Mushiyori Resident #31

-or-

Why the Seven Doesn't Include Women

{Random Moment of Insanity}

Sensui: Why do I need a woman for beauty and pleasure when I have a pretty boy unable to say 'no' and Itsuki?

{/RMoI}

A Yû Yû Hakusho fanfiction by SirPsychoSexy, which was later attacked by Neko

A/N: Could NOT get this idea out of my head, especially after reading some YYH-Sue fanfictions for the sole purpose of Schadenfreude. P And also some conversations I have had with some of my fandom buddies concerning Sensui…ahem…you'll see what I mean later. (I'm not bashing the guy, I love him to death, but sometimes you have to make fun of things you like. Because you can, and because they're far from OMG TEH PERFECT.)

For the record, I always write Japanese names in their original order, surname first, given name last. So Kurama's human name would be "Minamino Shûichi" in my fics. :D

Don't own YYH, yadda yadda. If I did, I would have had Sensui and Itsuki at LEAST getting to first base on screen, AND I would have taught Keiko and Shizuru how to fight [OK, at LEAST Shizuru], and Genkai would have had a spirit-beast! (A fluffy pink kitten! Thanks for the idea, Yukikaima! D)

More author's notes at the end of the fic concerning some of the jokes.

WARNINGS: Satire [LEAVE NOW IF YOU CAN'T STAND IT], religious (both Eastern [mostly Eastern, since this is Japan we speak of] and Western) references and the total chewing-out/satire thereof, Mary-Sue-parody, man-love (even if it IS used for joking purposes), bawdy (R-rated) humor, and some other stuff. BEWARE the mind of SPS-kun. It is more evil and perverted than you can imagine. D

-------

Prologue:

Mitarai Kiyoshi stared down at the list Sensui Shinobu had given him with large, questioning eyes. "Erm…. Mascara? French maid suit? Where am I supposed to find this stuff? And what do you want with it anyhow?"

"I don't care HOW, just do. And further more, it's not for me, it's for you, so make sure to get the suit in your size, understood?"

Teeth were ground together as a negative bite Mitarai's tongue, but instead he promptly said, "Hai, Sensui-san," and left to steal the items on the list—as there was no other way for him to acquire them without an entire store of patrons laughing their heads off.

So it begins….

----

She was the thirty-first resident of Mushiyori City to develop powers due to the opening of the gate to Makai; of course she was oblivious to the other thirty residents because her power could overshadow them all, so she could get away with becoming the thirty-first, even if this would disrupt previous set limitations on how many people can become "special" in any given anime, (might I also add most of the previous people were actually male? Rather obvious you've walked into someone's daydream, isn't it?)

Her name is unimportant, because it is so long you will forget it, and so "beautiful" reading the letters will blind you—maybe she's related to Suzuki?—as such, we can skip that altogether and get straight to her beautiful appearance. She had spiraled golden locks of hair, curling around her cute, heart-shaped face of perfect, unblemished skin. Her eyes were said to be the very essence of Iris, the rainbow goddess—it was the only way she could think of to describe the unnatural way they changed colour and always fit her mood.

The sultry curves of her body were modest and proportional, but only because she was forcing her way into Yû Yû Hakusho, thankfully, her bosom will not be allowed to extend natural boundaries. And her appearance was nothing compared to her—

"Stop blabbering about my appearance! I have a real crisis here, and it's FAR more important!!!"

Oh?

"Someone stole my mascara!!! And I know who it was! That good for nothing 'friend!' How dare she! Just wait until I get my hands on her! I can't believe people can be so deceptive!!! And that was my FAVOURITE ONE TOO! Not only that, but my Amuro Namie tickets were in that makeup bag!!! It's not fair!"

Due to an uncreative plot hole tiny little hole in the fabric of space that she could not see

{Random Moment of Insanity}

Genkai Muse: Yes…so tiny it was the size of her brain. ;

Yûsuke Muse: Actually, 'Baa-san, wouldn't you think she had NO brain?

Gnekai Muse: No…. She'd have to have some brains to FUNCTION, right? It just means they're really small.

Yûsuke Muse: Heh…good point. You ever gonna share that sake with me?

Genkai Muse: .

Yûsuke Muse(whispering): Fine, I'll just wait until you're drunk, selfish hag. Old ladies are so damn stingy.

Genkai Muse: Yes, and teenage punks are utter nuisances, and if this one likes being able to breathe he'll shut up.

{/RmoI}

And he was HOT. No, he was more than hot; he was "LIEK OMG A BISHIE!!!1!"

