Disclaimer: Same as previous. Have nothing to do with the ownership of Naruto -- if I had, well, there would be canon SasuNaru, dammit!

A/N: So...another piece. I should probably give up and just call this my on-going crack fic. I didn't have plans to write this, but apparently my muse had a different idea. As did Moerae, who was not entirely blameless. But thanks for beta-ing!

Not too long ago, if someone had asked Sasuke what hell was, he would have told them to shut the hell up because he'd show them hell. Now, if someone was going to ask that very same question, then Sasuke would have a very different answer -- an answer containing the very fundamentals of pervertism, Kakashi, Jiraiya, and the Pervert Hood. Specifically, the Pervert Hood meetings.

He stared blankly as Kakashi continued his -- his perverted lectures. What the fuck? There were actually lectures on being perverted? And Kakashi had somehow found time in between missions, teaching them to be Good (sort of, if they didn't count Naruto) Shinobi, hosting his Pervert Hood gatherings, and reading his perverted books to make flash cards and lecture notes.

Sasuke had a horrible thought: did Kakashi sleep at all? Or was he there all the time, being all -- all -- perverted.

He groaned and fought off the urge to cover his face in his hands and pretend this was happening to his very worst enemy -- which, in this very moment in his life was Itachi. Suddenly, Sasuke brightened as small bits and pieces fitted together into a large, vengeful plan. Surely, getting Itachi to join the Pervert Hood wouldn't be that difficult. Surely, Kakashi and Jiraiya would be pleased to have another member, even if that member was a family-murdering bastard who should die for all his crimes.

Rubbing his chin, Sasuke eyed a lecturing Kakashi contemplatively.

"Now, in conclusion, pervertism, while not a mainstream, socially accepted form of recreation, does exist and in what we like to call 'cult-like' groups. Why, a really good example is right here -- look around us!" Kakashi beamed from behind his mask and waved gracefully around the huddled circle of pale-looking people. Huh. Do I look like I want to vomit too? Sasuke thought idly. Not that all of them looked like they were close to passing out -- a couple were paying rapt attention to every word Kakashi said. Jiraiya looked on approvingly as he wrote something (no doubt his latest book) every so often.

"Of course, we don't do the mass suicide thing or the brain washing thing; nor do we do the kidnapping thing --"

Sasuke (and quite a lot of other people too, he noticed) raised their eyebrows skeptically, and Kakashi amended, "most of the time, but we don't hold you here against your will -- "

Now more glares were thrown into Kakashi's direction, Sasuke's included, though he threw in a hint of Sharingan activation to show his disgruntled rage (he also noticed Neji was scowling with his Byakugan). Hell, even Hinata was shyly glaring through her Byakugan, and if Hinata was this angry then everybody was probably homicidal. Sasuke really hoped they were seeing chakra lines because the alternative (a naked Kakashi) was too terrible to contemplate.

"-- all the time," Kakashi amended again. "There are certain precautions we take, but this is for the good of the Pervert Hood. I guess in some cases, we do follow some cult-like procedures...huh" He trailed off and squinted.

"Yeah, but do cults get gift baskets?" Jiraiya cut in smugly.

Kakashi nodded, pleased. "That's very true. Why, I have this month's set of Gifts For Perverted Needs right here." He disappeared in a puff of smoke and reappeared again, one hand gripping a brown sack.

"Since Sasuke here is our newest member, we should present him with his gift first," Jiraiya said gleefully.

"You perverted bastard," Sasuke hissed, horrified.

Kakashi coughed. "Let's not get into illegitimacy issues, shall we? I agree with Jiraiya."

Very quickly, Kakashi dug into his pocket and pulled out a glossy card with Sasuke's full name scrawled in cursive writing on the top; just underneath, Sasuke could see a photo of his scowling self. "Here is your membership card first -- and can we give Sasuke a round of applause for being our newest member?"

There was a dull smatter of clapping hands, perhaps three at most, as Sasuke stared in horrified fascination at the card thrust into his line of sight.

"The hell?" he asked without thinking as he slowly took it from Kakashi's hand.

Kakashi and Jiraiya just beamed as most of the group let out a collective sigh, full of resignation.