Damaged

Chapter One: Agony

Time passed slow...

Painfully slow...

The years passed by, slowly one after another, emphasizing on each minute of torture, on every second of agony.

When did my life turn into a living Hell? When did I begin feeling so empty inside?... When did I start being a shell?... Since I was little?... Since I wanted to become more than anyone or anything could ever be?... To become smarter so people respect me more?... To make them envious of my power, beauty and mind?... To make males want me?... To be paid attention to no matter where, no matter how exactly?... When did all of this begin?... When did I turn into this living dead person that I represent now?...

Maybe you'd like to know what happened in the five years that have dragged themselves along the lines?... Let me tell you my story after I found out what was to get me a heart attack, probably.

Dreaming comes so easily... Cause it's all that I've known...

As you could have guessed, after being so determined, my parents wed me to Yamcha. And, yes, we are still together. Why? I'm a Queen, he's a King. Our land needs a Queen and King. Our land needs new rulers. I won't let my people down because of my personal problems with my husband.

Unlike you would probably presume, he did not wish to force me into anything, nothing at all. He did not even sleep in the same room as me the night after our wedding. I felt horrible that day. But I knew it was for the best. He knew I didn't want him, not the way he would like me to, and probably never would. I could learn with time to love him, as a friend and a husband, as I did before, but I would never be in love with him... I won't let myself fall into the same trap again. Did I say again?... Silly me...

True love is a fairy tale... I'm damaged, so how would I know?...

How could I ever think that I could've fallen in love with someone?... But was that real love, even if I did? Did I not get what I wanted from him?... I wanted to try how this works, why everyone likes it so much... Yes, he was quite good, but I did not feel anything so special about it... I cannot understand people, probably. My mind was never clear. It will never be, presumably.

But how could I know?... I'm not a normal person...

So, anyway... As I said, I got married to Yamcha. He's "my" King now. He has taken over most of the boring issues in the Board. He still acts so very kind to me, as if I'm... No, wait, I am his Queen... Oh... Well, you know what I wanted to tell you. Even though he knows that I don't want him and don't want to want him, he still does his best at pleasing my every whim. Not that I have many. I learnt not to be so complying all the time. I sound really annoying when I whine...

I'm scared... and I'm alone...

You can easily say that all my mental turmoil made a person out of me. No, I do not say that I did not have a character before I met Him. No. But I did not know many things. He helped me realize some things that I would've never figured out on my own. He helped me understand myself... And now... Now I'm feeling so alone... Even along my friends, my husband, my parents, my subjects... I'm still so very alone... They do not understand me the way I understand myself. They do not wish to understand me as long as their own happiness is at bay. No one cares for the other if their own well-being is not endangered. When it comes to surviving, everyone begins acting so sweet and caring so they would be accepted by the other's protective wing.

People are such manipulating creatures... They do not care for one another... Egoistical beings... But that is what Nature needs them to be for them to continue their own kind, isn't it?... Selfish... Alone... Scared... Doomed never to know true happiness... Doomed forever to stay in the shadow of their own selfishness... Not to know how to give without expecting anything back...

I tasted of betrayal, even though I knew it was coming. I gave my everything, knowing all too well that I could never expect anything in return. Hope dies last, they say...

I'm ashamed and I need for you to know,...

I revived a race that should've stayed dead... I stirred a nightmare that should've never awakened again... Why did I do this?... What made me think that the Saiya-jins have changed even one bit from what I have read in the books?... What made me think that they are not the barbaric creatures that they were described as in the ancient tomes?... What!?... The fact that I fell in love with their Prince and I thought he would love me back? Or that at least I hoped he would want to stay with me?... That this time he would say a "good-bye"? Call my name once in his entire life!?... WHAT!?

I'm so ashamed of myself... I'm ashamed of my scare of rejection... I'm ashamed of being stupid enough to want a murderer with such a lust for blood to stay with me for the rest of my life... How could I have been so naive? How could I be so stupid? I gave him everything I could and for what?... I'm so very ashamed of myself...

But if there is one thing I don't regret, that is sleeping with him. You think me crazy?... Well, I do know that I am. But that does not mean that the fact I don't regret the stupidest thing of all above makes me crazy. Or does it?... But... I wanted this to happen. I'm sure that all along, I wished for this moment. I wished and hoped that he would pay me attention in such a way as to wish me as well. He can deny it all he wants to if I ask him, or anything. But I felt it, that moment, the moment that lasted an eternity for me and imprinted on my memory... He wanted me, I wanted him. And that was the outcome of the two things.

I didn't say all the things I wanted to say but you can't take back what you keep taking away cause I feel you.... Feel you near me...

I wish I had more time with him after that... I wish I could tell him everything that lied as a burden on my shoulders so much time, all the need, all the want... Everything... All my thoughts, all my fears... Everything that I have felt for all my life after meeting him, after getting to know him. He would've probably not listen to a word that I said, but at least I would know that I tried, that I could be with a clear mind, free of "what if"s...

