A/N: Thank you again to all those who reviewed. I've been typing as fast as I can, which is really not all that fast. No beta, so all the mistakes are mine.
Although this takes place before BTTG – part of the story was inspired by my favorite 15 seconds of the episode. Virtual chocolate to those who know what I'm referring to after reading.
Unified Field Theory is what consumed the last half of Einstein's life. He died making very little progress on what should have been his culminating achievement. Physicists today are still working toward that goal.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just had to take them around the block
---
So I speak to you in riddles because
my words get in my way. I smoke the
whole thing to my head and feel it
wash away 'cause I can't take anymore
or this, I want to come apart.
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart
---Epiphany –Staind
---
Chapter 3: Breakdowns and Breakthroughs
Still clutching her physics book to her chest Grace wondered further into the room. Willing her heart to slow. It was hammering so heavily surely he could hear it from across the attic, maybe even see the palpitations if she were to let go of the textbook. Luke had remained thankfully silent and unmoving, uncertain of what to do next. She suspected he'd stand there for hours if she said nothing. She knew he wanted to know why she was here, in all actuality, she didn't understand it either. Joan's little speech had been moving, but it wasn't anything that would normally bring her to tears. Crying was something she hadn't done in a very long time. Luke's letter must have weakened her defenses more than she initially thought.
He had pictures on one wall, images from the Hubble telescope maybe. Beautiful hues and rings set against the blackness of deep space and faint stars. She faced them now, unable to look at him.
"Creation is such a beautiful thing from far way, the color and symmetry look so serine. But if you could see it closer, be in the middle, it's all poison gases and broken pieces of what was once whole spinning in barely contained ciaos."
"I..s ...is that a science metaphor, Grace?"
He was beyond nervous. This was uncharted territory. He had tried in vain all evening to imagine what would happen after she read his letter. The conclusion he reached was rather disturbing. He didn't even know Grace well enough to begin to theorize her reaction. And how could he come up with a counter argument if the only constant in this whole equation was uncertainty? But she was here and that in itself was something he never could have predicted. So the primary objective now would be to keep her calm enough to stay.
She turned slowly taking a deep breath and letting it out as she faced him still across the room. A surprising calm filled her as she looked at him, into those far too intelligent eyes. He didn't realize it but she was sure that power she held over him to make him loose all sense of reason ran both ways: like a current between them. The concern and caring she saw etched on his face was enough to make her want to surrender her reputation and all that went with it and just get lost with him, in him and screw reality.
But vows made to yourself in the middle of the night are engraved on your heart and difficult to break. So she didn't run to him and make him promise to make everything all better, even if he could, which he really couldn't, it wasn't in her to depend on other people. Instead, she ignored his question and asked one of her own.
"Why are you doing this?"
Luke was either unclear of her definition of 'this' or truly did not know how to answer the question. Grace was an enigma and the only rule he'd learned so far was if you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all. Her determined jaw was set for confrontation but he saw a different type of resolve creeping into those arresting gray eyes. Not sure how to read her, Luke simply remained silent hoping to wait her out.
She wasn't going to be persuaded by his silence.
"You know how I am, you knew that before this all started. What do you want from me?"
He had to say something now. It was clear that she needed something from him, something that would convince her to trust him. He wanted to go to her, hold he tight and be able to reassure her, give her hope through osmosis, rather than say something stupid and have it all blow up in his face. He looked at her and knew that she was not ready for contact. If he tried to touch her, she'd bolt. So he was as honest as he could be and prayed that it would be enough.
"I've seen you smile, Grace. I don't think you know how your face lights up when you smile. Your eyes practically dance. It's this amazing transformation that doesn't happen nearly as often as it should. You're carrying these burdens around with you. What ever they are, they're holding back this glow that's inside you struggling to surface. I would never ask you to change who you are. If you don't want to put down all this stuff that's weighing you down, at least let me help with the load. You've shown me that there's more to life than theory and equations. That not everything can be broken down into its basic building blocks for analysis. You opened this door in my heart I never knew was there. I just want you to see the view on the other side."
Her knees weakened at the raspy quality of his voice that intoned so much sincerity and dare she even think it, love. Again she fought to control her tell tale heart and keep it in her chest. He was looking at her through watery yet oddly calm and confident eyes. Eyes that said, this is me asking you, take it or leave it, but don't play any more games.
She sat Indian-style on the floor, her back to the foot of his bed and began playing with a frayed end of the book cover containing the textbook now sitting across her knees. She heard a sigh of relief escape his lips as she settled herself. Apparently he was still afraid she was going to leave. Walk out of his room and out of his life, down some other road without him. If he only knew; that path had been passed quite some time ago. When exactly or where exactly she couldn't be sure, but she knew the option to go back to being by herself had expired. Uncertain as to what she might say, she looked up at him once, now sitting in his desk chair, facing her, then back down at her book. Grace began to talk and Luke began to understand.
