"Forgive Me"

by AHGrayLensman

Disclaimers: Evangelion and associated characters are property of Gainax. The lyrics of of "Understanding" (Evanescence/Ben Moody & Amy Lee) are similarly the property of their respective authors. Please don't sue me for borrowing from them a little.

"Spoken"
'Thought'
/ Mental image /

Rated R for profanity, mature themes, and sexual references.

Many thanks to faithanne for pre-reading this.

In my time at NERV, I saw and heard some pretty horrific things. None
of those things, absolutely none, compared with Shinji's scream when he
found the ruin of Eva Unit-02. It was the scream of someone who has had
absolutely everything worth holding onto in their life torn away from them
before their very eyes, and it still haunts my nightmares from time to time.

When the Mass Production Evangelions captured Unit-01 and initiated
Third Impact a few minutes later, I remember quite vividly that
Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki said something to the effect of "The fate of
humanity now rests in the hands of Shinji Ikari." At the time, I couldn't
think of anything more horrible to say. It was not that I had a poor opinion
of Shinji's abilities -- quite the opposite! -- but rather the impolitic cruelty
(to borrow a phrase from Jane Austin) of forcing such a huge burden on
someone so young who had already suffered so much.

When he said that, I looked at Shigeru and asked him if we'd done the
right thing. His reply was suitably cryptic for a NERV officer: "How the hell
should I know?"

Dr. Maya Ibuki, Ground Zero at Third Impact, Tokyo-2 University Press, 2023

Asuka found herself sitting on what felt like a folding chair in a darkened room. It was a welcome, if somewhat confusing, change for a girl whose last memory was the excruciating pain of being synchronized with the Evangelion which held her mother's soul as it was dismembered.

'Where am I? I thought... I'd died? Is this Heaven? Maybe it's Hell?'

Suddenly a spotlight shown down on her. In the glare, she could see the familiar silhouette of a girl roughly her own age...

"Rei!" Asuka asked tentatively.

"Pilot Soryu," Rei said quietly, nodding.

'You're dead!'

"Is this Heaven, or Hell?" Asuka asked.

"Neither." Rei replied flatly.

"Well, if this isn't Heaven or Hell, exactly where are we?" Asuka asked with a certain amount of frustration.

Rei sighed softly before she answered. "You misunderstand. We are both still alive. However, Third Impact has been initiated, and all human souls are merging together. This is what Commander Ikari has had in mind all along. This is Instrumentality."

"But wait... Rei, I saw your Eva explode! How can you still be alive?"

"The Rei Ayanami you knew was the second. I am the third."

"What!" Asuka asked incredulously.

"I am the third version of a genetically engineered being, created by fusing the DNA of Dr. Yui Ikari and Lillith, the Second Angel," Rei replied. "However, that is not important now. Through Lilith, Ikari has been given control of mankind's destiny in Instrumentality. He can choose whether all souls will continue to merge together or return to separate existences."

"Well, that's just great! Once again, the fate of the human race is in the hands of that bonehead!"

Rei sighed again. "I sometimes wonder why Ikari cares for you so much, when you obviously think so little of him."

Asuka was furious. "If Shinji cares about me so fucking much, why were you the one who saved me when that thing raped my mind? And why didn't he come when I was fighting the Eva series!"

The answer to her second question immediately flashed before them, as if projected on a movie screen:

/ Unit-01's cage filled with Bakelite. Shinji huddled in a corner, hugging his knees and weeping in grief and frustration. Maya's voice: "Shinji, Unit-02! Asuka is... Oh God, Asuka!" Unit-01 finally smashing free of its own accord, almost crushing Shinji in the process. /

"He couldn't get to his Eva?" Asuka asked quietly.

"No, he could not," Rei replied flatly, "even though Major Katsuragi gave her life to ensure that he made it there safely."

"Misato is... dead?" Asuka muttered, not quite grasping the enormity of what she said.

Rei seemingly ignored her reaction. "Ikari cares for you, but he also fears you. He fears that you will toy with him and then reject him, as you have before."

"I've never..." Asuka started to reply, until she thought back to their abortive kiss on the anniversary of his mother's death. "How did you know?"

