Fan Mail Anonymous

Disclaimer: I own the stupidity not the characters. If I did own the books then it would be called Harry Potter and the Blueberry Muffin. Also any other copyrighted material mentioned I don not own.

Author Note: Hello everyone! I was sitting here on this computer and this idea struck me. What if I had Hogwarts teachers and students of Hogwarts answer random fan mail. Chaos would ensue along with something slightly humorous I hope. As always R&R or (for the abbreviation disinclined) Read and Review.

Your dearest Author,

Hotpinkflamingo

Chapter 1: Professor Snape Answers Some Random Question In a Very Disgruntled
Way

Dear Professor Snape,

I have a few questions concerning you and the wonderful world of Harry Potter. I would be very thankful if you answered them all. How did the giant squid get into the lake? Why did you become a potions master? Why are you so mean to Harry Potter? What's your favorite color?

Thanks,

Timmy L.

Dear Wonder Boy,

First of all I want to know how a Muggle managed to send a letter to me. Second, who says the world is so magical and belongs to Harry Potter? Last time I checked I lived there too. Why can't it be called "The Magical World of The Potions Master Snape?" It has a nice ring to it. Everything is about the Boy Who Lived. Whoop-dee-do. Still that doesn't give him the right to have the whole world named after him. Ok start being thankful because Dumbledore thinks it would be "amusing" if I answered fan mail. How did I start getting fan mail? Well I suppose if you have 5 progressively larger books and 3 feature films...

All right, first question. How did the giant squid get into the lake? How am I supposed to know? Do I look like an Squidologist? How did anything get into that lake? I guess it went one day, "Gee let's move to a lake by a magical castle so random Muggles can write in letters to annoy the potions master." I think he moved here because of the abundance of free toast. Apparently he has a whole cartoon character based on him. Squidward. Wow real creative there. The idea of the giant squid playing the clarinet is absurd. He obviously plays the electric triangle.

Second question. Why did I become the potions master? Because I am a master of potions. I became the perfect could-be-evil could-be-not character for the protagonist of a best-selling children's novel, plus potions just sounds cool. Who wants to be Snape the Care of Magical Creatures Master? How unscary sounding is that? It sounds like I walk around and pet fluffy bunnies for a job. Not that I do that or anything...

Third question. Why am I so mean to the Harry Potter? How do you know I'm being mean to him? He's the one with the point of view? How do you know that I'm not the nicest guy but I'm being portrayed as a big mean Potions Master? Ok never mind your right. I just don't like the kid. How can you like someone who saved the world, not once, but multiple times? Oh I know all about that prophecy. I've read all the books of course. He's obviously going to defeat The Dark Lord. J.K. Rowling is not going to destroy the world in a children's book. He's just someone you love to hate. All right?

Last question. What is my favorite color? Black. Duh. Now that your head is buzzing with information you can leave me in as much peace as can get with The Golden Trio running around.

The Potions Master,

Severus Snape

Dear Snape,

I've been so zoned in onto the new One Tree Hill that I totally forgot to do my report on the Revolutionary War! What should I do?

-Missy M.

P.S. How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Dear Fanatic,

1. When did I become Dear Abby? 2. What is One Tree Hill? What is so interesting about a tree on a hill? Absolutely nothing! 3. We lost the Revolutionary War and you're expecting me to help you right a report on it? I have to though because a certain headmaster believes it to be humorous.

The Revolutionary War

By Missy the Fanatic of Trees on Hills

Be sure to have some cool drawing of some British Flags and some red stick figures stomping on some Yanks. Then go right into the body.

"The Revolutionary War was fought the between the Almighty British People against some backwash Yankees. Of course the British were snazzy in their red coats. Then those French came over and helped you, ruining our giant game of Chinese checkers by distracting us with their outrageous accents."

The End

Next time don't dedicate your whole entire day to a tree on a hill. I swear you Americans finally stop watching television but now your watching trees. I don't even know what a television is! Trees I ask you. Next big thing will be carrying a virtual blob in your pockets.

