The Best and Worst of Times
By Rica (AKA Ricker23)
Pairing: Grissom/Sara
Rating: PG13 just to be safe. May change later.
Summary: Grissom and Sara finally talk about "this" when he picks her up after her DUI incident and attempt to move forward. Written mainly from Sara's POV.
Spoilers: Up to Bloodlines.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters; they belong to someone else. I am merely borrowing them for a few moments.
A/N: This is my first attempt at fan fiction. Many thanks to Cheryl and Joy for their invaluable assistance and encouragement. Any mistakes belong to me. Feedback is welcome.
Chapter 1
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.
Let's start with the worst. In life, many times we have to go through the worst to get to the best.
I'm sitting at the Police Department, waiting. I remember waiting here with Suzanna Kirkwood before her ill-fated lineup several months ago. Now I'm waiting for HIM. I know they called HIM. I hear voices in the hallway; one voice in particular stands out, the one that has haunted my dreams for more years than I want to admit. I hear footsteps coming closer and I know it's HIM. My senses are on overload, like they always are when HE is around. He sits down beside me. I can feel his eyes on me. I can't look at him. My head is bowed and my hands are clasped in front of me. Then I hear him sigh...his sigh...a sound I have come to both love and hate.
Then the unexpected happens. He reaches over and takes hold of my hand and says softly, "Come on, I'll take you home."
After a brief moment, I finally look over at HIM, at Gil Grissom, my Supervisor, dreading what I will see in his eyes. Instead of the anger or disappointment I expect, there is only tenderness, concern, and something else I don't quite recognize.
As if in unspoken agreement, we both stand and walk out, his hand never leaving mine until we get to the car. After seeing that I am buckled in, he walks over to the driver's side, gets in and buckles up. He then reaches over and takes my left hand in his once again, this time lacing our fingers together.
"Do you feel up to a cup of coffee and talking?" he asks me as he starts the car and drives out of the parking lot.
Although I really don't, the fact that he is asking does not escape me. I shrug and answer, "Sure".
Grissom momentarily turns his blue eyes toward me and asks softly, almost in a whisper, "Sara, are you okay? Really okay?"
Not the lecture I was expecting, but there is still time for that, I think. "Yes, I'm fine." I look down at our clasped hands and can't help but smile. My heart is fluttering at the contact, my breathing somewhat labored. Willing my eyes back to the road, I realize that we aren't going to the diner as I had assumed. I turn and look at Grissom.
Sensing my eyes on him, he looks at me and seeing the unspoken question, he just raises his eyebrow and smiles. The drive continues in silence, until I realize we have turned onto his street. "Grissom, I don't think this is a good idea," I say. "Let's go to the diner".
Grissom just looks at me and says, "Sara, we have a lot to talk about and I would rather not be interrupted."
His true intention in talking at his townhouse is to deprive them both of an escape from the conversation. Having resolved to set things right with Sara, he thought to himself, 'If I don't do this now, I may really be too late and end up losing Sara forever'.
When his phone rang earlier in the evening and he realized Sara was in trouble, Grissom experienced a moment of sheer panic, thoughts of her being injured or worse crowded his heart and brought a stinging to his eyes. When he heard that she was okay, he tried to will his defenses back up, but realized he didn't want to. On the way over to where Sara was being held, Grissom had allowed himself to briefly reflect on the past year. He knew he had been distant towards her but it was only to protect himself. At least that was how he rationalized his behavior. He could no longer do that. No more denials. No more half-truths. It was time to lay it all on the line. It was now or never.
"Okay", I sigh, after contemplating his reasoning. To myself, I think 'let's just get it over with. It can't be any worse than I have imagined it'.
Only when he pulls into his driveway does Grissom let go of my hand. We get out and walk toward the front door. He places his left hand at the small of my back, silently guiding me. I realize how much I have missed the little touches that we used to share.
Grissom unlocks his door and stands back to allow me to enter first, following me in quickly before closing the door behind him. He turns on the light and guides me, again with his hand on my back, toward the sofa. "Have a seat. Coffee?" he asks.
"Sure" I answer, settling on the sofa while Grissom goes to the kitchen and begins making coffee. While waiting for the coffee to finish, he just leans against the counter and watches me. I can feel his eyes on me but cannot bring myself to look at him. I just lean back and close my eyes for a moment.
