Author's notes, thanks tons to all my reviewers in and skyhawke. You guys rock. Thanks a ton. -huggles- I really wasn't sure if this fic would go, so I'm thrilled to see people liked it. Thanks again.
-Insert blow off to anti-shonen-ai people here-
Imperfection
They spent the next few weeks shut up in the spacious lab, which barely looked like a lab. It had once been a solarium and the tall windows looked out onto a private garden. It was bright and sunny and open, a far cry from the darkness he'd been trapped in for so long. Nokoru never left his side after having a cot brought into the room even as Idomu repeatedly told him that he could "follow" him anywhere. With the nightmarish loneliness of Idomu's life these past two years, Nokoru was devoted to lavish attention on him.
Fear of the Yuudaiji group trying to reclaim him was small. For one, the solarium was guarded at all times, not to mention that Idomu was aware of everything that passed a camera in Clamp. Also, Nokoru had more than ample amount of evidence to expose the disgusting scheme and it was under that threat the Yuudaiji had halted their developments. All the Zaibatsu had to call on for profits was the unexpected sale of the malevolent 666 to an odd organization. Whatever they planned in using it for, Idomu voiced certainty that it would end up killing many more victims.
"It was already mad when it arrived," he'd explained one evening. "666 was insane before the 'preparation' for the avatar project, too. Once it told me about how it used to skin neighborhood cats to see how they worked and how a few children had turned up 'missing'... back in its life as flesh, as it put it. The other avatars, they called themselves by their names when we were able to speak to each other. 618 was Jinsei Baiki, a girl from a little south of Aomori... she used to work in a super market but her parents lost her to my family because of debts... She tried so hard to survive; she was obedient, never a bother for them... 627 was from Kyoto, his name was Baito... he was a street performer. He had a small dog he was always worried about... This all we did, talk about who we were, remind ourselves that we were still human... but not 666.
"It was 666, nothing else. It's 'flesh life' was like a fairy tale or someone recounting an odd dream." He paused and Nokoru brushed a hand across the smooth plastic from the cushioned sofa that Nokoru had placed against him. While he couldn't feel the touch, Nokoru knew he could see it, and the slow of his pulse on the monitors told Nokoru it was taken as it was meant.
Nokoru had grown attuned to the rhythm of the equipment and sensors so that it was like expressions. He knew what it meant when it sped for a moment and his breath fought the tubes, he was upset, or slowed over all: he was relaxed, eased. When his breathing hitched while his pulse was steady it was a laugh, but when his pulse raced and his breathing stilled against the respirator... Nokoru could hardly miss that it usually accompanied his touching the case lightly or saying something or doing something that was in the more... intimate aspect. It was the times he heard that flutter and strain that Nokoru couldn't help but be frustrated with the plastic between them.
He wanted to see Idomu and his true expressions. He wanted to see if he reciprocated his touch... If he looked at him the way his imagination was painting it. While he wondered and weighed, he was still fairly certain that Idomu was happy to have him near. Whether as friend or more, Nokoru's proximity seemed to calm him and Nokoru's bed on the side of the room had sat unused for nights, as he slept against Idomu's case on the half sofa.
After these weeks of rest, Nokoru managed to convince Idomu to let the scientists and doctors look at him and try to reverse what had been done. He was adamant that it was a lost cause but he submitted at Nokoru's pleads. "Alright Nokoru. I'll let them look, but one condition."
So happy to hear this he agreed fast. "Yes, yes, anything!" he cried patting the case eagerly.
"I don't want you to be in the room when they open the case," he said in a soft tone.
Nokoru's face fell immediately. "Idomu..."
"Please... I am aware of the effect of the 'adjustments' that were done to me and the enclosing of my body for so long. I've seen glimpses of myself in the cameras when they made alterations... I don't want you here for that."
Nokoru leaned against the case gently and closed his eyes. "Idomu, Akira took pictures of the side of the case opened and I can imagine it also. I still want to see you."
"No," he said flatly. "A picture snapped quickly from a vent isn't the same as seeing it with your own eyes. I... I don't want to you to see this. Take your memories of me from before and don't ruin them with what's left of me."
