WITH OR WITHOUT YOU
I am sooooo sorry for making you wait! I was troubled with laboratory work before holidays! And then I went to a one month trip with my family! And when I got back I had a lot of work to do… again! But here I am! Because I will not give up on my fic! Never! Just hope you don't give up on it too…
Here's the next chapter! Hope you enjoy it!
And happy 2007!
Cheers!
Chapter XLVI
"Why did you do it, Malfoy?" Hermione shook the parchment angrily. "WHY DID YOU DO IT TO ME?" She regained her strength but the tears were still stubbornly falling.
Draco had his face hidden between his knees. His hair was totally messed up because he was passing his hands back and forth on his head… but he didn't say a word.
"MALFOY!" The parchment was now ripped in the middle, but she didn't notice. "Now it's my turn to say it's no use crying! Well, as if you could cry!" His silence was driving her nuts. Without a second thought, she kicked his left knee, which banged on his face and almost brought him to the floor. Even then he didn't emit a sound. "ANSWER ME!" She kneeled in front of him and held him by the shoulders, shaking. "WHY?" His head hit the wall, but still he said nothing. "MALFOY!" Her tears were falling hard again. Instinctively she took her hands off of him and sat on the ground. "Please, tell me. Please, Malfoy." She pleaded… and he kept silent.
For several minutes they stood there, in silence, immersed in their own thoughts. Hermione didn't have the strength to leave and Draco was trying desperately to run away from reality. She ended up lying down on the ground, in front of him, breathing deeply trying to calm herself. He managed to lift his head a little and started looking at her. He was crying in front of her and he was not ashamed of it. "So at least you can cry", she whispered.
"Why I did it, you ask." Finally his words were leaving his throat. "In the beginning I just wanted to help." Hermione sat again, staring at him, trying to look into his eyes, but he kept his eyes away from her face, aiming at the ground. "I did say your house password to some of my housemates, right after we got the passwords. The whole idea of stealing Potter's broom right before the game was mine either. But then…"
"So I was right! You were the one who stole the broom in the first place! And you… I really believed in you! You convinced me that it wasn't you! How can you be so deceiving?"
"… when the time came…" he continued like she had said nothing "… I was already involved with you. When you asked me where Potter's broom was I really didn't know but I was sure that it was done by my classmates so I went to ask them where it was because… you looked so worried… Saint Potter!" He smirked. "I really wanted him to be humiliated in front of everyone but then… you came and… I just couldn't see you desperate. And I said the slytherins were angry at me but not because I supposedly said a lie but because they all thought that I was the one who told you where the broom was."
"So once again I was right." She wanted to look into his eyes but he just wouldn't face her. "I thank you for that. But why… that's what I really wanna know, why did you keep sending me those love messages? Even when I was sure it was you, you denied it so vehemently!"
He sighed. "I was successful in disguising my letter and in the charms that I put on the origami bird. You, although being so clever, couldn't figure out who it was. After the ball… we talked and you put me in my place but I couldn't forget the feeling of having you in my arms. Till that night I had never felt something as great as that. So, after our talk I realized that it would never be possible again, I would never be able to tell you my feelings. I felt that I had lost you forever. But the origami bird worked so well… so I thought 'why not use it to tell her?', and so I did."
"You're crazy! You knew we're not meant to be together and yet… What's the use in telling me your feelings since you know it is impossible for us to stay together?"
"I had to tell you them somehow! I was… I was drowning in them. It felt like I was going to be suffocated. You must know… you must know how it hurts. Don't tell me you don't."
She dried some of her tears with the back of her hand. "I thought you said you had buried your heart."
"Yes, I had, since my childhood… but you found it. So I buried it even deeper, the deepest that I could, and yet, like you said, it got broken. And when I thought it couldn't break more, it shattered." He passed the back of his sleeve on his nose (nothing charming but you must know how it turns out when we cry). "Soon after the broom incident I got my engagement letter, and just when I had sent you my first note. I was… so lost. I didn't know what to do. Here I was being told to get married to a pureblood, when the one I wanted the most was a muggle born. What to do? Get married as told and leave both of us alive or assume to my family and friends what I was feeling and send us straight to the death sentence? In the end, I chose the first one."
She couldn't believe in her ears. "Since you made your choice, without asking me what I thought about it, why did you keep sending me the notes? Why couldn't you just let it go?"