She immediately turned around, started squeeing and glomped him. He did not budge an inch, and looked down at her with cold, hatred-filled eyes, as if to say, "You have chosen a very appropriate moment for me to kill you." He grabbed an eraser out of his pocket and sent it flying via his yôki at the girl. It missed her, due to her powers which should be against some sort of anime law since they were not described in full detail at the beginning of the fic with her appearance. Had it been established there we would know what she's capable of, but thanks to a certain someone more concerned about finding her mascara, and no, I have no damned idea what Mitarai would be doing with mascara, the powers were not described and have free reign. ILLEGAL MOVE = rather irate Sniper.

But all the girl did was lift her puppy-dog-like chocolate orbs…or were they sapphire? or emerald?…, grabbed Hagiri's arm, and cried, as if to say, "Please fall in love with me, Mr. Bishônen-I-Don't-Know –The-Name-or-Personality-Of! Pwetty pweese, with whipped cream and sugar on top! I'll make you so saccharinely happy, I'll make the world sooo much better, even if it does mean just putting a band-aid over this big hernia-type boo-boo and kissing it to make it better!"

Hagiri yanked his arm away from the girl. Obviously she was showing every inch of her emotional, childbearing inferiority. He scowled at her and entered the cave, where the others were waiting.

But little did he know that, much like the sugar in a Twinkie that can sit on a shelf for twenty years and has little to no nutritional value, she was right behind him, ready to seep into their teeth and rot them.

---

Upon Hagiri's arrival, Sensui walked slowly towards the young man, his right hand being brought up to his face in a pensive gesture, as if to study his bitch-erm...minion...and his progress with his abilities due to the expansion of the gateway.

"Sensui-san, I wish to speak to you." He bowed deeply, and was getting ready to lower himself onto one knee to show extra humility towards his leader.

"You do not need to bow, Sniper." Sensui stared him square in the eyes. "However, if you were to get on your knees before me once in a while..."-he modulated his voice in that charismatic, sexual, almost belittling way that was a hallmark of this particular persona- "I would not mind in the least."

"Of course. As you ask, I will do."

"Very well then." Sensui Shinobu chortled to himself.

Underlings- especially the ones who were attractive and easy to persuade into performing suspiciously pleasurable 'favors' without question- were a beautiful thing.

"Now...we shall get to the meat of our discussion , yes?...I seem to have forgotten how far you can shoot since last time, and how well you can cock your weapons. Please show me..." With that last bit of innuendo, the ex-Reikai Tantei pressed his hips into the other's rear as he was about to hurl a paper clip towards the wall of the cave with his youki.

From the boat, Itsuki momentarily broke his concentration on the creation of the gate to watch his lover's...training...of Hagiri Kaname.

"Sensui?" the youkai whispered, amused. "I am glad you have found ways to...amuse yourself...while I am in this state. If you decide to take any action, please take it where I can see it."

"Hmmph." This particular personality didn't go out of his way to seek out Itsuki's company. "Aren't you busy with the gate?"

"Remember that I love you...please..." And then he began to feel the boat sink in the small pool of water. He freed his hands momentarily, and began throwing varied items out of the boat: his usual incense, candles, potted daffodils, folding paper fans, leftover bento boxes, a copy of Gay Boys in Bondage (which Sensui immediately bent over to pick up), and, finally, the one item that was ironically weighing the jewel-in-the-lotus-shaped boat down, a two-foot-tall brass Buddha statue.

Sensui stared at the statue, and inquired, "Itsuki...why the hell did you keep this eyesore in the boat?"

To which Itsuki responded, in all honesty: "It reminds me of you."

Sensui stared at him momentarily as if he had grown hideous female breasts, which he somehow expected him to do in this sort of fanfiction...say, what was this "fanfiction" concept that invaded his mind all of a sudden? He shrugged it off as one of those damned voices he heard in his head from time to time.

But, not a second later, the girl with strands of gold and jewel-colored irises which few [attractive] male anime characters could escape without their brains sucked out appeared magically right behind the Seven's location, yelling, "I know your filthy secret! And I'm going to change that!"

Sensui snickered. "Woman..."-for this he spit through his teeth- "what kind of secret do you know, hmm?"

A slight pause as she got her Bible out of her book bag. "You..."- she pointed in turn to Doctor, Gourmet, Gamemaster, Seaman, Sniper, Gatekeeper, and finally lingering on Dark Angel himself- "...This cave is filled to the brim with FILTHY SODOMITES! You're all going to burn in hell! I don't care if you go around murdering people, that's forgivable, I want to do it too because my so-called best friend stole my mascara and my concert tickets...but GOD FORBIDS you lie with a man as with a woman!"

