Summary: Faith and Xander, both of them feel nothing for the other... right?
Notes: Takes place mid-season 3 but doesn't quite follow the events of the season, because half of it was finished during the fourth season/fifth season break. The song "I Wish I Felt Nothing" is by The Wallflowers.
I Wish I Felt Nothing
By Vixen
Say when you're alone
It's better 'cause nobody knows you
When no one's your friend
It's better 'cause nobody leaves you
Faith sat in the park, in the darkness, trying to avoid vampires. There was really no where she could go. It was late, and the airplane ticket for Mexico was for the next day. The mayor would miss her, maybe. Probably not, she sighed. Why would anyone miss her? She had f---ed with all of their lives. She had tried to kill Buffy, turn Angel evil, kill Willow; she had even kidnapped that girl once. Then there was the one she was the remorseful for, Xander.
She had used him ten times over. It had been a crazy time for her, not that the present time wasn't as messed up. She had lied to him, telling him she cared. Seducing him until he lost his virginity in her senselessness game.
So, here she was, alone. After murdering someone accidentally she had to leave. The council might find her, but for now Faith was leaving. She didn't need anyone, not the Scooby Gang, not the Mayor, she was her own person, god damn it. It would be better this way. It had to be. Everything would go back to the way it used to be, before she lost her family, before she became a slayer, before she became a murderer.
So you turned your back
On a world that you could never have
'Cause your heart's been cracked
And everyone else's is going mad
Xander left the Bronze early that night. His friends were still partying, but he just wasn't in his usual good mood. Buffy and Willow were discussing college life, and the courses they were considering taking. The college life wasn't an option to Xander, since it took both money and brain power to get in, both of which Xander was short of.
He decided, against better judgment to take a short cut through the park. His house was just on the other side, a quick five minutes away, with the use of the shortcut. Plus, Xander had a stake in case it got hectic, and the uglies came out to play.
Cordelia had been at the Bronze before, slutting it up with Mr. Football Player. Xander sighed, feeling the idiocies of his mistake. One kiss, well a couple of kisses, was all it took to take the woman of he loved away from him. Everyone by his hormones, his trespass on forbidden lips.
Then there had been Faith, another result of his hormones running wild. Well, her hormones had been out of control that night as well, but he could have stopped before the situation went out of control. Maybe he had wanted it to get out of control. Maybe that was the point. He smiled remembering her scent. The raw power she had possessed. But, if she had felt nothing, like she had made clear so many times before that night, then he would try to feel nothing as well.
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you
The corners of his mouth came up in a small smile as the unbidden, but not unwanted memories came to the surface.
Xander's car stopped right outside the motel. Faith and him exited the classic car Xander had gotten from his uncle. Walking up to the run down motel, still watching for any other creatures that might have followed them. Faith found her room and after pushing the door open, they entered her small spartan room.
Xander shut the door, alone with Faith, but still frightened about the demon they had just fought, "You think Demon Mama followed us?" He pushed the blinds away from the window, but say nothing.
Faith took off her jacket and threw it on the floor, "No, we're cool." She rubbed her aching arm, "The bitch dislocated my shoulder, though." Surprising Xander she adds, "Hold me."
After a moment he figured out what she wanted, and it wasn't to be close. She just wanted someone to help her fix her dislocated shoulder. There was a sickening snap as the bones returned to the right place.
Faith rotated her shoulder, "That's better." She paused, "She got me really wound up."
She walked up close to Xander, felt his chest, and looked into his eyes. "A fight like that and no kill, I'm about ready to pop." He felt her hands as they slid along his chest.
He suddenly became very nervous. He wanted her so badly, he had always had a thing for slayers. It was something about the way they carried themselves, so confident. "Really? Pop?!"
A coy little smile showed, she asked, "You up for it?" With one hand, she caressed his neck, trying to turn him on.
He nodded, apprehensively, "Oh, I'm up, I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um.." He tried to figure out a smart non-corny way to tell the more experienced woman, "I've never been up with people before."
Faith pushed a lock of her dark brown hair away from her face, and looked up at him with warm, arousing eyes; She kissed him; tongues collided in a mess of heated passion. She was using him, they both knew it, but it felt so good. Her hands started to take his clothes off. "Just relax... And take your pants off."