Suddenly, there is movement at my side and I feel the cushion dip as Grissom sits beside me, holding two cups of coffee. He hands me mine and we both just sit there, staring into the cups as if they contain all the answers to life's mysteries. Or maybe it is simply to gather courage.
Grissom takes a deep breath and starts to speak. "Sara, I don't know where to begin. I know things have been strained between us for some time now and I'm not sure how to go about fixing them. But I'm sure of one thing, Sara; I do want to fix it. When I got that call earlier tonight, I have to tell you..." He couldn't put into words what he had felt. "What happened to us, Sara? When did it go so wrong?"
"I think you know the answer to that, Grissom. It was when I asked you to dinner after the lab explosion and you turned me down. From then on, you basically ignored me. For years, we've played this little game of flirting, pushing and pulling." I make motions with my hands to get my point across. "I decided that I couldn't go on like that anymore, that the only way to find out what this was between us was to ask you out to dinner so we could talk about it away from the lab. That was my intention when I got to work. Funny that I would pick the day of the explosion to work up the courage to ask you out." Shaking my head, I look down at my hands and contemplate the irony of the situation.
"But Sara, you didn't ask me out until AFTER the explosion..." He is looking at me intently, trying to follow my line of thinking.
"Yes, but I tried on several occasions throughout shift to get you alone. It's funny when I think about it now...I'd see you in the hallway, start to approach, then someone would appear, needing your attention. Then, when we never could connect", I shrug my shoulders in a hopeless gesture, "I thought maybe that was my answer, that maybe it wasn't meant to be. Then the explosion happened and in that moment, everything changed. I realized that we may never have a second chance to do the things that are important to us. I was more determined than ever. There you were, kneeling in front of me asking if I was okay. You called me 'honey'. Did you even realize that?" I turn pained eyes on him.
"Not at first. I was operating on adrenaline at that point. I had no idea that you were anywhere near the lab when it exploded. Then I saw you sitting on the curb, looking shell-shocked and all I could do was react to you. Then later, there you were, leaning in my doorway like you've done so many times before. You know what happened next." He looks down at his hands to avoid my gaze.
"Yeah, you turned down my dinner invitation and ultimately cut me off from you completely, both personally AND professionally."
Grissom turns toward me to look deep into my eyes, his arm casually draped across the back of the sofa, so close to my shoulders. "Sara, that was never my intention. There were other issues I was dealing with, things I didn't want to share with anyone, least of all you."
"Why not? After all we've been through over the years, didn't you think you could trust me?"
"It wasn't a matter of trust, Sara. It was self-preservation. I've kept myself hidden for so long that I don't know how to operate any other way. I've been alone my entire adult life. It's all I've known. It's who I am."
"Grissom, I don't exactly throw myself out there either. You know that. We're so much alike in that way. We're both extremely private people, dedicated to our jobs, jobs that surround us with death and pain and suffering. Jobs where we can't always make a difference. But we keep on trying, hoping that on the next case, justice will prevail and the good guys will win." My voice is rising, becoming strong with the passion I feel for my work.
"I know that. That's one of the things that I admire most about you, Sara. Your dedication, your zeal to get at the truth, whatever that may be, wherever it may lead you." His arm drops to my shoulders. "Maybe that zeal is what scares me most about you, that you will see inside myself to the real me and not like what you see. A jaded, middle-aged man with nothing to offer."
"Grissom, don't sell yourself short. You have a lot to offer..."
"Let me finish, Sara" he says gently as he pulls me closer to his side. "Aside from the bureaucracy of my position and all that entails, I was worried about Greg. I also had Cavallo to deal with concerning the investigation into the explosion, which was enough to drive any person mad. I was also dealing with a medical condition that needed my undivided attention. In fact, when you asked me to dinner, I had just made the decision to schedule surgery." He is talking so low now that it is good that we are sitting so close or I might not have heard this admission
"Surgery?" I swivel my head quickly to search his eyes. "What for? Are you okay?" So many questions are running through my mind but I can't put them into words fast enough.
"I'm fine now, Sara. The surgery was to correct a genetic hearing disorder called Otosclerosis, which if left untreated, would have left me deaf. My mother is deaf. I was raised in a silent house; our only communication was through sign language. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time talking around you. By the time I have figured out how to put into words a response to one of your challenges, you're gone."