Another vision flashed before them. At first, Asuka thought she was seeing her and Shinji's kiss from a third-person point of view, but something about it wasn't quite right:

/ A ghost-Asuka railing at Shinji: "You don't understand anything. Just stay away from me! " /

/ Shinji, sheepishly: "I do understand..." /

/ The ghost-Asuka, railing again: "You couldn't possibly, you moron! You really think you can ever know me? You think you can even help me! I can't believe how arrogant you are! You will never understand me!" /

"That... that isn't how it happened!" Asuka cried out.

/ Shinji, frustrated: "How can I ever understand you if you won't say anything? You never talk to me, but you expect me to understand you... That's impossible!" /

/ Ghost-Asuka, enraged: "Idiot! I know all about your little jerk-off fantasies of me. Go ahead and do it like you always do... I'll even stand here and watch! If I can't have you all to myself, then I don't want anything from you." /

"That's not the real me..." Asuka muttered, as the scene began to change into something more like the argument that had driven her from their apartment.

/ Shinji, more forcefully: "Then try being nice to me for a change. You're just hiding behind that smile, intentionally keeping things ambiguous! Nobody seems to care if I live or die... For God's sake, just give me a kind word! Don't leave me alone! I want to help you, Asuka... I want to be with you." /

/ Ghost-Asuka: "Then don't do anything. Don't come near me. All you ever do is hurt me." /

/ Shinji, desperate: "Asuka, please help me! You're the only one who can!" /

/ The ghost-Asuka, cruelly: "Liar. Anyone will do... You don't care who it is! You're afraid of Misato and the First Child! You're afraid of your father and mother, too! So now you come running to me, because that's the easiest way to avoid being hurt! You've never even loved yourself... You're all you have, and you've never even learned to like yourself!" /

"That's not the real me!" Asuka cried frantically.

"But it is the real you," Rei replied. "It is the only 'you' that you have willingly allowed Ikari to see, and it is that part of you which he fears."

/ Shinji, increasingly agitated: "Help me. Somebody, please help me. Help me... Don't leave me alone! Don't kill me!" /

/ Ghost-Asuka, coldly: "No." /

/ Shinji, enraged, begins to throttle the ghost-Asuka: "Nobody has ever cared about me me... so they can all just die." /

"He hates me..." Asuka said dejectedly.

"He is hurt and afraid," Rei replied gently. "He fears that everyone for whom he has ever cared has deserted him."

More visions flashed before them in rapid succession:

/ A makeshift control room. Gendo Ikari, Fuyutsuki, and an older woman crowd around a terminal. A small boy leans against the glass of the observation bay window, his look of joy turning to horror as his mother is taken from him before his eyes. /

/ A train station. A small boy crying. Abandonment. Fear. The beginnings of self-hatred and detachment. /

/ A silver-haired boy with red eyes. Acceptance. Love...? Betrayal. Indecision. A tightening of the hand, and a sickening splash. Guilt. /

/ A hospital room. Loneliness. Desperation. A well-meaning act that goes too far. Loss of self-control. Pleasure followed by self-loathing. /

/ An elevator door opening. Misato, badly wounded. Words of encouragement. A kiss, and the promise of more to come. The elevator door closing. The muffled sound of an explosion. /

Despite all her attempts at self-control, tears streamed down Asuka's face. "Rei, he's going to let us all die, isn't he...?" she asked fearfully.

Rei shook her head. "He thinks that the life he has experienced is the only route his life could have taken. You and I can show him another possibility."

Asuka took a split second to compose herself before quietly saying, "Tell me what I have to do."

Asuka found herself outside the apartment... only somehow, she knew she didn't live there. She knocked on the door, and it was answered by a woman in her late thirties who bore a striking resemblance to Rei. "Good morning, Asuka. Shinji's not up yet... You can go in and wake him if you want.

"OK, thanks Mrs. Ikari!" Asuka replied cheerfully as she headed into Shinji's room. She was just about lean over him and yell in his ear when he rolled over to face her and opened his eyes. "It's about time you woke up, stupid!"

"Oh, Asuka, it's just you..." Shinji replied between yawns.

"Just me?" Asuka roared. "I come over here every morning to make sure that you aren't late for school, and this is what passes for gratitude from you!"

