Author's note: I clearly have no right to the intellectually property of either Sanami Matoh or the countless devoted fans who write Fake fanfiction. I also have to admit that this series was written way back in the incipient days of Fake fanfiction, so can't really attest that all fanfics still have the same trends. But it wouldn't surprise me.

An evil being sat and schemed. This didn't seem to be an impressive evil being. It was just a female teenage evil being, but female and teenage are a deadly combination even in mortals, and so a female teenage evil being was the most dangerous evil being of all, especially since this particular female teenage evil being was seriously PMSing.

The evil being licked her evil lips and rose from her evil collection of anime. She felt the need to create something—something evil, of course—, but she didn't know what. Then an evil thought struck her evil brain, and an evil idea was formed. She would create. . .the ultimate Fake fanfic.

Or, to follow convention, the evil ultimate Fake fanfic. But first she would need to think of a name to call it—an evil name—, because saying evil ultimate Fake fanfic twisted her evil tongue, and while this made it the most evil name of all, it also pissed her off. It would be called a Fake-fic. Fan-fake. Fan-Fake-fic.

Evil ultimate Fake fanfic.

Perfect.

And so, presented to you from the female teenage evil being in her evil cave in her evil world, at last arrives:

The Evil Ultimate Fake Fanfic

By Female Teenage Evil Being, or FTEB

Ryo sat angrily at his desk. He ran his slender fingers through his fair hair, narrowed his deep, dark eyes, formed a frown on his beautiful face, and sulked. Why was he sulking?

None of your business.

And why is it none of your business?

Because, being genuinely angry and upset, Ryo didn't really feel like recounting all of his troubles in a clear, comprehensive, step-by-step list. After all, he was already fully aware of them and they were obviously not happy thoughts, and so forcing him to dwell on the source of all his pain is very inconsiderate of you. I think you owe Ryo an apology.

Accepted.

But since you twisted his arm, I guess you'll find out.

It was because JJ had jumped on Dee this morning. And why did it anger him so much this day, when it had happened thousands of times in the past?

No idea.

Or rather, Ryo had no idea. I actually have a very clear idea. It's because this is the evil ultimate Fake fanfic, and no one is reading this for the suspense-less suspense story, and we want the Ryo-Dee thing to gain some speed. And if, by chance, you are reading this for the mind-numbing mystery, why did the chicken cross the road? That'll keep you for a while.

And so, why was Ryo bothered by the morning's incident? Did Dee this time accept JJ's advance? Nope. He screamed and yelled and shoved like he always did. Did JJ in any way further his. . .physical courting of Dee? 'Course not, what kind of sicko are you? This might be the ultimate evil fanfic, but the laws of decency (and physics) are still in effect. Had Ryo and Dee had a fight recently? No. Or actually, yes. It had involved arguing and yelling and Ryo pushed against a wall, but that was a good fight.

And so, we aren't left with a clear idea as to why Ryo was angry. As it happens, though, Ryo didn't have a clear idea as to why he was angry either. But while righteous anger is infamous, ignorant anger is even worse, because you can hardly forgive a crime you haven't named yet, and so Ryo remained pissed off.

Therefore, since I don't have anything more left to say right now, at that moment, Dee walked through the door and sat down at his desk. He sighed, tilted back his head of sleek black hair, and glanced around the room with his sparkling jade eyes, which, incidentally, were ideally set in his gorgeous face. If anyone wants to throw up now, be my guest.

"So, Ryo," he began. "That was some stake-out, huh?"

Ha. There was no stake-out. We all know Dee and Ryo never actually do anything at their job. They just spend their time sitting pretty and dissing the chief. The 27th Precinct of the New York Police Department—that's right, all fifty gay officers—does nothing all day. Which is precisely why those of you who watch the show for the "adventure" are so pathetic. By the way, if you solved the chicken riddle already, what kind of chicken was it?

It was lemon-pepper chicken, because I happen to be hungry and I like lemon-pepper chicken. Want some?

No? More for me, then.

But, anyway, back to the story. . .

"Yes," Ryo replied shortly. "It was." Ryo never had been the most brilliant orator.

It was then that JJ, dressed very much like a cardboard lollipop, came into the room and moved to hug Dee. "I'm so glad you're safe! I was so afraid you would get hurt, and I couldn't bear the thought of you getting hurt!"