"That's why you took those couple of weeks off, isn't it? That also explains why you know sign language. I had wondered about that when we were working a case a few years ago. A student from the college for the hearing impaired had been killed. When I asked you about it you wouldn't answer so I just let it go."
Grissom continues, "I didn't tell anyone about the surgery, until the night before. Catherine was the only one I told because I was putting her in charge. She had to know but I asked her not to tell anyone else. I didn't want anyone else to know about it because I didn't want it to change the way people thought of me. I thought that they would see me as deficient, unable to do my job."
Tears are now filling my eyes and I can't stop them from spilling over and down my cheeks. The thought of this man going through that alone makes me so sad. I don't even realize that I am shaking.
"Sara, honey, don't cry. Please, I can't stand to see you cry." His voice full of anguish, he says, "Don't cry for me. I'm fine now. Shh...it's okay, it'll be okay." Grissom pulls me tighter into his embrace and brings his other arm around me. My hand is on his thigh and I feel his strength, his warmth filling me. We sit like this for what seems like forever. Finally, when I feel in control of my emotions again, I turn to look at him, only to see him staring at me intently, a questioning look in his eyes.
With another sigh, he asks gently, "Sara, I have to ask...I have to know, the drinking...is it a problem?"
"No, it's not. I mean, yeah, I have been drinking a little more than I normally do, but it's not a problem. The last year has taken a toll on me and I just didn't know how to handle it. I've always been in control and I felt that control slipping. On top of everything else, I was pretty upset about Nick getting the Key Position and YOUR sorry excuse for giving the recommendation to Nick. That really hurt me, Grissom. It was another slap in my face. Like I wasn't good enough for the position." I take a deep breath to calm down.
At that comment, Grissom opens his mouth to interrupt, but sensing Sara's need to get through this, he decides to wait and save that conversation for later.
"Anyway", I continue, "after the Linley Parker case was closed, Nick, Warrick and I headed out for a couple drinks. As we were leaving, Warrick asked if we wanted to grab a bite to eat, but both Nick and I said we were just going to call it a night. I didn't think I was over the limit, Grissom; I only had a few beers, but I didn't have anything to eat." I shake my head slowly, lost in thought now. "I know better. I should not have gotten in the car to drive home. How many times have I worked a scene where alcohol is involved? It was just stupid. Really stupid."
Grissom pulls me tighter and rests his bearded cheek on the top of my head. It's such a comforting moment. One I never thought I would experience, except maybe in my dreams.
"There was one other time when it was an issue", I continue, keeping my eyes staring straight ahead. "Remember when that couple was murdered outside their house a couple weeks back? Well, shift was over and I had gone to get something to eat and had a couple beers with breakfast. Then I got the call and headed to the scene. I didn't want anyone to know that I had been drinking so I kept popping cough drops. Brass called me on it and at first, I told him I thought I was coming down with something. Later, he approached me at LVPD. He really was very nice, almost fatherly, about it. I explained what happened. He just said that he was looking out for me."
Finally, I look at him. His arms are still wrapped around me. I draw comfort from that and begin again, "I have a confession to make...I guess this is as good a time as any, since I'm laying all of my cards on the table. I'm not sure how to say it, but...I heard what you said to Dr. Lurie in the interrogation room." At that, Grissom gasps, but I continue. "I was walking by and saw you and Brass in there with him and his lawyer and I stopped to listen. I felt so removed from that case, like I was on the outside looking in, that I just wanted to know what was going on. I didn't mean to hear..."
"God, Sara..." I can feel his chest move as he takes in a breath. "I'll never forget that moment when I walked into her bathroom and saw her lying on the floor surrounded by blood. To this day, I'm haunted by that image. I actually think my heart stopped beating. She looked so much like you." He closes his eyes, and I can tell he is seeing it in his mind again. "It was all I could do to take my next breath. Once I finished with the walk- through, all I wanted to do was to see you." He opens his eyes to look at me as if to punctuate his thought. "To see for myself that you were okay. I walked out the front door and looked for you. Once our eyes met across the lawn and I knew you were okay, I could breathe a little easier. I know that seems irrational. I mean, logically I knew that wasn't you in that bathroom. But it could have been."
