Title: Sam and Jack Don't Exist
Content Warnings: Angst
Pairings: S/J
Spoilers: Lost City pt 1 and 2
Season: Eight
Rating: PG-13
Author's notes:
Archive: nope Disclaimer: I do not own Sam, Jack or Stargate. I am merely using them to silence the voices in my head.
Sam and Jack Don't Exist
Sam and Jack didn't exist and she was painfully aware of this. Sam didn't exist around him, there was no Sam and Jack, there never had been. It had taken seven years to just exist as Sam around Teal'c. She didn't think she would ever be able to exist as Sam around him. He wasn't Jack, he was Colonel O'Neill.
Around Pete only Sam existed. Oh he knew Major Carter but now she was just Sam. Sam did the grocery shopping with him, cooked for him, went home and had sex with him. Sam existed with Pete.
Major Cater got up in the morning, had some coffee and showered. Major Carter went to work without kissing Pete goodbye.
The only time the two people merged was with Daniel. With him Sam and Major Carter were one and the same and while she would love to deny that they were the same person, the ability to do so failed her. It was with Daniel the most painful part of what they had in common was realised. It was with Daniel that she could acknowledge the pain inside. The hole that was slowly becoming a cavity.
To Daniel everyone was whole, Jack, Sam, Teal'c and she was jealous. She wished she could go back and see Colonel Jack O'Neill, instead of Jack and Colonel O'Neill. But she was also aware that she had rarely seen Jack.
Daniel referred to him as Jack, and talked about him as Colonel O'Neill. It hurt more to hear it but she was always clambering for more, more Colonel Jack O'Neill and more Major Sam Carter. The more she heard, the more it hurt and the more it hurt, the more she wanted to hear.
She needed it to hurt, it was torture but she wanted it and she needed the pain. It proved to her that she was just one person; it was clarification of her sanity. Clarification that in the last seven years she hadn't developed a personality disorder (they still weren't sure about the long term effects of gate travel). It proved that she was still alive, that she hadn't settled into life as Sam with Pete and Major Carter with Colonel O'Neill. It proved that she didn't deserve this, or Pete, or to be just Major Cater to Colonel O'Neill. It shouldn't hurt so much, but it does, and she knows that no one should hurt this much.
Sam and Major Cater, they hurt, a deep bone dulling pain. The pain would make her realise something had to change, that something in her life wasn't right. It was never quite enough to make her change her situations though, to make Sam and Major Carter become the person she was a few years ago. She'd even take Captain Sam Carter over this but the pain wasn't enough. It was a nudge when she needed a hard shove.
When the shove came, she didn't know where or who had done it, pushed her over the very edge. She just wished it had been sooner. Stood looking at him, encased in ice, his brain unable to take the vast amount of information it now contained Sam and Major Carter collided, hard. She looked at Colonel O'Neill and called him Jack. The shove, the change, the merging of four people into two came too late.
And Sam and Jack still didn't exist together, because she didn't know Jack, and Jack had not acknowledged her in the same way. Sam and Jack were kept apart by ice, cold and cruel and very apt.
She did believe however, that now the pain had lessened, and the dull ache became fear, fear of losing him, that maybe she could work with fear. Use the fear to change.
She did hope Sam and would eventually exist.
Archive: nope Disclaimer: I do not own Sam, Jack or Stargate. I am merely using them to silence the voices in my head.
Sam and Jack Don't Exist
Sam and Jack didn't exist and she was painfully aware of this. Sam didn't exist around him, there was no Sam and Jack, there never had been. It had taken seven years to just exist as Sam around Teal'c. She didn't think she would ever be able to exist as Sam around him. He wasn't Jack, he was Colonel O'Neill.
Around Pete only Sam existed. Oh he knew Major Carter but now she was just Sam. Sam did the grocery shopping with him, cooked for him, went home and had sex with him. Sam existed with Pete.
Major Cater got up in the morning, had some coffee and showered. Major Carter went to work without kissing Pete goodbye.
The only time the two people merged was with Daniel. With him Sam and Major Carter were one and the same and while she would love to deny that they were the same person, the ability to do so failed her. It was with Daniel the most painful part of what they had in common was realised. It was with Daniel that she could acknowledge the pain inside. The hole that was slowly becoming a cavity.
To Daniel everyone was whole, Jack, Sam, Teal'c and she was jealous. She wished she could go back and see Colonel Jack O'Neill, instead of Jack and Colonel O'Neill. But she was also aware that she had rarely seen Jack.
Daniel referred to him as Jack, and talked about him as Colonel O'Neill. It hurt more to hear it but she was always clambering for more, more Colonel Jack O'Neill and more Major Sam Carter. The more she heard, the more it hurt and the more it hurt, the more she wanted to hear.
She needed it to hurt, it was torture but she wanted it and she needed the pain. It proved to her that she was just one person; it was clarification of her sanity. Clarification that in the last seven years she hadn't developed a personality disorder (they still weren't sure about the long term effects of gate travel). It proved that she was still alive, that she hadn't settled into life as Sam with Pete and Major Carter with Colonel O'Neill. It proved that she didn't deserve this, or Pete, or to be just Major Cater to Colonel O'Neill. It shouldn't hurt so much, but it does, and she knows that no one should hurt this much.
Sam and Major Cater, they hurt, a deep bone dulling pain. The pain would make her realise something had to change, that something in her life wasn't right. It was never quite enough to make her change her situations though, to make Sam and Major Carter become the person she was a few years ago. She'd even take Captain Sam Carter over this but the pain wasn't enough. It was a nudge when she needed a hard shove.
When the shove came, she didn't know where or who had done it, pushed her over the very edge. She just wished it had been sooner. Stood looking at him, encased in ice, his brain unable to take the vast amount of information it now contained Sam and Major Carter collided, hard. She looked at Colonel O'Neill and called him Jack. The shove, the change, the merging of four people into two came too late.
And Sam and Jack still didn't exist together, because she didn't know Jack, and Jack had not acknowledged her in the same way. Sam and Jack were kept apart by ice, cold and cruel and very apt.
She did believe however, that now the pain had lessened, and the dull ache became fear, fear of losing him, that maybe she could work with fear. Use the fear to change.
She did hope Sam and would eventually exist.