---
"I wasn't always like this. I was pretty much a tom-boy, yeah but I wasn't like I am now. My mother and Elizabeth Rove were best friends. Adam and I were best friends; I guess we kinda still are. We were twelve, in seventh grade when Rove's mom died. My mother, she took it really hard. I don't know how much you know about that but that's not my story to tell. Joan knows, I guess that's all that maters with that.
My mother was always social drinker. After Mrs. Rove passed away, my mother found the comfort she couldn't get from my father at the bottom of a bottle. The Rabbi was always getting called away for some congregational emergency or another leaving her alone with her grief and her vodka. As she started to spiral down, the arguments my parents would have late at night would get more and more frequent. He was worried about how her behavior would reflect upon him with his congregation, how she was neglecting me in favor of passing out to forget her loss. He'd yell at her to stop being so selfish and start paying attention to her obligations. I had become an obligation in his eyes and non-existent to her. I started wearing my headphones to bed, just to drown out the screaming. But Friday night would roll around and we'd all get dressed up and go to synagogue and be the perfect little family. The hypocrisy was so thick you could practically taste it.
Adam was constantly moping around, he'd never smile. He used to crack jokes and play pranks on the teachers with me, but after that day in November, it was like he wasn't even aware of his surroundings anymore. The Friday night after winter break started there was this school dance that I talked Rove into going to with me. I made all these flowery arguments about rights of passage and how I wanted to get all dressed and show up all the snotty girls at school. He still wasn't convinced until I told him I just really couldn't stand the idea of another Friday night with my parents at the synagogue. So he finally gave in and said he'd go with me.
I got all dressed up in this pink dress and my first pair of real high heels. My mom had taken me shopping for them that afternoon. She was surprisingly sober and we actually had fun together. I picked out the shoes my self; they were made from this shiny stuff with like a quarter inch heel. I had to beg her to let me have them but she bought them. My dad didn't like the shoes, told me I looked too made up after mom did my hair and my face and then he tried to get me to ditch Adam and come to synagogue with the family.
We had been at the dance about an hour before I lost Rove, I couldn't find him anywhere. I looked all around the gym, but he wasn't there. I snuck out the back door calling for him. I was worried he had left me there. But he was out behind the gym, sitting on the bleachers with Steve Ramsey and these other guys Donny and Danny, you probably don't know them, they still go to school with us, they're still hanging out on the bleachers too as far as I know."
---
Luke was surprised Grace had spoken to him at all. It was like she started talking and had lost herself in the memory. He got up from the desk and made his way over to her. He sat on the bed behind her, with his knees straddling her shoulders and began to gently rub. She tensed at first and he made as if to pull his hands away. But she put one of her hands over his and placed it back on her shoulder. He bravely kissed the top of her head and continued his rubbing as she continued her story.
---
"Steve had stolen a bunch of beer from his dad and they were all sitting around drinking. I climbed right up in Rove's face and took his can away dumping it over the side. I started screaming at him, about how could he do this too me, why would he want to burry his life in this stuff when he was so much better than that. What about his dad, what about his art what about me? He just kinda looked at me and said something about not even really drinking it just playing along.
The other guys, they were our friends at one point. I had even gone to the movies once with Donny on like a real date. But now they were laughing at us. Calling Adam a wimp and me his new mommy. I spun on them so fast that I twisted in my shoes and broke one of the heels. I punched Donny across the left side of his face and I think I may have actually hurt him too. Rove came up to get between us but he was too slow and Steve pushed me down the bleachers. My dress caught on one of the edges and ripped down across the top.
Adam picked me up and put his leather jacket around my shoulders to hide what the dress no longer could. The warmth of the leather comforted me, made me feel safe. It was miles too big for me but I didn't care. I hugged it tighter to me and tried to roll up the sleeves.
The rest of the guys followed Adam, looking for a fight I guess. When Donny started in on him I got between them. They were both at least six inches taller than me, but I had gotten Adam into this mess by convincing him to go to the stupid dance. I didn't think Donny would do anything to me, I mean we used to hang out just a few months before and I'm a girl. I guess that didn't matter to him though cause he did hit me, so hard I saw stars. I tried to hit him back but Rove's jacket was so big on me I couldn't really swing and my hands were all up in the sleeves. Adam pulled us apart and dragged me away.