Tears are filling his eyes now, clouding the beautiful blue orbs, and I see the same anguish in them now that I remember seeing that night so many months ago. He makes no move to wipe at the tears as he continues. "The reason I wanted you on the perimeter was so that you wouldn't see Debbie Marlin. I wanted to shield you from that. Hell, maybe I wanted to shield myself from seeing you in there, in that awful room. I was keeping you on the outside." With a short laugh, he continues "I guess that's what I've been doing for years now, keeping you on the perimeter of my life, just close enough to see you and touch you when I couldn't help myself, but far enough away that you couldn't penetrate the interior. I'm so sorry Sara."
"I did see her, Grissom, when I went to print her. I admit it did shock me. Later, when Catherine mentioned the resemblance, I played it down, like I didn't notice. But I did. It was...surreal, seeing someone that looked so much like me on a slab in the morgue." I shudder; that image still fresh in my mind.
"When Brass and I were talking with Lurie" Grissom said, "it hit me. We, Lurie and I, really aren't that different. We are both middle-aged men, dedicated to our careers. Then someone young and beautiful comes along and shakes the basic foundation of our existence. The difference between us is that he took that chance. I couldn't do it. I will regret that for the rest of my life, Sara. I let my insecurities and cowardice stand in the way of having something in my life that would make it all worthwhile. I've never sustained a relationship in my adult life. Something always happens to mess it up, most always work-related. Our job is not your typical 9-5, is it?" He smiles wryly.
I'm amazed at the ease with which we have been talking. Never before have we had a conversation that was this intense, this honest, this insightful. I'm finally getting a look at the real Gil Grissom, and he is so much more than I ever thought or could have hoped for.
It dawns on me that we have been sitting on the sofa talking for a couple hours when suddenly my stomach growls, reminding me that I still haven't eaten. I'm a little embarrassed but Grissom just laughs. The first time he's laughed since I first saw him at LVPD, even longer than that if truth be told. Soon I am laughing too. It feels good to just let go of some of the tension.
Grissom squeezes me tighter in his embrace before releasing me to stand up. "How about something to eat? I've got eggs...I can make us some omelets and toast." He says this as he is walking into the kitchen.
"Sounds good" I answer, as I stand up as well. I pick up our coffee cups and carry them to the kitchen. He starts gathering the items to make the omelets. The coffee has grown cold and I rinse out the cups and the coffeepot. Together we go about fixing the meal, Grissom making the omelets and me making toast and fresh coffee. It is like working a scene together. We anticipate each other's movements and maneuver around each other, often mimicking each other's actions with an ease that has always amazed me. Like we are in perfect harmony. Symmetry. I smile slightly at this realization.
When we sit down at the table, there is an easy silence as we eat. The omelets are light and fluffy, flavorful with onions, peppers, mushrooms and several kinds of cheese I would be hard-pressed to name. Who knew Grissom could cook!
After a while, Grissom puts his fork down, and looks at me, not saying anything. When I finally make eye contact with him, he opens his mouth to say something; his tongue appearing between his lips for just a moment, then sighs lightly and says, "Sara, I want you to do something for me."
With a little apprehension and curiosity, I set my fork down as well and reply, "What?"
"Take a couple weeks off, relax, go visit family, friends, see movies, sleep. Whatever helps you to relax. You really DO need some time to recoup. I know the last year has been tough on you, culminating in what happened earlier tonight. I don't want you to burn out. I see it happen all the time in this line of work."
"But..." I stammer, frowning slightly.
"Please. If for no other reason, do it for me."
I am unsure about this, but find myself answering, "I guess, okay. What will you tell the others?"
"Just that you are taking a well-deserved vacation, and getting some of those ten weeks you've built up off the books and HR off my back" he says with his trademark smirk and a wink.
Smiling, I get up from the table, gathering our dishes and heading to the kitchen, intent on cleaning up.
"Just put them in the sink", he tells me, stifling a yawn. "I'll deal with them later."
Realizing that he is as tired as I am, I say, "I should be getting home now. It's getting late and you need to rest.
"If you're sure then," he says and then the next moment, I hear the same words that started this eye-opening conversation hours ago, "Come on, I'll take you home."