"I… I thought that I could make you believe that someone else was in love with you. And still I would be able to keep telling you how I feel. Since it's impossible to stay with you and since you knew that too I thought that you would give a chance to whoever was the secret admirer. I tried to give you some ideas. That night, when I got the parchment from you, I kept telling that it was Potter. I was pretty sure that you could get interested in him if you believed that it was possible that the secret admirer was him. But them he appears together with the Weasley girl. Weasley was with Lavender, so no use trying him. And, when my ideas had run out, Macmillan gets on scene. It was just perfect but yet you were still thinking that it was me. No matter what I said, no matter what I did, you were still thinking that it was me. You're even pressed me against the wall, using the ring and all... and it had the right colors. I still don't know how I was able to act that way that night. I was in shock because of the colors. I didn't believe in that folk tale, but yet…"
"It was because of the ring and the colors and the folk tale that I thought… that I was sure that the secret admirer was you."
Finally he raised his head and looked into her eyes. "You knew the story?" He asked surprised.
She smiled. "You guessed right, I didn't know. Ginny told me when I showed it to her. She was so ecstatical because of the colors!" She laughed. "She made me believe that the story was true."
He looked down again. "Oh, yeah. I forgot about her."
Hermione's mind landed at his room again. "But, Malfoy, why the hell did you send that ring to me?"
He looked at her for several seconds before answering. "Isn't it obvious? Because I had no one else I wanted to send it to."
She felt a chill going down her spine. "What are you talking about? And your fiancée? That ring wasn't supposed to be sent to her?"
He smiled. "Yes, it was. But the problem is that I bought it for you in the first place."
"Huh? For me?" She was really confused this time. "But…"
He inclined his legs to the side and crossed them, finally revealing his face. "You'll probably remember it. We met in Hogsmead before Christmas, in front of Jewel You, remember?"
She nodded. "How could I forget? You hit Goyle that day."
He smiled. "Precisely. And you were right about one thing: I was there to buy a jewel, but I still had no one to give it to. I was there just because my mother demanded it, but I had no idea of what to buy… till seeing you. I bought that ring thinking of you. That's why I had nobody else to send it to. It was yours from the beginning."
She breathed deeply, trying to hold back the tears. "It was never mine, Malfoy." She got up and stepped towards the door.
"Where are you going?" She left the room. "Granger?" He stood up and followed her.
Hermione crossed their common room and entered her bedroom. She went to the small table beside her bed and picked up a well-known small white box, pressing it against her fingers. She took a deep breath and returned to the common room. Malfoy was standing there, in the middle of it, waiting for her. She stopped in front of him, reached his right hand and brought it up, placing the box on his palm. "It was never mine, so I'm returning it to you."
He pushed it to her. "Didn't you hear what I said? It's no use returning it to me. It's yours! I didn't buy it for a fiancée or whatever! I bought it for you!"
She bent his fingers over the box. "It's not mine, Malfoy, since you'll never be."
He opened his mouth but nothing came out. There she was, in front of him, ready to hear something that could bring them together, but still, he couldn't say anything. Once again tears fell down on his cheeks.
She sighed, defeated. "The last thing I wanted from you was a jewel… and you know that. I told you so many times what I wanted and you never answered. I'm tired of this game, Malfoy. Let's end it here, right now." She released his hand.
Draco didn't bring down his arm. He was frozen, as a statue, staring at her. "I can't give you what I long to. You'd be killed. Can't you understand it?"
Hermione got nearer him and dried the tears on his face using both hands. "If you're feeling the same as I am, then you must know how it feels like to be half dead." She smiled sadly. "That's more than enough for me, Malfoy. This should end." She turned her back at him and headed for her room.
He pressed the white box in his hand and brought it to his chest. Don't go! Please! He never felt that fear before. Seeing Granger getting away from him was scarier than hearing Voldemort's name. Granger. Granger! "Hermione", he whispered. She was a feet from entering her room. Don't go! "Hermione!" he called. For a second he thought that she would ignore it, but she stopped at the door. "Hermione."
Two tears rolled on her face. "I've waited for so long to hear you say my name. I've passed nights and days thinking about how it would sound coming from your lips. I have to say that it felt better than I thought. It's only a pity that it came so late." She was still with her back turned at him. "Don't expect me to do the same, Malfoy. You've already made your decision and I have ended our nightmare moments ago. Let's just go on with our lives, pretending that we never met each other." She entered… "by the way, happy Valentine's day"… and pushed the door, without looking at him.
Never a sound was so difficult to hear like the sound of her door being slammed at that moment. He wished the ground to open beneath his feet, to be buried so deep that it would be possible to reach hell, and to never, never again, listen his own name.
"Are you alright?" Ginny asked, passing a hand on Hermione's head.
They were at the 7th floor, inside that well-known room they used for DA, now looking more as psychologist room, with sofas and even a divan. They were sitting on the latter, Hermione resting her head on Ginny's shoulder while being embraced by her.