"Those two concepts are antithetical." Xander tried to regain control, but it was too late. He had been sucked into her web. Faith stroked his bare chest, her cool hand meeting with his warm body.
They kissed again, more deeply, more passionately. Xander had never been kissed like that before, not even with Cordelia. It left him wanting so much more. Faith pushed him on to her bed, shoving him back, blocking his escape. She sat on his stomach and pulled off her own shirt, "Don't worry...I'll steer you around the curves."
"Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?"
That night they made sex. Not love; only sex. It was Xander's first time, but not Faith's. As promised, she had shown him a thing or two. But she had only used him, throwing him out of the apartment when everything was done. With nothing more than a "That was great. I gotta shower." She closed the door on him.
Xander knew he shouldn't have felt anything, but he had. He still did, weeks later. Cordelia had been his first love, but Faith had been... something else.
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you
Xander stopped in his tracks, trying to still his rapidly beating heart. He was alone, in the park, a wonderful vampire feeding ground, with no weapons. So much for the short cut. There was another sound of leaves rustling. A twig being snapped.
Before he knew it he was being jumped by two mean looking vampires, one male and the other his dinner date. He tried to fight back, kicking and punching, but it was impossible. The big tall guy was soon pinning him to the ground, with his boot.
"Dinner's served," The evil vampire said to his blond girlfriend. She licked her full lips, thirsty for blood.
Before Xander had a chance to give a sarcastic retort, Faith ran out from the bushes. "Gee, look what we have here." She kicked the guy off of Xander. "Big Daddy Vampire and his slut." Xander backed away from the portentous battle.
"Slayer." The vampire said; his voice flat and without mercy.
"Oh, I guess you didn't get the newsletter: I'm out of the slayer's gig." She staked the female vamp that was closing in behind her. Turning back to the last adversary, "Still, I got some time for one last kill."
"You're a cocky little thing aren't you?" The vampire grinned at her. His smile faded too quickly. "You'll die for that."
Faith and the evil being fought, hand to hand, all the while Xander was standing by, not knowing why exactly he was staying near the danger. He should have just gotten away, his exits were clear; but something made him stay. He wanted to help, but didn't know how.
At last Faith drove the stake into the heart of her foe. Dust was all that remained. She started to leave, not wanting another confrontation with a member of the Scooby Gang.
"Wait. Faith." He called out to her. When she didn't reply he hurried to catch up with her. "Hey." He stood in front of her.
"Hi Xander, Bye Xander," She tried to leave.
"Ok, fine," He said dejectedly, "Just wanted to, you know, thank you for saving my life."
She spun on her heals, feeling hurt, "Look, I didn't come down here to prattle on with you, okay? I'm not having a swell night. I'm starved, freezing, tired, and I'm once again homeless" A tear fell down her face, unwillingly. Her voice broke a little, but she tried her best to remain in control. "Just go away."
"You could come home with me." He offered, gently.
Rebuilding the wall of strong independence, she sarcastically replied, "Oh, I'm sure you'd like that. One more night with good old Faith."
He shook his head a little, "Not like that. I just thought you might need a friend."
"I don't see any here." She crossed her arms in front of her, "Plus, I can take care of myself."
"Oh, yeah, that's really obvious with the running away and all."
She saw his point, but didn't want to, it just complicated things. A pang of hunger washed over her, having not eaten for two days. Life on the street wasn't fun. She needed a friend, she admitted, nodding. "Fine." She reached for an excuse, "I could use the sleep. And the food, if you have any."
Later that night, Faith and Xander were eating Chinese food take-out in his room. Faith was on the floor, while Xander sat on his unmade bed.
He watched Faith chow down on the fried rice like she had never eaten before, "Hungry?"
"Starved," Faith replied "Haven't been eating good the past week. Had to save for the plane ticket. Priorities."
Xander shook his head, with a sarcastic grin he said, "Yeah, cause not taking a trip to Tahiti would be so much worse than starving to death."
Faith finished the carton of rice and put it down on the floor. "For one-- I'm going to Mexico, not Tahiti, and for two-- when you live my life staying in one place too long is loads more deadly than not eating."
