A/N: This was a really really really weird idea I had when watching The Chamber of Secrets... you know, whenever Ron and Hermione and Harry have a laugh at poor Sevvie's expense. Well, what would happen if Harry told Severus what they were laughing about?
Sharing is Caring
The Golden Trio trooped into the Potions Classroom in the Dungeons, still giggling at Seamus and Dean's impersonation of Draco leading Pansy around like the little pug faced bitch she was. It was really too much, with Dean holding Seamus with a collar and leash.
"Remember, we have to keep an eye out for Trevor," Hermione hissed. "Neville's lost him again."
"Fifth time this week," Harry grumbled.
"Oh, come on, Harry. Be a sport and help look," Hermione snapped.
"Fine."
They took their seats and pulled out their Potions texts, ready, for once, for class to start. Not a moment too soon, for Snape billowed into the classroom, snapping out his customary greeting. "Books out, wands away. The ingredients are on the board. You are making a strengthening potion. Get them and get moving!" The Potions Master sank into his chair behind his desk and rested his head in his hands, closing his eyes for a few seconds.
Harry rolled his eyes. "Geez, Snape seems ... off today. I wonder what's his problem?" he hissed to Ron.
Ron snickered. "I don't want to know."
They continued whispering, gathering the ingredients. They turned back around, wondering why the class had gone deathly silent. Harry gulped. Professor Snape stood right in front of them, a malicious glare on his face.
"What, may I ask, is so interesting that you must continue to make noise?" he hissed, a wince of pain flashing so quickly over his features that Harry was sure he had imagined it.
"No- nothing, Sir," Ron stammered out. Harry kept his face completely blank, determined not to blurt out anything stupid and get them into even more trouble.
"I see. Twenty point from Gryffindor for talking out of turn. Get to your seats," Snape spat, sneering. Ron and Harry rushed to their seats, dumped the ingredients on the desk and quickly began, not wishing to lose any more points.
"That bloody git!" Ron hissed. "I swear there is something wrong with that man!"
Harry only nodded in agreement.
For thirty minutes, they worked in near silence, the only words whispered back and forth along the lines of 'pass the powdered newt's eyes' or 'dice the root evenly'.
Snape stalked up and down the isles, insulting Gryffindors and even the occasional Slytherin, which was unheard of. After telling Hermione that she should just toss her Potion down the drain and give up, thereby reducing her to sitting at her desk in tears, Ron poked Harry in the side.
"What is with him today? Honestly, the old bat needs to get laid or something," Ron whispered, his face screwed up in a grimace of anyone doing THAT to the greasy Potions Master.
Harry snickered softly and jumped as a shadow fell over his desk. "Uh- oh," he murmured.
"Uh-oh is right, Mr. Potter," Severus snarled. "May I ask what you find so amusing about this assignment?"
Harry opened his mouth, desperately thinking of an excuse, when his mouth started working without his permission. "Actually, Professor yes, there was something."
Snape raised both eyebrows, waiting for him to continue. Ron stared at Harry. "What the bloody hell are you doing?" Ron squeaked.
Harry stared at Ron and his mouth started moving again against his will. "I'm sorry Ron, but this is too good not to share. Professor, Ron wants to know when the last time you got laid was. I hope he isn't offering... Ron, you're disgusting. He's our teacher! But, that might not be as disgusting as asking McGonagall or Dumbledore." Harry managed to clamp a hand over his traitorous mouth and desperately looked around.
Ron dove under his desk, certain all hell was about to break loose. He ducked his head in between his knees, not knowing whether to kill Harry or run like the wind for the exit.
Hermione was mouthing the words Snape, McGonagall and Dumbledore, ticking them off one by one. She brought her fingers together and realized what she had just insinuated... Snape, McGonagall, AND Dumbledore. "AAARGGH!" she screamed, banging her head on the desk repeatedly.
Harry watch as Draco held up his first two fingers and thumb, bringing them together in an approximation of Hermione's previous actions, a completely confused look on his face. Hermione stopped pounding her head against her desk long enough to look up and see Draco clamping his three fingers together. She started screaming again and slamming her forehead into the wooden desk.
Professor Snape just stared at Harry, his mouth agape and a dazed look in his eyes. Seamus and Dean were gagging in the back of the room along with Blaise and Millicent. Pansy, upon seeing Draco playing with his fingers, imitated him. She began singing softly to herself the song "Little Bunny Foo Foo," making her 'rabbit' fingers hop around her desk. Harry listened to her sing a disturbing version of the song. "Little Bunny Foo Foo, hopping like a madman, trampling all the Gryffindorks and bashing out their brains..."
