Monkey Business
Part I
Brenna "Snakelady" Dawkins
A Jackie Chan Adventures Fanfic

Rating: R Disclaimer: Jackie Chan and subsequent characters belong to Jackie Chan and associates. It'd be pretty useless to sue me since I have nothing! I've made no profit nor will see any from this fic.

Summary: The Monkey King is back and to insure he's never turned into wood again, he must marry into royalty. But when he finds his reluctant Queen, he also falls in love for the first time with someone else.

(Author's note: This isn't in the same uni as my "You Made Me Beautiful: The Sequel/Little China Girl" series. Finn and Jade aren't lovers. I hope I can do the Monkey King some justice here. I'm feeling a bit daunted by the task! Please bear with me!)

The Monkey King stretched hugely.

"It's ali-I-I-I-ive!" He chortled in mock impersonation of Dr Frankenstein. The mischievous simian inhaled the air around him deeply, then choked and spluttered. "Huh, smoggy days are here again. But never fear world, for neither rain, nor snow, nor smog shall keep me from my duties! Speaking of duties... I have a certain archeologist to bury!"

And he was off in search of the one who imprisoned him not once, but twice! How dare a lowly human try to keep him from performing his job! He was supposed to bring joy and laughter to the world! And Chan denied him that! How dare he! Well, he was never one to let someone get the last laugh over him.

Meanwhile, Jade was glaring at the pile of dusty books that she couldn't even begin to understand or read the titles to.

"But Uncle, how can I sort through these if I can't even READ them?" She whined.

"Patience, Jade!" Uncle reminded her. "And besides, it's not how much you know, it's how much you DON'T know!"

Jade's face screwed up feeling perplexed. "That doesn't make any sense." She muttered to herself but grabbed up a book and looked at the undecipherable spine. Well, this was gong to pretty much wreck her Saturday. Which meant she wasn't going to get to go to that children's museum opening of the Turbo Troll exhibit. Bummer. And Uncle Jackie and Tohru were out and about on an errand for Captain Black, so they couldn't rescue her from spending a dull day with Uncle and his musty old and boring books. She tried to think of a scheme to get out of that task.

The phone rang and Jade jumped to answer.

"Rare Finds!" She said habitually.

"Jade?"

"Jackie! You going to spring me?" Jade asked hopefully.

"Jade, I need to speak to Uncle."

Jade sighed. Jackie was being abrupt and that usually mean he was in trouble and she wasn't there to help him out! "What's wrong, Jackie?"

"I can't tell you right now, Jade, I-OW! Cut that out!" That last bit sounded like he was talking to someone on his end.

"Jackie?"

"Look, Jade, just please, get Uncle!"

Jade hurried to fetch the old man who grumbled at being interrupted.

She watched the exchange, hoping she'd figure out what was wrong with Jackie, but Uncle only grunted and nodded and hummed and hawed. So she learned nothing new once Uncle hung up the phone. He looked troubled and was thoughtfully quiet for a moment then he turned to Jade.

"I'm going out, yo-o-o-ou must watch shop while I'm away!" He gave her a slight scowl as a warning. "I will call e-e-ver-y day to make sure you stay put!"

Jade felt her usual impertinence bubble to the surface, but she put on her best game face to fake out Uncle. "No worries, Uncle." She said too readily.

Uncle quirked an eyebrow. He was leery of Jade's ready acceptance but he had no time to argue with her.

"How long will you be gone?" She asked innocently.

Uncle shrugged and replied rather crossly, "How should I know?"

Jade's fake grin faltered a bit but she relented. "Have a good trip!"

"Captain Black will be by to look after you while I'm gone." Uncle told her just before he left. When he went out, she groaned. Now she'd NEVER get a chance to get away what with Black around!

It wasn't long before the director of Section 13 arrived. Jade was behind the counter feeling glum and sorry for herself.