TBC
By Rica (AKA Ricker23)
Pairing: Grissom/Sara
Rating: PG13 just to be safe. May change later.
Summary: Grissom and Sara finally talk about "this" when he picks her up after her DUI incident and attempt to move forward. Written mainly from Sara's POV.
Spoilers: Up to Bloodlines.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters; they belong to someone else. I am merely borrowing them for a few moments.
A/N: This is my first attempt at fan fiction. Many thanks to Cheryl and Joy for their invaluable assistance and encouragement. Any mistakes belong to me. Feedback is welcome.
Chapter 1
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.
Let's start with the worst. In life, many times we have to go through the worst to get to the best.
I'm sitting at the Police Department, waiting. I remember waiting here with Suzanna Kirkwood before her ill-fated lineup several months ago. Now I'm waiting for HIM. I know they called HIM. I hear voices in the hallway; one voice in particular stands out, the one that has haunted my dreams for more years than I want to admit. I hear footsteps coming closer and I know it's HIM. My senses are on overload, like they always are when HE is around. He sits down beside me. I can feel his eyes on me. I can't look at him. My head is bowed and my hands are clasped in front of me. Then I hear him sigh...his sigh...a sound I have come to both love and hate.
Then the unexpected happens. He reaches over and takes hold of my hand and says softly, "Come on, I'll take you home."
After a brief moment, I finally look over at HIM, at Gil Grissom, my Supervisor, dreading what I will see in his eyes. Instead of the anger or disappointment I expect, there is only tenderness, concern, and something else I don't quite recognize.
As if in unspoken agreement, we both stand and walk out, his hand never leaving mine until we get to the car. After seeing that I am buckled in, he walks over to the driver's side, gets in and buckles up. He then reaches over and takes my left hand in his once again, this time lacing our fingers together.
"Do you feel up to a cup of coffee and talking?" he asks me as he starts the car and drives out of the parking lot.
Although I really don't, the fact that he is asking does not escape me. I shrug and answer, "Sure".
Grissom momentarily turns his blue eyes toward me and asks softly, almost in a whisper, "Sara, are you okay? Really okay?"
Not the lecture I was expecting, but there is still time for that, I think. "Yes, I'm fine." I look down at our clasped hands and can't help but smile. My heart is fluttering at the contact, my breathing somewhat labored. Willing my eyes back to the road, I realize that we aren't going to the diner as I had assumed. I turn and look at Grissom.
Sensing my eyes on him, he looks at me and seeing the unspoken question, he just raises his eyebrow and smiles. The drive continues in silence, until I realize we have turned onto his street. "Grissom, I don't think this is a good idea," I say. "Let's go to the diner".
Grissom just looks at me and says, "Sara, we have a lot to talk about and I would rather not be interrupted."
His true intention in talking at his townhouse is to deprive them both of an escape from the conversation. Having resolved to set things right with Sara, he thought to himself, 'If I don't do this now, I may really be too late and end up losing Sara forever'.
When his phone rang earlier in the evening and he realized Sara was in trouble, Grissom experienced a moment of sheer panic, thoughts of her being injured or worse crowded his heart and brought a stinging to his eyes. When he heard that she was okay, he tried to will his defenses back up, but realized he didn't want to. On the way over to where Sara was being held, Grissom had allowed himself to briefly reflect on the past year. He knew he had been distant towards her but it was only to protect himself. At least that was how he rationalized his behavior. He could no longer do that. No more denials. No more half-truths. It was time to lay it all on the line. It was now or never.
"Okay", I sigh, after contemplating his reasoning. To myself, I think 'let's just get it over with. It can't be any worse than I have imagined it'.
Only when he pulls into his driveway does Grissom let go of my hand. We get out and walk toward the front door. He places his left hand at the small of my back, silently guiding me. I realize how much I have missed the little touches that we used to share.
Grissom unlocks his door and stands back to allow me to enter first, following me in quickly before closing the door behind him. He turns on the light and guides me, again with his hand on my back, toward the sofa. "Have a seat. Coffee?" he asks.
"Sure" I answer, settling on the sofa while Grissom goes to the kitchen and begins making coffee. While waiting for the coffee to finish, he just leans against the counter and watches me. I can feel his eyes on me but cannot bring myself to look at him. I just lean back and close my eyes for a moment.
