South Park With An Odd Twist

The characters, events and references to persons, places or things in this fanfiction are nearly entirely fictional. There may be some portions of the aforementioned articles that are reality, however the majority is fiction. This fiction may have some qualities that appear to be slanderous, however no slander is intended with these pieces of writing.
Also, serious situations and circumstances may be dealt with in this fanfiction in a sense that may seem demeaning or naïve. All these things have been written with full understanding of the seriousness of the situation/circumstance and have not been taken lightly.
In conclusion, this fanfiction, much like the television show it is based off of has been written purely for humerous reasons. If one cannot deal with aforementioned appeared slandering and supposed naïve dealings with serious situations, it is advisable that one does not continue reading.
Due to such, as well as coarse language and potentially detailed horrific scenes, reader discretion is advised.

Episode 13: Stark's Pond Watch, Part Two

"What the hell? Stark's Pond is closed again?" Stan questioned as the trio approached the pond.

Again it was surrounded by police tape, but there were a whole bunch of investigators carefully taking water samples and the likes from in and around the pond. A small crowd had gathered to watch them, but other than that it was pretty uneventful. Some of the investigators were even sitting around talking; maybe they were on a break. Yet, some of them were speaking casually with the observers…

"I told you, dude," Kyle supplied. "It said so on the news or something. My mom's been freaking out about it since she saw the report."

"Tch. When does the bitch not freak out about something?" Cartman scoffed, approaching the police tape and doing well to ignore Kyle's scathing glare. "Ain't no god damn yellow tape that can keep me out."

But as he placed a pudgy, gloved hand on the tape to tear it down and clear his path, a gun was suddenly pointed at his head.

"Jesus Christ!" Stan exclaimed and backed away a few steps even though he was already a decent distance from where Cartman was.

"No one is to go near Stark's Pond," the gun man, an officer completely in black, including sunglasses and gloves, told Cartman at gunpoint.

"A-aye!" Cartman stuttered out his protest and trying to keep the air of defiance. He did, however, remove his hand from the tape. "I'll kick you squa' in the nuts!" But as he heard the man cock the gun to fire, he turned and ran, promptly using Kyle as a human shield. "Take the Jew! Not me!"

"Cartman!" Kyle shouted angrily, aiming to elbow the fat boy in the ribs. Of course he only managed to hit the cushion that was Cartman's stomach, but the point still managed to get across. Cartman backed away, but still was keeping Kyle between himself and the gunman.

The gunman continued to stare at them, but lowered the gun. He didn't put the weapon in the holster, but rather left it hanging at his side. They couldn't see his eyes, but they got a sense that they were just giving the kind of glare that just dared them to move. None did, trying even not to breathe.

"Hey! I found something!"

All turned, but by the time they looked to where the voice had come from, no one was standing there. There were footprints in the snow, but no sign of any other life form there at all. Looking around, no one could spot the man. Someone even checked the outhouse they were using, but it was empty. Most shrugged and then just made to return to what they were doing before.

"Probably nothing," one commented.

"Hey, where's Bob?" another questioned.

"Who's Bob?" someone else asked.

"You know, the guy with the face."

"Oh! That guy." Despite the fact that they all had a face, the man seemed to understand and know who it was that the other was speaking of. He scratched the back of his head and looked around, puzzled. "Yeah, where is Bob?"

They searched, even forcing the boys and the crowd to help out. Cartman bitched and whined about it, but at the threaten of the gun again, he quickly set to work to find Bob. It was only five minutes into the search, but someone saw something. The water, as they all saw in gathering, of the pond had turned red. Of course, that wasn't even the whole issue.

"Oh my god! Shark!" Cartman yelled, pointing near the center of the pond and cringing.

"Don't be stupid. Sharks don't live in ponds," Kyle scoffed, shaking his head and not even bothering to look. He'd turned away to begin searching again.

"Dude, what's that then?"

At the sound of Stan's voice, Kyle decided to turn back and look. He threw Stan a questioning look as he did so, but saw Stan insist that he look at the pond. The redhead's jaw dropped when he saw the dorsal fin sticking out of the water, but then it disappeared. By then, everyone present was watching the rippling, reddish water very closely, their eyes tracing the shark's movements as it circled beneath.

"What do we do?" Stan asked, looking to his companions for ideas.

"What would Brian Boitano do?" Cartman said pensively.

"We don't have time to think about what Brian Boitano would do!" Kyle snaped, pointing to the pond's water now; as if they weren't already looking.

Now they witnessed as the shark pulled a very whale-like move and leapt out of the water. Time seemed to slow down as it arched in the air, showing its complete form to the audience. Some could have sworn they heard cameras snapping shots and camera phones doing the same of the majestic move the creature pulled. When the seemingly-slow-motion minute passed, the shark splashed gracefully back into the water.

"That's it?" Kyle asked. His shocked expression this time was not of fear but of disbelief. The shark had looked no bigger than a housecat.

