Chapter Eight: I Guess You Could Call This A Transition Of Sorts
Why do I even put in this little descriptor anymore? I mean, hel-LO! We've already clearly established that this is a parody and it's funny and my friends laugh at it. So I'm not gonna bother repeating it anymore. It's over. No! Yes! LOLZ!
It was 4:48 PM when Lisa let out a whoop of triumph and dove into her writing room with a grin on her face and a leaf of paper in her hand. "I found it!" she yelled, "I found it!"
"What is it?" said Yugi, his voice tinged just a bit with dread.
"The lost page," said Lisa ominously, pulling out a typewriter.
There was a pause, in which it was obvious the boys expected her to elaborate, but she didn't. Finally Yoh spoke up. "Well...?"
Lisa had been just about to start typing and seemed a bit miffed that he'd interrupted. "Well what?"
"Aren't you going to tell us what's written on that lost page?"
The writer put her hands on her hips. "Now Yoh, what makes you think I'd do a silly thing like that?"
Yoh hesitated. "Well, the way you said it implied-"
"Hah. En tus sueños, señor. I was just building suspense. Don't worry, I'll let you know when it starts, for whatever good it'll do you." She cracked her knuckles and set her fingers on the typewriter keys. "Now, shall we begin?"
Back in the real story, Yoh had found a piece of chalk and drawn some stick figures on the wall of the air vent. He crossed them off one by one as Luffy guessed who they were.
"Yugi. Yugi's brother. Naruto. Anzu. The albino kid with the accent. Antenna Head. The blond kid." The pirate scratched his head. "That's all? I could have sworn we had more than that."
"Nope, that's all," Yoh sighed. "Now it's up to us to beat Keiei and save everyone else."
Luffy sat up straight and hit his head on the top of the vent. "Ow!" He put his hand on top of his head to make sure his hat was still there, which it was. "You've gotta be nuts! There's no way we can beat her on our own," he protested. "I mean, she even took out Naruto and he was a ninja just like her!"
"Not to be rude, Luffy, but Naruto wasn't a very good ninja to begin with. And I know we can't beat her ourselves! What do you take me for?" He shook his head. "Even with your... weird... stretchy powers... and a samurai ghost on our side, it doesn't matter if she can take us out with one hit. We're gonna need reinforcements."
Luffy thought for a second. "You're probably right," he admitted. Then his face lit up and he snapped his fingers. "Grognor! He was supposed to be coming, wasn't he?"
"I guess, but I have a feeling he got lost on the way or something. Not that he'd be able to get past the ice barricade at the front door. Anyway, I don't know what help he'd be," Yoh added. "We need something more along the lines of a S.W.A.T. team. Or Rent-A-Zilla."
"Here's an idea," said Luffy. "We get our butts out of the house first, and then worry about what we do next."
"Marvelous. Let's do that," said Yoh, looking down through the grate between them. "There're a million rooms in this house. We'll just go into the first one we see and hop out the window."
They opened the grate as quietly as possible and made sure the coast was clear, then dropped down and landed softly in the hallway. Yoh gestured at the first door he saw, and they tried it, but it was locked. "Well, so much for your plan," said Luffy.
"Shut up and try the next door," Yoh snapped. "She could be back at any moment."
"Who?"
Yoh ignored him and tried the next door. It was also locked. And as they proceeded down the hall, so was the next door, and the next, and the next. All the while Yoh kept getting more and more nervous; he was almost positive he could hear footsteps coming closer.
After the sixth door refused to budge, Luffy stopped and cast Yoh a condescending look. "Your plan sucks," he said bluntly.
"Shhh!" Yoh looked back. "What's that sound?"
"What sound?"
There was an odd groaning coming from the ceiling panels.
A second later, before Yoh even had time to shout a warning, a shadow-type ninja appeared in the hall. Not out of nowhere, actually; she had just come out of the air vent not fifty feet away from them, hence the ceiling groan. Both boys yelped. "Luffy! Break something down!" Yoh shouted in a panic, readying his PVC pipe as Keiei rushed down the hall. Luffy didn't need to be told twice, and punched the door with all his might. It shuddered, but didn't fall yet. Keiei drew two sais and lunged for Yoh, but the latter blocked, and the sais embedded themselves in the pipe up to half its width.
Luffy punched the door again, and with a massive creak, it fell inwards and crashed to the floor. Yoh abandoned his now-useless weapon and both boys bounded into the room, and crossed it to the curtains drawn over the window. "We're gonna make it!" Luffy exclaimed as he flung open the curtains -
- and found only a solid brick wall underneath.
Yoh's face and spirits fell abruptly. "Aw, maaan!"
"Talk about ironic," said Luffy disgustedly as Keiei, with a triumphant laugh, hurled their cards across the room and took out all three of them (including the ghost) in one move.