"Yeah, thanks, whatever," Shinji said dismissively as he rolled over. "Just let me sleep a little longer."

"Get up, you lazy bum!" Asuka yelled as she grabbed Shinji's bedding and started to drag it off of him. To her chagrin, at least part of him appeared to be up... "You pervert! I didn't mean to get that up!"

"Hey, it's morning! I need to take a leak or something..." Shinji shot back in embarassment.

'This is kind of fun... He's actually standing up for himself for once!'

Asuka could hear Shinji's parents chuckling to themselves in the dining room as he got dressed and she continued chiding him. "Come on stupid, hurry up! We're gonna be late!"

"Jeez Asuka, you're being such a pain in the ass this morning... Did you start your period today or something?"

"What?" she yelled as she slapped him semi-playfully.

'OK, fun or not, that was out of bounds!'

"Mrs. Ikari, we're leaving now!" Asuka called cheerfully as she and Shinji headed out the door. Shinji mumbled something probably intended for his mother as Asuka pushed him out the door. Once they got down the stairs, Asuka looked at her watch and immediately broke into a run as she realized that they were likely to be late after all. Shinji also started to run, trying to keep up with her.

"Hey, isn't there supposed to be a new transfer student starting today?" Shinji asked breathlessly as they kept running.

"Yeah, there are a lot of new people moving here because this city's going to be the new capital," Asuka replied.

"I wonder what she's like," Shinji said dreamily. "I hope she's cute!" Asuka couldn't help scowling at that.

'Damn it, you are my Shinji! I refuse to share!'

As Asuka reached the end of a block and began to run across the crosswalk, she caught a flash of movement in her peripheral vision. She looked back, just in time to see Shinji collide bodily with a girl about their age with shoulder-length blue hair who was coming from the other way. Asuka stopped and went back to make sure Shinji was alright. The other girl appeared to have landed on her butt with her legs splayed out such that, intentionally or otherwise, Shinji got a pretty good look at the girl's underwear as she picked herself up off the ground.

"Sorry, gotta run! I'm really sorry!" the other girl said breezily as she scampered off in the direction of their school.

"Wow..." Shinji said dreamily as he watched her run off. Asuka simply growled disgustedly to herself.

'Hellooooo, which part of "my Shinji" was unclear?'

Somehow, Asuka and Shinji managed to make it to their classroom with a couple minutes to spare. Shinji of course wasted no time in recounting the "collision incident" to his fellow stooges Kensuke and Toji, who listened in rapt attention.

"What!" Toji exclaimed excitedly as Shinji got to the climax of his tale. "Did you see her panties?"

"Well, it wasn't a really good look," Shinji replied with a sly look on his face. "Just a little flash."

"Jeez, you have all the luck!" Toji said. "Why can't I ever... ow!" he screeched as Hikari grabbed him by the ear. "What'd you do that for?"

"Mr. Suzahara, just what were you talking about, anyway?" Hikari barked in her official Class Representative voice. "Now go change the water in the flower vase!"

"You're so mean..." Toji whined as he went off to do his assigned punishment.

"What was that?" Hikari sniffed. Asuka, who had been watching the whole sequence of events unfold from the seat behind Shinji, was heartily amused.

"Hikari has Toji wrapped around her little finger," Shinji mused out loud.

"Look who's talking..." Asuka muttered as she rolled her eyes.

"Are you saying that I'm easily manipulated?" Shinji asked in reply.

"Nope," Asuka retorted, "merely stating the obvious."

"How do you figure that?" Shinji shot back.

"It just is," Asuka answered with a smirk, "so get over it!"

"What did I do to deserve this?" Shinji asked of no one in particular.

Any further bickering was cut short of the sound of squealing tires and brakes outside, announcing that their teacher had finally arrived. "Hey, it's Miss Misato!" one of the boys in the class called out, and all the boys started rushing toward the windows.

'Only three minutes late today... That must be some kind of new record for her.'

This had become something of a morning ritual in classroom 2-A. Their new teacher was female, in her late 20s, beautiful... and perpetually late. Every morning she came roaring into school five to ten minutes late, and every morning virtually every boy in her class would rush to the windows to "greet" her as she walked into the building. Most of the boys were none too subtle about the fact that they just were trying to look down her blouse to catch a glimpse of her (reportedly impressive) cleavage.