As to your second question, what the deuce is a woodchuck? I have never seen a woodchuck so how do I know how much wood it can chuck? If you care so much go set up a woodchuck camera and see how much wood it chucks. Wait! You're to busy watching that one tree on a hill. Maybe you can use the one tree on a hill to lure the woodchuck in. I don't even know what chuck is. Let's see... it means to toss or throw. Wow you learn something everyday. Maybe you should stop watching trees and start watching woodchucks.

The Potions Master,

Severus Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I am a HUGE fan of the Harry Potter Series! I try to read the series once every two months. My favorite one is The Order of Phoenix. I just love how Harry has to save the world. Harry is my favorite character! I almost adore the movies as much as the books. Daniel Radcliff is so hot! I even have my own Harry Potter website www.iloveharrypotterwithallmyheart.not. I am a Gryffindor according to all the tests. I once got Slytherin and I started to cry! Then I went back and took it again and was placed in the rightful house. This Halloween I am dressing up as Golden Snitch. I've been working on it since June. I just adore everything about the books!

An avid fan,

Terry P.

Dear the True Definition of Fanatic,

I am The Potions Master Snape and Head of the noble house of Slytherin. Why did you write this letter to me Harry's longest running most hated teacher. Oh I know all about the Umbridge. I had to deal with her too. I win the Longest Time Being Hated Teacher Award.

Do I truly care how you waste your time? No I don't unless it wastes my time, which it is in this case. Do I care if you love Harry Potter? No I really don't. I don't care that you waste your precious youth and social life reading these overly large children's books repeatedly. How can you like the 5th book best? Nobody actually likes that one! Have you seen the paperback version of it? How can little kids hold it let alone have the attention span to actually read it? Besides the whole plot is so cliché now. Ever since Cedric was killed the books have steadily went downhill. Nobody wants to read about another angst-ridden teenager that has to save the world. How boring and overdone! If I wanted to teenage angst I could just walk outside! I never would have guessed Harry was your favorite character. The whole book is written after his so called adventure. Then there are the movies. It is absurd that a whole year of my life would be crammed into 3 short hours. Impossible! We don't have random clocks chiming the wrong time or any kamikaze bluebirds on the Whoomping Willow to represent the abstract idea of time and seasons passing.

Then you have your own website. You're even more obsessed than I thought before. It seems people feel the urge to discuss the hidden clues of socks in the books. Maybe J.K.Rowling has a sock fetish? It's amazing how many people actually have websites dedicated to the freak with a scar. Go to Google (now a internationally traded stock) and type in Harry Potter. You'll get pages upon pages of things related to him. I'm sure you are one of those freaks who will check the websites every two hours for updates. Who cares if the actor who plays Harry Potter went to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert? You shouldn't care. So what if he likes a band? Won't make a difference. Ever.

You most certainly sound like a die hard Gryffindor. Only those who get put in that house would dedicate this much time to an obsession. You might truly not be Gryffindork ahem Gryffindor. Those tests are so easy to discern the different houses in the answers. You might not want to be a seeker but you know that will get you put into Gryffindor so you pick it.

The Golden Snitch as a Halloween costume. Do you really think anyone will know what you are? Wait never mind. Everyone knows about that now thanks to the Harry Potter insert merchandise here . Still you will be a freak! A Harry Potter Freak. You might take that as being something good. I mean it in the way it should be used.
You are a FREAK.

My advice to you: get a life. Quit obsessing over fictional characters producing a revenue of millions everyday. Are you trying to become Harry Potter? Do you dream of becoming Mrs. Harry Potter? I really hope that Terry is a girl's name in this case... Just get a life all right?

The Potions Master,

Severus Snape

The Author Returns: Ok everyone what do you think? I know it is short. I promise to make it longer I just need reviews from you to encourage me to do another fan mail episode. I was turning into Foamy at the end. Ok REVIEW. My goal is 10. I would love to surpass that. Please make me feel loved! I will mention if you reviewed so you feel loved all right? REVIEW!!!!

Hotpinkflamingo