FlowerOfMidnight's Author's note: This fanfic was written by moi, and BitterSweetPill... two random humour fanfic authors at your service. The bits with Neo, Morpheus and Trinity and the coat thief are mine, the bits with the Oracle are hers. Please R&R. :-)
BitterSweetPill's Author's note: Wowses peeps...my first 'humourous' non-script fic. Can't spell humourous but who cares?! Um...as already said, all the Oracle's sections are mine and the human's sections are Flowerofmidnight's...dude...isn't that spoon bending kid weird? are they a girl or boy? are they english/american/australian? o - 0
This starts on a nice sunny morning in February...
Well actually it doesn't, for several reasons. One, you don't get nice sunny mornings in my fanfics, unless something's going to drop out of the sky/get shot/drowned in ketchup, etc. Two, there is no such thing as a nice sunny morning in February, not even in the Matrix. And three, in Zion, how could you tell if it was sunny anyway?
But it could have been, I guess.
ANYWAY, it starts in Neo's bedroom.
Where he is snoring.
Loudly.
"SCHNOOORWEEE!" he snorted, and woke up from a horrible nightmare.
"NOOO!" he howled, and grabbed for his faithful comfort blanket, which should have been hanging on the bedside table.
"NOOOO!" he howled, impaling his hand on a hairbrush.
"NOOOOO!" he howled, finally getting to the point (it takes Neo a long time to grasp these things, poor boy) and realising that his nightmare had come true. This called for an urgent conference, and a top priority mission for the One.
Someone had taken his ultra-stylish leather coat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile, far far away...
The Oracle sat at her table in the kitchen reading a newspaper.
The Kid who bends spoons came in.
Well, that ain't his/her name, and it's too long to type, so let's just called him/her Jay.
He/she sat at the table and stared pointedly at her.
"What Jay?"
"There's someone at the door."
The Oracle raised an eyebrow.
"Who?"
Jay shrugged and eyed the spoon in the Oracle's coffee.
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!"
Jay scowled and walked off.
The Oracle opened the door and found agent Smith fidgeting with a small figure in a hoodie.
"Can I help you?" She leant against the door frame.
Smith grimaced and pushed the figure towards her.
"THIS, is yours."
The Oracle looked at the hooded creature.
"You sure?"
Smith sneered.
"A troubled youth, arrested for some random act against society?"
The Oracle nodded.
"Come in..."
The thing came in and sat down.
Smith handed her some files.
"Here...This should explain stuff to you..."
He left. Rather quickly. In a manner that could've been described as running...
The Oracle went back inside and opened the heavy manila envelope.
She read it as the Hoodie looked at her.
"So, your name's Norman is it?"
The hoodie nodded.
"Ok hon, just interrupt anything that's incorrect."
She cleared her throat and read it out.
"Name: Lord Norman Peziwick III
Age: 15
Height: 5'5
General: Orphaned at 5, arrested at 14 for freeing Flamingos at the local Zoo..."
She looked at Norman.
Norman shrugged
"Has abandonment issues and dislikes people who are 'icky'."
Norman shrugged again and the Oracle put down the files.
"Why don't you take the hoodie off dear, I need to look at you."
Norman backed away.
"Take it off."
Norman shook their head.
"NOW."
Norman squealed and promptly ran into the wall, missing the door by about...a metre or two.
The Oracle shook her head.
She opened the files and wrote at the bottom in small, neat writing: "Dim."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Morpheus, Trinity and Neo were sitting round a conference table in an urgent meeting. The Kid had been sent out for coffee. Not that they particularly needed the coffee, but it was always fun watching him burn his hands on the coffee jug.
None of them were their - usual - selves. Morpheus looked like a nerdy drug-dealer in an anorak. Neo was inconsolable in his dressing gown, and while he'd have preferred Trinity to adjust to the situation by not wearing any sort of top at all (the little PERVERT), she had in fact, done something far worse.
Far, far worse.
She was wearing a poncho. With a tasselled fringe.
Neo and Morpheus had to put on their mirrored sunglasses just to bear it.
"So," said Trinity, oblivious of their horror-stricken looks. "Who would have done such a horrible thing? Who would have done such a horrible thing, KNOWING THAT I WOULD GAIN REVENGE?"
Neo was far less eloquent about the situation. "Nasty people took COOOOAT!" he wailed, huddling himself into his dressing gown, which had, incidentally, bunnies stitched on the pocket.
Morpheus gritted his teeth. "So, how about we put off the saving of men from the machines, and turn first to the far more important issue of finding our coats?" he suggested to Trinity.
"Yeah, dude, let's just all go save those dudey monkeys."
There was a long pause.
Morpheus stared strangely at Trinity.
She blinked. "I mean, of course we can't save the world till we get our coats back."
Morpheus raised an eyebrow.
"OK!" she yelled. "IT'S THE PONCHO! ITS HIPPIE-VIBES ARE GETTING TO ME!"
"mimblewimble," squeaked Morpheus.
Trinity leant across and tried to console Neo, who was sobbing silently.
"There there," she said sympathetically, giving him a hug. Neo merely cried harder and she shot a worried glance at Morpheus.
Just then the Kid ran in, screaming in agony as his hands roasted slowly on the metal coffee jug. "I - got - your - coffee - Neo - ARGH!" he cried, placing it on the table and managing to knock boiling coffee all over himself in the process.
Neo looked up from his self-pity session and beamed slowly as the Kid dashed around screaming and waving his arms around madly in the air.
"Never fails," whispered Morpheus smugly.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------At the same time...
Jay walked through the streets.
He/She never went out by himself.
Not during the day anyway.
"Nasty light...Nasty..." Jay mumbled to him/herself.