Nokoru sighed at the plaintiff sound in his voice. "I know what's 'left of you'. I speak to it every day. It is the same person I spoke to on the computer, the same person I exchanged letters with all those years, the same person that I climbed trees with... You are still yourself. No injuries you've suffered will change that or make me turn from you..." He took a breath and wanted so desperately to curl against him and hated fiercely that he had to be content with this hard unyielding plastic. "I want to see you... feel your warmth rather than his lifeless case."
No reply came and Nokoru was half tempted to pry open the side panel himself and grasp the still hand of the once pianist. "Please, Idomu..."
"You don't want to see this."
"There's nothing else I want more than to have you healthy and free of this thing forever... and neither of those goals can be met if you hide from me."
The pause was longer still until the mimic of a sigh was sounded over the speakers while Nokoru could hear the soft protest of the respirator as he actually sighed within. "Very well as you wish... but," but whatever comment he might have made to discourage him were lost and Nokoru cheered loudly, and hugged the case suddenly.
He pulled back quickly a bit red in the face, even though he'd been sleeping against him with only a foot or more separated him from his physical body. He also could hear the fait beep of the equipment accelerate which Nokoru hoped to be a good sign.
"Queen's knight to D3," Idomu said and as he watched Nokoru move the piece the doors opened to reveal the scientists and doctors right on time. Happy though he was, Nokoru had trouble containing his nerves. He tried to hope against Idomu's certainty that his condition was hopeless, bur the truth wouldn't be known till the case was removed and they got to see what the Yuudaiji group had done to their disobedient heir.
Piece by piece the shell was pulled back, screws and fasteners lessened and removed, until they pulled up the main over-head piece. Nokoru had long since steeled himself not to gasp or cry out but the pale, thin shadow of the once beautiful man was painful. Wires and cables were stuck into him in the most painful looking manner. The thick tube that ran down his throat was in place for feeding for while another was directly in his neck for ventilation. One of the nurses in attendance was fast to cover him where discretion demanded due to Nokoru's presence and the blonde could only watch quietly as they busied themselves.
As they worked, carefully examining the connections and mechanisms, Nokoru saw an opening and quietly slipped up to him. His eyes were covered by a black strip and wires were stuck into his skull at many points. Wiping a couple involuntary tears away he reached down and touched his bare shoulder lightly (as it was more free of wiring). As he drew his fingertips across the near transparent skin, bones distinctly felt, a stuttered breath fought the respirator. "Idomu? Could you feel that?"
"...yes.... Touch... touch was too complex a sense for them to use it, so it was left... New models had their touch taken too, but hey hadn't developed it when I was brought in... They were planning on transferring me to a new case, an upgrade... so to speak."
The doctors around them began to whisper amongst themselves and altered their plans, as they had taken no consideration as to pain management. Nokoru was barely aware they were there, though. "Does it hurt any?"
"The wires? Not really. The new ones are still healing some, but it's not a problem."
Nokoru shook his head and looked up the staff. "Get him some pain killers," he asked but Idomu spoke up.
"No, that's alright. It's a faint ache and I don't want to be numbed." Nokoru was about to argue but Idomu beat him. "Please, Nokoru. It's not much but I can feel it. I don't want anything, even pain taken away. It's alright."
Nokoru nodded and replaced his hand on Idomu's frighteningly thin shoulder, hoping to lend some comfort.
Later that evening, after the team had left with their data, Nokoru sat next to Idomu. The case had been left open and he'd raised the sofa to be level with him. Sitting in mostly silence, they were both exhausted from the day's stress and seemed content to just be with each other. His frail body was covered with a sheet making it almost look like he was sleeping. Almost.
Nokoru held a skeletal hand in his lap and gently stroked the thin skin, careful to avoid the wires. Glancing over at his face, Nokoru almost cried at the black strip over his eyes... or rather where his eyes would have been. The brilliant, piecing, green eyes that he'd seen so often in his daydreams were long gone, removed for the wires that translated that sense into a digital one. While he could "see" code and computing processes in a wholly new way, he was blind to the real world save translated images of cameras. Holding back tears he didn't want Idomu to see, Nokoru brought Idomu's hand up to his face and ran it across his cheek.
