Phantom of the Caribbean
A humor story
Chapter One- Sometimes, Erik Isn't Really A Genius
I noticed I hardly write humor things any more so I thought I'd give it a shot. (All my other humor stories were kicked off for having real people myself and my niece). So here it is, read and review.
What happens when you mix Pirates of the Caribbean with Phantom of the Opera? Well first you bump the year 'Pirates' takes place in to 1881, make it a lot easier for Elizabeth to breathe, cause a close friendship between Raoul and Jack, and extreme hate between Erik and Jack and a lot of flirting that Jack does to Christine thus making Erik hate him even more.
"Remind me," Christine snapped bitterly as she and Erik dragged themselves over a sandy beach, wiping sweat from their brows. "How we got here in the first place and why I'm roasting?"
Erik took a deep breath and sighed, shrugged. "Well I thought instant travel was a good idea but clearly I shouldn't patent it. We got here through my 'speed machine' . . ."
"Which is?" Christine cut right in and he continued with breathing, blending their sentences perfectly.
"Sort of like a time machine and really it is one but we don't travel through time, we just save it." He removed a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her, she nodded gratefully and wiped her face with it. "As for the heat, we're in the Caribbean, angel, and I'm afraid that where we are is right by the equator."
"What the hell is that?" She asked, dipping the handkerchief in the ocean.
"Well, let's just say they get a lot of sun around here all year round." He turned and froze as she began to wipe sweat from her well, below her collar and quickly he looked away and said. "I will most definitely want that back now."
She gazed at him in surprise, then smiled seductively and moved to him. "You know Erik, there's just something about you in the sun that is just really cute!"
"Really?" He asked, startled as she nodded a yes.
She noticed the sun now and how he was wearing black and must be very hot (no doubt of that anyway) so she slid her hands under his jacket and slipped it off, surprising him all the more.
"Christine we really shouldn't I mean, if Raoul saw . . ."
She froze on the third button of his shirt. "What do you mean, Raoul!?"
"He-LOOOOOOOOO!" Raoul bounded in front of them in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses with a surfboard , Erik looked at him and cleared his throat.
"Most, if not all of these items you have are not invented and we did not travel through time so if you would please?"
"Oops." Raoul said, Erik looked at Christine, Christine back to him and then Raoul was normal, in a suit, sweating like the rich pig he was.
Christine stomped her foot and glared at Erik. "Why'd you bring him?"
"I haven't decided if I want to try and fry him on hot stone or just leave here with only you."
Christine gave a snort and stomped away, looking around for something to take her mind off the heat. "Actually get a chance to have a nice romantic vacation and he goes and brings Raoul! This isn't Disney world!"
"Wha!?" Raoul looked at Erik. "But you said I could ride the Teacups and Dumbo Planes!"
"Some other time." Erik said dryly and moved to Christine. "Darling, if we ditch the fop this can be romantic!"
Christine began to laugh quite hard and gazed at him, trying to calm down. "Oh? And it's as simple as that?" She laughed some more. "Since when is ditching Raoul even possible?"
"I'm sure we can."
"How much do you want to bet?"
Erik grinned evilly and before Christine could take it back he began. "Good idea. If we do somehow get rid of Raoul, you are mine forever and can never see him again, if we don't, well, that's up to you to decide."
It was her turn to grin smugly and she said. "If we don't then Raoul is yours forever and you can never see me again and you can never leave him!"
Painfully he swallowed a lump in his throat and extended his hand. "Agreed?"
She smiled and shook it. "Agreed."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THEPIRATESAREGONNAKILLUS!!!!!!!!!!"
"What?" Christine and Erik looked at Raoul in unison, then at the ship he was pointing and screaming at. "Oh."
Raoul's face fell as he gazed at Erik and Christine's passive expressions. "How can you be so calm when we're here in mortal danger?"
"Because," Erik said. "It's probably a hoax."
"Erik, if it was a hoax, would the Jolly Roger flag SCARE ME THAT MUCH?"
"More than probably, as hoaxes are intended to scare people and also because you are a baby." Christine couldn't help but grin over at Erik's comment, then she gazed back at the water and frowned.
"Maybe it's a bad time to point it out, but we've got company." She motioned to the man and woman swimming to shore, the man looked back at the ship once in shallow water and the woman just caught her breath as he spoke.