"I bet." He said simply.
"I need to go start a new life, ya know," She paused "No, I don't believe you would, cause you got the whole Scooby Gang and all. You wouldn't need a new life, I on the other hand, need to get away from certain things."
"It was an accident," Xander defended her honestly. She didn't believe it, but he did. Even though when it happened he wasn't there, Xander didn't think Faith could do something like that; she was rebellious and lost, but in his eyes, not a murderer.
"Even if it was," Her voice trailed off. Coming back stronger after a moment she said, "I'm guilty. I killed a man."
Xander didn't have any answer to that, and was surprised when Faith started crying. He had never seen her this way, letting down her defenses.
"Oh my god, I killed a man," The truth she had denied for weeks finally became so very real to her.
He didn't know what to do, or what to say so he just went over to Faith and held her.
"God, all this time I've been tellin' myself that my childhood was rough and the world owes me," She sobbed, "But, God, what did I do."
"Shh..." Xander tried to comfort her, "It's okay."
"No, it's not," She looked away. "It doesn't matter if my life's been bad, the fact that my parents weren't there for me isn't going to get me a `Get out of Jail Free' card. The fact that I'm a slayer isn't a good excuse. `I saw my watcher die' won't hold up in court either. I killed someone, and I'm going to jail."
Now all of these people
Come up from deep holes
Pullin' you down
And it's just no use
When all the abuse follows you down
Faith had stopped crying, rubbing the tears from her face quickly. The reputation as being tough had been tarnished. Somehow, though, it didn't matter to her anymore. The desire to be understood and to be truthful about her feelings mattered more than her reputation.
"I'm getting out of Sunnydale. Leaving in the morning. You know, you could come with me." Her brown eyes pleaded with him. Xander had helped hour out of the slump she had been in. Even after all she had done to him, and to his friends, he had been there for her.
"Faith, I can't," He sighed, standing up, "I've got a life here. People count on me.. sort of."
"Please, I, I just don't think I could face this alone. You were right, I do need someone to look out for me." She couldn't believe she was saying this. She put her hair up into a ponytail, looking more innocent then she felt.
Putting on a serious face, Xander replied, "You don't have to face this alone, you could stay here," Reverting to his non-serious nature he added, "Come on, I know you always wanted to be a member of the exclusive Scooby Gang."
Faith grunted, "Yeah, I'm sure your friends are just dyin' to hang with me. Maybe you still feel this big friendship with me, but Buffy-- Willow? Not likely." Silence came between them like a great divide, they both knew she was right. It was stupid to pretend that they could be together.
At that moment, Xander realized that he really did want to be with Faith. He felt important when he was with her, somehow she made him feel like more than the `Zeppo'. He laid back down on his bed. Slowly, not wanting to break some unwritten rule of `see-but-don't- touch' Faith laid down next to Xander, putting her head on his chest. They slept like that until the morning, at peace, but knowing it couldn't last.
By the morning you've gone
Leavin' me here all alone
Sayin' it's no mystery
I know that nobody here needs me
Sunlight filtered through Xander's blinds in the morning. As it reached across his bed, he awoke from his slumber. Remembering the night before, he glanced around the room, looking for Faith. She wasn't there.
The clock said it was noon. The plane Faith was taking left at a quarter past eleven. Most likely, she had been on the plane. What would she had stayed for?
He sighed, thinking, "She didn't even wake my up when she left." He could he had fallen in love with a person who didn't even care enough to say goodbye? Blame the hormones again. But the fact was that he loved her, and he couldn't or didn't want to change that.
And I know you believe that
you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care
Faith sat on the plane; she was safe now. The crimes she committed would go unanswered for while she lived it up in Mexico. Still, staring out the window, she didn't feel like she got the best end of the bargain.
"I gave up the only man that ever treated me right," She though, "For my freedom."
Fate was unfair, and so was life. She could have been with Xander, getting rid of the gloom that continually plagued her life, but that was impossible. The sides had been drawn months ago. He was on the good side, fighting against the darkness; but she had been in league with the darkness. A new life awaited her, but all she wanted was to fix the past.
