Thoughts Through the Plumbing: A Diary
Second Semester:
January 6th
Dear Diary:
Ginny admitted to her friends that she lost her virginity at Christmas. Parvati and Lavender congratulated her, and then teased Hermione about being a virgin.
She drops the bombshell that she actually lost hers fourth year to Viktor Krum, only didn't say anything because she didn't want to look cheap. (I knew this because she tried a few spells to restore her virginity her fifth year. It didn't work…) They thought it outrageous, and she threatened to curse them if they told anyone. Luckily those girls are smart enough to know that she means business.
Love, Myrtle
January 14th
Dear Diary:
Pansy Parkinson might be pregnant. She's had three different guys in my bathroom this month, so it could be any of them…
Ginny and Dean have been very active. Harry won't visit me at night anymore because he walked in on them two nights ago.
Eloise Midgen plays with herself in the bath. I wonder if she's thinking about anyone in particular.
Love, Myrtle
January 20th
Dear Diary:
Pansy had a false alarm. Maybe it will teach her a lesson, but I doubt it.
Love, Myrtle
February 8th
Dear Diary:
Eloise Midgen has fantasies of Neville Longbottom, but has sworn me to secrecy.
Professor Trelawney had a prediction concerning her death in the bathtub, and will now only take showers.
Love, Myrtle
February 14th
Dear Diary:
Padma Patil tried to slit her wrists in the tub today, but I stopped her and talked her out of it. I told her that Draco has homosexual tendencies too, and seemed to help, which is good. I don't want another ghost hanging out in the bathrooms and hitting on me. I don't swing that way.
Love, Myrtle
February 26th
Dear Diary:
McGonnagal likes to use an anti-aging potion in private that takes off thirty years to your body, but it wears off in a few hours. She spends those few hours naked in front of the mirror and pretends to be her forty year old self, who isn't that bad looking.
The Fat Friar scolded me for lurking in the bathrooms when people are naked. I tried to explain to him that I haunt bathrooms, and that is what ghosts who haunt bathrooms do. I don't think he found that to be a valid argument..
Love, Myrtle
March 10th
Dear Diary:
I've caught Draco with Terry Boot again. This is getting good, and they arranged a meeting again in a few days. I think it's kinda' cute.
Love, Myrtle
March 13th
Dear Diary:
I know a secret… well Terry knows it too, but he's been threatened to secrecy, while I can tell anyone I want without repercussions. (I feel powerful.)
Draco and Terry met in the Ravenclaw Prefect's bath last night, and things progressed very well. They got completely naked for the first time! It was all so pretty. I thought things were going very well, but when Terry was…well, you know, on his knees, Draco said something he shouldn't have. He said "Oh, Harry."
This completely floored me, and poor Terry too. Draco tried to argue that the poor thing had just heard 'Harry' and that he had said 'Terry' but he was very distinct.
This explains a lot. Draco threatened to have Crabbe and Goyle beat him up if he said anything, but Terry just told Draco that he didn't want to see him anymore. Poor Draco…
Love, Myrtle
March 15th
Dear Diary:
Seamus tried his engorgement charm again, and this time it worked properly. Lavender is going to be very pleased, especially considering his original size.
Professor Sinistra has diarrhea.
Love, Myrtle
April 5th
Dear Diary:
I know I've mentioned this before, but Professor Snape really does masturbate too much.
Love, Myrtle
April 9th
Dear Diary:
Dumbledore got a rubber duck from somewhere, and has been very thrilled about it every bath time so far this week. Lavender lost her money in the 'When will Ron ask out Hermione' pool today. She seemed annoyed. Some of the boys blew up the toilets in the second floor north wing boys' toilet. Filch was furious. I laughed at him, which made him even more angry.
Love, Myrtle
April 21st
Dear Diary:
Harry seems preoccupied, but he won't tell me why.
I told Ron about the betting pool, just to see what happened. He got all red and left the bathroom without his pants, and had to run back in, even more red than before…
The mermaids in the lake were making fun of my hair. I hate them.
Love, Myrtle
May 2nd
Dear Diary,
I can't believe I never discovered it in seven years! Blaise Zabini is a hermaphrodite!
Love, Myrtle
May 9th
Dear Diary,
Padma confronted Draco about being gay, and she did it in my bathroom! (Sometimes I wonder where my luck comes from.) She said that she knew he liked boys, and that was okay, because she liked girls. Unfortunately he denied it, and by evening every person in every bathroom of the school was talking about Padma being a lesbian. She was upset to say the least, and I told her that she should tell everyone that Draco is gay too, but she refused to stoop to his level.
Love, Myrtle
May 17th
Dear Diary,
It turns out that it's okay about Padma. Luna Lovegood asked her out to the last Hogsmeade weekend of the semester, so all is good with them.
Love, Myrtle
May 29th
Dear Diary,
Harry is graduating, and I'm going to miss him. He's staying with the Weasleys for the summer. I might go visit him.
Ginny won the betting pool. Ron asked Hermione out on the last day of exams. She punched him in the face, and then snogged the shit out of him.
Draco asked Terry for his forgiveness, and asked if he could write him over the summer. Then they hid in my bathroom to make out.
Padma is going with Luna to spend the summer hunting Crumple-Horned Snorkdacks.
Seamus and Lavender are engaged.
And now I have an entire summer with no one to amuse me until next year.
Love, Myrtle