TURNING THE TABLES
Chapter IV – Truth and consequences (part 2)
Elizabeth watched her hand, the fingers poised hovering just above the the door handle.
'Could she do this?' She thought to herself.... he seemed determined to go it alone and was bound to send her away again; would she have the strength and determination to see it through, to make him see all she wanted to do was to help, to be there for him.
Make him Elizabeth...Susan's words reverberated loudly in her head.It was time to stop running. She willed strength to her fingers and watched as they turned the handle and she pushed forward into the room....
Robert's head was still resonating with the revelation of Marty's calmly delivered prognosis.... all these months of pain had been for nothing.... he'd worked his ass off and sweated tears.... all for it to be taken away from him in a moment, just as his arm had been that night up on the roof.
This wasn't simply another lost battle ....it was the end...the end of his career and everything he'd ever worked for.... gone was hope...and with it his life. He closed his eyes and immediately felt dizzy as he felt himself spiral deeper into the abyss. The tell tale lump in his throat, cut off his air and he squeezed his eyes shut harder, trying to stem the tears that began to flow. His chin dipped down to his chest in defeat, as the tears escaped silently dropping onto his hands....
He felt two arms wrap around him, and he latched on to the warmth and security they offered without thinking. The warmth was all encompassing and he clung to it desperately, while he struggled to gain back some semblance of identity. It was a hard fight, but eventually he brought himself under control and opened his eyes to see his human security blanket...
ElizabethHe'd known in his heart it could only have been her.... no one else would be mad enough to come near him. She was still here, still trying to placate him out of some misplaced sense of guilt, or worse still...pity.... the last thing he wanted from her was that. Summoning more strength, he drew renewed air into his lungs and spoke in a quiet, dispassionate voice, "Go away."
The cold tone and words stung her, causing her to blink; at the same time he pushed her off him and turned his face away from her.
"Robert, let me...."
"Shouldn't you be with Ella?" he continued, "Y'know your daughter...the one you let play in ambulance bays...or has she graduated to jaywalking now?" he spat out coldly.
So that was to be his game....goading cruelty. She felt the temper rising within her, and fought to keep it under control determined not to let him push her away.
"So who's watching her this time Elizabeth...the bogyman?" he persisted.
"Shut up Robert." She snapped, the tears forming in her eyes.
"I mean you do know, right?"
"Robert...I'll not let you do this."
"Do what?"
"I won't let you push me away...I'm here to help if you like it or not."
"HELP?" he laughed aloud bitterly, "I think you've helped enough already. You wanna know what Marty said?" He pointed at his left arm.
"My arms fucked Elizabeth.... happy now.... there's no way I'll ever operate again...and I'll be lucky to even have 10% sensory feeling...it's fucked.... I'm fucked!"
He saw her face crumple as his words sunk in. "So I think you've done enough on the help front."
Already fearing what he was implying, she asked the question. "What do you mean?"
"What do I mean.... that this is your fault." He spat.
"Mine?" she exclaimed.
"Yes yours.... if you weren't such a complete loser as a parent, I wouldn't have to leap in front of ambulances would I...in short.... my arms fucked beyond repair all thanks to you."
Elizabeth stared at him through a veil of tears. Did he mean that.... did he really blame her for this.... and worse still, was he right?
Her hand went to her mouth as she mumbled pathetically, "I'm so sorry Robert.... is that what you truly believe?"
He turned his face from her and dipped his head.
"Yes." He heard his voice rasp, speaking out against his heart.
Elizabeth turned and fled the room...he snapped his head round and watched her go, feeling himself go into freefall...
After she'd gone Robert summoned the nurse and requested some Tylenol. After swallowing the pills he closed his eyes and lay back against the pillow, feeling awful. He'd wanted her to go away, but he hadn't meant to go that far. He didn't blame her for this and he knew he'd have to tell her that if she ever came back. Robert suspected though, he'd finally burnt his last bridge where she was concerned...turning his head to the side he sighed and let sleep overcome him...
Later that afternoon, he sat up in bed absently flicking through the TV channels when a knock at the door caused him to look up.
"Hey Dr Romano." Susan Lewis breezed casually into the room. "How you holding up? Started digging any escape tunnels out of here yet, cause the nurses say they're happy to help."
He chuckled despite his foul mood, and rewarded her with a brief smile.
"To what do I owe this displeasure Lewis?" he barked half-heartedly.
"Just wanted to check on my favourite grumpy smurf."