Suddenly, there is movement at my side and I feel the cushion dip as Grissom sits beside me, holding two cups of coffee. He hands me mine and we both just sit there, staring into the cups as if they contain all the answers to life's mysteries. Or maybe it is simply to gather courage.
Grissom takes a deep breath and starts to speak. "Sara, I don't know where to begin. I know things have been strained between us for some time now and I'm not sure how to go about fixing them. But I'm sure of one thing, Sara; I do want to fix it. When I got that call earlier tonight, I have to tell you..." He couldn't put into words what he had felt. "What happened to us, Sara? When did it go so wrong?"
"I think you know the answer to that, Grissom. It was when I asked you to dinner after the lab explosion and you turned me down. From then on, you basically ignored me. For years, we've played this little game of flirting, pushing and pulling." I make motions with my hands to get my point across. "I decided that I couldn't go on like that anymore, that the only way to find out what this was between us was to ask you out to dinner so we could talk about it away from the lab. That was my intention when I got to work. Funny that I would pick the day of the explosion to work up the courage to ask you out." Shaking my head, I look down at my hands and contemplate the irony of the situation.
"But Sara, you didn't ask me out until AFTER the explosion..." He is looking at me intently, trying to follow my line of thinking.
"Yes, but I tried on several occasions throughout shift to get you alone. It's funny when I think about it now...I'd see you in the hallway, start to approach, then someone would appear, needing your attention. Then, when we never could connect", I shrug my shoulders in a hopeless gesture, "I thought maybe that was my answer, that maybe it wasn't meant to be. Then the explosion happened and in that moment, everything changed. I realized that we may never have a second chance to do the things that are important to us. I was more determined than ever. There you were, kneeling in front of me asking if I was okay. You called me 'honey'. Did you even realize that?" I turn pained eyes on him.
"Not at first. I was operating on adrenaline at that point. I had no idea that you were anywhere near the lab when it exploded. Then I saw you sitting on the curb, looking shell-shocked and all I could do was react to you. Then later, there you were, leaning in my doorway like you've done so many times before. You know what happened next." He looks down at his hands to avoid my gaze.
"Yeah, you turned down my dinner invitation and ultimately cut me off from you completely, both personally AND professionally."
Grissom turns toward me to look deep into my eyes, his arm casually draped across the back of the sofa, so close to my shoulders. "Sara, that was never my intention. There were other issues I was dealing with, things I didn't want to share with anyone, least of all you."
"Why not? After all we've been through over the years, didn't you think you could trust me?"
"It wasn't a matter of trust, Sara. It was self-preservation. I've kept myself hidden for so long that I don't know how to operate any other way. I've been alone my entire adult life. It's all I've known. It's who I am."
"Grissom, I don't exactly throw myself out there either. You know that. We're so much alike in that way. We're both extremely private people, dedicated to our jobs, jobs that surround us with death and pain and suffering. Jobs where we can't always make a difference. But we keep on trying, hoping that on the next case, justice will prevail and the good guys will win." My voice is rising, becoming strong with the passion I feel for my work.
"I know that. That's one of the things that I admire most about you, Sara. Your dedication, your zeal to get at the truth, whatever that may be, wherever it may lead you." His arm drops to my shoulders. "Maybe that zeal is what scares me most about you, that you will see inside myself to the real me and not like what you see. A jaded, middle-aged man with nothing to offer."
"Grissom, don't sell yourself short. You have a lot to offer..."
"Let me finish, Sara" he says gently as he pulls me closer to his side. "Aside from the bureaucracy of my position and all that entails, I was worried about Greg. I also had Cavallo to deal with concerning the investigation into the explosion, which was enough to drive any person mad. I was also dealing with a medical condition that needed my undivided attention. In fact, when you asked me to dinner, I had just made the decision to schedule surgery." He is talking so low now that it is good that we are sitting so close or I might not have heard this admission
"Surgery?" I swivel my head quickly to search his eyes. "What for? Are you okay?" So many questions are running through my mind but I can't put them into words fast enough.
"I'm fine now, Sara. The surgery was to correct a genetic hearing disorder called Otosclerosis, which if left untreated, would have left me deaf. My mother is deaf. I was raised in a silent house; our only communication was through sign language. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time talking around you. By the time I have figured out how to put into words a response to one of your challenges, you're gone."
