The Alderaan Tinies
Or, "If Edward Gorey had written Star Wars." A parody of The Gashlycrumb Tinies in which no less than twenty-six trilogy and extended-universe characters perish in various nasty ways.
Author's Note: Edward Gorey was a writer and artist who specialized in slightly creepy ink drawings...characters frolicking in a vaguely sinister garden, dark hallways with half-open doors, and children in all kinds of peril. If you've never heard of him, pick of any of the Amphigorey books and, of course, The Gashlycrumb Tinies.
Spoilers: Just about every Star Wars novel. But I also killed off some characters who, in the words of Monty Python, are "not dead yet," just to make it interesting. And I do not claim to be an unbiased person.
The Alderaan Tinies
B is for Bria—in battle, of course.
C is for Chewie: a moon fell upon him,
D for Darklighter: a TIE pilot got him.
E for the Ephant Mon, killed with the band
F is for Fey'lya, chief of command.
G is for Greedo, shot under a table,
H for the Hoth troops--use the damn cables!
I for Imperials, the working-class guys
J is for Jagged (we wish he would die).
K is for Kun, whose shadow stretched long
L is for Lusa, attacked by the Vong.
M for Mace Windu, who's basically screwed
N is for Nom, who is bound to die soon.
O is for Obi, perceived as a menace
P is for Palpy, destroyed by his 'prentice.
Q is for Qui-Gon, impaled by a Sith
R is for Rendar, whose death's just a myth.
S for Salacious, blown up with his boss
T is for Tarkin, the Empire's loss.
U for the Ugnauts, trapped on Cloud City
V is for Vader--alas! what a pity.
W for Wes, whose death-scream was corny
X is for Xizor, unquenchably horny
Y is for Yoda, in Dagobah's mucks, and
Z is for Zeth, because fratricide sucks.