"Smurf? You cheeky..."
She tossed him a packet of M&M's before he could complete the sentence and he caught them out of instinct. He looked down and smiled when he realised what they were.
"Okay, for these I'll let that comment slide this one time, but don't get too cocky."
Susan smiled and pulled a chair up to the bed, her gaze fixed firmly on his face.
"So Robert...how are you.... really."
"Just peachy." He said ripping open the bag with his teeth.
She rolled her eyes up to the ceiling and continued. "What do they say about the arm?"
His eyes shot to hers sharply and he fixed her with a fierce stare.
"None of your beeswax!" he said crossly. "You think a packet of candy makes you my best buddy or something?"
Susan frowned at him and crossed her arms defensively. Cocking her head towards the door she continued.
"No.... your best buddy Robert, is outside this room crying 'cause you're a stubborn shit who's determined to punish her for one little mistake."
"You can go now Dr Lewis!" he yelled, dismissing her.
"No...I'll go when I'm ready Dr Romano...Elizabeth's a good friend of mine and it's pissing me off no end to watch you treating her like this...Robert the woman is in love with you for Christ's sake and you're so knee deep in feeling sorry for yourself you can't even see it!"
He heard the words and tried to reconcile their meaning in his head. Elizabeth loved him? Could it be true?
"I think your mistaking love and pity." He whispered more to himself.
"Bullshit. And don't think that I don't know you love her back!"
His head shot up, anger flaring at his nostrils. He inhaled sharply and opened his mouth to yell, but she beat him to it.
"The only person guilty of pity here Robert, is you! Look you weren't alone on that roof...I still have nightmares to this day about it, and I think it'll always haunt me. You got your arm sliced off for Christ's sake and nearly died and you're the one having to deal with that everyday I know...But I saw it happen, I had to patch you up along with Luka.....it was awful Robert, it's the most single, scariest traumatic thing I've ever seen...I've tried talking about it to people, but no one understands and it drives me crazy...but you have a woman out there who wants to help you, who wants to understand, who wants to love you...just get over yourself and let her!"
They stared at each other as she finished ranting; then without warning she stood up kicking the chair back and left, leaving a very much stunned Robert staring after her....
Robert let Susan's words linger in his head. He sighed as he heard the door open and glanced up to see who it was coming to bug him now. Elizabeth pushed her head round the door, her face impassive, but made no move to enter. She looked to him for what he thought was an invitation.... not surprising, considering their last meeting. He glanced sideways at the chair next to the bed and shrugged his shoulders slightly. He watched her smile tentatively as she walked in, and flopped down heavily into the chair.
Robert looked at her properly for the first time in months.... really looked at her. She looked pale and her face was lined with exhaustion. The normally bright eyes were rimmed red from crying.... tears, that had been shed for him. The thought of her crying tears over him hurt and yet pleased him too. Despite all this she was still as beautiful as ever to him. He swallowed as they regarded each other, unsure as to who should speak first. Robert broke the deadlock ...
"I owe you an apology."
Of all the things he might have said, that was not one she expected. Elizabeth looked into his eyes, confusion evident.
"About before.... I don't blame you for any of this." He said nodding at his arm. "I was way outta line with what I said...none of this is your fault.... you're a good mom.... so erm...I'm y'know.." Robert mumbled awkwardly.
"Never were any good at saying sorry were you?" she chuckled.
He allowed a small smile to play across his mouth.
"Well I just wanted to clarify the point.... whatever happens, I don't blame you.... and just so you know...I'd do it again in an instant."
"I know...thank you." Elizabeth replied, looking down at his hands and fell silent again. She reached over and placed a hand over his bandaged left forearm. Robert looked down at the touch and ruminated sadly, that the he could not feel it. He yanked the arm away from her as if he'd been burned....
Elizabeth drew her hand back into her other, wringing them together in her lap.
"Sorry." She said quietly.
"Elizabeth, what is it you want from me... why do you keep coming back?" he asked, softly.
"I want us back ...and I want you to let me help."
"There never was an 'us' to get back...and there's not much anybody can do to help anymore."
"That's not true and you know it."
"Which part?"
"Both."
He made a snorting noise, and lowered his gaze to the bed sheets.
"I'll tell you what I do know Elizabeth .... I've only ever asked one person for help my whole life ...you.... and you left."
