It was morning. Rory couldn't remember falling asleep but, as she was waking up, apparently she had. For a moment she couldn't work out why she was on the couch, then as she moved she remembered.
Dean.
It wasn't that she felt guilty about what had happened- she didn't think it really mattered to her that he was married so long as the marriage was ending. And she believed him when he said that it was- she couldn't remember him lying to her before. Somehow, though, the fact that Lindsay had answered his phone when she'd called, and her mother's concern had got through to her and she wasn't able to sleep in the bed she'd shared so briefly with him.
If she was honest with herself, it wasn't how she'd wanted her first time to be- or who she'd expected it to be with. When she'd gone out with Dean, she hadn't really had those kind of thoughts about him. She thought it was just because she wasn't ready- but then she'd thought about sex with other guys. Like Jess. She'd been thinking about sex with him even when she was still going out with Dean, yet she'd turned him down when he came back. That had to show how strongly she felt about Dean now. Never mind that she hadn't been sure, before, that she loved him. There hadn't been any doubt in her mind that she'd loved Jess.
When Dean kissed her, she didn't feel the way she felt when Jess kissed her. Or the way she felt that time when Tristan kissed her and she'd run away. She wasn't even sure that she felt as much when Dean kissed her as she did the night that Tristan hadn't kissed her goodbye. But she'd let Dean do so much more than kiss her last night. And now she was alone, not waking up with her lover, not even in her bed, because she'd chosen to sleep with a married man, who couldn't even talk to her on the phone.
Suddenly scared, she wondered what she had done.
She rolled off the couch and into the kitchen, hoping the first coffee of the day would make her feel less cold inside.
"Morning." Lorelai came down the stairs and into the kitchen.
"Morning." Rory dropped her head over the coffee machine, hoping her hair would hide her face. She was nineteen years old and somehow her mother's disapproval was still eating at her, no matter how much she convinced herself that Dean was, and always had been, hers.
Lorelai took a deep breath. None of this was how she had pictured her first talks with Rory after her daughter lost her virginity. She might have expected some embarrassment, some awkwardness, but she'd always thought of herself as the supportive mother, non-judgemental and ready to accept whatever path Rory chose. Now she was disappointed. That was new for her, and she didn't like it.
"Rory, honey- I don't know what's going on here but I do know it's going to be complicated. This is a small town and people talk. I can't pretend I think you made a good decision but it happened and we have to deal with it. "
Rory handed her a coffee. She didn't know whether to be angry or not. Her mind was too overloaded to make any kind of decision right now. She didn't know how she felt about anything.
"Rory? Are you ok?"
She nodded. "Yes- I don't know. This is weird for me."
"You and me both kid."
"I'm going to take a shower. We're going to Luke's, right?"
Lorelai managed her first smile of the morning. Even concern for Rory couldn't quite wipe out her happiness at having worked things out with Luke at last.
"What else would we do for breakfast? Don't take too long or I might have to go without you!"
Rory rolled her eyes and headed for the bathroom.
She was a little nervous about being out and about in Stars Hollow. Whatever Lorelai said about it being a small town, people couldn't possibly know what she'd done- at least not yet. Rory knew that it was likely Lindsay would suspect something had happened- she'd probably suspected something for a while. But Rory's image was whiter than white, so people wouldn't jump to conclusions and brand her a scarlet woman. Not until there was some evidence, anyway, like an officially broken marriage.
She was almost silent in the diner, just ordering coffee. She missed the looks that were passing between her mother and Luke, and even Lorelai was quiet, trying to work out what her daughter was thinking.
"I brought you a muffin- just in case you change your mind. All that coffee on an empty stomach's not a good idea," Luke said, eyeing both girls in concern. He was really worried when neither of them rose to his baiting about the coffee.
"What's- "he started but Lorelai shook her head at him.
"Thanks Luke" Rory said. He raised his eyebrows at Lorelai and dropped a kiss on her head before retreating to the relative safety of the counter.
Rory picked at her muffin while Lorelai did her best with her breakfast. Every time a shadow passed the window Rory flinched, and when the door opened, she jumped. Fortunately breakfast passed without major interruption and she was able to escape.
"I'm going home," she said, grabbing her coat and trying to exit as quickly as possible.
"I'll come with you," Lorelai said, reaching for her own jacket.
"No- I think the walk will do me good."
In normal circumstances Lorelai would have made a joke about the things that could happen when her daughter was left alone in the house, but this really wasn't the time. Rory needed to figure things out on her own.
Rory was thinking about all the boys there had been in her life- not that there were many. Dean was her first love, before she could even say the words, before she understood what love was. That was why it was right that he still belonged to her, would belong to her despite everything. Then again, had it ever been love if she didn't know what that was when she'd been with him? She'd certainly thought about other guys when she was with him- first Tristan, then Jess. She'd had no doubt that she was in love with Jess. She'd always thought there was meant to be something more than what she felt with Dean- it was sweet and safe and comfortable, but shouldn't it have been more exciting than that?