"I want you to go back to your home and rest in your own bed tonight," Idomu said suddenly. Before Nokoru to react he continued. "You've been wonderful, and kind, and... and you need to breathe. Go out in the real world again, this isn't good for you..."
Before he was done, Nokoru was already shaking his head violently. "No, Idomu, I don't want to leave. I'm happier here."
"You look horrible; exhausted, depressed, about to break down into tears every time you look at me... I don't blame you. You've a warm heart and take other's suffering on yourself. Being with me is harming you."
Again Nokoru shook his head. "I'll admit that I'm not all smiles but I'm still happier here than I'd be if I went home." Idomu sighed but Nokoru kept going. "Truly. I... I think I'm more content now than I was before I knew what was really happening... It sounds horrible, but... you're here... I missed you; I don't want to leave," he said, half pleading. He ran the hand over his cheek again before he leaned down to lay his head on his chest. (Thankfully the sofa was on Idomu's right so the wires into his heart were on the other side.)
As he reached up to run his fingers along the bare skin around his neck Idomu sighed against the respirator. "I..."
Nokoru was tired of listening to him wrestle with it and he lifted his head, looking at the air tube in his throat. "Can I remove the ventilator tube? You seem to be able to breathe fine."
"We can try. It's been over a year since I breathed on my own, so I can't be sure."
With a nod, Nokoru leaned over him to carefully grasp the plastic fastener when Idomu's chest suddenly shuddered and his breathing hitched. "What?! What's wrong?" he asked alarmed.
Idomu's voice over the speakers replicated a soft chuckle. "Your hair, it was tickling me."
Nokoru sighed and felt a blush creep up as he pushed his hair behind his ears. His overreaction aside, he began to unhook the breathing tube. Once it was gone there was long pause before Idomu drew a deep breath. At first the rhythm was labored and uneven but gradually it settled into a comfortable pattern. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly, bracing himself so he hung over him watching his chest rise and fall.
"Yes, I think so. Though I may get tired in a bit. My muscles aren't used to having to do this themselves."
As his breathing steadied, Nokoru reclaimed the frail hand. He looked down at the pale, limp digits and tried to keep his face impassive. "What else do you do, have they brought you your piano?"... I never got to see him play. I was always too busy, always had something more important to do. For all those years... but he shook himself at that. The specialists would disconnect him from this and he would play again; he'd have the rest of their lives to sit and watch him play.
I would work. They had replaced the connection cables once so that meant that they were removable... It would work.
Idly he brought up his hand to his cheek again.
He sighed in both breath and simulated sound. "You have no idea how frustrating this is..." Nokoru raised his head from having let it droop against his hand. "..to have you holding my hand like that."
Nokoru blinked. "Oh, oh I'm sorry. I..." he stammered, as he started to lay it back down.
"No, don't. I didn't mean to stop, I..." Idomu let out another sigh. "I just would like... to hold yours back. I want to touch you back and I can't. You look so sad..." Again he sighed. "I'm sorry, I'm sure anyone could do a better job of this than me. I'm just not good with people and things. I-" he was cut off as Nokoru suddenly laid his head on Idomu's chest, laying his arm across his chest though careful to not lay too much weight in his thin chest and to keep clear of an wires or tubes. He drew his arm around his neck and let out a sigh of his own.
Idomu was silent for a moment as Nokoru laid curled against him. "I love you. So much... I... Thank you. I never thought I'd be able to feel you against me. Even before the avatar-"
He was stopped as Nokoru kissed his neck softly, letting a few unrestrained tears run down his shoulder. "I love you, too. I was heartbroken when your letters stopped. I should have gone to you in Europe years ago, or demanded you come back to Japan." He nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck as he continued. "But you're here now, where I can touch you and hear your breath. Even if you can't hold me back yet, we're together. I won't let you go."
"...Thank you."
The staff found them like that the next morning, with several pillows wedged between the avatar and the sofa to let Nokoru sleep against him. At first Nokoru was embarrassed and tried to find something to say, but Idomu cut him off. "Do you need something?" he said harshly to the doctors that were staring a bit too much. They quickly muttered apologies and went about their work.