THE END
Notes: Takes place mid-season 3 but doesn't quite follow the events of the season, because half of it was finished during the fourth season/fifth season break. The song "I Wish I Felt Nothing" is by The Wallflowers.
I Wish I Felt Nothing
By Vixen
Say when you're alone
It's better 'cause nobody knows you
When no one's your friend
It's better 'cause nobody leaves you
Faith sat in the park, in the darkness, trying to avoid vampires. There was really no where she could go. It was late, and the airplane ticket for Mexico was for the next day. The mayor would miss her, maybe. Probably not, she sighed. Why would anyone miss her? She had f---ed with all of their lives. She had tried to kill Buffy, turn Angel evil, kill Willow; she had even kidnapped that girl once. Then there was the one she was the remorseful for, Xander.
She had used him ten times over. It had been a crazy time for her, not that the present time wasn't as messed up. She had lied to him, telling him she cared. Seducing him until he lost his virginity in her senselessness game.
So, here she was, alone. After murdering someone accidentally she had to leave. The council might find her, but for now Faith was leaving. She didn't need anyone, not the Scooby Gang, not the Mayor, she was her own person, god damn it. It would be better this way. It had to be. Everything would go back to the way it used to be, before she lost her family, before she became a slayer, before she became a murderer.
So you turned your back
On a world that you could never have
'Cause your heart's been cracked
And everyone else's is going mad
Xander left the Bronze early that night. His friends were still partying, but he just wasn't in his usual good mood. Buffy and Willow were discussing college life, and the courses they were considering taking. The college life wasn't an option to Xander, since it took both money and brain power to get in, both of which Xander was short of.
He decided, against better judgment to take a short cut through the park. His house was just on the other side, a quick five minutes away, with the use of the shortcut. Plus, Xander had a stake in case it got hectic, and the uglies came out to play.
Cordelia had been at the Bronze before, slutting it up with Mr. Football Player. Xander sighed, feeling the idiocies of his mistake. One kiss, well a couple of kisses, was all it took to take the woman of he loved away from him. Everyone by his hormones, his trespass on forbidden lips.
Then there had been Faith, another result of his hormones running wild. Well, her hormones had been out of control that night as well, but he could have stopped before the situation went out of control. Maybe he had wanted it to get out of control. Maybe that was the point. He smiled remembering her scent. The raw power she had possessed. But, if she had felt nothing, like she had made clear so many times before that night, then he would try to feel nothing as well.
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you
The corners of his mouth came up in a small smile as the unbidden, but not unwanted memories came to the surface.
Xander's car stopped right outside the motel. Faith and him exited the classic car Xander had gotten from his uncle. Walking up to the run down motel, still watching for any other creatures that might have followed them. Faith found her room and after pushing the door open, they entered her small spartan room.
Xander shut the door, alone with Faith, but still frightened about the demon they had just fought, "You think Demon Mama followed us?" He pushed the blinds away from the window, but say nothing.
Faith took off her jacket and threw it on the floor, "No, we're cool." She rubbed her aching arm, "The bitch dislocated my shoulder, though." Surprising Xander she adds, "Hold me."
After a moment he figured out what she wanted, and it wasn't to be close. She just wanted someone to help her fix her dislocated shoulder. There was a sickening snap as the bones returned to the right place.
Faith rotated her shoulder, "That's better." She paused, "She got me really wound up."
She walked up close to Xander, felt his chest, and looked into his eyes. "A fight like that and no kill, I'm about ready to pop." He felt her hands as they slid along his chest.
He suddenly became very nervous. He wanted her so badly, he had always had a thing for slayers. It was something about the way they carried themselves, so confident. "Really? Pop?!"
A coy little smile showed, she asked, "You up for it?" With one hand, she caressed his neck, trying to turn him on.
He nodded, apprehensively, "Oh, I'm up, I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um.." He tried to figure out a smart non-corny way to tell the more experienced woman, "I've never been up with people before."
Faith pushed a lock of her dark brown hair away from her face, and looked up at him with warm, arousing eyes; She kissed him; tongues collided in a mess of heated passion. She was using him, they both knew it, but it felt so good. Her hands started to take his clothes off. "Just relax... And take your pants off."