Harry shook his head and stared at Snape. The Greasy Potions Master was still flabbergasted, his mouth open and his eyes wide. He was staring at the seat Ron had previously occupied with faint revulsion. "Umm, Professor?" Harry asked tentatively.
Snape finally was able to focus and he stared at Harry, an incredibly revolted and nauseous look on his face. "Mr. Potter, that quite possibly the most disgusting, horrific thing I have ever heard. Not even the Dark Lord could come up with something so disturbing..." Snape trailed off, looking as if he were about to lose the contents of his stomach. "I need a drink." He stalked over to the front of the room and pulled out an unidentified bottle with a clear liquid, unscrewing the cap. Forgoing a glass, he tipped back the bottle and took a long swig, draining at least a quarter of the bottle. He wiped his mouth and immediately tossed a handful of Floo Powder into the tiny fireplace behind his desk.
Albus Dumbledore's head appeared in the flames. "Can I offer you a Lemon Drop, Severus? How about a cup of tea?" he asked cheerfully.
Snape let out an inarticulate scream of rage and slammed the bottle onto his desk hard enough for the bottom to crack.
"Severus, what is the- are you DRINKING???"
"Go ahead and fire me, Albus," Severus snapped. "Go right ahead because if you don't I'll resign!!!"
"What happened now?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes wide. He took in the screaming Hermione, the traumatized students, Draco's disturbing hand motions and Pansy singing quietly to herself with confusion. "What is going on?"
"Your Golden Boy did it! He's finally driven me to the bottle! Voldemort couldn't do it! You couldn't do it! But, NOOO, Harry Bloody Asshole Potter has finally caused me to crack! Procreating with a Weaseley, a male student Weaseley, no less! The Bloody Fucking Nerve!!!!" Dumbledore stared at the ranting, slightly tipsy Potions Master.
"Severus, return the bottle of Vodka to your desk and come to my office. I'll send someone in to cover your class," Dumbledore ordered.
Snape stalked out of the Classroom, sparing one last revolted, shuddering look at the Gryffindor Trio.
Ron crawled out from under the desk. "Bloody Hell, Harry," he gasped. "You made him go completely mental!"
Harry groaned and began smashing his head on the desk.
Hermione ticked off her fingers, adding Ron. Despairingly, she brought them together and started crying again, completely traumatized by her overactive imagination. Draco stopped playing with his hands long enough to sneer at her. "What the hell, Mudblood. What's wrong now?"
She stared at his hand and ticked off her fingers one by one. "Snape. Dumbledore McGonagall. Ron." Uncomprehendingly, he mimicked her and then, at her encouraging gesture, brought the fingers together. Understanding dawned.
"BLOODY HELL, WOMAN!!!!" Draco screamed, his face turning a sickly shade of green. He turned around and threw up in his cauldron, ruining the potion and causing it to bubble over. "THAT'S SICK!!!!!" He bolted from the room and they could hear his footsteps echoing faintly down the hall. A second later, his cauldron exploded in a flash of light and thick green smoke that smelled like rotting cabbages.
Ron grinned at Hermione. "That was brilliant! What did you do to get him to lose it?"
Hermione burst into noisy sobs, joining Harry in the pursuit of giving herself a concussion. Everyone else deemed it appropriate to leave and quickly ran from the classroom. Only Ron, Harry, Hermione and Pansy remained, the latter still singing quietly to herself and hopping her finger bunny around her desk.
"Come on, tell me!" Ron pleaded.
Hermione only sobbed harder.
"Sharing is caring!"
She raised her head and stared at him, her mouth open in shock.
"Well, if you aren't going to tell me, then let's go!" Ron grumbled, crossing his arms. Dazedly, Hermione and Harry stood up and the Trio walked out of the Potions Classroom and back to their tower for the rest of the period. As they walked out, they never noticed the frog hop in behind them and head straight to Hermione's abandoned cauldron of finished Strengthening Potion.
Five minutes later, one of the Slytherin Seventh Years stumbled into the classroom to find it empty except for an unconscious Pansy and a six foot tall, muscular frog named Trevor. He turned and ran, screaming, from the classroom as Trevor gave chase. He disappeared into the dungeons, the giant Trevor hot on his tail.
.
A/N: I have NO idea where this came from..... (pulls out brain and looks at it) Anyway, just thought a bit of humor would help! This is definitely over... I don't EVER want to go near this again.... Let's see if Annie would touch this one. Maybe she'll want to leave a Beta note or something....
B/N: Like she said, I have absolutely No Idea where that thing came from, and I don't want to find out. All I can say is that I am deeply disappointed that she did not seek professional help when this began, and that I am very angry with her. I used to like the Mr. Foo Foo song!!! Now it's ruined for me! That's just like when she told me that Barney ate the kids on his show! (She said that's why they need new kids all the time.) Anyway, I hope Remus is hungry, yum!