Nokoru shook his head at him in admonishment as he climbed down to let the doctors do their work. A few more days passed like that until something came up that Nokoru couldn't be excused from and he had to leave the solarium.
An affair had to be handled and as no one had seen him since Idomu was brought there, he had it make an appearance. Idomu had sent him off with an exasperated sigh and orders to go have a good time. It was about an hour before people would begin arriving when he stepped up with Suoh on the balcony.
"Suoh...?" The bodyguard only looked back at him and raised an eyebrow in response. "I just want to say, I'm deeply sorry. I wish it hadn't come to that..."
As he stared at his shoes, ashamed that it had taken that at long to apologize to his dear friend, Suoh bowled him over with his casual response. "For what?"
"For ordering you to do as I said back when you were getting Idomu. It was inexcusable, I was just... I'm so sorry."
Suoh shook his head. "Rijichou you did nothing wrong, the fault was mine. I let my emotions cloud my judgment."
"No!" he said quickly but was careful to keep his voice down so as to not draw attention. "You're not my servant you're my friend. I couldn't bear to loose that."
Again he shook his head. "Your friend I may be, but I'm also you're servant. I'm bound to you; this is what I am. I wouldn't wish to change it either." He tipped his head a bit and let a slight smile show. "You can't put our friendship in jeopardy so easily, so don't worry."
Nokoru smiled brightly and looked down at the people putting the last touches up. Akira was directing the workers laying out the cookie table and Nokoru looked back up to Suoh. He'd been shut in with Idomu since they'd gotten him, but today he'd noticed a lot of the strain between them was gone. "Suoh?"
"Yes, Rijichou?"
"You and Akira seem much better with each other now, and it doesn't feel forced like it did before." Suoh only nodded to him. "Did you two come to some sort of an agreement once I was out of your hair?" he asked with a sly smile and his hands clasped behind his back.
Suoh huffed and shoved his hands into his pockets. "We're fine."
Nokoru laughed and leaned on him. "You don't have to be embarrassed; I know you're not the cold, heartless monster you like to pretend you are." Again he huffed, but Nokoru could detect a hint of red on his face and laughed some more. "Sometimes you're adorable Suoh; you really are." The redness only darkened and Nokoru released him and reached up to pat his head. Someone called him over to check something and Nokoru stifled more laughter as the big man escaped from him. As he wiped away his tears he watched Suoh's face return to normal.
He'd put down his torch for the silent ninja years ago. After all, there is no more impossible and self-destructive love than your straight, engaged, madly-in-love-with-a-wonderful-girl-that-you-set-him-up-with best friend, save perhaps your straight, once-hated-you-beyond-measure, refuses-to-return-to-Japan pen pal who stopped writing for no reason. The fact that Idomu was now trapped (maybe permanently) in a machine and thus may never be able to give him any form of physical comfort still wasn't enough to make his love life less than monumentally better and healthier. Idomu loved him (the thought was still hard to believe) and that was more than he'd thought possible. He had long since analyzed himself enough to recognize his own tendency for destructive relationships and to do his best to sabotage any chance he had. All a man had to do to catch his eye was dislike him. With a glare he turned to putty, so of course it was the one that single handedly terrorized him for weeks that he'd fallen head over heels for.
That hatred was gone of course, but the distance and assumed gender preference had been enough to sustain his need to pursue men he couldn't have. Now that Idomu was here and loved him... really loved him!... it was surreal. It was almost like the solarium was another world, an ornate fantasy. Now that he was back in the real world, he was finding it a bit lonely. He half expected that he'd go back to him to find it had just been an odd fever dream and the solarium would be just plants and benches again.
As sad as he was for what had been done to Idomu, he couldn't keep the wistful smile from his face, an utterly different animal to the automatic smile he had always worn. ...He felt... healthy. There was no other word for it.
Seasons rolled by and the brilliant green of the trees outside the solarium shifted and turned to golds and reds and then further to dulled browns. As they danced past the glass in the early November breeze Nokoru laid one of his fine white shell disks on the antique go board. They enjoyed games of logic and puzzling with each other, as this was one of the only ways they could get any real competition going.
