This is a rewrite of "Spin the Bottle" where Spike shows up at just the wrong moment. If you recall, "Spin the Bottle" aired the Sunday after "Conversations With Dead People," when it became apparent that Spike was under the control of the First Evil. My conceit is that Spike — who is not yet aware of his killing — heads to LA to see Angel and talk about the soul thing. Oh, and if the opportunity presents itself, mention how he slept with Buffy and see the look on Angel's face. Of course all of that goes out the window once he sets foot in the Hyperion. I wrote this back in November of 2002 and posted it on CoA, where it received several positive reviews. I've finally decided to post it here, after editing the story, fleshing out the fight scenes and adding a few vignettes about Spike's trigger that weren't revealed at the time I first wrote it.
Wesley has just announced that they are trapped in this building until they kill a vampire. Spike walks through the front door and looks down at Angel.
"Love the new digs. You've done quite well for yourself, old boy."
"Why are you talking to me, you vile English swine?"
"Not so happy to see Spike, now are you?," he replies, stepping down into the atrium.
Wesley's eyes open wide. "Spike . . . William the Bloody. He must be the vampire we are supposed to kill." The five of them grab their weapons and slowly form a semi-circle around Spike. He is mildly alarmed by their seeming paranoia.
"Wasn't expecting you to roll out the welcome mat, but don't you think the lynch mob's a tad harsh?" Gunn steps towards Spike and prepares to engage him.
"Be careful," Wesley warns. "I've read about him. He's very dangerous."
Angel laughs. "He doesn't look so dangerous to me. Just another English dandy. I've been waiting for a while to pound on one of your kind."
Spike smiles. "I wus planning on a little more foreplay before we got physical, but I see your point. Why waste any more time?" Angel charges in. Spike jumps back and up the steps. Angel keeps charging. Spike lands a right hook and a right kick, knocking Angel down the steps and onto his back. "Looks like all this bloody luxury's made you soft." Angel stands up, goes bumpy and leaps ten feet forward, surprising himself. He blocks Spike's left cross and lands a left jab and a right uppercut, putting Spike on his back. "Now you're gettin' it!," Spike says as he stands up and gets his fang on. They charge forward and trade right hooks hooks before their arms become entangled. As they grapple, the four humans notice that the faces of both fighters look decidedly un-human. Cordelia screams. The two vampires momentarily break it off.
"They're both vampires! Even the hot one," she declares, putting her right hand to her heart and hyperventilating. "This is so unfair!"
Wesley strokes his chin. "They must be in cahoots."
"You think I'd actually work with this swine?"
"Okay Angel, enough with the bloody pig talk.
"What did you call me?"
"It's back to Angelus, then?"
"My name is Liam. And I am not a vampire!" He puts his left hand to his mouth and feels his fangs.
"Back, you slaves of Satan!," Wesley calls out as he rushes forward with a crucifix in his right hand. Spike laughs and takes a step to his right so he's out of Wesley's path. Angel reaches out his right hand to grab the cross, only to get badly burnt. He leaps back in pain, looking at the wound and feeling his forehead. He can't believe the injustice of it all.
"When did I become a vampire?"
Spike chuckles. "About two-and-half centuries ago, mate."
"You did this to me!," Angel yells, pointing at Wesley. "You, and your evil English ways, and your mini music men in a box, and your speeding four-wheeled demons!"
"You didn't say there would be two of them," Cordy tells Wes. "How do kill a vampire anyway?"
"Cordelia!," Spike calls out with a grin. "You've done something to your hair"
"Oh no. oh no! They really did take my hair."
Not at all fearful of the humans, Spike walks up to her. "Shorter, blonder. Trying to catch Angel's eye, now aren't we?"
"How do you know my name? And who's Angel? I don't know any Mexicans."
Spike sighs in frustration as he paces back and forth in front of Cordy and the three strangers. "What is wrong with you bloody people? It's like you're suffering from some sort of collective amnesia. That's it!" At this point, Lorne wakes up. He's behind the humans, and taped to the circular chair. "Lemme guess," Spike continues. "Someone tried a spell and it backfired, and now none of you know who you are. This could be fun. Like a parlor game." Up the stairs above Spike, Angel tries to feel a pulse and continues demonstrably agonizing about his most unjust predicament. As Spike tries to figure out how to handle this delicious situation, he stops in his tracks, and his eyes momentarily look vacant. He returns to his human face and begins to sing:
"Early one morning,
Just as the sun was rising,
I heard a young maid singing,
In the valley down below.
"O, don't deceive me.
O, never leave me.
How could you use,
a poor maiden so?"
"Spike's right!," Lorne yells. "We have to reverse the spell and WHOA!!! I thought Connor had a raging Oedipal Complex when it came to Angel. Yeoh! You, Spikey, are one messed up buckaroo." Spike gets mad at the mind-reading demon and punches him until he returns to unconsciousness.
"Bloody demons."
"Do all vampires say everything's bloody all the time?," Fred wonders. "Doesn't that get tiresome?"
"I'm not a vampire," Angel maintains. "I can't be a vampire. How did this happen? Did father do this to me? Is this my punishment?"
"Oh, bloody hell." Spike punches Angel with a left hook, then kicks him to the ground with a right roundhouse. "Even when you're a blank slate, you still feel all sorry for yourself. Will you stop being so pathetic?"
Angel stands up. "You're the pathetic one, limey!" He grabs Spike by the lapels and throws him into the wall.
"I'm taking blondie," Gunn whispers to Wes. "You think you can handle mopey?"
"First we need to make sure to protect the women."
"Oh please," Cordy scoffs. "You couldn't protect a goldfish."
"I'll take Fred," Gunn calls out.
"No, I'm with Fred."
"You go with Cordelia."
"Why? So that if the vampires don't kill me, she can nag me to death?"
"I don't believe this," Cordy whines. "I'm trapped with these bickering idiots, and the one big, strong, gorgeous guy in the room is a vampire who probably wants to kill me. My life is so unfair!"
"So can I have both Wesley and Gunn with me?," Fred asks with a smile.
"I see what's going on," Spike declares. "Redneck girl - "
"Hey! I ain't no redneck, you rude, undead Billy Idol wannabe!"
"Sorry. Hillbilly girl can't decide if she belongs with the black guy or the English guy. My hunch is that she belongs with neither, cause before the amnesia spell the black guy and the English guy were a couple."
"Why, that's complete and utter poppycock."
"It would explain an awful lot," Cordy quips.
"Look, I don't know about little miss Head Boy over here, but I'm all man."
"So am I," Wesley adds.
"You're half a man at best!," Gunn counters.
"Don't you see what's happening?," Wes asks, trying to bring about a truce. "The vampire is practicing psychological warfare. He is trying to turn us against each other."
"I think it's time we took care of business." Wesley gets his sword to pop out. Gunn grabs his ax.
"Nice collapsible sword," Spike notes. "I thought only the bag guys knew where to get those." Both vampires go bumpy. Wes goes after Angel. He decks Wesley with a quick right hook. Spike ducks under Gunn's ax and kicks him in the chest. Cordy and Fred scream and flee. Wes and Gunn get up and flee as well.
"Just like old times," Spike says, patting Angel on the shoulder. "I think you're getting the hang of it, Liam. Do you feel the blood lust bubbling up?"
"I think I do." Angel smiles. "I like it."
"Smashing. Now go kill those people. I'll stay here and make sure nobody comes in to ambush you."
"That's nice of you, watching my back and all. Thanks, stranger." Angel runs off.
NEXT: Connor meets Spike.