A/N: This is an L/J alternate universe, told through the eyes of Sirius Black. Not compatible with OOTP.

Prologue

You don't understand – there are things worth dying for!

- Sirius Black, OOTP

For the first eleven years of my life, I never really felt as though I belonged. I had two brothers, a sister, and more cousins than I could count, but although it was never really acknowledged, I was always the odd one out. I learned quickly the twisted way in which my family functioned – it was survival of the fittest. That is, if you were not brutal and cunning, your sense of self-worth would quickly disappear. The first time I ever doubted what my parents had taught me, however, was the day I arrived at Hogwarts for the very first time.

There were thunderclouds looming over the castle and the air was alive with magic, I could sense it. The atmosphere had a weight and smell about it that I secretly loved – summer rain was not far off.

I had spent the train ride with people I already knew through my family. I didn't particularly enjoy their company but I befriended them anyway, for the simple reason that I was a proud member of the Black family, and it was expected that I hold these particular people close and other particular people far. The law had been laid down long ago, and I fully intended to obey it.

I didn't consciously recognize it, but this was a reflection of my greatest inner fear. The fear that no matter how hard I tried or how many things I accomplished, I wouldn't be good enough to satisfy those that mattered to me. That I would never really fit in. I had a strong desire to prove myself as a person worthy of value and respect. I never admitted it, not even to myself, but deep down I was incredibly insecure, no matter how self assured I appeared. I spent most of my time throwing myself into the activities my family wanted me to pursue and doing things I thought would make them proud. I built up a secure network of acquaintances and achievements.

Then, after I was sorted into Gryffindor, my secure world shattered. I, Sirius Black, had been sorted into the house my family shunned, the house of pride and nobility and courage, the exact opposite of Slytherin, the house I had dreamed of being in. Of course, I was immediately shunned by my so-called "friends" who all became Slytherins, as I believed I should have been. The moment the Sorting Hat yelled "Gryffindor" I felt so crushed and ashamed, and partly disbelieving. No member of the Black family had even been in Gryffindor. A few in Ravenclaw and even some in Hufflepuff, but never Gryffindor, the house that my older brother and sister openly ridiculed when they came home at the end of each term.

I knew the score, and it was hard for me to accept; my Slytherin peers would no longer talk to me, my family would hate me and Gryffindor students would not see me as one of them. What was supposed to be the best and most special time of my life seemed like seven more long years of not fitting in anywhere. I would never succeed. Not when I was in the wrong house.

I walked along to the Gryffindor Tower that first night. The prefects were just ahead of me, but the rest of the first years lagged behind. They had all formed their friendship groups on the train. However, one girl had the courage to approach me. She was a head shorter than me, with thick, curly red hair. She had to be a muggle-born; nobody who knew my family would have dared approach me. Thankfully, I was so shocked by the evening's events her heritage did not occur to me. If it had, I would have loudly insulted her and scared her away.

She was different from the others, with plain yet unusual looks and an even more unusual character. She went against everything my family stood for. She was open, friendly, cheerful, pure, young, and wore her heart on her sleeve. She introduced herself as Lily Evans, and she was the turning point of my life.

I got a letter the next morning from my parents but I was too scared to open it. No doubt my sister and brother had owled home the night before and notified them of the shocking scandal. At the first opportunity I stuffed the parchment at the bottom of my trunk and tried to forget about it. The only thing that consoled me slightly was the fact that even though my family and probably disowned me overnight, Lily Evans still talked to me the next morning and sat next to me at breakfast.

Flying lessons look up the better part of the first day. I thought them to be a waste of time; I'd had private lessons since the age of six and planned to try out for the Quidditch team the next year. It was during that lesson, however that it became evident to me that Lily was the only one in Gryffindor who had not been on a broom before, and therefore was a muggle-born. This surprised me, mainly because at the time there weren't very many muggle-borns, and those who were generally stuck together in Hufflepuff.

Despite what my family had told me about those who were not of pure blood, I never said anything because the only friendship I had was too important to jeopardize. In fact, I was grateful that she knew nothing about me and therefore was not prejudiced against me. We quickly became best friends.

Over the next month we were inseparable. We ate together, did our homework together and snuck out to fly together (Even though Lily was new to flying, she quickly developed a liking to it).

I adored her, in an eleven-year-old way, I really did. She was everything I wasn't, and different from everyone else. She was confident and talked a lot, and even though the rest of the year regarded her as a little weird for hanging around me, I appreciated her company more than she would ever know.

I never meant to hurt her.

A little into the October of that year, things changed. Under the unknowing influence of Lily, I had come out of my jaded and cynical shell and become a more pleasant person to be around. It became clear to me that I needed some male friends; I was lonely in the dormitory at night. I became more and more intent on observing the things my dorm-mates said and did, and before I knew it I was obsessed with fitting in and making friends with them.

I was pleasantly surprised when I butted in on one their conversations one night. They weren't the stupid people I had thought them to be at the beginning of the year. They were noble and proud, yes, but lighthearted and fun at the same time. It was then I accepted I was meant to be a Gryffindor, and it was then that I was finally accepted into their fold.

As I became more open and happy and different from the rest of my family, they in turn ignored my background and treated me as my own person, an individual. So when James Potter formed a secret "club" and invited me and two other boys to join, I inevitably accepted.

I spent all my time hanging around them and abruptly forgot all about Lily. It was cruel, and now I feel unbearably ashamed and guilty, but I no longer needed her. I finally fitted in to the then nameless club consisting of James, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew and myself. I never saw her complain once, though. It must have become pretty clear to her that she no longer had the privilege of counting me as her friend, but she just went happily on her way, smiling at everyone. I never once stopped to think that without me she had no-one. She was fairly well-liked by most of the student population, but I don't think she had any close friends. But again, I no longer needed her or my family, because I was no longer one the outside looking in. And that felt great.

Over the next few years I totally changed, so much that I could no longer recognize my younger self. I grew closer and closer to all the guys, particularly James. I stayed at his house every holiday except for the summer. I looked down on the Slytherins with contempt, in the exact same way they did to me. I had everything I wanted, but none of it would have existed without Lily and her influence. But I didn't stop to think about that. I was invincible – I needed no-one but my friends, now named The Marauders. Suddenly, my family's hatred toward me didn't matter so much. I had everything I ever wanted.

Then one day, unexpectedly, Lily Evans re-entered my life.