Disclaimer: OK I know it sounds weird but read it, it kind of works. I don't own any of the characters in this story with the exception of Olly, Ronny Demonic and Mad Jack. Open all hours (a UK comedy series from the 1970s) is from Will Clarke and owned by the BBC and Buffy is from the fantastic Joss Whedon and owned by Fox So please don't sue me. I hope this brings a smile to some people's faces.

WARNING. Open All Hours plays on the fact that Arkwright has a stutter and uses it as a comic effect and true to the series I have taken some of that aspect into this fic. If you are offended by this, this fic may not be as enjoyable for you.Also there are some blatant innuendos taken from the series.

N.B. I see this as a series so as with all episodes there is the title sequence with the well known Slayer prophecy at the beginning but this has a twist. It sets the scene but you can skim read it if you know the Buffyverse well. V/O = voiceover.

Preamble:

(Willow V/O) Since the dawn of the age of the vampire there has been a slayer. She alone would fight the demons and the darkness.

Angelus vs. Buffy end of Season 2 (Angelus) No weapons... no friends... no hope. Take all that away... and what's left?

(Buffy) Me.

(Willow V/O)Then came the battle of the First and a powerful sorceress gave the gift to all potentials.

(Buffy)Anyone who could be a Slayer will be a Slayer. Can fight, Will fight. Can stand up, Will stand up.

(Willow V/O) The Watchers who hadn't perished in the First's strike

(Giles) They convened an emergency session in London. There was an explosion. The council has been destroyed.

(Willow V/O) ...found more who were destined and a new council was formed of the Slayers and Warriors who fought the First. Headed by the Two Chosen Ones and their guide...

(Faith) Great! We're in charge of stuffy English guys.

(Xander) Do we have to drink tea every day?

(Giles) The world is definitely doomed.

(Willow V/O) All of the Slayers were found, trained and posted to guard the world against Evil.

(Giles on a phone) They'll be with you tomorrow...... yes...... Goodbye. (Hangs up and looks at Buffy) It'll do the stuttering, tight fisted, skinflint some good to think about his calling instead of his profit margin for a change.

HELLMOUTH OPEN ALL HOURS

Staring

Iyari Limon AS Kennedy

Alyson Hannigan AS Willow

Ronnie Barker AS Arkwright

David Jason AS Granville

The shop was nondescript. It had a lot of merchandise outside, which was unheard of in Sunnydale. Two women stood on the pavement in front of it. One was staring fixedly at a map, the other at the sign over the door. It read "Arkwright's General Store"

Kennedy folded the map and glanced at the red-head by her side. "So this is definitely the place?"

Willow smiled "Yep, you are now the official Slayer of a little known Yorkshire Hellmouth right here in good old blighty."

"Honey, you've been around Giles too long."

Just as they were about to enter a man emerged with two brown paper bags and a look of fear in his eyes. "Don't go in there, he'll get you too. I only went in for a set of razor blades and look what he sold me!" He fished a packet from his load and brandished it at them. "Leg Wax!!! What am I going to do with leg wax?! I haven't even got a girl friend."

The looked after him in confusion as he disappeared round the corner. The Slayer shrugged and took her lovers hand.

As they entered a distinct smell of mothballs, liniment, cough drops and freshly baked apple pie hit them as hard as any ubervamp.

A large man in a tanned coat was looking slightly exasperated with a woman at his counter who was holding two tins of soup which looked almost identical. The shop itself was small, only enough space for ten people. On the wall behind the counter were wooden shelves, adorned with many cans, tins and packets.

"Right M-M-Mavis are you going to have c-cream of chicken or the chicken and l-leek?" his smile seemed forced, even his stutter seemed to have an edge.

"Ooooh I'm not sure Mr. Arkwright." both accents were deep north English.

"I d-didn't think you would be. Put it this way. D-Do you like l-leek?"

"I think so."

"And do you l-like cream?"

"I don't think I do."

"Then you want the chicken and l-leek!" His voice was filled with triumph.

"But I think I liked the cream of chicken last time I had that too" His eye lost its glint but only for a second. He grabbed something from an unseen compartment.

"In that case M-Mavis I'll sell you a tin of c-cream of chicken and a single l-leek for the price of b-both tins."

Contrary to all logic the woman seemed to find this arrangement perfectly reasonable. She was just getting her change when the door slammed open a boy no older than Kennedy and Willow stomped in wearing a pinny and a peaked cap.

"I cannot cope going around town with that thing between my legs, it'll have to go!" he ducked below the counter and went into a room to the back of the store.

"S-s-strange th-that's almost word for word what his m-mother said s-so many times." Upon seeing the questioning look from his customers he explained that his nephew was, in fact, referring to the old shop delivery bike.

As Mavis left, soup and leek amongst other thing under her arm, Arkwright disappeared out into the back room.

The girls ducked under the counter and made their way to the door, From inside an argument raged in such a way that it seemed to be being done more out of habit rather than indignation. Arkwright himself was knelt by the coal fire looking though the pokers while Granville seemed to be starting the dinner.

"That bike is CLAPPED OUT!"

"It is n-not clapped out, G-Granville. What did you b-b-break on it this time."

"I didn't b-b-break anything, that thing almost b-b-broke me coming down Alan's road!" Though it was clear that the young man himself didn't stutter, he was very accurate in his parody of his uncle's impediment.

"Do you know what's gone wrong?"

"The BIKE!"

"G-g-granville!"

"Ok, the front wheel keeps jamming."

"D-d-did you j-j-jiggle it a bit?"

"Blimy! i've spent most of my adult life j-j-jiggling it a bit. And still single and an errand boy in my uncle's shop!"

With unbelievable speed for a man of his build the shopkeeper turned from the fire and a dagger streaked towards each of the girls heads. Kennedy's hand flew to meet one and the other paused in mid air, half an inch from her left eye.

Granville looked shocked then at his uncle, then at the beautiful women whom he'd just thrown sharp objects at, then at his own pinny which seemed to be the only stable thing in his life at that moment.

Arkwright stared for a second then swore profusely for a full minute. "I n-n-never thought for a m-m-minute that he'd actually f-f-follow th-th-th-th ... th-th-th... do it! A b-b-bleeding Slayer and a w-w-witch! It'll d-d-double my overheads!"

A/N Well that's it, chapter 1! Tell me what you think. Bad or good. Flames welcome, if i don't get your opinions i can't improve.

Watch this space for more.

Rigs