Disclaimer: see part 1.

When All That's Left is Stillness

By Random1377

Part 8

My plug suit pressurizes with a soft hiss, pulling close against my body. Normally, I would stand and go immediately to the EVA cages… but today my thoughts are in turmoil, so I simply sit and stare straight ahead, my forefinger still resting on the pressurization switch at the plug suit's wrist.

The Second has already left, brushing past me without so much as a second look and muttering that she would rather change in the women's bathroom than breathe the same air as me, so I am alone.

Always alone.

The basis of my rage suddenly becomes clear and sharp as I think of that one, single word. I hate being alone. I should not be alone. I do not deserve to be alone.

Have I always felt this way? I do not even know. I am so used to blocking my feelings that I cannot even remember stopping to think about my living conditions, or the fact that I am the only 14 year old I know that lives by herself. Suppression is no longer effective. I'm scared now – scared that I want more. I don't WANT to feel that I do not have enough. I've never felt this way before. I don't like it.

Gathering up every bit of my control, I will myself NOT to care.

Slowly rising to my feet, I nod. It seems to have worked. The stillness that has served me for so long is still within reach. I do not have to feel any way I do not wish to feel – I am the one in control – that is what the Commander taught me. He said, 'You, above everyone on this planet, must learn control. You are the one carrying the burden, Rei. All of mankind is relying on you, and the bond you share with EVA stretches to each and every living soul. Do not let them down, Rei… do not let me down.'

I will not, Commander… I just wish-

No. No I will not allow myself to think these thoughts anymore. Ikari is not for me. Attraction is not for me. Companionship is not for me. Uncertainty is not for me.

There must only be my will, my destination, and my purpose. I must let nothing else matter to me.

Confident that I am safe within my shell of detachment once more, I make my way to the locker room door… and with the push of a button, everything I have built comes crashing right back down.

"Ayanami, er…"

"I-Ikari. Why are you… here…?"

"I, umm…"

"…yes?"

"G-ganbatte, Ayanami…"

He leaves before I can reply… not that I would have known how, had I been given the opportunity. How? How is it that I was entirely isolated less than thirty seconds ago, and after a mere two words, I am prepared to chase Ikari down the hall and beg him to spend time with me?

Taking a calming breath, I follow him to the EVA cages, finding all three Units already being moved into position for launch. For this mission, we will be dispersed through the valley outside of Tokyo-3 under full combat preparedness. Our target is unknown at this time, so we have been given directions to observe and await orders before engaging.

It is all I can do to acknowledge Miss Ibuki's sketched description of what to expect before I am marching reluctantly towards Unit 00's entry plug to await insertion. I steal a glance at Ikari, and to my surprise, he does not avert his gaze. Instead, he raises his hand in a timid wave, then hurries into his plug, not allowing me a chance to wave back.

"Rei… you're blushing. Are you and Shinji, umm… did you guys get together…?"

"N-no, Miss Ibuki, we did not."

"Are you GOING to?"

"I… do not know."

"Well, if you need any help, let me know. I think you guys would make a great couple."

"I see."

"Heh… I like you, Rei… you're kind of hard to talk to, but I still like you. Oh, sorry, that was a little forward of me wasn't it? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I just, well, oh forget it, we can talk about it later if you want– you should get into the plug before the Commander gets upset."

"…yes."

More confusion.

I climb into the plug, trying to relax into the pilot's seat as Miss Ibuki's words echo in my ear. Since when am I so appealing to others?

If she likes me so much, why hasn't she ever made an attempt to get to know me, as Hikari has? I know that much of the reason I am friendless is personal choice and my lack of ability and desire to make the effort to respond to people, but for some reason I find Miss Ibuki's comment upsetting. She knows me even better than Hikari, and has for much longer… so if she wanted to befriend me, what has been stopping her?

Perhaps… because she knows I like Ikari? Is it THAT important that I like him that people are more willing to express themselves to me? Or is it because I like anyone at all? Or does Miss Ibuki-

I signal my readiness to launch, bracing myself as Unit 00 is catapulted to the surface and doing my best to shake off these troubling, increasingly irrational thoughts.

We have been given different destinations. The Second takes point. Ikari brings up the rear. I am assigned the middle, stationed several miles between the two. I understand the strategy of preparing for combat in three locations, but for some reason I find that I would rather be near Ikari.

Dismissing the notion as a fabrication of my scattered thoughts, I await my next order, listening to the chatter on the tac-net.