"Well now," Captain Black was all smiles as he sauntered in looking foolishly out of place for being a baby sitter in his usual black trench coat and agent garb. "Looks like we're going to be seeing quite a bit of each other the next few days." He said too brightly, trying to play on Jade's level, but never being too certain as to where that level really was. He usually turned out to be too patronizing for Jade's taste, though she knew he didn't know he was. Sometimes he just tried too hard and she just would grin and bear it best she could. Like now.

"Sure looks that way." She replied back amiably.

"So, hungry? Want me to fix something to eat? I make a killer burrito!" Black smiled, always feeling out of his element when he was left alone with the girl.

Jade tried to smile, "Sure." Anything to get him away for a while. He moved off to the kitchen to fix his specialty. Black was a good friend and all, but right now she just didn't feel like having to put up with anyone treating her like a kid. "Why can't they treat me like anything more then just a kid?" She grumbled to herself.

The door burst open and Jade, startled, looked up to see someone she never expected to see again. She gasped and stood up straight.

"Monkey King! How'd you get free?" She asked nervously. Should she call for Captain Black? No! If she wanted to be treated like an adult, she had to be able to fend for herself!

The simian sneered and whirled into the room. "Beats me! One moment I was drowning in that Jell-O mold o' death and the next, I was out!" He shrugged impatiently, "But that's not what perplexes me the most. What I don't get is why you and yours try to still the laughter! Don't you KNOW that laughter heals all wounds!"

"I think that's TIME that heals all wounds."

"Whatever, like I care!" The Monkey King said gruffly, "Didn't heal this wound right here, sweetheart!" He beat his chest, where his heart resided.

Jade was pertinent, "What do you want?"

"Chan! Where is he?"

"Why should I tell you?" She responded petulantly. Not bothering to tell the sinful simian that she had no idea anyway.

The simian leaned toward her from the other side of the counter, "Wise guy, huh? Well, two can play at that game!" In a flash the monkey whirled around and Jade suddenly found herself dressed in a dog suit. "Fetch! Go fetch, girl!" He whistled and threw a stick towards the door. "What's that Lassie? Uncle Chan's in trouble? Where is he, girl?"

Jade scowled and crossed her arms. The dog suit made it difficult, "Ha ha. You want my help? You can forget it. I'm not going to let you hurt my Uncle Jackie."

"Hurt him?" The King smiled sweetly, "What gave you THAT idea, silly? When did I ever say I was gonna hurt him?"

"YOU did!"

"Listen, KID!" The monkey leapt over the counter and grabbed her. "I'm NOT going back there! I'm never going to become that stupid puppet again! If you wont help me find your stupid uncle, then you can at least help me find a way to stay normal!"

"Why should I help you?" She demanded pertly.

The simian grinned a big toothy grin that wasn't at all friendly, "Because that's what all good boy scouts do!"

"That's great, but I'm a girl, in case you missed it!"

The Monkey King shook his head in agitation, "Look, what's it gonna hurt to do this one favor for me? Look, if you help me, I promise I won't go after your uncle."

Jade considered that. There was no trusting the scoundrel. "What proof can you give me that you will keep your word?"

That gave the ape some pause. Then he grinned again, "Come on, look at this face! How can you deny me?" His eyes widened and he shrunk until he was as cute as a chibi.

Jade's scowl remained as she stared at the King who was doing his outright best to look enduring. "Fine. What do you suggest?"

The ape looked downright pleased, which Jade didn't trust. "Well, your uncle has magic books, right? There's gotta be something in there to help me out."

Jade sighed, "But where in the world would we begin to start? Do you KNOW how many books he has? And most of them are unintelligible!"

The Monkey King scratched his chin between his beards thoughtfully. "Well, have you ever helped him categorize the books?"

She nodded, cringing with the unpleasant memory, "Yeah, some. But it's not as if I knew what was in them."

"I'm sure if we start looking we'll find something. Nothing's gonna happen if we just keep standing around here!" He said brightly.

Jade coughed as he turned to go to the library. He turned back around. "What?"