"Yes, I'm fine. Sorry for calling so late. It's just that… I needed to talk to someone and you're my best friend. I'm really sorry." Hermione raised her head. "Your clothes are all wet. I'm sorry."
Ginny smiled. "Stop saying 'sorry', Hermione, like you did something wrong. You know you can always count on me, don't you? The only thing that pisses me off it's the time because you should have called me earlier, since you're feeling so bad. How could you stay by yourself up till mid-night like that?"
She dried her cheeks and nose with her cloak sleeve. "I was… I was afraid of meeting Malfoy. I was terrified. I couldn't face him. Not now, not today. I don't even know if I'll be able to face him again. I… it hurts so much. Why the hell do we fall in love? What for? It's the worst thing that could happen to someone! I hate this feeling!" She dried the tears before wetting her face again.
"Calm down, Hermione. You're only saying that because your story with Malfoy ended up that way. I'm sure you're not being serious. Listen, you'll never see him again. It's just a matter of months and you'll be free. I'm sure you'll meet someone that is worth loving." Ginny said softly.
"I've already made my decision. I'll never love again." She said angrily. "You and Harry… you and Harry were meant to be, Ginny. It's so different. It's like if… Harry exists because of you and you exist because of Harry. Did I make myself clear? I'm kinda confused so…" She shook her head.
Ginny wanted to laugh but decided it was not a good idea. "Very poetic, my dear, but you know it doesn't work that way. If it's true, then the same goes for you and Malfoy. Let me finish." She placed a finger on Hermione's lips which were already opened to declare that what she was saying wasn't true. "Alright. The same goes for you. You have the schieben, you have potentia, and you have the ring. You and Malfoy have more proofs of your love than Harry and I. I tried to dance schieben with him, but he didn't accept it. I'm a little angry with him because of that, but whatever. The point is you really love each other. If that pureblood-mudblood thing didn't exist, you would be together in no time."
"I know that… and he knows too. That's what drives me mad at him. He's weak! At first I didn't want to love him because of that too, but then I thought 'what am I doing? Will I give up on my love just because of a stupid racism?' and I showed it to him. I wanted him to jump to the same conclusion but…"
"You know it was not because of racism that he gave up on you. He was afraid to get you killed. I don't think that he's weak. He loves you so much that he preferred to keep you alive instead of his happiness. You can't deny it."
She started crying again. "I know that. But what's the use of it since I'm already dead inside? It hurts so much. And I can't make it stop. I'm so tired of it."
Ginny embraced her again. "Listen. Let's just stop talking, ok? I'll be by your side till you stop crying. Cry everything out. That's better than talking now."
Without a word, Hermione leant her head on Ginny's shoulder again… and cried.
It was fifteen past three in the morning when Hermione and Ginny went to the Gryffindor tower. They used secret passages to avoid Filch and miss Norris, since Ginny was not a prefect. They hugged each other in front of the Fat Lady painting and Hermione left before Ginny wake her up to enter.
She walked the slowest as she could, pretending that maybe she would never find the head's dorm again. Unfortunately, she thought, there was, in front of her, monsieur Chateau snoring. She knocked on the painting and said "partnership" before he could say anything. Looking at her swollen eyes and sad face, he decided that it was really better to not say anything and just opened the entrance. She walked inside silently, thinking that Malfoy would be in his room, probably still awaken, maybe waiting for her… and the last thing she wanted was meeting him. She was two feet away from her door when she saw something floating in front of it: a greenish origami bird. I can't believe it! She caught it and entered her room, closing the door. Oh my God! Should I open it? She was sat on the ground, her chin on the bed, looking at the bird she put over it. What does he want now? Didn't I say it's over? Her heart wanted to open it but her head wanted to throw it away. What to do? At that moment, seeming more like a whisper, she clearly heard her mum's voice in her head saying 'when in doubt, it's better to listen to our hearts, my child." Without a second thought she picked up the origami bird and, still seated on the ground, opened it.
I'll be waiting for you at the top of the north tower all day long if necessary.
Will you come?
He used his own writing this time, she recognized it. Why are you doing this? She pressed the open parchment against her chest. God… what do I do?
It was almost freezing on the top of the tower and the wind was strong. Malfoy was standing in the middle of it, facing the lake. He didn't seem to bother about the temperature or the wind. He just threw his Hogwarts cloak over his shoulders before leaving for the North tower. He didn't know what time it was and how much time had passed since he got there. The stars are beautiful tonight. He sighed. Will you come, Hermione?
"What do you want this time, Malfoy?"
He turned and looked at her. She had an angry face but yet he smiled. "I just thought if you would come or not… and you came."
She stepped to him. "Alright, look… you're just wearing your Hogwarts cloak? But it's freezing!"
"I'm fine. You don't have to worry about that." He stopped a few inches from her.