"What? An explosion at Matsushiro? Is Misato ok?"

Ikari's voice, I decide, half-listening to the remainder of the conversation, is very feminine. He could easily be mistaken for a woman, if the person speaking to him did not know he was a boy. It is not UNpleasant, I find, and when I close my eyes, I can envision the way his lips move.

With a start, I realize that this is a little too stimulating, and I force myself to think of something else, shifting in my seat as if I was just caught staring at Ikari through a hole in the men's shower room wall.

Not that I would mind that, necess- no… no I will not think like this.

After several minutes of warring with my suddenly lewd thoughts, our target is brought onscreen, thankfully giving me something else to focus on.

Ikari gasps.

Somehow, though, I am unsurprised – as if I knew Evangelion Unit 03 would be taken. I am often hit with feelings of insight, usually regarding the angels, so I am not taken aback by my foreknowledge, but the fact that the status of the pilot is undeclared concerns me. He is Ikari's friend… and Hikari's intended.

How can I fight, with that information?

"You mean you still don't know who the pilot is??"

The Second's voice is cut off before she can tell Ikari the identity of the Fourth, and a moment later, the confirmation of Unit 02's status is broadcast over the Tac-net. The Commander tells me to prepare myself, instructing me to conceal myself behind a close by mountain.

Bringing my pallet rifle up, I wait for Unit 03 – now designated the thirteenth angel – to come into range. My thoughts churn and roll, but I suppress them.

This is not the time for doubt. This is not the time to be concerned for the feelings of a fellow pilot. This is not the time for fledgling emotions to override combat training and duty. The target staggers into view. I press myself tightly against my cover, watching through Unit 00's monitors as it walks past my location, seemingly unaware of my presence.

There will never be a better time.

Slowly, I bring my rifle around, locking onto the nape of the possessed Unit's neck. The entry plug is visible beneath a thick layer of some kind of organic webbing, and I know just from looking that it is not a dummy plug. The ejection was unsuccessful.

My targeting system confirms a ninety-five percent target lock. All I have to do is squeeze the trigger and the angel will die.

"But the pilot is…"

I hesitate.

It is a mistake.

The angel is on me before I can respond, executing an entirely graceless backward leap to come crashing down on Unit 00, bringing it to the ground as effortlessly as a child swatting a gnat. Almost immediately, I feel something… worming its way into my arm – Unit 00's arm – and I do not need Miss Ibuki's announcement to know that I have been compromised.

Pain is something I have grown used to in my life, but I cannot help crying out as Commander Ikari gives the order to sever Unit 00's arm, sending a mental relay of the sensation directly into my mind.

I clutch the imagined wound, trying my best not to whimper as my brain informs me that I am missing a limb. Through pain-hazed eyes I see the angel staring down at me, clearly trying to decide if I am worth killing. I can almost feel its confusion as it gazes at me.

What kind of enemy would mutilate one of its own soldiers? The question is in its eyes, and somehow, in my mind… but that must be my imagination, mustn't it? How could I know the thoughts of an angel?

"Unit 00 is down, Commander, it is unable to continue fighting."

"Time to Unit 01's location is less than five minutes, sir."

Failed. Once again I have failed. The angel is moving away, uncaring and unfeeling about the damage it is inflicting to the houses all around us. It is powerful, relentless, inhuman, and bent on the singular goal of destroying everything in its path. And now it is on its way towards headquarters, with only Ikari standing in its way. He will be hurt – possibly killed… because I was not able to fight properly.

Unacceptable.

"Commander! Unit 00 is trying to get up!"

"Rei, what are you doing? Stand down – now."

"No response sir, her communications system is set to receive only."

"Rei, what are you hoping to accomplish?"

"Still not replying sir. She's moving to engage. …can she beat it, Commander?"

"Hmph. Unit 00 is two generations behind Unit 03, and it's missing a limb. She doesn't have a chance."

The pain in my arm is almost unbearable, but it is nothing in comparison to the clenching of my heart and stomach. So much of me wants to lie down and ignore the angel entirely, but to do that would be to allow it to proceed uncheck to the place Ikari is defending, and I know… I know that he will not be able to harm the pilot, when all is said and done.

What, then, are my choices?

I force Unit 00 to its feet and engage its progressive knife, but before I can draw it, the angel is on me, whipping back around to face me and charging my position with an unearthly cry of rage. I sidestep, dodging its first attack. It presses… I backpedal.

Stopping the angel is all that matters. I must not allow it to pass me, because-

I am in love with Ikari.