"Lassie." Her scowl was back full force as she reminded him she still wore the stupid dog suit.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" With a wave of the hand, she was in her normal clothes and the suit was gone. She was dying to know how he could do things like that but decided now wasn't a good time to ask, even though he seemed to be in a somewhat more charitable mood.

It killed him having to be nice to the kid. But she wasn't going to give him what he wanted if he went about things as usual. So he'd play nice, as nice as he could stand as long as the kid was going along with him. It was all too easy. Except he'd give up his beard to play a trick, any trick upon her. But he knew if he did, she'd turn on him just as quickly.

They set to looking through the collection of magic books Uncle had.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Jade wondered after five minutes. She wondered what Black would do if he found the Monkey King hanging around? "We'd better hurry and find whatever it is."

"Why's that?" The Monkey King asked, ever curious.

"My babysitter would take exception to you being here is what."

"Babysitter?" The Monkey King decided that best way to win her over was flattery, "YOU? You certainly proved to even me you can take care of yourself!"

Jade nodded, "Yeah, but that's not how the adults see it."

The Monkey King shook his head, seemingly empathetically. "Then the adults are crazier then I am!"

Jade sighed and flipped through another book. Why should he be making sense all of a sudden? She wanted not to trust it, but at least he wasn't telling her she couldn't take care of herself. He was even asking for her help, something even Jackie never bothered to do. Which made her want to help him all the more, despite her trepidation.

"Hey! I think I found something!" The Monkey King gushed.

"Really?" That was fast, she thought to herself. "What?"

"In order for me to have solid ties to this world, I gotta marry someone with the same background."

Jade blinked, "You have to get married?" And she privately thought, who would marry you?

The Monkey King didn't seem to be too pleased with that. "The ball and chain gang? That's not for me!" He sighed. "So, I gotta marry a Queen, huh?"

"Where's it say you have to marry a Queen?"

"Same background, kid, duh. I'm a King. Gotta marry a Queen." He paused, "Know any?"

Jade half laughed, "You're kidding, right?"

The Monkey King sighed. "Camille's a potential Queen, right?"

Jade's laugh was more realistic, "I think she's already married to a Prince!"

The Monkey King sneered, "Why settle for a Prince when you can have a King! I mean look at me! I'm all stud!" He dropped his books and quickly stood, and began flexing his muscles in body building fashion.

Jade rolled her eyes, "Takes more then that to attract a woman."

"What do you know? You're just a kid." The Monkey King grumbled. How dare she humiliate him like that!

She flared, "Hey! I used to be a Queen! Queen of all Shadow Khan!" He was like all the rest of the adults, treating her like nothing more then a kid and she was sick of it!

That caught his interests and he approached her slowly, "Queen huh? Hell, even defacto Queen should suffice!"

When he grabbed her, only then did she realize her mistake at having told him that much. That was what she deserved for trusting him. That was what she deserved for blabbing out that business about being Queen.

"Hello, my dear Queen! This should be an interesting honeymoon!"

That's it. She screamed, "Captain Black!"

The Monkey King had her under his arm and was about to hop out of the window of the library when Captain Black appeared with gun in hand.

"Unhand the child!" He ordered fully expecting to be obeyed and inwardly thought, what in God's name IS that?

"Sorry, Charley, Jade is my Queen now, go get your own!" He sneered at the man and hopped out the window in a flash before Captain Black could do anything to retaliate.

The Monkey King lunged up to the roofs, his grip on his prize unbreakable. Jade thought she was going to be sick with all the leaping and lurching from roof to roof as the simian made his escape. He couldn't seriously think she'd go along with being his wife, did he? He really WAS crazy then! She shuddered to think what he had planned for her.

It seemed they had been on the skyline of San Francisco forever before they stopped in a vacant building by the waterfront. They leapt through an open window and he tossed her to the ground roughly. She rolled a bit before she came to a halt. .
"That hurt, you moron!" She retaliated crossly.

"Now, now, is that anyway to talk to your Kingy?"

"You will NEVER be MY King!" Jade shouted back in agitation.