"Those two concepts are antithetical." Xander tried to regain control, but it was too late. He had been sucked into her web. Faith stroked his bare chest, her cool hand meeting with his warm body.
They kissed again, more deeply, more passionately. Xander had never been kissed like that before, not even with Cordelia. It left him wanting so much more. Faith pushed him on to her bed, shoving him back, blocking his escape. She sat on his stomach and pulled off her own shirt, "Don't worry...I'll steer you around the curves."
"Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?"
That night they made sex. Not love; only sex. It was Xander's first time, but not Faith's. As promised, she had shown him a thing or two. But she had only used him, throwing him out of the apartment when everything was done. With nothing more than a "That was great. I gotta shower." She closed the door on him.
Xander knew he shouldn't have felt anything, but he had. He still did, weeks later. Cordelia had been his first love, but Faith had been... something else.
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you
Xander stopped in his tracks, trying to still his rapidly beating heart. He was alone, in the park, a wonderful vampire feeding ground, with no weapons. So much for the short cut. There was another sound of leaves rustling. A twig being snapped.
Before he knew it he was being jumped by two mean looking vampires, one male and the other his dinner date. He tried to fight back, kicking and punching, but it was impossible. The big tall guy was soon pinning him to the ground, with his boot.
"Dinner's served," The evil vampire said to his blond girlfriend. She licked her full lips, thirsty for blood.
Before Xander had a chance to give a sarcastic retort, Faith ran out from the bushes. "Gee, look what we have here." She kicked the guy off of Xander. "Big Daddy Vampire and his slut." Xander backed away from the portentous battle.
"Slayer." The vampire said; his voice flat and without mercy.
"Oh, I guess you didn't get the newsletter: I'm out of the slayer's gig." She staked the female vamp that was closing in behind her. Turning back to the last adversary, "Still, I got some time for one last kill."
"You're a cocky little thing aren't you?" The vampire grinned at her. His smile faded too quickly. "You'll die for that."
Faith and the evil being fought, hand to hand, all the while Xander was standing by, not knowing why exactly he was staying near the danger. He should have just gotten away, his exits were clear; but something made him stay. He wanted to help, but didn't know how.
At last Faith drove the stake into the heart of her foe. Dust was all that remained. She started to leave, not wanting another confrontation with a member of the Scooby Gang.
"Wait. Faith." He called out to her. When she didn't reply he hurried to catch up with her. "Hey." He stood in front of her.
"Hi Xander, Bye Xander," She tried to leave.
"Ok, fine," He said dejectedly, "Just wanted to, you know, thank you for saving my life."
She spun on her heals, feeling hurt, "Look, I didn't come down here to prattle on with you, okay? I'm not having a swell night. I'm starved, freezing, tired, and I'm once again homeless" A tear fell down her face, unwillingly. Her voice broke a little, but she tried her best to remain in control. "Just go away."
"You could come home with me." He offered, gently.
Rebuilding the wall of strong independence, she sarcastically replied, "Oh, I'm sure you'd like that. One more night with good old Faith."
He shook his head a little, "Not like that. I just thought you might need a friend."
"I don't see any here." She crossed her arms in front of her, "Plus, I can take care of myself."
"Oh, yeah, that's really obvious with the running away and all."
She saw his point, but didn't want to, it just complicated things. A pang of hunger washed over her, having not eaten for two days. Life on the street wasn't fun. She needed a friend, she admitted, nodding. "Fine." She reached for an excuse, "I could use the sleep. And the food, if you have any."
Later that night, Faith and Xander were eating Chinese food take-out in his room. Faith was on the floor, while Xander sat on his unmade bed.
He watched Faith chow down on the fried rice like she had never eaten before, "Hungry?"
"Starved," Faith replied "Haven't been eating good the past week. Had to save for the plane ticket. Priorities."
Xander shook his head, with a sarcastic grin he said, "Yeah, cause not taking a trip to Tahiti would be so much worse than starving to death."
Faith finished the carton of rice and put it down on the floor. "For one-- I'm going to Mexico, not Tahiti, and for two-- when you live my life staying in one place too long is loads more deadly than not eating."