Dee shoved him off angrily. "Would you calm down? We were watching a stupid convenience store, and the suspect was an old woman armed with her fake teeth!"

Right. Like they ever get that much action.

Undeterred, JJ whipped out a bouquet of sixteen roses and dropped it on Dee's desk. "I brought these for you. I hope you like them."

Dee leapt to his feet, strode to JJ, and kissed him passionately. The kiss lasted for several minutes, that I can tell you, but all tongue activity will be omitted from this fic. As you well know, I just ate.

And why did, or rather, how could Dee kiss JJ, with Ryo watching to boot?

First things first. I think we've heard quite enough about Ryo for the time being, so that can be a little detail we'll ignore. Second of all, Dee's reasons will be dramatically revealed in just a moment. Man, you're impatient. And third, and perhaps most important. . .we're almost two pages into the story already, and Dee hasn't kissed anyone yet. That's an atrocity worthy of hanging, lynching, and four hours of Marmalade Boy. For you see, Dee is an astoundingly good kisser. He is quite probably the best kisser in New York, and this is a title achieved through hours of laborious practice. And since Ryo is rarely game, he has to keep it up with someone.

As for those of you who insist on knowing Ryo's activities during the aforementioned several minutes, he was sitting at his desk with a twitching eye and all of hell on his mind. And because he had never had real opportunities to use it before (except to look hot on manga covers), it occurred to Ryo for the first time how conveniently close he kept his gun. But he decided shooting anyone wouldn't be the smartest thing to do. He couldn't shoot Dee, for various reasons. And he couldn't shoot JJ, because at the angle he was at, he was unable to accomplish that without shooting Dee, and that had already been ruled out as an option. And, if you want the exact truth, the gun wasn't loaded. Remember: Ryo never used it. So he just sat and twitched and periodically cleared his throat until the two other officers separated and Dee returned to his place in his chair. JJ seemed speechless, and there were rivers of tears running down his cheeks. Dee tends to have that effect on people. Finally, the junior officer came out of his stupor. He didn't jump Dee at this time, because, really, would this story get anywhere if JJ spent the entire time hopping on Dee?

"Dee-Sempai," he began--yeah, he was actually American, but he had brushed up on his Japanese because Japan was all the rage these days--, "Why is it that on this most glorious day, the blooming love I hold for you you did return, when you did scorn it with a fiery passion all past times?" He had also brushed up on his Shakespeare.

Dee's jade eyes--the ones set in his gorgeous face, remember?--seemed to glisten with welling tears. "It's just that. . .no one has ever given me flowers before."

JJ seemed to notice the twitching man sitting on the other end of the room. "But, Sempai, what about Ryo-Sempai?"

"Not him, either." Dee paused as his mind registered JJ's intended meaning. What about Ryo-Sempai watching him?

Whoops.

This wouldn't reflect back very well on him in the future. Damn.

Dee plastered a panicky smile on his face and slowly turned to look at his partner.

If looks could kill. . .absolutely nothing would be happening to Dee right now, because Ryo was making quite a point of looking away. Dee frowned, unsure of what to say. Ryo was content to remain quiet, as well. There was an uncomfortable silence.

Then JJ broke it. He walked over to Ryo's line of vision and scowled. "Ryo-Sempai, you should be ashamed of yourself. How can you never have bought this man. . ." JJ pointed to Dee (It wasn't necessary. He was the only other man in the room. But JJ is a ham, and melodramatic moments demand overacting.), ". . .any flowers? You shouldn't take Dee-Sempai for granted like you do, or I'll be too glad to take him away."

Ryo looked back at him, surprised. He wasn't surprised by what JJ was saying, particularly. He was just a bit surprised that the junior officer could really think the main issue here was a bunch of roses. And so he said nothing in his defense. Of course, he never does. We love Ryo, but let's face it: he has less backbone than a squid.

Feeling this was a good, dramatic time to stomp out of the room and leave Ryo with his thoughts, JJ did just that.

The uncomfortable silence made another cameo.

The Chief popped into the room. He was ugly and hairy. "Get to work, you two," he growled. Now the mandatory Chief one-liner is over. The Chief popped out.