"That's why you took those couple of weeks off, isn't it? That also explains why you know sign language. I had wondered about that when we were working a case a few years ago. A student from the college for the hearing impaired had been killed. When I asked you about it you wouldn't answer so I just let it go."
Grissom continues, "I didn't tell anyone about the surgery, until the night before. Catherine was the only one I told because I was putting her in charge. She had to know but I asked her not to tell anyone else. I didn't want anyone else to know about it because I didn't want it to change the way people thought of me. I thought that they would see me as deficient, unable to do my job."
Tears are now filling my eyes and I can't stop them from spilling over and down my cheeks. The thought of this man going through that alone makes me so sad. I don't even realize that I am shaking.
"Sara, honey, don't cry. Please, I can't stand to see you cry." His voice full of anguish, he says, "Don't cry for me. I'm fine now. Shh...it's okay, it'll be okay." Grissom pulls me tighter into his embrace and brings his other arm around me. My hand is on his thigh and I feel his strength, his warmth filling me. We sit like this for what seems like forever. Finally, when I feel in control of my emotions again, I turn to look at him, only to see him staring at me intently, a questioning look in his eyes.
With another sigh, he asks gently, "Sara, I have to ask...I have to know, the drinking...is it a problem?"
"No, it's not. I mean, yeah, I have been drinking a little more than I normally do, but it's not a problem. The last year has taken a toll on me and I just didn't know how to handle it. I've always been in control and I felt that control slipping. On top of everything else, I was pretty upset about Nick getting the Key Position and YOUR sorry excuse for giving the recommendation to Nick. That really hurt me, Grissom. It was another slap in my face. Like I wasn't good enough for the position." I take a deep breath to calm down.
At that comment, Grissom opens his mouth to interrupt, but sensing Sara's need to get through this, he decides to wait and save that conversation for later.
"Anyway", I continue, "after the Linley Parker case was closed, Nick, Warrick and I headed out for a couple drinks. As we were leaving, Warrick asked if we wanted to grab a bite to eat, but both Nick and I said we were just going to call it a night. I didn't think I was over the limit, Grissom; I only had a few beers, but I didn't have anything to eat." I shake my head slowly, lost in thought now. "I know better. I should not have gotten in the car to drive home. How many times have I worked a scene where alcohol is involved? It was just stupid. Really stupid."
Grissom pulls me tighter and rests his bearded cheek on the top of my head. It's such a comforting moment. One I never thought I would experience, except maybe in my dreams.
"There was one other time when it was an issue", I continue, keeping my eyes staring straight ahead. "Remember when that couple was murdered outside their house a couple weeks back? Well, shift was over and I had gone to get something to eat and had a couple beers with breakfast. Then I got the call and headed to the scene. I didn't want anyone to know that I had been drinking so I kept popping cough drops. Brass called me on it and at first, I told him I thought I was coming down with something. Later, he approached me at LVPD. He really was very nice, almost fatherly, about it. I explained what happened. He just said that he was looking out for me."
Finally, I look at him. His arms are still wrapped around me. I draw comfort from that and begin again, "I have a confession to make...I guess this is as good a time as any, since I'm laying all of my cards on the table. I'm not sure how to say it, but...I heard what you said to Dr. Lurie in the interrogation room." At that, Grissom gasps, but I continue. "I was walking by and saw you and Brass in there with him and his lawyer and I stopped to listen. I felt so removed from that case, like I was on the outside looking in, that I just wanted to know what was going on. I didn't mean to hear..."
"God, Sara..." I can feel his chest move as he takes in a breath. "I'll never forget that moment when I walked into her bathroom and saw her lying on the floor surrounded by blood. To this day, I'm haunted by that image. I actually think my heart stopped beating. She looked so much like you." He closes his eyes, and I can tell he is seeing it in his mind again. "It was all I could do to take my next breath. Once I finished with the walk- through, all I wanted to do was to see you." He opens his eyes to look at me as if to punctuate his thought. "To see for myself that you were okay. I walked out the front door and looked for you. Once our eyes met across the lawn and I knew you were okay, I could breathe a little easier. I know that seems irrational. I mean, logically I knew that wasn't you in that bathroom. But it could have been."