"I bet." He said simply.
"I need to go start a new life, ya know," She paused "No, I don't believe you would, cause you got the whole Scooby Gang and all. You wouldn't need a new life, I on the other hand, need to get away from certain things."
"It was an accident," Xander defended her honestly. She didn't believe it, but he did. Even though when it happened he wasn't there, Xander didn't think Faith could do something like that; she was rebellious and lost, but in his eyes, not a murderer.
"Even if it was," Her voice trailed off. Coming back stronger after a moment she said, "I'm guilty. I killed a man."
Xander didn't have any answer to that, and was surprised when Faith started crying. He had never seen her this way, letting down her defenses.
"Oh my god, I killed a man," The truth she had denied for weeks finally became so very real to her.
He didn't know what to do, or what to say so he just went over to Faith and held her.
"God, all this time I've been tellin' myself that my childhood was rough and the world owes me," She sobbed, "But, God, what did I do."
"Shh..." Xander tried to comfort her, "It's okay."
"No, it's not," She looked away. "It doesn't matter if my life's been bad, the fact that my parents weren't there for me isn't going to get me a `Get out of Jail Free' card. The fact that I'm a slayer isn't a good excuse. `I saw my watcher die' won't hold up in court either. I killed someone, and I'm going to jail."
Now all of these people
Come up from deep holes
Pullin' you down
And it's just no use
When all the abuse follows you down
Faith had stopped crying, rubbing the tears from her face quickly. The reputation as being tough had been tarnished. Somehow, though, it didn't matter to her anymore. The desire to be understood and to be truthful about her feelings mattered more than her reputation.
"I'm getting out of Sunnydale. Leaving in the morning. You know, you could come with me." Her brown eyes pleaded with him. Xander had helped hour out of the slump she had been in. Even after all she had done to him, and to his friends, he had been there for her.
"Faith, I can't," He sighed, standing up, "I've got a life here. People count on me.. sort of."
"Please, I, I just don't think I could face this alone. You were right, I do need someone to look out for me." She couldn't believe she was saying this. She put her hair up into a ponytail, looking more innocent then she felt.
Putting on a serious face, Xander replied, "You don't have to face this alone, you could stay here," Reverting to his non-serious nature he added, "Come on, I know you always wanted to be a member of the exclusive Scooby Gang."
Faith grunted, "Yeah, I'm sure your friends are just dyin' to hang with me. Maybe you still feel this big friendship with me, but Buffy-- Willow? Not likely." Silence came between them like a great divide, they both knew she was right. It was stupid to pretend that they could be together.
At that moment, Xander realized that he really did want to be with Faith. He felt important when he was with her, somehow she made him feel like more than the `Zeppo'. He laid back down on his bed. Slowly, not wanting to break some unwritten rule of `see-but-don't- touch' Faith laid down next to Xander, putting her head on his chest. They slept like that until the morning, at peace, but knowing it couldn't last.
By the morning you've gone
Leavin' me here all alone
Sayin' it's no mystery
I know that nobody here needs me
Sunlight filtered through Xander's blinds in the morning. As it reached across his bed, he awoke from his slumber. Remembering the night before, he glanced around the room, looking for Faith. She wasn't there.
The clock said it was noon. The plane Faith was taking left at a quarter past eleven. Most likely, she had been on the plane. What would she had stayed for?
He sighed, thinking, "She didn't even wake my up when she left." He could he had fallen in love with a person who didn't even care enough to say goodbye? Blame the hormones again. But the fact was that he loved her, and he couldn't or didn't want to change that.
And I know you believe that
you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care
Faith sat on the plane; she was safe now. The crimes she committed would go unanswered for while she lived it up in Mexico. Still, staring out the window, she didn't feel like she got the best end of the bargain.
"I gave up the only man that ever treated me right," She though, "For my freedom."
Fate was unfair, and so was life. She could have been with Xander, getting rid of the gloom that continually plagued her life, but that was impossible. The sides had been drawn months ago. He was on the good side, fighting against the darkness; but she had been in league with the darkness. A new life awaited her, but all she wanted was to fix the past.
THE END