Asuka and Hikari looked at each other and said in unison, "What a bunch of shameless perverts!"

A few minutes later, Miss Misato entered the room, whereupon Hikari immediately ordered the class to stand and bow. As the students returned to their seats, Miss Misato motioned to someone standing in the hall. "Listen up, gang! We have a new transfer student this morning, and I want you all to make her feel welcome."

Asuka's jaw dropped as the new girl walked in, and from the corner of her eye she could see Shinji do the same. It was the same blue-haired girl that had plowed Shinji over earlier. "I'm Rei Ayanami. Nice to meet you all!" the girl said cheerfully... then she caught sight of Shinji. "You! You're the pervert who was looking up my skirt this morning!"

"Hey, that's not fair!" Asuka shot back. "You practically flashed him!"

"Who're you to come to his defense, Red? Are you two an item or something?" the new girl responded slyly.

Asuka pulled back in a rare state of embarassment. "Well, I... you see, we're just good friends..."

"Hey, we're in the middle of class!" Hikari interjected. "Please be quiet."

'Whoa, that was close! Thanks, Hikari.'

"No, this is just starting to get interesting," Miss Misato said, "Please continue!"

'Aw, crap...'

And so it continued, Shinji slouching further and further in an attempt to hide underneath his desk as the girls' war of words escalated...

Asuka found herself back in the darkened room, next to Rei. The screen in front of them began to fracture and crumble. She thought she could hear Shinji's voice in the distance: "I understand now. This is another possibility for me, one that doesn't require me to pilot the Eva. Maybe reality's not so bad..."

"Ikari has chosen," Rei said with a contented smile. "Humanity can return to individual existences if they wish, starting with you and him."

The space between Asuka and Rei began to widen, as if they were somehow drifting apart.

"Pilot Soryu... Asuka, please take care of Ikari," Rei continued, her tone becoming more insistent and concerned. "He may be... confused by some of the things he saw during Instrumentality. He will need your help."

"Rei, you're going back too, aren't you?"

Rei sighed again. "Perhaps some day, but for now I must remain here and help those who wish to return find their way back. That will be my penance for my part in Third Impact."

"You love him, don't you?" Asuka asked hesitantly.

"Of course," Rei replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "At a genetic level, he is my brother."

Asuka was so surprised by Rei's straightforward admission that, for just a second, she had to wonder if she'd somehow wandered onto the set of a Star Wars movie when she hadn't been paying attention.

"What he feels for you is much stronger than what he feels for me, though," Rei continued as she started to fade from view. "It was the possibility of being with you that convinced him to return..."

When Asuka came back to herself, the first things she noticed were the insistent pressure on her windpipe and the burning sensation in her lungs. Through the haze covering her remaining eye's vision, she could make out a blurry image of Shinji kneeling over her, his hands wrapped around her throat. His face wore the same rictus of hate he had during the horrific parody of their last argument that she'd seen during Instrumentality.

'Shinji, please, that wasn't the real me! Please don't do this!'

The pressure on her neck was unrelenting.

'Shinji, please... I'm sorry! I swear I'll be nice to you from now on... Please don't do this!'

Summoning the last of her strength, Asuka reached up with her mangled right hand -- somehow, inexplicably bandaged -- and touched Shinji's face gently. She felt the pressure on her throat lessen, then release altogether. Something wet fell on her cheek, and she could hear Shinji sob and begin to weep as he got off of her.

'He's... crying?'

"Feel... sick..." Asuka whispered hoarsely after taking in a deep breath. She lay on her back for a few minutes, just breathing in and out. Finally she sat up and looked at Shinji, who was sitting off to one side of her, crying softly.

Shinji looked at her in terror and began to scoot back away from her. "Asuka, I'm so sorry... I don't know what came over me... I... I should go..." He stood up and made as if he were about to run away.

"Shinji, please don't go..." Asuka said loudly as she could, which was barely above a whisper. "Please don't leave me alone."

Shinji froze in his tracks and slowly turned around. "I could've killed you... and while you were in the hospital, I..."