As the time had passed the physical therapist had coxed some muscle mass back on to Idomu's still body and the sunlight that filtered through the glass around and above them had brought a healthy color to his once paper white skin. He was looking more human everyday and less like the movie prop he had. Now that they had gotten him healthy again the surgeons were itching to try their ideas. The room beyond the solarium was now a fully functional surgical ward and their game of go today was only a way to occupy their nerves while the doctors readied the room. Idomu called his next move as the doors were opened by the team.
Nokoru watched them take him with hands clasped in a death grip on his fan.
They brought him back out hours later. Nurses and doctors bustled around him and Nokoru took a seat next to him as they wanted for the anesthesia wore off. The sheet that always covered him was pulled away from his left foot, revealing the bandages over where the cables had entered his toes.
They had of course not started with his hands, as a mistake there would be catastrophic to the hacker/pianist. Instead they had disconnected the cable to the last three toes on his left foot. If they were lost he would still be able to walk and if the cables were found to be irremovable, those toes weren't tied to anything too hard to live without. Gradually the drugs wore off and Idomu's breathing indicated he was waking. "Idomu?"
His breathing shifted but the speakers said nothing for a good time, as he was too groggy to work the voice synthesizer, but after a bit he managed to "speak". "Yes, I'm awake... I assume everything went well, by the way you're all looking at me."
Nokoru nodded quickly, squeezing his hand a moment. "Yes, they think everything went perfectly. All we're waiting for is to see if you can move them, though be careful. It might hurt, with the nerves being raw and don't move them much because you don't want to strain them and-"
"I understand Nokoru; don't worry." He paused and he took a few breaths before he tried to move them. After an unbearable pause his voice came back up. "That's really quite painful," he said with a half laugh. "Give me another moment." He fell silent again. Suddenly the three small toes moved ever so slightly and as the doctors began talking hurriedly amongst themselves Idomu spoke up again. "I hope you all took pictures because it'll be a while before I try that again. Now if there's nothing else you need...?"
The doctors quickly bowed and excused themselves, but not before Nokoru thanked them profusely. As the doors closed Nokoru let out a happy yell and hugged him tightly. He cried loudly as Idomu stayed quiet, letting the blonde man clutch him tightly. "I guess..." Idomu started. "...it's... really going to be okay?"
Nokoru let out a tear filled laugh and kissed him on the cheek. "Yes, you're going to be fine. It's going to be fine..." he whispered as he curled against him and let his happy tears roll over his bare chest.
The late spring air pulled around Nokoru as a stiff breeze kicked up. He let out an undignified laugh as the last of spring's petals danced around him, but it was alright, they were alone here today. Idomu chuckled behind him and he turned to smirk at him. "What's so funny?"
Idomu smiled as he leaned back, watching him. "You. You never did grow up," he said softly with his hoarse voice. Nokoru looked embarrassed and hid behind his fan from the gaze of the green eyes he'd built himself. "I'm glad of that. I like you just this way."
Nokoru's embarrassment fell away and he walked over to sit beside him. As he did, Idomu raised his arm slowly to drape it around him, pulling him close. Nokoru took his free hand with both of his, scars still marking where the wires once were.
He wasn't perfect... He was still slow and walked with crutches, but slowly, it was coming back. His artificial eyes functioned well using the wires that already been put there while the scars healed slowly. His hands… His scarred hands…
He was gaining back his dexterity but it was nowhere near where he was. The piano that Nokoru had bought for him collected dust mostly as all Idomu seemed able to do was lay his fingers against the cool keys mournfully. For months he'd utterly refused to strike even a key, but Nokoru had eventually started trying to learn to play it himself, insisting that Idomu teach him. Even now Idomu would only tap at the keys occasionally, never bringing out a full melody.
As lost as he was before a piano, his tired features always brightened when he saw Nokoru, and with time maybe he would bring himself to play again. Nokoru hoped that he'd be back to normal before... it all..., but for now it was nice. He reached up to touch Idomu's cheek lightly.
Tenderly Idomu drew him nearer and brought his lips against Nokoru's. First softly, before he deepened the kiss, running a hand through his blonde hair as he cradled his head. Nokoru leaned into him, wrapping his arms around him as tightly as he dared as the faded cherry blossoms fell around them.
As imperfect as it was... he could stay like this forever.