Sharing is Caring
The Golden Trio trooped into the Potions Classroom in the Dungeons, still giggling at Seamus and Dean's impersonation of Draco leading Pansy around like the little pug faced bitch she was. It was really too much, with Dean holding Seamus with a collar and leash.
"Remember, we have to keep an eye out for Trevor," Hermione hissed. "Neville's lost him again."
"Fifth time this week," Harry grumbled.
"Oh, come on, Harry. Be a sport and help look," Hermione snapped.
"Fine."
They took their seats and pulled out their Potions texts, ready, for once, for class to start. Not a moment too soon, for Snape billowed into the classroom, snapping out his customary greeting. "Books out, wands away. The ingredients are on the board. You are making a strengthening potion. Get them and get moving!" The Potions Master sank into his chair behind his desk and rested his head in his hands, closing his eyes for a few seconds.
Harry rolled his eyes. "Geez, Snape seems ... off today. I wonder what's his problem?" he hissed to Ron.
Ron snickered. "I don't want to know."
They continued whispering, gathering the ingredients. They turned back around, wondering why the class had gone deathly silent. Harry gulped. Professor Snape stood right in front of them, a malicious glare on his face.
"What, may I ask, is so interesting that you must continue to make noise?" he hissed, a wince of pain flashing so quickly over his features that Harry was sure he had imagined it.
"No- nothing, Sir," Ron stammered out. Harry kept his face completely blank, determined not to blurt out anything stupid and get them into even more trouble.
"I see. Twenty point from Gryffindor for talking out of turn. Get to your seats," Snape spat, sneering. Ron and Harry rushed to their seats, dumped the ingredients on the desk and quickly began, not wishing to lose any more points.
"That bloody git!" Ron hissed. "I swear there is something wrong with that man!"
Harry only nodded in agreement.
For thirty minutes, they worked in near silence, the only words whispered back and forth along the lines of 'pass the powdered newt's eyes' or 'dice the root evenly'.
Snape stalked up and down the isles, insulting Gryffindors and even the occasional Slytherin, which was unheard of. After telling Hermione that she should just toss her Potion down the drain and give up, thereby reducing her to sitting at her desk in tears, Ron poked Harry in the side.
"What is with him today? Honestly, the old bat needs to get laid or something," Ron whispered, his face screwed up in a grimace of anyone doing THAT to the greasy Potions Master.
Harry snickered softly and jumped as a shadow fell over his desk. "Uh- oh," he murmured.
"Uh-oh is right, Mr. Potter," Severus snarled. "May I ask what you find so amusing about this assignment?"
Harry opened his mouth, desperately thinking of an excuse, when his mouth started working without his permission. "Actually, Professor yes, there was something."
Snape raised both eyebrows, waiting for him to continue. Ron stared at Harry. "What the bloody hell are you doing?" Ron squeaked.
Harry stared at Ron and his mouth started moving again against his will. "I'm sorry Ron, but this is too good not to share. Professor, Ron wants to know when the last time you got laid was. I hope he isn't offering... Ron, you're disgusting. He's our teacher! But, that might not be as disgusting as asking McGonagall or Dumbledore." Harry managed to clamp a hand over his traitorous mouth and desperately looked around.
Ron dove under his desk, certain all hell was about to break loose. He ducked his head in between his knees, not knowing whether to kill Harry or run like the wind for the exit.
Hermione was mouthing the words Snape, McGonagall and Dumbledore, ticking them off one by one. She brought her fingers together and realized what she had just insinuated... Snape, McGonagall, AND Dumbledore. "AAARGGH!" she screamed, banging her head on the desk repeatedly.
Harry watch as Draco held up his first two fingers and thumb, bringing them together in an approximation of Hermione's previous actions, a completely confused look on his face. Hermione stopped pounding her head against her desk long enough to look up and see Draco clamping his three fingers together. She started screaming again and slamming her forehead into the wooden desk.
Professor Snape just stared at Harry, his mouth agape and a dazed look in his eyes. Seamus and Dean were gagging in the back of the room along with Blaise and Millicent. Pansy, upon seeing Draco playing with his fingers, imitated him. She began singing softly to herself the song "Little Bunny Foo Foo," making her 'rabbit' fingers hop around her desk. Harry listened to her sing a disturbing version of the song. "Little Bunny Foo Foo, hopping like a madman, trampling all the Gryffindorks and bashing out their brains..."
Harry shook his head and stared at Snape. The Greasy Potions Master was still flabbergasted, his mouth open and his eyes wide. He was staring at the seat Ron had previously occupied with faint revulsion. "Umm, Professor?" Harry asked tentatively.