Tears are filling his eyes now, clouding the beautiful blue orbs, and I see the same anguish in them now that I remember seeing that night so many months ago. He makes no move to wipe at the tears as he continues. "The reason I wanted you on the perimeter was so that you wouldn't see Debbie Marlin. I wanted to shield you from that. Hell, maybe I wanted to shield myself from seeing you in there, in that awful room. I was keeping you on the outside." With a short laugh, he continues "I guess that's what I've been doing for years now, keeping you on the perimeter of my life, just close enough to see you and touch you when I couldn't help myself, but far enough away that you couldn't penetrate the interior. I'm so sorry Sara."
"I did see her, Grissom, when I went to print her. I admit it did shock me. Later, when Catherine mentioned the resemblance, I played it down, like I didn't notice. But I did. It was...surreal, seeing someone that looked so much like me on a slab in the morgue." I shudder; that image still fresh in my mind.
"When Brass and I were talking with Lurie" Grissom said, "it hit me. We, Lurie and I, really aren't that different. We are both middle-aged men, dedicated to our careers. Then someone young and beautiful comes along and shakes the basic foundation of our existence. The difference between us is that he took that chance. I couldn't do it. I will regret that for the rest of my life, Sara. I let my insecurities and cowardice stand in the way of having something in my life that would make it all worthwhile. I've never sustained a relationship in my adult life. Something always happens to mess it up, most always work-related. Our job is not your typical 9-5, is it?" He smiles wryly.
I'm amazed at the ease with which we have been talking. Never before have we had a conversation that was this intense, this honest, this insightful. I'm finally getting a look at the real Gil Grissom, and he is so much more than I ever thought or could have hoped for.
It dawns on me that we have been sitting on the sofa talking for a couple hours when suddenly my stomach growls, reminding me that I still haven't eaten. I'm a little embarrassed but Grissom just laughs. The first time he's laughed since I first saw him at LVPD, even longer than that if truth be told. Soon I am laughing too. It feels good to just let go of some of the tension.
Grissom squeezes me tighter in his embrace before releasing me to stand up. "How about something to eat? I've got eggs...I can make us some omelets and toast." He says this as he is walking into the kitchen.
"Sounds good" I answer, as I stand up as well. I pick up our coffee cups and carry them to the kitchen. He starts gathering the items to make the omelets. The coffee has grown cold and I rinse out the cups and the coffeepot. Together we go about fixing the meal, Grissom making the omelets and me making toast and fresh coffee. It is like working a scene together. We anticipate each other's movements and maneuver around each other, often mimicking each other's actions with an ease that has always amazed me. Like we are in perfect harmony. Symmetry. I smile slightly at this realization.
When we sit down at the table, there is an easy silence as we eat. The omelets are light and fluffy, flavorful with onions, peppers, mushrooms and several kinds of cheese I would be hard-pressed to name. Who knew Grissom could cook!
After a while, Grissom puts his fork down, and looks at me, not saying anything. When I finally make eye contact with him, he opens his mouth to say something; his tongue appearing between his lips for just a moment, then sighs lightly and says, "Sara, I want you to do something for me."
With a little apprehension and curiosity, I set my fork down as well and reply, "What?"
"Take a couple weeks off, relax, go visit family, friends, see movies, sleep. Whatever helps you to relax. You really DO need some time to recoup. I know the last year has been tough on you, culminating in what happened earlier tonight. I don't want you to burn out. I see it happen all the time in this line of work."
"But..." I stammer, frowning slightly.
"Please. If for no other reason, do it for me."
I am unsure about this, but find myself answering, "I guess, okay. What will you tell the others?"
"Just that you are taking a well-deserved vacation, and getting some of those ten weeks you've built up off the books and HR off my back" he says with his trademark smirk and a wink.
Smiling, I get up from the table, gathering our dishes and heading to the kitchen, intent on cleaning up.
"Just put them in the sink", he tells me, stifling a yawn. "I'll deal with them later."
Realizing that he is as tired as I am, I say, "I should be getting home now. It's getting late and you need to rest.
"If you're sure then," he says and then the next moment, I hear the same words that started this eye-opening conversation hours ago, "Come on, I'll take you home."
TBC