The Very Secret Diary of Eowyn of Rohan
Day One
Hurrah! Just got holiday pics back from Spring Break in Lothlorien. Am overjoyed, as had same pink bikini as all elves, and still look hotter in it than they do! Even look better in it than Celeborn did in his! Yay me!
In other news, Uncle slowly crusting over. No biggie, as will no doubt be easier to extract pocket money from him.
Day Two
Hate brother. Hate him. Just because he cannot pull off pink bikini, he sends all pics of me to Shield Maidens Gone Wild mag. Spiteful brother. Although if pics are published he will be worse off as will prove I am hot enough to get in Shield Maidens Gone Wild. Ha ha.
Day three
Shield Maidens Gone Wild plan backfired. Uncle's new PA arrived, who happens to have greasy hair, toad-like personality and lifelong subscription to SMGW magazine. Spent all day running away from him, and was forced to use pocket money to buy new locks for bathroom. Not a happy princess.
Hated brother laughing big stupid aardvark-esque head off.
Day Four
Am cleverest princess ever! Promised greasy PA I'd show him all of my holiday pics if he banished Hated Big Brother. Never seen anyone banished so quickly.
Joke was on Greasy PA, as presented him with bumper photo album filled with shots of Haldir in Speedos. And I quote: "mua ha ha haaa"
Day Four... later
Beginning to regret banishment of brother, as resulted in being alone in cold palace with crusty zombie uncle and either a really ugly PA or a really hot Orc, cannot decide which.
Day Six
Yay! Hottie elf, trampy human man, bushy haired midget and sparkly white wizard type showed up to kick greasy PA's ass, heal uncle, restore rightful king etc.
Pros: Am hotter than Legolas, Greasy PA far, far away
Cons: Pocket money considerably lessened, curses, and also going to war with Saruman. Ooh, and pink bikini missing! Suspect Legolas is thief. At least, hope Legolas is thief. Will not imagine Gandalf in bikini, will not will not will not...
Day Eight
En route to Helm's Deep. Uncle keeps muttering: 'am not retreating, am relocating etc etc'. Joy. Crustiness replaced with psychotic dementia. Ah well. All rulers get a little funky around Uncle's age. Note to self; keep uncle away from flammable items. Remember full well birthday party incident in Gondor, when Steward got a little pyromania on us when asked to light candles on cake.
Trampy human man keeps trying to talk to me. Pfft. Why do I only attract the greasy ones? Why?!?
Day Nine
Gimli informs me trampy human man in fact One True King, destined to be rich and famous and get a record deal with Simon Cowell, etc etc. Suddenly seems less trampy. Devilishly attractive, in fact...
Day Nine... later
Curses. Apparently have competition for Attractively trampy human man. Either that, or he just likes to wear women's jewelry. Not sure which explanation I want to be true...
Day Ten
Sigh. Another one bites the dust. Attractively trampy human man took early bath. Literally. In big river. Legolas took it hard. Sobbed continually for two hours. Clearly just good friends with Aragorn. Clearly.
Day Twelve
Ah, Helm's Deep. Only place in Middle Earth to smell like a swimming pool. Or is that just the soldiers?
Uncle happy. Keeps crowing on about how Saruman will never get in here, cos 'He'd need an army of a gazillion super-strong uber-Orcs, and then magic super high-tech weapons to even get a chance', to quote Uncle.
Day Twelve... later
Hurrah! Return of Aragorn!!
Pro: Aragorn easier to seduce if he's alive
Con:' army of a gazillion super-strong uber-Orcs, with magic super high-tech weapons' on way to kill us all.
Which will really wreck my weekend plans
Day Thirteen
Locked in cave by Gimli. Beginning to suspect he wants me away from Aragorn. Gasp! He wants him to himself! Argh, is no-one impervious to his greasy, royal charms?
Day Thirteen... later
Still in cave. Losing battle. Can tell cos of Legolas' shrieking from waaay above
Day Thirteen... even later
Still in cave. Won battle. Oddly enough, Legolas' victory shrieks not drastically different to losing shrieks.
Day Fourteen
Still in cave. Hungry.