Understanding hits harder than the angel's fists, making my heart momentarily stop. The world grays around me, and I barely avoid the angel's questing hands as I try to deny this simple notion. Why else would he be in my thoughts every day? Why else would his smile affect me so? Why else would I disobey orders to keep him from facing the pain of having to harm another human?

It seems that there is no other conclusion.

I am in love.

"The angel is outflanking Unit 00, Commander… she can't keep up. MAGI predict ninety percent probability that it will pin her between itself and the mountainside within two minutes."

"Commander – she's got her prog knife out. I think she-"

"She does not have a chance, Lieutenant… don't give her false hope. Rei, retreat at once – I am sending Unit 01 to your location to deal with the angel."

"Still no reply, sir."

"Mm…"

It hurts. Ikari… it hurts.

Love is supposed to be blissful, isn't it? Yet I feel as if I cannot get enough breath, and there is something gripping my heart so tightly that I am amazed it is able to beat. I want to see you. I want to talk to you. I want to have your arms around me. I want to hear your voice telling me that you feel for me what I feel for you.

Ikari… am I asking too much…?

"Unit 00 just lost its prog knife, Commander… the angel has her."

"Prepare to blow the other limbs and force-eject the pilot. Losing a second Unit to this angel is not an option, Lieutenant."

"Sir?"

"What is it?"

"Unit 00's back is to the mountain – if we eject her, she'll be k-"

"Irrelevant. If the angel tries to seize Unit 00, detonate any limbs necessary, Lieutenant."

"Yes, sir… I understand."

Yes… I am irrelevant. Yes, I am quiet. Yes, I am inexperienced at dealing with others.

But I will not allow Ikari to come to harm. Not so long as I have the power to stop it. I feel the angel's essence penetrating Unit 00's leg… and I see how I can beat it. There is only one option for me – one way to show that what I feel is more than simple infatuation.

God, forgive me.

Hikari, Forgive me.

Shinji… you, above all the others… forgive me for what I am going to do.

"Oh God – Commander! Unit 00-"

"Did you SEE THAT?!"

"Impressive."

The angel howls – more with anger than pain, I am sure – as I tear its shoulder compartment open and draw its progressive knife, bringing it down on the angel's right hand with all the force I can muster, pinning it to the mountainside. With one of its arms immobilized, we are more evenly matched, but I know that I am still outclassed in weight and power, so before it can pull the knife free I drop into a crouch and plant Unit 00's shoulder fin against the angel's stomach, triggering the close-assault weapons system.

The range is pointblank. I cannot miss.

"…forgive me."

Unit 03 shudders as the fifteen foot spikes enter its body, traversing the distance from its abdomen to its shoulders in less than a second and shooting a geyser of blood into the sky.

It is done.

"L-life signs from… from Unit 03's entry plug just zeroed, sir…"

"And the angel?"

"Incapacitated – but not destroyed. MAGI predict one point five minutes until it takes control of-"

"Sir! Unit 00's self-destruct system just went online!"

"…of course it did."

The burning pain in my leg intensifies as the angel tries desperately to take control before Unit 00 can self-destruct… but I know it will not succeed. Peripherally, I am aware of the fact that I am going to die, but it seems so irrelevant now.

For a moment, I held all that was precious between my fingers. I understood that love is not about how good you feel, it is about what you are willing to do to save the one care most for – to save THEM from feeling pain.

And now I must pay for what I have done. I accept the repercussions of what I have done to Suzuhara, and though there was no alternative, I know that there is no way Hikari will be able to understand why it had to be when she finds out what happened. Suzuhara would not have survived the battle under any circumstance… but that is not how Hikari will see it. All she will be able to see is the fact that I was the one who took him from her.

I lean back in my seat and close my eyes. Ikari? Will you blame me? I only did it to save you. My life is worthless – hollow… but in knowing you, I was able to at least get close to some semblance of normalcy. I broke free of my cocoon – if only for a moment – and spread wings I was not even aware I possessed… because of you.

To have lived – to have TRULY lived…

I count myself lucky.

"Can she be ejected?"

"Negative, sir, her back is still to the mountain. The angel fell against her, and she doesn't have the power or the leverage to move it."

"Fifteen seconds, Commander – her core is collapsing… it's past critical."

"Rei!"

I shoot forward in my seat. Ikari? I had forgotten that he was listening to the fight. I have to open a channel – I cannot die until I have told him that I-

Heat.

Unbearably bright, white light.