Well, it wasn't lacking danger and excitement now. Sex with a married man seemed to epitomise both words. There was danger in the unknown and there must have been excitement- she'd have resisted if she'd been able to. Surely.
She was almost home when she heard his voice behind her.
"Rory, wait!"
She turned round, looking at him almost curiously.
"Are you ok?" He was half smiling at her, nervous but eager, the way he'd always been around her.
"Are you still married?" She heard her own words and saw the smile fade. She looked at his wedding ring and wondered again what she'd done.
"Rory, you know what I want....."
She stared at him. "Dean, I don't know what I want. How could I possibly know what you want? And maybe it's not all about what we want- you have commitments and responsibilities." She couldn't bring herself to say wife.
His face hardened. "Rory, I know what I want. I know what I've always wanted. And if you weren't too messed up to work out for yourself what you wanted we wouldn't be in this mess now. Let me know when you do."
He turned and started to walk away, hoping she'd stop him. Instead she started to cry and ran the rest of the way home. Wasn't she supposed to feel closer to him after last night? Why didn't she feel that her life would be incomplete unless she had him in her bed? Why didn't she want him in that way this morning? She tore the sheets from her bed and flung them in the washing machine.
She should have felt loved when she saw him again, even if last night hadn't been perfect. She should have felt that they were invincible together. But she didn't. There was a block between them now, and it wasn't just Lindsay. Sex had changed everything, just not in the way she'd imagined.
Suddenly she felt claustrophobic, not just in the house but at the idea of spending the whole summer in Stars Hollow, with a disapproving mother wrapped up in Luke. She took a deep breath as she picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Grandma? May I come and stay with you for a while?" She rushed the words out before she could change her mind, knowing she wasn't thinking entirely clearly but determined to take some action.
"Rory? Are you all right?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I just felt like a break after finals before I look for a job."
"Well of course, dear, I'd be delighted, but it won't be Hartford. I'm leaving for Martha's Vineyard tomorrow- it'll be a lovely vacation for you. Have your mother leave you here in the morning."
"Thanks, Grandma. I'll see you then."
"I'll look forward to it."
Rory hung up the phone and breathed a sigh of relief. Running away might not be the most mature decision, but it would give her some time out, and right now it seemed like the only option.
She had forgotten the problems between her grandparents, but her forehead wrinkled as she realised her grandmother had only said she was going to Martha's Vineyard. Rory smiled wryly to herself. The idea of sharing an emotional recovery holiday with Emily, while Lorelai stayed at home with her boyfriend, would have been funny if it hadn't been so disturbing. She poured another coffee and sat down to make a list.
It was a while before Lorelai returned and, in spite of everything, even Rory could see the happiness in her mother's eyes.
"You ok, sweetheart?"
"I saw Dean." Rory knew there was nothing left to hide.
Lorelai took a breath, hoping she would sound in control.
"And? How was that?" Try as she would, she couldn't quite keep the edge out of her voice.
"Pretty awful. I told him I couldn't know what he wanted, and I didn't know what I wanted, so he walked away. I came home and I'm going to Martha's Vineyard with Grandma for a while."
"You're going to hell?"
Rory glared at her. Lorelai laughed. "Ooops. I'm sorry. Wrong choice of words. I haven't reached that level of judgement yet.....wait a moment- isn't Dad going too?"
"I don't think so. She didn't mention him and I kind of forgot to ask."
"This cannot be good. Although - wait- my mother and my daughter nursing broken hearts together- no, it may be funny, but still not good."
Rory glared again. "No, seriously, sweetheart, I think this is the smartest decision you've made in a while. Getting out of town is probably the best thing you could do right now. Not that I won't miss you...."
"You won't! You'll have Luke to play with."
"Mmm. Playing with Luke- how soon are you going?"
"Eeew! Why do you have to say things like that?"
"After the scene I had to deal with last night, you deserve it."
Rory looked sad. "I'm sorry. Nothing was the way I'd planned- not that I'd planned it."
"I know."
Lorelai hugged her daughter. She couldn't admit it, but she was relieved that Rory and Dean weren't exactly an item, whatever it meant for Rory's memories of her first time. Losing her virginity may have been a big deal, but doing it with the wrong guy was definitely not as bad as being trapped with the wrong guy for the rest of her life. Lorelai was fairly sure Dean was the wrong guy, and it wasn't just the wedding ring that made her think so. What was more, i f- and she felt it was a big if- Lindsay and Dean did get divorced, she didn't want Rory involved as the other woman. She was the most innocent mistress Lorelai could imagine. Or maybe that was just what she wanted to believe.