We walked home together. The sidewalk was cold against my stocking feet. I was carrying my broken shoes playing with the heel that was hanging on by just a few threads. My face hurt like hell. I had split my lip on the bleachers and Donny had given me a black eye. Rove got me all the way to my door. I was going to have him come in with me, but I could hear my parents arguing through the front door. So we stood on the stoop instead."
Flashback:
'I'm sorry I made you come tonight. I didn't know it was going to turn out like this'
Adam only shrugs his shoulders.
'People really suck, ya know.'
'Unchallenged.'
'I hate being a girl, if I was a guy, Donny would've been bleeding. I am never going to another dance again. From now on, it's just gonna be you and me. Screw everyone else.'
' I think you make a good girl. Besides, you look good in pink. I think it's your color'
Grace moves to take off the jacket but Adam stopped her.
'Keep it. It looks good on you. You can wear it to the next dance you go to.'
End Flashback
"My parents went nuts when they saw my face. My mother's crying and going on and on about what her friends are going to think when they see my broken up face. The Rabbi starts lecturing me about how if I had gone with them, like I was suppose to, none of this would have happened. Like it was my fault some guys did this too me. Like I deserved what happened. So instead of hugging me and telling me everything would be ok, he grounded me for the entire vacation and told me to go clean up.
The next morning I started packing up all the girly clothes and stuff from my room. I'm waist deep in clothes and hair ties and my dad comes in to get me to go to my bat mitzvah class. I tell him no, that I didn't care about what his congregation thought or what he thought or anything else. If his God had punished me last night for not going with them by allowing a bunch of bullies to beat me up, then I didn't want to be a part of that and I wasn't going to go through the bat mitzvah training. And if he cared more about what everyone else thought than about how his own family was falling apart then I didn't need him to worry about me either.
When school started back up, we took one of those standardized tests. Turned out I scored high enough to warrant some kind of attention. Now my parents could brag about what a smart daughter they had. I made up my mind then that my only purpose was going to be hitting the books and making good grades so I could get through school and into a college somewhere far away from hypocrisy of my parents' house.
And that's how things went for a long time. Rove and me. He helped me through Shakespeare and I helped him through trig. We weren't really close but we were all we had. Then your sister shows up and Adam seems to kinda come out of this fog he's been living in for the past three years.
When she asked Ramsey to the Semi-Formal last year I wanted to warn her what a bad idea that would be. But I didn't know how to do that her without telling her the whole story.
---
Grace turned around and got up on her knees, resting her hands on Luke's knees. She could feel the heat radiating through his jeans and the muscles in his thighs jump under her fingers. She hadn't known she was going to tell him her life story but with his hands on her shoulders and his breath on her neck, she just let go. This was going to be the hardest part though. She had always felt partly responsible for what had happened that night.
Luke brought his hands up from her shoulders and brushed the hair stuck to her tear strewn cheeks off her face and behind her ears. He didn't think she even knew she had been crying, tears just kept falling in giant drops off her lashes and on to her cheeks and lips. He slid down off the bed and pulled her onto his lap as he settled his back in the spot she just vacated. He made a move to wipe the tears from her face, but she buried her head in the crook of his neck. Warm tears fell onto his neck, branding a trail across his shoulder blades. He circled his long arms around her, cradled and gently rocked her.
She let out an exhausted sigh, her breath hot against his neck and ear. Had she not been crying Luke would have turned his head and kissed her with everything he had. But she was crying and she needed to finish
---
"I paid Friedman five dollars to make that dress comment to me while we were trying to figure out what to do for the science fair. I wanted to get you and me to that dance without actually having to come out and ask you. I knew you would never ask me; it was kind of endearing how nervous you were around me all the time. I needed to be there to lookout for Joan, but I wanted to be there with you. Not just because you're her brother and if something went wrong you'd be there but also because you're you. Adam said he would have gone with me. He was worried about her too, but that would have just created a bigger mess out of their soap opera of a relationship.
That night was a sort of exorcism for me. It was the first dance I had gone to since that night in seventh grade. I started to feel like maybe it was ok to let go a little, have friends, steal kisses and be happy. Then Joan went off with Ramsey and everything went crazy. And I remembered why I never let anyone get too close, because bad things always happen and people always disappoint. Except this time I was the one who failed, I should have stopped Joan from taking that freak to the dance and I didn't.
---
Luke waited and rocked her. Grace was openly crying now, fully aware that her emotions had betrayed her and she was being the needy little girl she always promised herself she'd never be. She hated the tears. They were bitter with age, like a wine that had turned sour. She scolded herself mentally for allowing herself to be put in this situation. For letting her heart win out over her head. Her mind knew that nothing good ever came out of hope and love, her parents were proof of that. The Rabbi who was now so scared of pissing her off, he'd let her get away with anything. And her mother so far gone into her own addiction that nothing else even registered on her radar. Luke needed to get as far away from her while he still could. She was like this emotionally twisted big bang, poison and broken.