"I know," Asuka replied hoarsely, cutting him off. "It's OK. I know you didn't mean for it to happen, and I... I don't want to be alone right now. Please don't go."

Shinji sat back down warily, making sure to keep some distance between her and himself.

"You know, you could sit a little closer if you wanted. I don't bite... much," Asuka said with a slight smile. Shinji moved a couple feet closer, but he stayed out of her arm's reach. Part of her desperately wanted to tease him about that, but she was afraid he was in such a fragile state that she might drive him away for good if she wasn't very careful.

They sat there for a while looking at each other, neither saying anything, just taking comfort in each other's presence.

Asuka finally broke the comfortable silence with a question that had been bothering her ever since she woke up: "Shinji, do you hate me?"

"No, of course not!" he replied.

"Well, I would understand if you did," Asuka said with a tinge of sadness on her voice. "It's not like I've ever been all that nice to you."

"Yes you have!" he responded, almost indignantly. "You made that SDAT for me while I was trapped in Unit-01, didn't you?"

Asuka was completely taken aback. "You never said anything about it, so I just assumed you didn't like it..."

"No, I love it! I never said anything because, well, the time never seemed right..."

They lapsed back into comfortable silence for a while, each of them ruminating on the possibilities opened by this exchange. Shinji pulled his SDAT player out of his pocket and looked at it with a small, contented smile.

Shinji's smile faded away as he spoke again. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to help when you were fighting the Eva series. I tried, but there was nothing I could do..."

'You know, I could've gone the rest of my life without being reminded of that.'

Asuka winced and fought back the urge to say something nasty. "Shinji, it's... it's OK. You did your best."

"But it wasn't good enough! When I finally got the the surface and saw what'd happened, I... I thought I'd lost you..." He sobbed as he hung his head, tears streaming down his face again.

Asuka moved next to Shinji and put her uninjured hand on his shoulder. "Shinji, look at me," she said quietly. He raised his head slightly, just enough to make eye contact with her. "You haven't lost me; I'm right here. See?" she asked. He nodded quickly, seemingly afraid to do anything else.

They settled into silence again, although it was decidedly less comfortable than the previous two instances. Not wanting to let it deepen too much, Asuka was once again the one to break the silence: "I'm cold... Can I lean against you to warm up and get some sleep if I promise not to tease you about being such a pervert?"

"Y...yeah," Shinji replied, his voice a roughly equal mix of excitement and fear.

Shinji moved so that his back was braced against a nearby post. Asuka sat down just in front of him and leaned back, allowing her head to rest on his left shoulder. Shinji gasped audibly in surprise when she reached around with her good hand and pulled his left arm around her waist, then wrapped her left hand around his. A satisfied smile drifted across Asuka's face as she began to get comfortable.

'This is... nice. I think I could get used to this.'

After a while, Shinji shifted a bit and disengaged his hand so he could put the earphones for his SDAT player in his ears. "Can I listen too?" Asuka asked quietly. Shinji wordlessly replied by handing her the left earpiece. He returned his arm to its former position around her waist, and the fingers of their left hands knit together again.

Asuka relaxed further as she heard the words to her favorite of the songs that she had put on Shinji's SDAT, seemingly an eternity ago:

Lying beside you,
Listening to you breathe;
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me.

Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound.
Tell me you will live through this,
And I would die for you.

Cast me not away,
Say you'll be with me,
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone.

Asuka and Shinji both soon drifted off into the first completely undisturbed sleep either had experienced in months.

We found Shinji and Asuka the next day, sitting together by the shore of
the sea of LCL. At the time, no one was quite sure what happened, but
we knew that they had somehow managed to stop Instrumentality before
it destroyed humanity forever.

I don't know what took place between Shinji and Asuka in Instrumentality.
Neither of them like to talk about it, and I wasn't close enough to them to
see for myself. I do know this, though: they've scarcely left each other's
sides since then. For me, that speaks volumes.

Maya Ibuki, Ground Zero at Third Impact

THE END

AUTHOR'S NOTES: That's it, folks; this is the end of the "Understanding" story arc. Thanks for reading this far; I hope you've enjoyed it.