"That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away with my ship." He complained, whipping some seaweed from his shoulder. He sighed and glanced around, nearly jumped out of his skins as he saw Erik, Christine and Raoul, standing there watching him. "Don't tell me, you were marooned here as well?"
Erik nervously scratched his arm as Christine glared at him. "You might say that."
The man moved to Erik and extended his hand, smiling, his cavitied and chipped teeth exposed. "Captain Jack Sparrow."
Erik shook it and nodded. "Erik."
Jack paused. "Erik, thas' nice, Erik what?"
"Erik. Just Erik."
Jack blinked and grinned. "Oh I see, you're pullin' me chain!"
"Am not! It's just Erik!" His words were on the verge of being shouted.
Jack frowned and stepped back, glaring at him. "I don't like your tone, mate."
Meanwhile the woman turned to Christine and smiled. "Hello, I'm Elizabeth Swann."
Christine nodded politely. "Christine Daaé."
"Pleased to meet you." Elizabeth glanced at the arguing men. "How long will Erik last?"
Christine chuckled softly. "Let's put it this way, they'll both be very old and we'll have gotten away with M Fop by the time he gives up."
"Jack's the same way," Elizabeth said with a sigh, then frowned and looked back to Christine. "M Fop? Is that that young man's name?"
Christine laughed at this. "No, no. It should be though, he's obsessed with his looks. That's Raoul, he was certain you were going to kill us."
"Ah, he's one of those scaredy fops then?"
"Exactly." Christine giggled. "Don't know what I ever saw in him other than looks." She looked at Elizabeth and frowned. "So uh, what the hell happened to you?"
"Agh," Elizabeth groaned and plopped down into the sand, motioning for Christine to do the same. "Well, the pirates on that ship invaded my town, Port Royal. I gave them back this medallion they wanted so that they'd leave but they didn't take me back and turns out they did so because I said my name was Elizabeth Turner, and they needed a Turner's blood to break this curse they're under for taking pieces of Aztec Gold which was what my medallion was made of. So after they found out I wasn't a Turner Will Turner, who is a Turner helped me escape but the Black pearl, that ship, is the fastest in the Caribbean and caught up with ours and took me, Jack and the crew hostage. Jack came into this by helping Will get to me, his reasons being he wanted the Pearl back as he used to own it. So Will makes a deal with Barbossa, the captain of the Pearl to let me go, the crew kept safe and he would give himself to them or shoot himself and be loot to Davy Jones Locker. They made Jack and I walk the plank and here we are."
Christine blinked several times and let out a pent up sigh. "Jeez, bet you're tired."
"Well, yes, and I'm worried for Will." The two women gazed across to see Jack finishing up the same story, almost, Elizabeth hollered over some corrections and Erik took a deep breath.
"Christine, dear. How would you like to go on a little adventure?"
"By adventure you mean . . .???"
"Rescue Will Turner, get Jack back the Pearl and end the pirates curse so Barbossa can be killed."
She rolled her eyes and looked at Raoul, who had just found Jack's hiding place for rum. "Why not? At least I won't be bored."
Jack noticed Raoul as well and hurried over to the little storage area, grabbed a few bottles of rum and passed them around so everyone had one. "Here's luck to you Will Turner!" And he began to drink it.
Elizabeth gazed at her bottle and sighed, bringing it to her lips. "Drink up, me hearties, yo-ho!" And she took a swig.
Jack looked at her. "What's that Elizabeth?"
"It's Miss Swann!" She snapped and when he looked away explained. "Nothing, just a song I learnt as a child when I thought it might be exciting to meet a pirate."
"Well let's hear it."
"No."
"Come on we've got the time! Let's have it."
She shook her head and looked at the rum bottle. "Id have to have a lot more to drink." She took another swig.
He looked at her with a very light grin. "How much more?"
"We're devils, we're black sheep, we're really bad eggs, drink up, me hearties yo-ho! Yo-ho, yo-ho a pirates life for me!"
"I love this song!" Jack said, spinning with Elizabeth as the five calmed a bit, still humming the tune as they drank. "Really, bad eggs! Oof!" Jack hit the ground and they all laughed and talked about who they would teach the song to and about sailing the Black Pearl before they all fell asleep.
All for now. Let me know what you think. Ideas are very much welcome.