She looked up at him looking down at her. She wanted to melt into him and never leave this room. With in the confines of these four walls, she could be who she was suppose to be and he could keep her safe from everyone else and nothing else would matter. She placed a hand on the side of his head, and he leaned into her touch. Her fingers were gently stoking along his hairline, down along the back of his ear. He deserved someone whole, someone who knew how to love the way he did; unabashedly and unashamed. Her tone was low and full of sorrow, barely louder than a whisper.
"You know what we have in common? You and I both have one goal, to get through the next few years and get out of this place. You have this brilliant, beautiful mind. One that sees and understands things in ways nobody else can, that's what first drew me to you. You see underneath the surface, you understand what is at the core. To weigh you down with all my damage, wouldn't be fair. You are going to accomplish all these wonderfully import breakthroughs like finding a cure for cancer or deriving the final formula for Unified Field Theory. You have this talent for knowing things, and seeing things and you shouldn't waste that on me."
Luke waited for her to continue but she didn't say anything more. He was stunned, and speechless. His heart was going to explode in his chest. He wanted to protect her; he wanted to make her whole again, God how he wanted to love her. And he did, he knew that now. No lingering questions he would fight her until time stood still but she would be everything she had once dreamed she could be.
He tilted her head up so he could look her in the eye. With shaking hands he brushed the wet hair off her face and tentatively kissed her eyes and checks. The salt from her tears was bitter on his lips when they met hers. He kissed her gently at first and when she wouldn't open to him initially, he slid his hand behind head and softly grasped her hair pulling her closer. As she yielded to him he felt the tension melt from her and he deepened the kiss. It was a passion infused dance of the mind and heart as old as time itself. He felt it in his soul and knew she did too. He could feel her trembling and clutching at his neck and shoulders. He held her tighter and stopped the kiss only when his lungs were screaming for air.
When he spoke his voice was almost guttural from being silent so long.
"Maybe this is the big breakthrough I was destined for. I'd give up Unified Field Theory in a heartbeat if I knew I could have all of you."
She felt the dam inside her break. Her heart swelled so overwhelmingly that it gave her physical pain. She didn't have an answer to that. She was too tired to even think of what to say next, what to do now. She only knew that she had been kidding herself if she thought she could go through life without ever being kissed like that again. He had started rocking again. And her eyes drew hot and heavy in their sockets. It felt as if she had rubbed warm sand across her lips and cheeks.
"If you let me down, Girardi, I'm taking you with me."
"I'm not going to let you down, Grace."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I love you."
He rocked her because he didn't know what else to say or what else to do. Soon he realized she had fallen asleep in his arms. He stood, making the smallest movements possible and placed her gently in his bed. He stroked her cheek and kissed her temple. He was half way across the room when she faintly to called to him. He wasn't even sure if she called out loud or he just heard her in his head. She spoke softly and sleepily.
"Hey Luke, what's going to happen? You know, tomorrow?"
Standing in the doorframe, he just shook his head. It was on the tip of his tongue to make some wise crack about finally being on a first name basis, but he decided now wasn't really the time.
"Don't worry about that now. Get some rest and we'll figure it out together."
He padded down the stairs as quietly as he could as to not wake her.
Joan had been pacing around her room for what felt like ever. A soft rap on her door pulled her off the track she had been wearing in the carpet.
"Thank goodness! What the heck took you .. You're not Grace. Where's Grace?"
She pulled Luke into her room and quietly shut the door. The rest of the house had long gone to sleep and she didn't want to disturb her parents.
"She's upstairs sleeping in my room. She's emotionally exhausted; I didn't have the heart to wake her. I figure we can just tell mom and dad she came over last night after having a fight with her dad. I was in here doing Physics with you when she showed up so I volunteered my room and took the couch. If there's a problem in the morning, don't worry about it Joan, I'll take the blame."
"Is she going to be OK?"
Luke smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I think she'll be more than OK. Goodnight."
He turned to go and made it to the door before his sister spoke again.
"What about you? You going to be alright?"
He leaned against the doorframe and shrugged. "I just hope I can be everything she needs me to be."
"You love her? I mean really love her?"
"Yeah."
"In spite of whatever she told you tonight?"
"Because of everything she told me tonight."
Joan smiled at her brother.
"Some one told me not so long ago, to just be who you are. Who you are is enough."
"You think so?"
"I know so. Go get some sleep."
---
Fin.