"The end," said Lisa, smiling. Yugi, Yoh, Luffy, and Naruto all started strangling her at the same time.
"GAK! I was - KIDDING-" she gasped.
"Oh, sorry," said Naruto as they all let go. "It's just you're usually serious when you say something like that."
Lisa rubbed her neck. "Where the hell'd you get that idea? I write humor, for crying out loud. And besides, if you killed me you'd never get to see the events of the Lost Page, which is what's coming next. Savvy?"
"The Lost Page!" exclaimed Yugi. "I remember now! Isn't that the one where Keiei -"
"Yes, dear," said Lisa, and with that she resumed typing.
Keiei returned to the ice-sealed foyer at a leisurely pace, humming contentedly. As she walked she ticked off all ten new cards in her hand and smiled. "So at last, I have collected all ten at participating Stealyoursoul-Mart locations." She nodded, but then at the top of the stairs another thought struck her. "Wait. If I got them all in playing cards, who's going to duel me to get them back? Maybe that's what the albino kid meant I forgot..." she muttered.
"What's that about the albino kid?" said a voice from behind her that was at the same time familiar and unfamiliar, if such a thing is possible.
Keiei, with her mad ninja reflexes, had already finished whirling to face him by the word "that". A look of mixed surprise and anger crossed her face; the speaker was more or less the albino kid she'd been talking about. I say "more or less" because she was quite certain she had Ryou's soul with her, stuffed inside the card on the top of her deck. So the first word out of her mouth was, understandably, "Wazzaa...! Why are you walking!"
And then she noticed. His shirt was unbuttoned, revealing a chest that was sexy for him but could probably be called anorexic in the real world, and of course showing off the - I shouldn't have to tell you what. I really shouldn't, you should know this... anyone? ... You're all going to do horrible on the SAT. Anyway, Keiei eyed the Ring and sneered in disgust. "I guess I should have seen that coming, huh?"
"Yeah, you should've," said Bad Bakura, nodding.
"Well, what do you want? If you came to be included in the collection, I'm afraid I can't do that, since I didn't actually prepare a card for you, on account of you're supposed to be dead to the nth power," said Keiei impatiently. "Of course, if you want me to make you dead to the n-plus-oneth --"
"I've come for what's mine," Bakura replied incisively.
"What's yours?" Keiei snorted. "None of these are yours. I stole them fair and square."
"I'm sure you did. But I'm the thief here, and I'd rather not be thieved on, if you please. So just hand over the boy and I won't hurt you as much as I was planning to," said Bakura.
Keiei looked through her new cards. "Which boy? Apart from Miss Full-On Friendship, they're all boys."
Bakura rolled his eyes. "The one that stole my face, you idiot." He held out his hand. "Now give him here like a good girl."
The ninja paused for a moment, then smiled like a Siamese cat. "You're gay, right?"
Bakura's eyes widened indignantly. "Wha- I'm not gay!" he yelled.
"Then why do you want him back so badly?" persisted Keiei, moving closer. "He's a pansy, he's boring, he can't do anything right, and he's obviously getting in the way of your deep dark ambitions. What on Earth reason would you have to want him back?"
"He's good cover! He's the whole reason the pharaoh thinks I'm dead and I can get away with anything I damn well please."
Keiei waved the pharaoh's card in front of Bakura's face. "But the pharaoh isn't in a position to do anything about it, is he?"
Bakura sputtered for a second, then regained his composure. "Look, just give me the kid back. Is that so much to ask? He's probably a crappy card anyway."
Keiei looked at Ryou's card. "Yep. His flip effect is 'this card flips over.' But the fact that you want him so bad is great incentive for me not to give him up without an epic struggle, no matter how much he sucks." She grinned. "Tell you what - I'll duel you for him. How's that sound? If you win, I give you back your boyfriend -"
"HE'S NOT---"
"- and if I win, I get to kill you in a very unpleasant way." She held out her hand. "Is it a deal?"
Bakura folded his arms and glared. "Not gay."
Keiei rolled her eyes and pressed a hand to her forehead. "Good Lord, some people just don't know how to take a compliment."
"Well, get used to-" He did a double-take. "Wait, a compliment!"
Lisa paused for a moment, thinking. "Penny for your thoughts?" said Luffy, tossing her a penny.
The author caught it. "The duel's gonna be pretty long. And it's gonna be ridiculously bad, since I still both hate and suck at writing duels. I guess I'll cut this short and give the epic battle its own chapter. Sound good to you?"
"Works for me," said Naruto.
"I'm game," said Yoh, not recognizing his pun.
"If it means I finally get to make an appearance, I'm willing to do just about anything," said Yugi.
"I want my shoe back!" Luffy whined.