{Random Moment of Insanity}

Genkai Muse: Sooo…? Just lie with a man as with a man—no problem!

Yukina Muse: Ano…Sodomites? But aren't they from Japan? I thought they were Japanese? That's what Genkai-san told me.

Genkai Muse: Smart girl.

Neko: ;

SPS: Go Genkai-Muse of Neko's!

{/RMoI}

All that could be heard in Togashi-sensei's Palace of Painfully Obvious Buddhist Symbolism was the chirping of crickets.

Sensui turned around, exceedingly angry. "Woman, get the hell out of this place before I kill you. And what sort of odd book tells you that sort of bull shit?"

The girl smiled fakely, as Mary Sues were bound to do, and held up her Bible. "This! It's what God tells me to do!"

Sensui snatched the book and gave it to Itsuki, who promptly flipped through it, and pinpointed all of the points at which it contradicted itself, and also noted the bookmark made out of the shreds of a cotton/nylon/spandex stocking marking the aforementioned passage, that also said that wearing blended fabrics was a sin.

"Interesting," noted the demon. "Knowing human beings, and their propensity for hypocrisy at every turn, I'd have to say this would be a bestseller, even if some of the ideas aren't very original..."

"But Itsuki-san," interrupted Mitarai. "We're none too original either..."

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH, Seaman. I have had enough of your questioning. Must I remind you that you got tormented at your school because humans know to prey on the weak?" He scowled at Mitarai.

"Hai, Sensui-san." Mitarai hung his head. Humans were an evil breed, even these ones who were his allies...He wished that the youkai would come through the gate soon, to end his miserable existence...

With that, the girl glomped Mitarai Kiyoshi, just noticing how cute he was, and begged him to marry her. Oddly, there was now no water in the vicinity, and his pocket-knife had fallen out of his pocket, rendering him helpless. Knowing that out of all of them that Mitarai was most likely to give the Sue what she wanted, even if he despised it the whole way, Sensui decided he might as well attack, whereas before it seemed a waste of his time. Sooner was better, for her, at least.He launched Resshu-ken kou-kyuu-ha at her, which, since he was the real Sensui Shinobu and not some pitiful clone that came out of a fangirl's mind, caused her to explode, leaving Mary-Sue blood and guts splattered all over the cave walls.

Itsuki stared up at the crimson ceiling for a bit. "It was about time we redecorated, Sensui." With that, he smiled and went back to meditating, concentrating of the formation of the gate.

"She..she was Black Chapter material. I have no doubt in my mind that she and her ilk were on that tape." This incident had confirmed all of Sensui's beliefs, especially about the interference of women in their plans.

"Sensui..." whispered Itsuki. "If it is any consolation to you, I have figured out the meaning of our existence during meditation."

Sensui was slightly incredulous. "Hm?"

"It so happens that we are but two-dimensional line-drawings on plastic cels imbued with a consciousness, created instantaneously by a man named Togashi Yoshihiro...so it should not matter much what others think of us..."

Dark Angel turned towards his lover. "Itsuki...I do think that you are using too much incense. It is starting to cloud your mind."

Itsuki did not reply.

Here, Sensui turned to Mitarai, considering that issue completed. "Seaman, did you get the stuff I asked for?"

Mitarai nodded his head as he pulled up a pink makeup case and opened it to display the contents. Incredulous, Sensui looked through the items to make sure every requested makeup article was accounted for, then he stopped and picked up two pieces of thick paper. "Who is Amuro Namie?"

"No idea, Sensui-san. Never heard of them," Mitarai answered as he waited.

"Fine. Just go get ready, and wear the French maid suit."

Mitarai grimaced as he took the makeup case back and said, "But you dislike women."

"You are not a woman, correct?"

"Hai, Sensui-san," Mitarai muttered in defeat as he left to do as he was told

All was calm again, or relatively so, in the caves at Irima. Sensui invited Hagiri AND Mitarai to finish what they had started earlier [Hagiri being motivated both by Sensui's wishes and how cute Mitarai would look in a French maid suit], under Itsuki's watchful (or not-so-watchful) eye...as long as he got to keep their boxer shorts as a trophy afterwards.

-FIN

NOTES: Yep, there were a ton of in-jokes. (Friends of mine, who are reading this, count them! I dare you!) Also, "Gay Boys in Bondage" is a reference to the Monty Python sketch "Pornographic Bookstore". :D

Yukikaima's End Notes: Feh, call me Neko if you want. Yukikaima is just a penname. ! The random moments of insanity are mine if you are looking for anyone to blame for that. It's been forever since I used them, and that was quite fun. Since I mention it nowhere else, yeah, I helped write some of this. 3 Scary, ne?