Trigger
"What in the hell was THAT?"
"I don't know, sir, I must have . . . pushed the wrong button or something. Some kind of trigger?"
"Well, can you UN-trigger it?"
"I can't even move."
"Well, if you can't move, quit all that wriggling."
"Well, sir . . . umph . . . I'm trying to see . . . if I can get back there and . . . oof . . . UN-trigger it . . ."
"Carter, seriously. Stop squirming."
"Sir, we can't just sit here. Or stand, as the case may be."
"Yes, we can. Teal'c and Daniel will figure it out."
"Yeah, but who knows how long until they get back and find us trapped in here? Just let me . . . sir? What is that?"
"I SAID stop squirming."
"Oh. OH!"
"Right. Sorry. Just stand still."
"Yes, sir. Sorry."
Silence.
"Kinda Indiana Jones-ish, isn't it? Almost squished by ancient artifact stone thingies?"
"Yes, sir."
"What would Harrison Ford do?"
"Didn't he almost get crushed in 'Star Wars,' too?"
"Yeah, in the big trash compactor thing with the tentacles all over. What'd they do in that one?"
"R2-D2 saved them, I think."
"Crap. Why don't we have an R2-D2?"
"You do. Only she's stuck in here crushed up against you."
"Oh, yeah."
Silence.
"Sir?"
"I'm TRYING, Carter, it's just kind of hard to . . . undo when your ass is pressed up against my crotch!"
"Hard?"
"Yes, hard. Oh. Shut up."
"Yes, sir."
Muffled laughter.
"This is funny to you?"
"A little, yeah."
"I'm surprised at you. That's a very immature . . . STOP THAT!"
"What? I'm just trying to do my duty and get us off, I mean, OUT of here."
"Carter!"
"What?"
"Oh . . . God . . . seriously . . . you have GOT to stop moving."
"Okay, fine. Sorry."
"I had no idea you were a tease."
"Me neither. I mean, I'm not."
"Are too."
"Am not."
"Are too. D2."
Laughter.
Silence.
"Oh, God, what are you doing NOW?"
"I'm just bending over to rest on this stone."
"I have no stone on which to rest."
"Sorry about that, sir. And great grammar, by the way."
"For Christ's SAKE, Carter!"
"I'm just trying to get comfortable!"
"You're doing that on purpose!"
"Getting comfortable? Yes, I am!"
"Okay, that's it!"
"Uh . . . what are you doing, sir?"
"I'm just trying to get comfortable."
"By leaning over me with your face on . . . the back of . . . my neck?"
"You'll just have to share your stone."
"Sir!"
"Yes?"
"I thought you wanted no movement!"
"Changed my mind."
"Oh. OH!"
"Shhhhh."
"Uh . . . sir!"
"Good thing my hands are free, eh?"
"Mmmmmmmmm . . . OH!"
"You can say that again."
"Sir . . . should you really be . . . doing that . . . mmmmm."
"Just trying to find the trigger."
"I don't think it's . . . up my shirt."
"You sure? I think I should check."
"Ohhhh . . ."
"God, Carter . . . this is . . . oh, shit . . . you can wriggle now, if you want. Wriggle lots. And really hard."
"Yes, sir . . ."
"Ah . . . FUCK . . ."
Outside the chamber in which O'Neill and Carter were trapped, Daniel was laughing his ass off.
Teal'c arched an eyebrow, looking amused.
"DanielJackson, do you think O'Neill and Major Carter have any idea that their radios are on?"
Daniel was laughing so hard he was on all fours, his face buried in the dirt.
"Should . . . ahem . . . should we not . . . free them, DanielJackson?"
Daniel sat up and was amazed to see Teal'c biting his lip to keep from laughing. Moans and heavy breathing were still being transmitted from the radios on both their shoulders.
"Teal'c . . . don't look at me like that . . . I've got to get serious before I . . . pull the trigger."
The bigger man burst into rumbling laughter, laughing harder than Daniel had ever seen, bending over and putting his hands on his knees, which set Daniel off all over again.
"HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE . . . oh, hell . . . STOP it, Teal'c . . . we've got to get them out of there . . . (snort) . . . before they get themselves into . . . HAHAHAHAHA . . . serious trouble!"
Teal'c wiped away the tears streaming down his face and did his best to put on his serious Jaffa face.
"You are . . . aherm . . . correct, DanielJackson."
Leaning against door of the chamber, Teal'c shouted. "O'Neill! DanielJackson has the combination with which to open the chamber! We shall have you out in moments!"
The moans suddenly stopped. Daniel was still giggling.
"Uh . . . great!" O'Neill yelled back. "Hang on!"
The radios were still transmitting.
"Get your shirt on! . . . I would, but where's my bra? Shit! Sir, you're still . . . I know, I know, I'm trying to think about dead puppies – here's your bra . . . Thank God. How's my hair? . . . Just put your cap on . . . Oh, right . . . Ready? . . .Sure, this never has to leave this chamber, right? . . . Wrong, I think I'll be following through this time . . . Oh. Good."
Once again, Daniel and Teal'c were in hysterics.
"Uh, Teal'c? We're ready whenever you are!" O'Neill shouted.
No response. Teal'c and Daniel were still paralyzed by laughter.
"Teal'c?"
"Um. . . yes, O'Neill!"
"Let us out, will ya?"
"Yes, O'Neill!"
Daniel had taken off his glasses and was wiping his face on his sleeve.
"Are you properly composed, DanielJackson?"
"Uh . . . yeah. Are YOU?"
"Certainly. Open the chamber."
Daniel pushed the combination of stones and as the door began to open, he quickly turned and began to make his way back to the gate.
Carter and O'Neill emerged, flushed and disheveled.
"Uh, good job there, Teal'c. We thought we'd die in there."
"Indeed, O'Neill," he said. He, too, began making his way back to the gate, quickly catching up with Daniel. He yelled back over his shoulder.
"It is fortunate that Daniel Jackson found . . . the trigger . . . before it was too late."
Carter and O'Neill stared in amazement as Daniel punched Teal'c on the arm. They were even more shocked when Teal'c shoved him back, causing him to fall into the grass beside the path and striding on, leaving Daniel on the ground howling with laughter.
Carter and O'Neill stared at one another.
"Trigger?"
"Shit."
"The radios!"
"Oh, for cryin' out loud . . ."
They both fumbled with their radios, cursing as they did so. They jumped as O'Neill's crackled to life, transmitting Teal'c's voice.
"Do not worry, O'Neill. Your secret is safe with us."
Then Daniel. "Trigger. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
O'Neill cursed, then pressed the button. "I know a certain archaeologist who's gonna get his ass kicked."
"Whatever, Trigger!"
And Daniel leapt to his feet and sprinted down the path to dial home, hoping to get through the gate and the safety of the SGC before O'Neill could catch him.
Carter and O'Neill looked at one another. O'Neill sighed.
"Glad we could provide an afternoon's entertainment."
"I've never been more embarrassed in my LIFE!"
"Well, too late now. They may give us hell but they won't say anything – bastards."
Carter sighed.
"Well, Major, ready to go?"
"Ready whenever you are, Trigger, sir." She was grinning.
O'Neill sighed. He'd never hear the end of this one, he knew.
"Saddle up, Carter. Let's go."