!!Clash of the Titans!!
In this story, I will be mocking Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers a lot,
so no flames about them being 'out of character.' And since I can't use fancy symbols, and Jason and Michael need a way to communicate yet they don't speak, I have devised a code for communication and it goes like this:
[Stuff that Jason is signing using sign language]
((Stuff that Michael writes on signs and papers))
Any character's thoughts
Now onto the story
DISCLAIMER: I don't own NOES, Friday 13th, Halloween, or 2Fast 2 Furious. The only thing I own is my crappy self-insertion!
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Chapter 1: The Fast and the Psychotic
Freddy was sitting in hell being bored. He had already given almost everyone down there some really mixed up nightmares, and was bored. So he decided to open his mail (A/N: I have no clue if they really get mail down in Hell, and I don't wanna find out, but since this is a comedic story, they do!)
First letter:
FREAKIN
RETARTED
EUNUCH You suck Freddy!
DUNCE
DICKHEAD
YAK
"That is so not true!" he screeched, "I am not a dunce!" He opened up the second letter:
'1, 2 Freddy's full of poo! 3, 4 he's a real bore! 5, 6 he's as dumb as a stick! 7, 8 he aint that great! 9, 10 umm…………go shoot a hen?!' So he shot a hen and opened up another letter and it said:
'What kind of wuss kills people in their dreams? You aint a man, you are a chicken! Jason is tougher than you. Hell, even Michael Myers is tougher than you. But them again, that's not saying much cuz you're stupid. I'm a girl and I could probably kick your little ass!'
"That's it!" He bellowed, "What in flipping hell do I have to do prove that I'm better than those other two idiots?!?!?" He yelled as he tossed the letters into the nearest fire. "I'm sick of these goddamn insults!"
Then he disappeared in a flash of white light and found himself in a lime green room. Standing on opposite sides of the room were Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers.
"What the hell are you two doing here?" No reply. "Oh that's right, you nitwits don't talk."
"SILENCE!" a booming robotic voice said, "I am sick of the bickering about which one of you is the toughest. This will be settled in some of the most civilized of manners." Jason put down his machete and started spelling out something in sign language. "Good idea, but not right now." The robotic voice said.
"Suck up." Freddy muttered.
[Screw you] Jason signed.
((Oh would you two just quit!)) Michael's sign said.
"We'll settle the first round on the streets." And the three were automatically transported to a street in Miami. There was a crapload of people there with a lot of kick-ass cars. Freddy, Jason, and Michael all found themselves next to a sweet car. Freddy's was bright orange, Jason's was golden yellow with brown, and Michael's was silver and blue. All these cars were designed specifically for street racing. (A/N: yes I am attempting to spoof 2Fast 2 Furious)
"Okay, so what do we do now?" Freddy asked out loud. This question was geared toward the guy with the very poofy hair standing with his back to them. The guy turned around, and when Freddy saw who it was, well let me just say it really scared the crap out of him.
"Glen? Glen Lantz?!?" Yes the man was Glen Lantz, the cute jock that Freddy had killed by yanking him through the bed causing a giant fountain of blood to erupt from the bed and, well you get the picture.
"Yes it's me you dolt." Glen said. "The first round of settling who is better will be settled through a four-way street race."
[But there are only three of us] Jason signed.
((No shit Sherlock!)) Michael wrote.
"Well you either need to find a fourth, or you won't race. Savvy?"
"Why don't you race with us?" Freddy asked.
"Hell no! Being killed by you was enough for me thanks. Why don't I find you a fourth? Anyone I want."
[Okay]
((Sure))
"Why not." So Glen took out his cell phone and made a call to someone. Five minutes later, the fourth pulled up. The car was a hot pink convertible, and a girl stepped out of it.
"Okay, we are not racing a girl!" Freddy screamed.
[We'd end up killing her] Jason signed.
((Not like it's a bad thing or anything)) Michael wrote.
"What, are you all too chicken to go up against a teenage girl?" She asked with a haughty sneer on her face.
"Boys, meet Allana." Glen said, "And if you don't want to race against her, then this contest will end now, savvy?"
"Fine."
[whatever]
((sure))
so the four racers got into their cars and lined up at the start line.
"Ready………………………………GO!" and they took off. Jason took the early lead closely followed by Michael then Freddy, then Allana who was furiously trying to pass Freddy. Only problem was that no one was letting anyone pass.
"No girl is gonna pass me!" Freddy said. Then Allana rammed into his bumper.
"Damn girl!"
"Take that bitch!"
Meanwhile Jason and Michael were trying to pass each other and failing.
you aint gonna pass me! Jason thought.
2 minutes 58 seconds later……………………………………in the final stretch!
Well, Jason was still in the lead, Michael still in second, and Allana had a slim lead on Freddy.
Girl's holding her own. Good for her. Michael thought, looking in his rearview mirror.
Hee, hee! Freddy's losing! thought Jason.
I cannot believe I am losing to a girl! thought Freddy.
You've gone too far this time. But I'm dancing on the valentine, I tell you somebody's fooling around, with my chances on the dangerline. I'll cross that bridge when I find it, another day to make my stand, oh.. High time is no time for deciding. If I should find a helping hand, oh... thought Allana.
Over at the finish line, Glen could distantly see headlights.
"All right Nancy, do it." He said into a walkie-talkie.
"Got it." And the bridge went up just a little bit. Not a whole lot, but just enough to present a challenge.
"Let's see what they make of that." Glen said.
Jason sped up and hit the little button on his steering wheel that makes the blue flame come out, and sped up towards the bridge. Michael on the other hand had 2 of those little buttons on his car so he pushed them both. They both hit the bridge at the same time, but since Michael had 2 buttons, his car literally sailed over Jason's car and landed perfectly. Jason on the other hand landed and skidded right into a billboard. Freddy and Allana started to approach the bridge.
"Oh hell no!" Freddy said as he stopped, then Allana went ahead and went over the bridge-jump.
"Whoo-hoo!" she screamed and she gracefully landed.
Michael pulled up at the finish line 1st, and got out.
((Take that))
30 seconds later, Allana pulled up next to Michael.
"That was fun." She said.
"Well folks, it looks like Michael Myers is the winner of the street race." Glen said, "With Allana in 2nd," then Jason, pushing his car down, crossed the line.
[Ouch]
"Jason in third and Freddy in last place!" he concluded by helping Allana out of her car and kissing her
END ROUND 1
OFFICIAL SCOREBOARD
Michael Myers: 1
Jason Voorhees: 2
Freddy Krueger: 3
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A/N: Hope y'all like. I really need suggestions for events for future chapters PLEASE! Cuz after this, I have no clue.
Read and Review please. No flames
ANd the song that I was thinking during the race was "The Reflex" by Duran Duran