Jay stopped as they walked past a nice, shiny, red car.
"ooooooo!"
He/She went to it, pulled on the handle, when it didn't open, they looked about, then bent the lock.
It opened, and off they went, in their new, nice, shiny car.
Did I mention it was red?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trinity had refused to change her poncho before they went into the Matrix. Morpheus suspected the two were forming an emotional attachment. After all, it had to be easier forming a complex bond with a poncho than with Neo. At least it wouldn't get all giggly and start blushing every time Trinity mentioned the word "kissing".Morpheus hadn't changed the anorak, but that was simply because he'd got out his Village People tribute act jumpsuit and all the bright colours and sequins had brought Neo out in a panic attack.
As for Neo...
"Neo, hurry up in there will you?" bawled Trinity, banging on the bathroom door. "We've got to go and find our coats!"
"OOOOOH!" came a squeal from inside the bathroom. A second later, a figure slammed through the door screaming "COATIECOATIECOATIEWHERECOATIEWHERECOATIEWANNACOATIENOOOOOW!!!"
"We haven't got Coatie yet Neo. We're just going to find him now," Trinity sighed.
"Hey!" yelled Morpheus, noticing Neo's new outfit. "That's MY VILLAGE PEOPLE TRIBUTE ACT JUMPSUIT!"
"Is it?" Trinity frowned. "Oh yeah. I guess wearing this rainbow striped poncho must make me immune to bright colours."
"But - but it's MINE! I sewed on those sequins myself! It's MY JUMPSUIT!" Morpheus howled, jumping up and down.
"Sequins very pretty," agreed Neo, flashing him an innocent and entirely unwary smile.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Oracle gaped at Norman.
Pulling off the hoodie had been hard enough, but she'd got quite a shock when she saw Norman's hair.
Long, thick, straight and Vermillion red.
Not just the colour.
But the fact that the face the hair hid was most definitely...
"Female?!"
The Oracle looked at Norman.
Yup, it was a girl all right.
"You're a girl? Why're you called Norman then?!"
Norman simply shrugged.
The Oracle looked at the files, it said nothing about Norman being a girl.
Except that her mother and doctor were blind.
That might explain it.
Like, how Mrs. Peziwick mistook her daughter for a boy.
And how the doctor had managed to leave a duck tattooed onto her lower arm.
Wait a minute...
"You got a tattoo?" The Oracle tilted her glasses to look at Norman.
Norman shrugged, and spoke for the first time.
"I like ducks."
The Oracle simply sighed.
"Well...just try to stay out of trouble, and obey the house rules.
And don't upset Jay."
"Jay's being naughty."
The Oracle looked at her.
"Are you second sighted?"
Norman shook her head.
"I saw that photo of him/her."
Points to photo of Jay.
"And saw that car out there."
Points out of window to Jay driving nice, shiny red car into an ice-cream stand.
The Oracle rubs her eyes.
"Not again..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One black eye later (Neo's) and several broken ribs (Morpheus') Neo had still refused to hand over the jumpsuit. Morpheus had reluctantly loaned it to him ("But if one sequin comes off, JUST ONE, I MEAN IT...") since he didn't really have much choice.
Trinity was whistling "We all live in a yellow submarine" all the way to the Matrix entry point where they'd found Link hiding under one of the computers in a V-necked sweater rocking back and to mumbling to himself. It didn't matter that he'd never actually wore a big leather coat before. It was the principle. They had managed to threaten him into getting them into the Matrix eventually and were now standing outside a severely damaged ice-cream stand.
"So who would have done it anyway?" Morpheus asked Trinity, while they left Neo to gather up all the discarded ice-cream with the big group of gleeful five and six-year-olds.
"Well, I'm betting on those Agents Smith and Brown. They are SO rude! We've sent them a Christmas card both the last two years, but they STILL haven't replied!"
"Uh-huh," answered Morpheus absent-mindedly as he watched Neo playing tag with the children.
It dawned on Trinity that it wasn't Smith and Brown she was pissed off at. Well, it was, but that was just the normal getting-pissed-off-at-everyone thing. No, she hadn't felt right since...since...
::Peace, dudette::
since she'd put on the poncho.
::Peace, dudette:: the voice in her mind said again.
Trinity looked down. "Poncho? Are you - talking to me?"
::Nope::
"Oh my god!" cried Trinity, looking around fearfully. "Who is it then?"
::I'm just sending thoughts into your mind dude. Isn't that like, radical?::
"Oh good," Trinity sighed. "It is you. For a moment there, I thought I was going mad."
::Now chill Trinity, and listen up. There are some really cool things we're going to do, right?::
Trinity grinned.
::But first, we're going to need some HEAVY weed, dude...::
Trinity reached down, and gently fingered a stray thread on the rainbow striped hippie poncho. "We gets it, my precious, we gets it..." she hissed, and then added as an afterthought, "...dude..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jay and Norman have been sat on the sofa in the living room as the Oracle talks to the police officer.
"Yes...I understand...it won't happen again."
The officer leaves and the Oracle turns to the kids.
"Jay. You are grounded for a month. No, a YEAR."
"I don't go out anyway."
"Don't be facetious!"
Jay grumbled and went to his/her room.
Norman watched the television silently.
It was horse racing.
"Ooo!"
She pointed and smiled.
"You could tell me who was going to win couldn't you?"
"This isn't the time dear."
The Oracle went into the kitchen and started baking.
Of course she knew who was going to win, and by how much, but that wasn't her style.
Was it?
Another chapter coming soon!
And everyone's favourite gay couple, Smith and Brown!
::And don't forget more of the mind-controlling rainbow striped hippie poncho::