"I know and I'm sorry Robert, truly I am...but I was scared and confused...Mark's death was so fresh in my mind and I panicked, I'm the first to admit that.... I didn't think I could cope with anymore pain, mine or anybody else's.... and I shouldn't have left, but I did...but I'm here now and I want to help."
He couldn't hear this, not now.
"It's too late." He whispered.
"No, no it's not." She stood and grabbed his right hand in hers then gripped it harder when he attempted to shake her off.
"I don't want your pity, nor do I need to be your redemption." He snapped.
"It's not pity." She pleaded.
"No? Well then what is it Elizabeth?"
She looked down at the floor, "I care about you, can't you see that?"
He wanted to believe it, but was terrified of depending on her. What if she woke up tomorrow and decided she'd made a mistake? What would that do to him? He couldn't let her get close after he'd come so far, so he looked her dead in the eye, his face unreadable.
"No, no I can't. I just see someone who wants to play the noble martyr again."
Her head shot up angry and confused, eyes blazing. "Don't you dare Robert...."
"Don't dare what...you got a kick out of playing the dutiful wife and the grieving widow.... for fucks sake, you wouldn't even have gone back to him if I hadn't told you to.... you're such a hypocrite Elizabeth. You British.... always loving the underdog. Taking pity on the next poor chump who comes along.......... Ahhh poor Robert got his arm sliced off and now it's all banged up and they're probably gonna have to hack it off again! Well I'll not be your next mercy mission Elizabeth. Just fuck off and leave me the hell alone." He shouted.
Elizabeth dropped his hand and stood shaking under the vicious verbal onslaught. She knew in her heart, he was simply trying to push her away, but the words stung and ripped at her. Why did he have to be so cruel? She wanted to turn and flee, to never return and let him rot in hell; but she also knew that's what he wanted her to do and that she couldn't. She had already done that to him once, and the bitter aftertaste of that pill he'd swallowed was the man who lay before her now, tortured, frightened and alone.
She summoned up all her anger and screamed back at him in a rage "NO!"
"No what?" Romano asked, slightly taken aback that she hadn't yet left.
"You're not doing this alone anymore."
"Go." He pleaded, feeling his reserve begin to crumble in the light of her newfound strength.
"NO!" She grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to her, crushing herself into him. Romano fought against her, but she buried her head against his chest and started to cry. He felt her tears falling, burning into him penetrating his shield.
"Elizabeth I can't do this." His voice rasped.
"Why?" she sobbed pitifully.
"Because I can't get lost in you again."
She held him tighter still, her tears increasing with intensity.
Robert's mind was screaming to push her away. He had the strength if he really wanted to. But he knew deep down he didn't want to....he wanted her, always had and always would despite his resolutions. He loved her so much, but he was so scared of her leaving again. He closed his eyes and fought the tears that threatened to fall, tried to swallow the lump that constricted in his throat. Tried to stop the movement of his arms that slowly moved around her, completing the circle of the embrace that joined them together.
They clung desperately to one another, Elizabeth sobbing loudly as Robert's tears fell silently. After a minute he felt her body relax slightly and he inhaled. She smelt so good and felt warm in his arms. He felt safe for the first time since the accident, thought he saw new light at the top of the abyss once again, and tried to speak, but it came out a whisper.
"Lizzie."
She heard the name she'd missed so much and felt her heart skip a beat. It had been so long since he'd spoken that name to her...and let renewed hope flood her soul.
She lifted her head from his now sodden chest, and looked into his eyes. They were red and wet, but she saw the old familiar Robert in there. Lifting her hands up to his face, she smiled tentatively and brought her mouth to his and kissed him tenderly on the lips.
He pulled away dipping his head slightly.
"Lizzie, why?" he gripped her face, "I need to know."
"Because I miss you and I need you. Because it physically hurts me to see you in pain, and it crushes me to think that I added to that pain. Because I'm a coward, who only now can see what has always been in front of me...give us a chance please.... you have to because...because Robert I love you."
She spoke the words he'd given up all hope of ever hearing from her; closing his eyes his mouth sought hers feverishly, before pulling away again.
He cupped her cheek with his right hand and looked deeply into her eyes.
"Promise me you'll never leave."
Remembering a scene that had haunted her for months, she returned the intense gaze, looking him dead in the eye.
"Robert...we'll work through this." She smiled.
He returned the smile, the same memory flashing through his own head.
"Course we will." He replied.
They held each other smiling; each safe at last in their embrace, amazed how one little word can put a different perspective on two lives.
FINIS