The monkey was swift and suddenly had her chin in a vice grip and she was nearly nose to nose with him. His eyes were very unfriendly and his breath was unpleasant. She didn't like being that close to him. She didn't like him to be touching her. She just didn't like him.

"You WILL marry me and you WILL be my Queen!" The Monkey King snarled. Then tried to play good cop once more, "Besides, no one will tell you what to do when you're Queen!"

"You'll always be telling me what to do!"

"King's purgative, sweety!"

"DON'T call me sweety!"

"You can't order ME around! I'm your KING!"

"NO YOU AREN'T!" Jade shouted back impotently, helplessly. He really was going to make her his Queen! This wasn't happening! Where was Black? Where was Jackie? Where was an adult when you really needed one?

Black couldn't fire his gun. He was afraid he'd hit Jade. It was all he could do but watch the ape escape with the girl he had been sent to protect. Great. Criminal organizations he could deal with... one child and he was helplessly out of his element. He grabbed his cell and called up Jackie.

Jade was tied up and the Monkey King paced back and forth before her.

"Gotta find someone to marry us. Make it all official-like." He muttered.

Jade listened to the King talk to himself morosely. She didn't want to get married. Not to the Monkey King, not to anyone! He was planning his wedding as if she weren't even there, even though she could hear every word he uttered. She knew any comment she made would only agitate him further. So far, he hadn't harmed her... but she didn't know how much longer that blessing would last.

He tired of pacing and leaned against the windowsill, peering down on the street. He sighed. He didn't want to get married. Especially not to this young upstart who was nothing but trouble! But what else could he do? He wanted to stay free! He watched a group of men saunter slowly past them from below on the sidewalk. The Monkey King gasped. Suddenly a pair of ridiculously huge binoculars were pressed up against his eyes as he focused in on the group.

"Oh, my! Oh my, my, my!" He turned into a scary rendition of the Joker, white face, red lips and green hair, "Stop the press, who's that?! I'm in love! Me! The Monkey King!"

That got Jade's curiosity up. What was he babbling on about now? And since when did the Monkey King love anyone? She managed to maneuver herself close to the window and peered out and downward in the direction the Monkey King was ogling. She didn't see any women out on that particular street at that time. She scrunched up her face as she strained her eyes. Hey, those suits looked familiar... "Woah, it's the Dark Hand!"

The Monkey Kings head shot up and he spun around looking like his normal self again. He grabbed her and shook her in his excitement, "Who is he? Do you know him? Who IS he?"

He? Well, she didn't know the monkey swung that way. Who was he talking about, one of the Enforcers? "Um, which one are you talking about?"

"Please! Tell me you know them! Tell me you can introduce me to the one in white!" He had her by her collar and she was amazed at the desperate look on his face.

"I know them, I know them, sheesh! Calm down! The one in white? You mean Finn?" She asked disbelieving. No way could he have a crush on Finn. It was unreal!

But the Monkey King's face melted and his eyes got all dreamy. "Finn. My, what a lovely name! Sits on your tongue like butter! Finn! Would a rose by the same name... yadda yadda yadda!"

Jade screwed her face up in distaste. He really, truly WAS crazy! "Finn's a...guy, you know."

"Du-u-u-h! Would a gorgeous creature like that have breasts?"

"But... but, what could you DO with him? You're a guy too!" Then she decided she didn't want to know. Maybe if she helped him get Finn, he'd let her go. "Hey, I know them real good. You know, Finn likes disco."

"Disco, huh? Groovy! I can totally dig that" The Monkey King sighed as he gazed out the window at the Enforcer below. "This is perfect! I'll have you as my Queen and him as my lover! What more could a King ask for?"

Jade blinked. Well, this was partial good news. Did this mean that if he had Finn he wouldn't touch her? "What'll I do, then?"

The Monkey King shrugged impatiently, "Cook and clean, like any other wife, of course! Now, be quiet, I must find a way to woo my beloved!"

A sigh parted Jade's lips. She wondered just how disappointed in her he'd be if he found out she couldn't cook a thing?

To Be Continued...