She stepped behind. "I'm not worried. It's just… it's common sense, you know. But I didn't come here to talk about that. I just came because you said you would wait all day long. I was afraid that you were serious about that. So, what do you want?"
He stepped to her again, this time stopping closer than before. "You."
She was going to step behind but she froze at his answer. "What?"
"I want you." He said looking into her eyes.
"I… it's not funny." Finally she managed to move and went away from him. "What kind of joke is that now?"
"I'm not joking." He walked towards her.
"S-stay right where you are." She said pointing a finger at him. "I don't want… I want you to stay away from me! Didn't you have enough fun with me? Now that I ended your game you want to start it all over again? It's not gonna work this time!"
He sighed. "I'm not joking, Hermione. Please, believe…"
"Don't call me 'Hermione'!" She yelled.
"I really did hurt you a lot, didn't I?" He said softly.
She didn't know what to say. He was really confusing her. "What… what's your problem? Are you a psycho or what?" She shook her head. "I shouldn't have come." She gave only two steps towards the door before being pulled and forcibly turned, ending up looking into Draco's eyes. "What? Let me…"
"I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world. I can't breathe if you're not near me, because I need to feel your perfume. My mind goes blank if you're not around because I need to hear your voice. Everything turns black and white if you're nowhere to be seen. My heart is shattered and you're the only one that can make it beat." He could see his face in her wet eyes. "I can't live without you." He released her.
She was on the verge of crying again but managed to hold it inside. "Why are you saying it to me now? It's late. You should know it's so late. I gave you so many chances to say it… so many. And all you did was look at me without saying a thing. I'm tired! I'm tired of this! I'm going crazy! I don't want this pain anymore! What do you want with this anyway? Finish killing me?"
He took a deep breath. "I want to say that… I want to be with you."
She looked at him surprised. "What?"
"I… when you… when you closed that door at me without looking at my face… when I saw you leaving… I couldn't stand it. I thought I would die. I… finally understood that… I just… can't live without you." He held her hand and placed it on his chest. She could feel his heart beat. "See? You brought it back. Only you can make it beat like that." He dried her tears with his free left hand. "I want us to stay together. I won't… I won't be able to be happy if you're not by my side."
"And what about your parents? Your friends?" She whispered.
"They will have to accept it." He sentenced.
She looked into his eyes. "And if they kill me? Like you said they would."
He removed her hair from her face. "They won't, cause I'll protect you. I promise you that… like I promised it to me."
She couldn't hold her crying this time, so she pressed her face against his chest. "Is this for real? Are you not playing with me again?"
He passed his arms around her, pressing her body against his. "I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. Say I'm not too late. Please, Hermione." For a few seconds she remained immobile in his arms. He was already thinking that everything he said was in vain and that he was really too late when he felt her arms going up his chest and involve his neck.
She raised her head and looked directly in his eyes. "Only if you kiss me now" and smiled.
For a second or two he just looked at her face trying to believe she really said what he heard. It seemed like he was dreaming, that she was not in his arms waiting to be kissed. Instinctively his left hand ran up her back, stopping and holding her nape, while his right arm tightened its pressure at her waist. He could feel her hands playing with his blond hair. He saw when she closed her eyes and felt their noses touching for a second. His whole body shivered when he touched her lips with his… and when she opened her mouth accepting his tongue. His mind blanked out at the softness of her lips. There weren't wizards and muggles, purebloods and mudbloods, Dark Lord and Harry Potter, right and wrong as long as he could feel Hermione's warm body surrounded by his arms.
She felt like laughing till the end of time at the surprised expression on Draco's face. She wanted to scream, to scream so loud that all Hogwarts would wake up and feel her happiness. She thought she was dreaming but then she felt his hand going up her back and her belly being pressed against his. Her legs became weak when his hand covered her nape, his thumb gently pressing the side of her neck. She thought about how she missed the feeling of having his hair slipping through her fingers, and closed her eyes. Her stomach flipped when she felt his nose touching hers. She thought she would melt when their lips touched… and when she felt his tongue inside of her mouth she thought she would die of happiness. His lips made all of her sorrows to vanish. As long as she had his arms around her, pressing his body against hers, there wasn't anything to worry about.
They spent some minutes just holding each other.
"I love you, Draco." She said at his ear.
He laughed. "Say it again."
She smiled. "I love you."
He pulled her a little, without letting go, just to look at her eyes. "No, not that part. I want to hear the part where you say my name."
She passed a hand on his face. "Draco."
He closed his eyes. "The feeling is better than you saying 'I love you'".
She was the one that laughed this time. "Draco. Draco. Draco" and embraced him again.
Strangely the wind was blowing suavely.