The Ultimate Stupidity of Jesus. (snort)

Disclaimer: I wrote the bible. it was all you stupid fucks that munched it. I had written it all perfectly to mock God just before we were to destroy heaven. Anyways since my version is better here is an extract.

Warning: After reading this you will never see God in the same way again. Mwah. All I'm offering is the truth.....

Jesus sorted through a large pile of scrolls. He knew this was wrong, but he was curious like most mortals. Sure, God has said not to go through his 'secret stash' well this one anyway. (he had full access to the other one).
'This is God's fault' he thought to himself, 'He's the one who invented curiousity.'

He started to panic, as he was that sort of person, thinking God would catch him. At last he uncovered four discoloured scrolls, buried deep within the pile. Almost shaking with excitement, Jesus grabbed them and stuffed them into the sleeves of his robes.

Glancing nervously around, he made a run for the door. Flinging it open, he was about to flee for the sanctity of the whore house when he came face-to-face with the Archangel Michael.

Michael gave him one of those creepy gleeful smiles and tried to stand suggestively. Jesus broke into a cold sweat.
'Oh no,' he thought, 'If he decides to have his wicked way with me, he might find the scrolls.'
"So uh...Michael," he began, "My, um...dress is back at my house..."
Michael raised an eyebrow at him.
"Fine fine," he sighed, "I'll give you a head start."
He closed his eyes and slowly began to count to infinity. Jesus seized his chance and bolted for the whore house. Upon arriving in his room, he yanked the scrolls out of his sleeve and hid them beneath his mattress. (Yeah, how original)
"......999999999...etc. Infinity!" Michael shouted before teleporting himself to Jesus' bedroom. luckily for Jesus, this had given him plenty of time to prepare for Michael's arrival. He lay on the bed wearing a women's robe that had been shortened to expose more flesh. That is, ankles and forearms. (Oooh sexy.)

ï‚¥² later....

When Michael had FINALLY left, Jesus collapsed back onto his bed.
"Oh dear God," he prayed, "Bless you for those errands which keep Micha-"
"Yes, my son?" a voice boomed from above, "Oh, right. You were thanking me for giving Michael those errands. If it weren't for that he never would have stumbled across you lying in that holy gutter of filth that night and taken you in and taked advantage of you. Ho ho ho. (yes God idolizes Santa). And you think I didn't know!" a giant finger appeared and waved from side to side as if disapproving. "You think I don't know what you get up to? I'm God after all! I know what goes on in your room at night. Daddy hears everything! Actually I'm very proud of my mortal son having relations with my favourite Archangel. Just like somewhere in earth's future/past the Greek God Zeus, who is far superior than I, approving of his half mortal son, Hercules, molesting small boys in dark alleys. Ho ho ho. Well I'm must be leaving now. Toodles!"
And with that, the finger vanished.

So thats it for now. Comments? I'm wanting honest opinions here. Criticism is welcome. IF YOU'RE WANTING ETERNAL TORTURE IN MY REALM, THAT IS. Yeah....thats about it from me. disappears in a torrent of flames to be with Ackradin

-E.I