MENU- lemon chicken or Mandarin beef
NNNNOOOOOO!!!!! CAN'T THAT BASTARD STAY DEAD??!! Dr. Jackson returned from dead. Don't believe it! Even Ascended people can't stand him. Could have warned them. Good news is, he has amnesia. Convinced him he used to help me clean up. Bad news is, Jonas now depressed and feeling useless. Attempts to cheer him up with food haven't worked. Attempts by other people to convince him he's needed aren't working, either. Met mystery girl from Research Department. Meg. Is on warpath. Blames Dr. Jackson for Jonas's depression. Am encouraging her, just in case.

MENU- Hungarian goulash or stuffed chicken breast
Obnoxious little punk running around base claims to be Colonel O'Neill. Attitude is right. Same reaction to Froot Loops, too. Have to check, but sure that additions to Colonel's food not responsible for this. Pete thinks kid is a clone. Stupid Pete. Found plate wedged behind radiator. Think Dr. Jackson is beginning to remember. Or "clone" is getting revenge for short joke.

MENU- meatloaf or fish sticks with lemon wedges
Jackass definitely back. Damn. Almost impaled self on fork wedged in cabinet door. Something must be done. Might find Meg, Jonas's "assistant". She's still pissed about Jonas leaving. Thinks it's a conspiracy. Beginning to believe her. Teal'c now depressed and feeling useless, too. What is Jackass doing to people? Added crushed Goa'uld to his food. Still have plenty left for Blue Jello Surprise and effect on Jackass is fun to watch. Causing hallucinations. Good.

MENU- pizza or sliced turkey & gravy
Dr. Jackass has gone crazy. Again. Will people never learn? Not sure if dietary supplement is responsible. Multiple personality disorder actually kinda interesting. Some personalities vast improvement over Jackass himself. Dr. Fraiser should save one of them instead. Nice lady, but too dedicated. Feel sorry for her, having to put up with patients like Jackass. Especially when he's gone crazy. Again. How do you tell? He's nuts even when he's supposed to be sane. Had to see Dr. Fraiser myself after stack of coffee mugs fell on me when entering larder. Bastard still finds time to ruin my life even when he's busy being other people. Wish Lieutenant Rush hadn't gotten caught. Could use her help medicating Jackass into coma. Meg still very resourceful. Is researching Jackass to find more effective procedures.

MENU- ravioli or beef stroganoff
Got in trouble with Cook today. Dropped whole platter of stroganoff on floor. Was worth it. My Samantha walked by. Dressed in leather. Black leather. Wow. Always knew she looked good, but wow. Why do people waste their time worshiping false gods when they could worship her? She stopped to check on me. Stood very close. Touched my arm twice. Wow. Found out she'd been called in for assignment. Entering a spaceship race. She's going to win. Stupid aliens don't stand a chance against a goddess like her.

MENU- chef's special
Bad news: gate network crashed and lots of people stranded offworld. Good news: one of them is Dr. Jackass. Better news: planet he's on is being torn apart by bad weather. Hope he doesn't notice copper wiring Meg wove into his hat. Clever girl. I can see why Jonas likes her. Samantha forced to work with Dr. Felger to solve problem. Dr. Felger very accident prone. Had to replace two stoves and kitchen sink last month after he tried to make brownies. Know Samantha will save the day, but she'd do it faster without him. Then again, maybe he'll keep her from being in time to save Dr. Jackass. Go Jay!

MENU- Mexican (chili, chimichangas, chicken quesadillas)
Dr. Jackass taken hostage by guerillas. Yes! Colonel O'Neill sent after him. Hope he's too late. Samantha went to fight new alien stormtroopers. Stopped in to grab snack first and stayed to talk. Seemed worried about Colonel O'Neill and Dr. Jackass. Told her they were fine. Didn't mention certain phone call. Raphael muy contento. Also told her I knew she'd mop the floor with silly aliens. She smiled! Then she took my hand and thanked me. Said she knew she could always count on me for support. Things definitely looking up.

MENU- Salisbury steak or fillet of fish
Samantha in infirmary with bad concussion. Everyone very worried. She hasn't woken up since she was brought in. Am visiting as often as I can. Am also giving her un-gelled Blue Jello Surprise when no one is looking. Don't know if it's helping, but have heard her say my name a few times. She smiles when she says it! Must be good sign. Colonel O'Neill is planning party for when she wakes up. Would like him more if not for looks he gives My Samantha. Am in charge of cake and am making her favorite. Always know what she likes.

MENU- steak or lemon chicken
Jonas is back. Only temporary. Gave him extra portions of everything when he came in. He smiled, said he misses Earth cuisine. Suspect food isn't only thing he misses as he disappeared for a while. So did Meg. Overheard that his planet is going to blow up. Seems like good reason to stay here, but he said coming back wasn't an option. Suspect Dr. Jackass responsible for negative thinking. Bastard. Visiting Kelownan-- "Langaran" dignitaries bunch of jerks. Hate everything that is prepared for them but still argue over who gets larger portion. They don't deserve Jonas. Should send back Jackass instead.

MENU- beef stew or fettuccini alfredo
My Samantha has a boyfriend. How could this happen?? Just when things were going my way! Should have known something was wrong when humming started, but figured she was in a good mood because of me. Wrong. Good mood related to stupid cop. Very upset. Pete swears other Pete is not him and is not related. This one will be tricky. Might use his cop instincts against him. Samantha must be protected. Don't care about Jackass and his sleeping problems. Suspect Meg is still working off frustrations.

MENU- beef kebobs or chicken pot pie
Film crew has invaded Stargate Command. Always in the way. Very nosy. Asked how many people have died since I've been here. They can't possibly be suspicious. Can they? Rude reporter keeps asking about "special relationship" between Samantha and Colonel O'Neill. What's he trying to imply?? Don't like his attitude. May fix him a special dish. Wonder if cameras caught Dr. Jackass gluing dishes to wall in ladies' room. Sue out sick today so got stuck cleaning it up. Very humiliating. Very glad cameras didn't see that. Also didn't see Samantha helping me. Ours is only "special relationship" that matters. Stupid reporter. Sgt. Davis now feeling depressed and useless. Dr. Jackass must be stopped. Will talk to Meg.

MENU- pork chops or tuna noodle casserole
New President showed up for inspection. Almost didn't have time to hide special supplies. Secret Service agents VERY thorough. Thanks to Dr. Jackass, now know many hiding places. Who knew that would come in handy? Still hate him, but he has his moments. Was very upset at death of Dr. Fraiser. Blamed self and wandered around feeling depressed and useless. Actually made Alabaster cookies for him. Found them later floating in soup, forcing change of menu. Bastard. President complimented me on food. President also chose Senator Kinsey as running mate, so judgement is suspect. Thought I saw Lt. Rush in Kinsey's group. Maybe President not to blame after all.

MENU- hot dogs or mac 'n cheese
Earth under attack again. Looks serious this time. Colonel O'Neill downloaded alien archive into brain. Heard it will make him smarter than Samantha. Not possible. If he's so smart, why does he keep using the wrong words for things? Wish Dr. Fraiser was still alive. May have foiled my plans a few times, but just shows how good she was. Colonel O'Neill is building weapon. Think we'd be safer with Dr. Felger. Doubled dosage to combat alien archive. Know My Samantha will save the day.

MENU- Chinese (egg rolls, chicken chop suey, pork fried rice)
Meg developing new plan for Jackass. Won't tell me details, but smile is very scary. Almost fee sorry for him. Almost. Glad she's on my side.