Chapter Seven: Traumatized

Remus rolled off the bed landing with a violent thud on the ground. All twenty-two pages of his letter were stuffed in Harry's hand. His breath quickened as he panicked on the cold floor. He's found out! He'll probably never talk to me again!

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

Remus felt a sting on the rim of his eyes. "Harry… please try to understand… your godfather and I… we…"

"YOU"VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALL THIS TIME AND YOU COULDN'T HAVE JUST TOLD ME?!!!!"

"I understand if you think its weird," Remus got up, hands first like a crab, "but… I loved Sirius… and if you hate me for it… then…"

"HATE YOU? Why would I do that?" Harry asked, turning from raging to inquisitive.

"Well because we're… you know…"

"Oh! I don't hate you at all… I'm just pissed because no one told me."

"Sirius didn't think you were ready."

"Well, it's not like I didn't suspect it. Jeese, the way you looked at each other, you would have thought the other was Marilyn Monroe! The noises from upstairs! The fact that you two were alone with each other for most of the time! You gave me a Christmas present together for God's sake! It just was never on paper… I thought it was just a fling… but I didn't know you were together since fifth year, Merlin!"

"So… you knew the whole time?"

"Well, yes and no. You see, giving a Christmas present together doesn't guarantee sex. But I was like 77 percent sure."

"We were afraid of nothing, then. He and I thought that if we told you it would traumatize you."

Harry then let out a hearty laugh, "Traumatize me? How could you? I battled Voldemort in first year!"

"Good point, you got me there…" He happily sighed in relief. Harry barging in in a rage nearly gave him a heart attack. He couldn't imagine what he'd do if Harry hated him… "Wait a minute… what are you doing here?"

He laughed again at this delayed realization, "Dumbledore said I could stay here a few days," a genuine smile played his lips, "I wanted to see you guys! Besides, I was hearing a rumor about someone's trip to the psychiatrist… although now I finally understand why. You really love him, don't you?"

Remus bit his lip, childlike, "Yes, but don't you mean, loved?"

"No, Remus, love. I'm one of those foolish people who believe that unconditional love isn't something you stop with time." He laughed at his own seriousness, "If it is, then I'm screwed for sure!" Remus smiled sadly at that.

Harry flipped through the pages of his letter, reading some, and skipping some. Suddenly he looked up, "Did my father really stop talking to you once he found out that you were…"

"For a time, yes, he did. He thought we were sick. Only until Lily persisted the issue that he become friends with us again. But he never really understood our relationship; he just pretended that we were just friends."

"Ah, that's too bad. Although, it doesn't surprise me. Not many people understood, back then. Neither do they do now, really. Only now it has become a sort of ridiculous fad… just another output for sex with no strings attached… In truth, I never liked the idea myself. But then I read what you wrote… and… it makes sense. Gays who love each other are just as genuine as strait people who love each other… I don't think a lot of people grasp that… that unconditional love is… just that! Love without condition."

"You're a very wise person, Harry."

"Nah," he said sheepishly, "I think the same way a lot of people do. I just say it out loud."

"Thank you for understanding."

"Oh, thanks is unnecessary! Understanding is the business only of the person who is trying to understand!"

"I appreciate it though," Remus whispered softly. He sat on his bed again. "The only reason we didn't tell you was that we were afraid that you wouldn't understand. I underestimated you; you're more of an adult than I thought you were."

"Bah, you're starting to sound like Dumbledore…"

"What?"

"Never-you-mind. Anyways, tell me about this psychiatrist…"

He told. He told about the old magazines, the stuffy atmosphere, the small attention span of the muggle Doctor, the suicide attempts, the prescription…

"Zodof? You didn't take it yet did you?" Harry winced.

"No," he answered, "It's right there on my desk…"

With that he took the drug off the desk and threw it in the trash. Remus got up, eyes flashing. "You don't need that stuff, Remus…"

"But, Harry… if I don't I'll…"

"Commit Suicide? Join the club! Remus, you might not believe it, but I've gone through as many troubles as you. The Dursleys took me to a muggle doctor as well, and he prescribed me this stuff. It's horrible! It's worse than cigarettes, alcohol, pot, cocaine, heroin, all those drugs mix together! It makes you feel good at first… but at the same time it doesn't… It just washes away those thoughts of suicide. It feels like your living in a cloud, your not happy but your not sad either. And once you stop taking it, the pain feels so much worse, and you have to take more and more… I've heard horrible things about this stuff, once people take it, there never quite right again! I know a girl who can't produce a certain chemical in her brain anymore, because of these types of drugs! I just got off it a couple days ago. I'm not going to let you go through what I went through, Remus!"

"But, Harry, I'm in the middle of a depression, what am I supposed to do? I'm scared the wolf will go crazy! I'm scared if I don't hurt myself I'll hurt others! You don't have to deal with a monster inside of you!"

"Don't I?"

Harry's face was void of emotion, eyes harsh as a statue, "You forget so easy…"

Remus felt his heart rip out of his body, he had forgotten. Voldemort was eating Harry alive. He had much, much more of a monster to cope with inside of him. "Oh gosh, Harry," He felt his eyes well up with effeminate tears, "I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have said that."

"Just trust me, alright? This stuff just makes the whole situation a lot worse for you. For some people who have depressions, yes, it does work occasionally. But you just lost your lover! What are you supposed to be? Happy?"

"No, but…" he sniffed, "Sometimes, I think that I just can't go on without him…"

Harry turned away, to the window, opening the dusty curtains and letting the bright sunlight in the foggy room. He stared into the sunny overcast, glasses reflecting the light. A couple of birds flew together in the London morning air. "You know, Remus, a lot of people think that heaven is in the clouds, and hell is inside of the earth. A bunch of rubbish if you ask me… Someone told me a very long time ago, I don't even remember who now, that the spirit of someone who dies doesn't go in the clouds, or underneath the earth… that they are inside the hearts of every person they meet. It's silly, I know, but it stuck with me since I was little. And now that Sirius is gone, I think that most of his spirit is in… you…" He pointed, simply, to Remus' heart, "so you couldn't be without him, could you?"

Remus, who had been crying for some time, let out a happy sob.

A/N: I don't know if I should stop here or not, any ideas?