If you are a huge fan of Subaru and can't bear to see him dead, READ NO
FURTHER.

Thank you and good night.

**********************************************************************
"I wish to register a complaint! Yo, homeboy!"

"Who are you calling 'homeboy'?"

"I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to complain about this onmyouji that I bought
not a half an hour ago from this boutique."

"Oh, the Japanese Black. Is there something wrong?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with him, Dr. Sakurazuka. He's DEAD, that's what's
wrong with him!"

"He's only sleeping, Fuuma."

"Look, Dr. Sakurazuka, I know a dead onmyouji when I see one..."

::whomp::

"...and I'm looking at one right now."

"He's not dead, he's only sleeping."

"All right, I'll wake him up then! HELLO, SUMERAGI SUBARU! I'VE GOT A PACK OF
MILD SEVEN CIGARETTES FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET UP!!"

::bam::

"See? He moved!"

"That was you slamming a hand on the table!"

"I never hit the table!"

"I saw you!"

"I NEVER...all right, I did."

"HELLO SUBARU!!"

::slamslamslamslamslamslamslamslamslam::

"WAKEY WAKEY!! NO MORE BEAUTY SLEEP FOR YOU YOUNG MAN!!"

::whiz:: ::BOOM::

"Now that's a dead onmyouji."

"He's only stunned, Fuuma."

"Stunned!? Where the hell did you get that from!?"

"Anyone would be stunned after you threw them across the room and followed it
with one of your big explosions. Too bad, he was stirring."

"Now look, Dr. Sakurazuka. That onmyouji is dead, and when I purchased him less
than half an hour ago, you told me that his lack of movement was due to his
being tired and shagged out from exorcising a horde of ghosts that were
haunting the Shibuya area!"

"Um, well, he's probably pining for Kyoto. Lovely onmyouji, ne? Silky black
hair. Goes well with the white skin, doesn't it?"

"PINING FOR KYOTO!? What the hell is that!? Why is his trenchcoat glued onto
him!?"

"If it hadn't been glued, he would've gone 'OOGA-BOOGA!' ripped the trenchcoat
off with his remaining clothing, and go tearing off after more demons."

"'Ooga-booga'?"

"Precisely."

"Dr. Sakurazuka, this onmyouji wouldn't go 'Ooga-booga' if you fed him uppers
and gave him wasabi to finish it off!"

"He's only pining for Kyo..."

"He's NOT pining. He's passed away. He's checked out! He's bitten the dust! His
blood is still! If we drew him right now there'd be 'X's where his eyes are and
his tongue sticking out! He's ready to become processed food! If he wasn't
here, he'd be two meters underground! He's no longer in the land of the living,
he's vulture food, he's not ventilated...there's a HOLE IN HIS CHEST! THIS IS A
LATE ONMYOUJI!!"

"Well. Better replace it."

"Finally."

"I'm terribly sorry, Fuuma. I looked around the back, and we're out of
onmyoujis."

"I see."

"I've got a nice bishonen."

"AAAAAAAAARRRGGH!! HELP HELP HELP!!"

"And as you can see, he's VERY alive."

"LET GO OF ME! PERVERT-Fuuma!"

"Well, it looks like you two know each other."

"Is he obedient?"

"Yes. Incredibly submissive, he is. Lovely violet eyes he's got, hasn't he?"

"I'll take him, then."

"All right."

Monty Python copyright Python (Monty) Productions & BBC.
TB & X copyright CLAMP.


Inspired fic written by Daniel Snyder.