterfly fluttered by. The liveliness of a group of friends together, oblivious of the battle raging around them.

All of these moments I notice now, after finally finding my own joy amid the sorrows of my life. For me at least, living began when I finally drew my last breath and reunited with Hokuto. I could say that I truly hated my life when I was alive, but that's not true. I was happy to meet the few people I did in my dreams, for however short or for whatever reason they were there for.

I hope that in my next life, I'll be able to go places, meet people, make friends, and live the existence that was denied to me. I will just have to wait and see what Fate decides.