Ikari's smile.

Burning… fading into comfortable warmth.

Stillness.

Darkness.

Voices.

"Is it done?"

"Yes, sir… we've got her."

"Excellent. Memories are current to the last session?"

"Yes, but in examining the remains of the… other one, we found high traces of adrenaline. It was scared, sir, scared of dying. It seems that the abnormality we detected at the initial release was actually a hormonal imbalance."

"Mm. Well it is an imperfect science, I suppose. Do you anticipate the same problem with this unit?"

"No, sir, it seems within normal parameters."

"And the Third?"

"He still doesn't know who the pilot was. It seems that the Major felt it would be in everyone's best interest to keep it from him as long as possible."

"Sound judgment."

"…I'm fine, thank you for asking."

"Don't be petulant."

"Screw you! I have every right to-"

"Get a hold of yourself, Doctor. You got a little bump on the head, don't go trawling for sympathy from me – there were lives lost. Count yourself lucky yours was not one of them, and move on!"

"Yes sir…"

"Excellent. Drain LCL and proceed with release."

Darkness again.

Soft fabric under my back.

Slowly, I open my eyes and rise to a sitting position. Where am I? Hospital? Yes… but why?

"Rei."

"Oh, Commander… I did not see you."

"Mm."

"Why am I in this place?"

"There was an angel."

"I see."

"You destroyed it."

"Did I?"

"Indeed."

"Mm."

"Well done."

"Thank you, sir."

"Unit 00 was lost."

"I see."

"You are to consider yourself a backup pilot until another Unit is completed."

"Understood."

He seems on the verge of asking me something, but ultimately he simply rises to his feet and leaves the room, giving me the opportunity to take in my surroundings. Another hospital room… the same as all the rest. Nothing outstanding. Nothing unusual. Nothing out of place.

Odd… the same description could be used for me.

There is a knock at my door.

"Umm… Rei?"

"Hello, Ikari."

He seems confused – as if he expected another response… though I cannot understand why he would.

"Did umm… did you still want to talk?"

"About?"

"Er, I… n-never mind…"

"Goodbye."

"B-bye."

He leaves quickly, casting a confused, slightly hurt look my way. I do not understand. What have I done to offend him? I was not discourteous, or impolite. I did not go out of my way to insult him, as the Second does… why should he be upset by my behavior? This is how I have always been.

I close my eyes as the vaguest memory of a smile flits through my memory. Did… Ikari smile at me in the classroom? When would that have been?

Shaking my head, I focus on my body, moving each of my fingers, then my arms, legs, and neck, ensuring that there is no residual damage from my battle with the angel. Nodding to myself, I turn my attention inward, allowing my feelings free for a moment to gauge how emotional I am.

Everything is in order.

There is no pain. There is no uncertainty. There is no rage.

There is only stillness.

How fortunate… am I.

Something hits the back of my hand. I blink, raising it to eye level and staring at the drop of moisture beading on my skin.

"Is this… a tear…?"

Slowly, I raise my other hand, touching my cheek and finding a long trail of dampness running from my eye all the way to my chin.

I am crying.

I have never cried before.

Why am I crying?

The angel was defeated, was it not? Unit 00 was lost, but the Commander did not seem upset. Unit 01 is intact, the Lance of Longinus is still in Terminal Dogma, there was only one casualty during the battle, and the scenario is still proceeding on schedule. I have no reason to be unhappy.

Why then, do I feel as if there is something I have forgotten?

I feel as if something is brushing at my memory, like the wings of a moth battering uselessly at a light bulb, but nothing is coming to the fore. Did I… lose something?

Leaning back in my bed, I carefully wipe the tears from my face. There is no use trying to think about it now. It is most likely a side effect of the battle, anyway. I close my eyes, pushing away the idea that there is something missing and drowning all extraneous thoughts in a sea of black emotionlessness until all that's left…

…is stillness.

The End

Author's notes: I said it was angst. But you know something? This ending actually hurt me to write. Really. So many people wanted it to be romance… and I really did too, but as the old saying goes: the story writes itself. I tried to force it to go that way, and even considered several ideas for a second story, but everything I tried seemed flat and forced – like trying to make a romantic sequel for Schindler's List… it just don't fit. I hope you liked the story anyway, as I think it came out pretty decently.

Thank you for reading.

No pre-reader was used for this story.

Feedback is always welcome on any page with reviewing capabilities, or by emailing me directly at random1377(at-sign)yahoo(dot)com.