Dee cleared his throat and smiled apologetically, which, may I add, looked a lot better than the panicky smile he had on before, which just made him look like a doofus. "Um, Ryo, listen. That wasn't what it looked like."

Ryo blinked. It had looked like Dee had kissed JJ. He had received a wonderful view. He hadn't the slightest idea how Dee meant to cover his hiney with that line.

Neither do I.

And neither did Dee. Which is why he quickly changed tactics. "It was a mistake. I didn't mean to do it."

And he hadn't. I can't tell you how many anime conflicts I think would be solved if people stopped tripping and falling on other people's lips.

"I see," Ryo replied after a pause. "Then what did you mean to do?"

". . .Shake his hand?"

"Ah. I really must get out more often, if that's what shaking hands has come to these days."

"Oh, Ryo, please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad. I'm really not." He really wasn't. He was just extremely, unbelievably furious. But he wasn't mad.

Dee wasn't sure whether to take Ryo's response as a good thing or a bad thing. He decided on neutral. "You aren't?"

"No. You see, there's something you ought to know. This isn't an easy thing for me to say, Dee, but. . . I've been having an affair with Commissioner Rose."

Dee chuckled. Then he realized that Ryo wasn't joking. "What?!"

"I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I meant to let one of the guys tell you, or something."

"With that good-for-nothing idiot Rose?!"

"Dee, don't say that about Berkeley."

"I would have understood if it was with the milkman or something, but...!"

"Dee, I don't have a milkman."

"Then the grocer, whatever."

"Have you ever looked at the grocer?"

"Is that really the point? I can't believe it! You shameless hussy. . ."

"At least I had enough shame not to parade it openly in front of you, like you did."

"Well, you just said you didn't care!"

"No, I didn't. I said, 'I'm not mad.'"

"'I'm really not.'"

"What?"

"That's what you said!" Dee sighed sadly and looked away. "If you really don't want me, then I guess it's over." He stood and meaningfully walked out through the door.

Ryo leaned back and glanced at his watch. "Five, four, three, two. . ."

"Get back in there, you worthless bum! What am I paying you for?!"

Dee walked back in through the door.

Ryo took a breath. Now it was his turn in the spotlight. "Listen, Dee. What I did was wrong, and I'm sorry for it. But I was just. . .frustrated, and angry."

Dee folded his arms, amused. Ryo was frustrated. This was good. But, of course, he was trying to word a tearful reconciliation here, so that little triviality could be overlooked.

"And just because I did that, and when I wasn't in my right mind, doesn't mean that I don't. . ."

"It doesn't mean that you don't love me?"

Ryo considered. He was going to say, that I don't consider you to be one of my best friends, but this would probably be more convincing . So he looked away shyly and hoped Dee would take it as acquiescence.

Dee did. "I'm sorry, too. Earlier today. . .I wasn't thinking properly. I was just a bit overwhelmed, and. . . Ryo, you are the one I want to hold. You are the person I wake up in the morning to see, and the one I go to sleep at night to dream of. You are my one sun in a star-less universe. Without you. . .there would be no universe, for me. You are the sea, you are the earth, you are the sky. . . You are my everything. . .my Ryo. . ."

Dee should really write these lines down sometime. Oh, wait. I'm already doing that.

Slowly, Dee walked to Ryo and kissed him softly.

Ryo kissed him back. An important moment had passed, a moment that had decided. . .he would think up what it decided when he wasn't otherwise engaged. At the moment, Ryo had other things to pay attention to, most of which were a lot more fun than thinking up some stupid aphorism for a dramatic conversation.

"Hey, Ryo," Dee asked when they broke off. "Is the thing with Rose over now?"

"Um. Sure. All we did was kiss once, anyway."

"Good, my Ryo."

"Um, yeah. My Dee."

"Let's go home."

Hand in hand, the two walked out the door.

Five, four, three, two. . .

"Get back in there, you worthless bums! What am I paying you for?!"

And so, ends our evil tale. You were probably expecting a real (evil) plot. That. . .that would have been good. But being the evil female teenage evil being that our author is, too bad.

For an evil ending note, this evil ultimate fanfic is not parodying Fake, the series. It is parodying Fake fanfiction, which is considerably more evil than the original Fake, and therefore has much more to go on.

And now, the female teenage evil being has to go. She's feeling cranky.