Snape finally was able to focus and he stared at Harry, an incredibly revolted and nauseous look on his face. "Mr. Potter, that quite possibly the most disgusting, horrific thing I have ever heard. Not even the Dark Lord could come up with something so disturbing..." Snape trailed off, looking as if he were about to lose the contents of his stomach. "I need a drink." He stalked over to the front of the room and pulled out an unidentified bottle with a clear liquid, unscrewing the cap. Forgoing a glass, he tipped back the bottle and took a long swig, draining at least a quarter of the bottle. He wiped his mouth and immediately tossed a handful of Floo Powder into the tiny fireplace behind his desk.
Albus Dumbledore's head appeared in the flames. "Can I offer you a Lemon Drop, Severus? How about a cup of tea?" he asked cheerfully.
Snape let out an inarticulate scream of rage and slammed the bottle onto his desk hard enough for the bottom to crack.
"Severus, what is the- are you DRINKING???"
"Go ahead and fire me, Albus," Severus snapped. "Go right ahead because if you don't I'll resign!!!"
"What happened now?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes wide. He took in the screaming Hermione, the traumatized students, Draco's disturbing hand motions and Pansy singing quietly to herself with confusion. "What is going on?"
"Your Golden Boy did it! He's finally driven me to the bottle! Voldemort couldn't do it! You couldn't do it! But, NOOO, Harry Bloody Asshole Potter has finally caused me to crack! Procreating with a Weaseley, a male student Weaseley, no less! The Bloody Fucking Nerve!!!!" Dumbledore stared at the ranting, slightly tipsy Potions Master.
"Severus, return the bottle of Vodka to your desk and come to my office. I'll send someone in to cover your class," Dumbledore ordered.
Snape stalked out of the Classroom, sparing one last revolted, shuddering look at the Gryffindor Trio.
Ron crawled out from under the desk. "Bloody Hell, Harry," he gasped. "You made him go completely mental!"
Harry groaned and began smashing his head on the desk.
Hermione ticked off her fingers, adding Ron. Despairingly, she brought them together and started crying again, completely traumatized by her overactive imagination. Draco stopped playing with his hands long enough to sneer at her. "What the hell, Mudblood. What's wrong now?"
She stared at his hand and ticked off her fingers one by one. "Snape. Dumbledore McGonagall. Ron." Uncomprehendingly, he mimicked her and then, at her encouraging gesture, brought the fingers together. Understanding dawned.
"BLOODY HELL, WOMAN!!!!" Draco screamed, his face turning a sickly shade of green. He turned around and threw up in his cauldron, ruining the potion and causing it to bubble over. "THAT'S SICK!!!!!" He bolted from the room and they could hear his footsteps echoing faintly down the hall. A second later, his cauldron exploded in a flash of light and thick green smoke that smelled like rotting cabbages.
Ron grinned at Hermione. "That was brilliant! What did you do to get him to lose it?"
Hermione burst into noisy sobs, joining Harry in the pursuit of giving herself a concussion. Everyone else deemed it appropriate to leave and quickly ran from the classroom. Only Ron, Harry, Hermione and Pansy remained, the latter still singing quietly to herself and hopping her finger bunny around her desk.
"Come on, tell me!" Ron pleaded.
Hermione only sobbed harder.
"Sharing is caring!"
She raised her head and stared at him, her mouth open in shock.
"Well, if you aren't going to tell me, then let's go!" Ron grumbled, crossing his arms. Dazedly, Hermione and Harry stood up and the Trio walked out of the Potions Classroom and back to their tower for the rest of the period. As they walked out, they never noticed the frog hop in behind them and head straight to Hermione's abandoned cauldron of finished Strengthening Potion.
Five minutes later, one of the Slytherin Seventh Years stumbled into the classroom to find it empty except for an unconscious Pansy and a six foot tall, muscular frog named Trevor. He turned and ran, screaming, from the classroom as Trevor gave chase. He disappeared into the dungeons, the giant Trevor hot on his tail.
.
A/N: I have NO idea where this came from..... (pulls out brain and looks at it) Anyway, just thought a bit of humor would help! This is definitely over... I don't EVER want to go near this again.... Let's see if Annie would touch this one. Maybe she'll want to leave a Beta note or something....
B/N: Like she said, I have absolutely No Idea where that thing came from, and I don't want to find out. All I can say is that I am deeply disappointed that she did not seek professional help when this began, and that I am very angry with her. I used to like the Mr. Foo Foo song!!! Now it's ruined for me! That's just like when she told me that Barney ate the kids on his show! (She said that's why they need new kids all the time.) Anyway, I hope Remus is hungry, yum!