"We need a professional!" the gunman nearly screamed out in his clear panic. His eyes were wide and his form was shaking. He dropped his gun in the snow as he began to run in circles and screaming like he was on fire.

Unfortunately for him, he ran much too closely to the water, stumbling along even. Before anyone could warn him to stay away, the shark reached out of the water and grabbed the man's leg. Swiftly, he was dragged under, despite his attempts at grabbing onto the snow to keep him from being sucked in. The last they heard of him was as his gurgling screams came from below the surface and then they saw blood stain the water again.

"Oh my god!" Kyle cringed and took several steps backwards. Stan was quick to follow.

Yet, as the screams erupted around them and people began fleeing and shouting for the mayor, Cartman took a step forward.

"Cartman, what are you doing?!" Stan demanded.

"Aye! Son of a bitch!" Cartman turned to face them with the gun in his hands.

"Put that down!" Stan ordered now, his eyes widening in horror at the sight of the weapon.

"That asshole!" Cartman continued, aiming and then firing the gun at them. "It's just a water gun!"

The mayor sat in her office, going over some paperwork (more like throwing out whatever didn't look even remotely interesting; which of course meant most of it was thrown out). The woman suddenly heard a rumbling noise, like footsteps rushing towards her building. She shook her head, trying to ignore it and even hitting her ears in hopes that it would make the sound go away, but then she saw her assistant burst into her office and her face fell.

"What is it now?" she sighed heavily, standing from her chair behind the desk.

"I don't know, mayor," her assistant shook his head feebly.

"Why the hell not?" she snapped. "It's your job to know!"

"They all just showed up and are all shouting at once. I can't understand a word they're saying!"

"Damn it," she cursed, heading to the front of the building to deal with the people.

When she stepped outside, everyone automatically began screaming for her attention. It was true, she couldn't understand a lick of what they were saying either and she held up her hands to try and hush them since she knew that yelling would only add to the noise. Some began to fall silent and then the others followed suit. The rabbling began to die down.

"So, what crisis is threatening us now?" she sighed.

"Mayor! There's a shark in Stark's Pond!"

"A shark?" she demanded, snapping to her senses in sudden alarm. "Holy shit, how did a shark get in Stark's Pond?"

"Who cares?!" someone protested. "What are you going to do about it?!"

"Me?!" she shrieked. When did she ever do anything besides order people around?

She tried to think quickly as the infuriated and terrified rabbling started up again. Suddenly, it dawned on her, and she raised her hands again to quiet them down. It took a little longer, but the people did shut up again.

"People, please, calm down," she said as the rabble died away. "We will handle this."

"We will?" her assistant whispered to her frantically.

"Of course we will, you idiot!" she snapped at him, also in a whisper.

"What are you going to do?" a voice demanded to know.

"I'm not going back there!" an elderly woman, one who had become one of the lifeguards protested.

"We'll get the best damned shark hunters there are in South Park!" the mayor announced and the crowd grew puzzled.

"Who?"

Jimbo and Ned stood examining the boat they were to use on the shark hunt. They'd both been surprised when the mayor came to them claiming there was a shark in Stark's Pond, but they were up to the job. There wasn't anything that would get away when they were hunting!

The pair appeared to be meticulously looking at every detail of the boat, humming and ha-ing every once in a while. It was like they were searching for one thing in particular, like a switch or a hidden compartment.

"Well?" the mayor demanded. She was standing nearby, arms crossed and watching the two men in their examining of the vessel. She was growing impatient and knew that the town would have her neck soon if she didn't do anything.

"We're gonna need a bigger boat," Ned said, holding the microphone to his throat and looking at the mayor.

"What?" she demanded, astounded.

"We're gonna get a bigger boat, right?" Jimbo was now the one to ask. He leaned slightly on the edge of the boat, watching the mayor's reactions.

"This is the biggest boat we have," the mayor told them, cocking a brow. "Besides, the thing's only as big as a cat, isn't it?"

"Mayor, it's already eaten three people, maybe more. We need a bigger boat," Jimbo stressed.

"We don't have one!" she snapped angrily now. What part of 'the biggest boat we have' didn't they understand?

"Damn it. Guess this'll just have to work then," Jimbo sighed.

"Let's get 'im," Ned piped up.

"Yeah," Jimbo nodded with a smile and looked to Ned, then back to the mayor. "Mayor, have this ship-"

"It's a boat," she interrupted.

"Right. Have it brought to Stark's Pond for tomorrow afternoon," Jimbo told her.

"Why in the afternoon?" she asked curiously.

"Springer's on in the morning," Jimbo supplied as if it was an obvious fact.

Jimbo and Ned turned to leave and as they did, Jimbo spoke again.

"Come on, Ned. We have to get our guns ready."

"Yeah."