No,... My mind was never and never will be clear. With each passing year it only mists more... And finally, there will be probably nothing left to get misted... Everything will only be a blur to me... Everything will be behind my back, as it is now... The moment I die will be the day I will get free from the agony, from the mental terror I endure every day...

Do you think it's easy to live with the thought that the destruction of the whole Universe will be your fault?... That all of your friends and allies will die only because you were stupid enough to fall for the current King of the Saiya-jin race that killed them!? Do you think that my conscience is clear!? Do you think I don't regret the fact that I wanted to make one person happy and doom entire races!? Do you think looking at myself in the mirror doesn't make me want to spit at the face in front of me?! Do you think living with myself is easy!!!?

The feeling comes so painfully... And it chills to the bone...

After getting married to Yamcha, I changed. I changed a lot. And it was not just the fact that I was a married woman then. I guess I just... grew up at that point. I was no longer the whiny girl who always did her best to be noticed. I do not need to play harder than I am...

I began being more of a woman. I began taking care of what I look like. I began choosing more proper dressing around the Palace, even though the people in here know me very well. I began caring about many thing around myself, began noticing things I never did before. Like, how ChiChi always puts my pillow in the left corner of my bed, how Ariane always takes care of the soldiers' right arms first, how Goku always begins with his rice at lunch, how Radditz always kisses the necklace on his neck first thing in the morning...

But due to the pain my mind is suffering, I guess I won't be able to love anyone ever again... Once I had a taste of the poison, I do not wish to suffer from it again, because this time it will surely push me over the edge. I rarely smile sincerely anymore, never laugh... I made a mask better than my one before; constructed a shell that no one would ever penetrate again... My refuge from the nightmare that waited to bite all of my bones, one after another, if I show even the smallest part of the real me outside of it...

Many won't get close to me... I'm damaged as I'm sure you know...

As you could guess, Vegeta's Empire rose from the ashes. It had been granted rebirth and none of the Saiya-jins planned to let the Empire fall any time soon. Conquering, destroying, slaving... People suffering, people in pain, people at the mercy of the Saiya-jin no Ou... People that couldn't defend themselves against a creature so unique as a Super Saiya-jin... A creature that no one even in their worst nightmares had ever seen...

There is nothing before my soul and into this fear...

But there is no immortality. Empires rise only to bloom and to fall, with nothing but the myths about the great years of tyrany to remind people of them, of the scar they left on a person's mind.

Forgiveness for a man who is stronger...

I wish I could forgive Vegeta for what he'd done to me... I wish I could go back these years ago, when I was a foolish girl to believe in him, in his "good side"...

I was just a little girl, can't go back...

I was young and foolish, indeed...

I can't go back...

I wish I could get rid of this feeling that my whole body is crumbling... That my mind is degrading... That my head is under a huge pressure that makes my skull crack... I want to stop feeling how my whole being is convulsing in mental pain as I lay on the side in my bed... I wish I could stop wanting to tear my hair off and scream for my dear sanity...

Why do I feel this?... Why must I endure this?... Is it some kind of a test?... Is someone playing with me, with my life, with my emotions?!... What did I do to deserve this?... Isn't everyone allowed to make mistakes?... Ones bigger than others...

I must go...

"Your Majesty!" The door cracked open fast as the woman on the bed quickly shut closed the book and pushed it together with a pen under her pillow with magnificent speed that anyone could be envious of. "I am so sorry to interrupt you, your Majesty, but you have guests waiting for you in the Throne Room. They insist for you to join King Yamcha--"

"Listen, Krillin, I'm not in the mood to meet with anyone. Tell them that, and inform them that I like to be told before anyone waltzes into my Palace, okay?" She hissed while taking the small strand of lavender hair behind her delicate snow-white ear.

"Bulma, you don't understand! These guys are--" The guard tried again, only to be interrupted for a second time the day.

"Did you not hear what I said!? I do not wish to be disturbed anymore! Tell Yamcha to deal with them, or whatever you wish to! Just leave!" She yelled at him, standing angrily up from her bed having the good intention of having a nice long hot shower to clear her mind off the topic of Vegeta that kept swimming up on the surface of her mind.

The woman heard foot steps, presuming that the insistent man had finally obeyed her order only to hear a strangely familiar chuckle behind her back as she reached out for the bathroom door handle. No... It couldn't be... Her mind was only playing tricks on her... It was a lie... She was mistaking this voice for someone else's, she had to be...

"Is that how you welcome old... "friends", woman?..."

The Queen turned slowly around, not able to do any sharp movements. She held her last hopes up that her mind was registering the information it received wrong, only to find................

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Author's Note: Yup, you guessed right! This is the end of the chapter! Mwahaha!! Ain't I evil? Will have my beta-reader check the chapter for mistakes later.

Review to have next chapter up sooner! :)

Love you all! Yours sincerely forever, Hope.