The mayor sighed and shook her head, but planned to comply with their wishes anyway. She left the large shed they had all been standing in to head off to tell the others of the updated plan. She didn't doubt they'd still be rabbling in front of her office building.

A whole crowd, a good majority of the town, had gathered around Stark's Pond, including the lifeguards who were forced to be there in case Jimbo or Ned needed their help. Grudgingly, they stood on the sidelines in their Speedos and bathing suits.

Jimbo and Ned stood, lowering their weapons into the fair sized speedboat. All the while, both were grumbling about how they really needed a bigger boat, but no one had one for them so they had to make do.

Stan, Kyle and Cartman stood along the sidelines with the rest of their class. Cartman still had the water gun and hadn't stopped squirting Tweek and Butters with it, much to their dismay. They kept whining for him to stop, especially since their clothes were developing a thin layer of frost.

Ned and Jimbo were staring at the waters with the mayor now. None of the trio could see sign of the shark as the waters were calm, but there was that fear of just knowing that it was there. There and waiting for them to get into the water so that it could eat them. Or at least slaughter them brutally.

"Well, good luck," the mayor spoke quickly and turned to get a safe distance away from the water.

Jimbo looked after her, then to Ned. "Ready, Ned?"

"Ready," the microphone-voice replied.

With that, the pair began to push the weapon-filled boat into the water. The crowd held their breath as the two men got into the boat and it drifted to the middle of the pond. The water remained still, save for the rippling the boat caused.

"Nothing's happening," Butters commented, daring step near the trio of Stan, Kyle and Cartman. Cartman had stopped squirting him with the gun when the boat went into the water, but the blonde was still wary.

"Oh, jolly good. Maybe the shark's gone," Pip spoke, peering around the others to see what was happening.

"I don't think so, dude," Kyle commented to Stan, his eyes glued to the water. "How could it just disappear?"

"Maybe the same way it randomly appeared?" Cartman challenged, but all could see and hear the tension in him. And there was the fact that he was standing slightly behind Kyle again, fully prepared to put his human shield into action.

"I don't know," Stan breathed.

Jimbo tapped the side of the boat in boredom. Ned had taken to humming a tune that sounded familiar to Jimbo, so he joined in, but sang instead.

"Show me the way to go home. I'm tired and I wanna go to bed. I had a little drink about an hour ago and I went straight to my head. Oh! Wherever I may roam, on land or sea or foam, you will always hear me singing this song. Show me the way to go home."

The pair stopped abruptly, though.

"There it is, Ned!" Jimbo whispered frantically, leaning forward as he did so.

The dorsal fin had appeared, sticking just slightly out of the water. The crowd gasped as they spotted it, too, but just as quickly as it was spotted, it disappeared beneath the surface.

"The bitch is circling us," Jimbo whispered still, peering over the edge of the boat and seeing shadows moving.

"Get the weapons," Ned suggested, picking up a large gun that he held a little awkwardly with his one hand/arm.

Jimbo also grabbed a weapon; a large bazooka, which came to rest on his shoulder while he steadied it and readied to fire.

"It's coming right for us," Ned said in advance, though it was barely audible since he couldn't put his microphone to his throat.

"Thin out their numbers," Jimbo whispered after.

"Just save the god damn people!" the mayor shouted as if she'd heard their previous statements.

"Save the people," Jimbo and Ned said together. No doubt this would become their new hunting phrase.

The shark suddenly rose out of the water a great deal more than just the dorsal fin. They saw the eyes and even the teeth of the cat-sized shark as it aimed to take a bite of their boat.

Ned yelled out in shock, protest and fear, but fired the gun anyway. The force of it knocked him off balance in the boat, though the bullet managed to hit near the dorsal fin.

"Ned!" Jimbo shouted as the shark retreated for a moment. Upon seeing Ned was all right, he turned his attention back to the water.

The shark had emerged again, this time looking mighty pissed off. But as it opened its mouth wide to chomp the boat, Jimbo fired. The bazooka fired right into the shark's open mouth and it exploded, its remains flying everywhere.

"Sick!" Kyle exclaimed, taking a step back as a portion of the remains landed near him.

But even as he said this, the crowd began to cheer and Jimbo and Ned returned to shore. The crowd charged forward and swarmed around the pair, praising them as heroes and everyone began congratulating them.

"All right, man. We can go skating again when the pond refreezes," Cartman proclaimed happily, starting to squirt the gun at Butters and Tweek again.

"Hooray!" the children shouted together, even the two victims of the water gun.

"You boys will be completely safe, too. The lifeguards will be sticking around in case you get into any trouble," Mrs. Broflovski told them as she overheard their conversation as she walked by.

"Ah!" they all grumbled.

Cartman only glared off after Mrs. Broflovski and then at Kyle.

END

I'd like to give thanks to those who have supported South Park With An Odd Twist! I'm glad you've enjoyed it!

Still want more? Go to my author page and you'll find the 'next season': South Park With An Older Twist!
-L. Barton