Standard disclaimers apply!
Sunlight streamed through grandiose floor-to-ceiling window panes, the day as pleasant as pleasantries could be. Somewhere in Japan it was raining like there was no tomorrow, but inside the Clamp campus no such thing should bother Imonoyama Nokoru's pleasant Thursday afternoon, and the thoughtful and subservient men and women of the university's weather control system station made sure of thus. Right now light filtered to his office blissfully. Right now thoughts swirled through his mind in the same manner, watching his secretary scan potential flyers.
The boy had been uneasy, easily nervous, almost panicky throughout the day – such awfully inaccurate terms to describe Takamura Suoh. "We have such perfect weather today, ne, Suoh?"
Suoh looked up to his desk, politely replying, deft fingers stumbling slightly at the scanner buttons. It was a small fumble easily missed but Nokoru had expected it – it made him almost smile and he lifted his fan over half his face, pursing his lips, angling his head towards the windows dramatically. "Your evening with Nagisa-san was just as perfect last Friday, I'm certain."
Just then he let his gaze wander to where Suoh hit his shin against a wastebasket, the younger boy suppressing a barrage of curses. "H-hai." He still replied, dropping to his knees. Sheets of paper littered over the pristine carpet.
"Why Suoh," Nokoru found this as an appropriate time to approach, making Suoh nearly jump in surprise at the suddenness of his proximity; Suoh had lifted his face and met his just inches away, when he had been a good seven feet or so from him before that, writing something on a piece of yellow paper and slipping it somewhere. "You don't seem yourself today, and the entire week." He let his voice linger, implying a question, but Suoh didn't answer. Just as he expected.
"If you don't mind me asking, last week," Nokoru put on his best appealing face, /Did something not happen?"/. "Did something happen? Is all well between you and Nagisa-san?"
Suoh gave a small smile, one of those curt expressions he wore when tried not to worry his kaichou – Nokoru could read him as effortlessly as he did those papers he signed in a glance, only with much more delight. Casually he placed a supporting hand on Suoh's shoulder, pulling his chair for him, and gestured for him to sit down. Almost a full week had passed; he'd given Suoh enough time to think for himself, without his prodding, and now was the time to move in.
"Trust that I will listen to and understand your worries, Suoh." Nokoru flashed the most winning smile in his arsenal, the one that guaranteed him a 100 percent voting turn-out, and Suoh felt a little light-headed receiving the wattage all by himself. He nodded dumbly, a deer caught in headlights.
"Nagisa-san is wonderful, very talented and intelligent. I enjoy her company knowing such things and there are plenty for us to talk about during walks and in here, when she visits." Suoh sighed, partly defeated, that he was now saying this. If there was anyone he'd share this with it was only Nokoru, for certain, and perhaps Ijuin eventually… or maybe that would be years from now.
Secretly, Suoh had hoped Nokoru would ask. "The problem is, she is in kinder garden. I had liked her instantly. But the more we are together the more I realize that…" Suoh paused, wondering how to phrase it. He'd thought about this quite often before taking it up with Nagisa; he knew exactly what the problem was. But to say it out loud to someone else… He looked at Nokoru's face for help and the president simply nodded.
"Wakarimasu." Nokoru flipped open his fan and the katana for "co-n-di-tio-n" greeted Suoh, making him blink. "The attraction is there, but your conditions for a relationship are different. Is this right, Suoh?"
Suoh stared in amazement. But then, Nokoru did seem to be a genius in everything, why not this, too? "Aa."
Nokoru pointed upwards, as if he was making a conclusion about a burglary case and not taking about Suoh's love life. "Nagisa-san, young as she is, finds it suitable that you stay for tea and take matching ikebana lessons, whereas you, a fifth grader caught in the cusp of youth and puberty, are interested in a more earnest relationship." Nokoru smiled playfully at Suoh, not able to restrain it; if he had played his cards well enough, and he knew he did, Suoh would reply with a yes.
Suoh felt almost guilty about thinking such things about Nagisa, but it was the simple truth. "It's just… yes. We've talked about it, somehow, discussing how we had different interests, as everyday interests come." Interests, as in hobbies and habits; it was all he could do to make her understand, without being blunt or, should he say, inappropriate. He could not even hold Nagisa's hand, let alone ask her out in the evenings after eight, kiss her on the cheek or even talk to her about their "relationship". The very word "koibito" was a taboo despite the fact that they'd been going out. Recently she'd noticed how restless he seemed during their engagements, and she, too, seemed uncomfortable.
It was just… even the thought of wanting to smell her hair made him burn outrageously with guilt, but he could not help but wonder still, being so close to her so often. It was a struggle, being able to do so to both Ijuin and Nokoru – admittedly to Nokoru, more so, the two of them quite physical in the sense that he could not remember letting anyone else touch him the way he let Nokoru did. Certainly none of the glomping, even if it was Nagisa-san, would leave him comfortable as with Nokoru's playfulness.
"Hormones." Nokoru's face was serious, as was his tone. Businesslike. When Suoh's eyes widened he smiled at him kindly. "It's a scientific fact, Suoh. There's no need for you to be ashamed of what physiology dictates to us."
"Of course not, kaichou." Suoh leaned forward, propping his elbows on his knees. He had not meant to compare Nokoru to Nagisa, especially since Nokoru was a boy like him, and so any physical contact would not contain the malice of that between a girl and a boy… would it? Even though the sensation was somewhat similar…? "But it's come between us. Nagisa-san and I, I mean. I realize now, as much as much as I like her…"
Right, Nokoru thought, genuflecting before Suoh, eyes darting to the door one last time. The digital clock on Suoh's blue cubicle desk read 4:30 – Akira would be heading a dough-kneading forum in the home economics department until five, and delays were expected from such a large course group. "You realize that you cannot really form a relationship with her, under your terms."
Suoh nodded, minutely surprised for the second time at Nokoru's closeness. It was this type of constant nearness that made touch so crucial to him; being able to handle Nokoru in every which way he chose ensured his hold on the president's safety – it cemented their commitment to stay together. And it was obvious, not having that bond with Nagisa; to not be able to touch someone comfortably could not possibly be a healthy relationship.
"Poor Suoh." Nokoru leaned forward, hands cupping both his cheeks, the bright blue of his eyes sorrowful and imploring. "To touch someone you care for is the most wonderful feeling. Affection is the delight of all lasting relationships."
It was just like Nokoru to speak in random, personalized pearls of wisdom out of the blue. "I don't know that feeling, kaichou."
"You must." Nokoru smiled licked his lips, seeing how Suoh's face had begun to pink at the temples, his cheeks warm. Suoh may not predict his intentions specifically, but he could feel them – Suoh was expecting something. As he should, because Nokoru knew how Suoh had been affected by their proximity since the beginning, how Suoh had always unknowingly benefited from all that… handling. That's what he felt was missing with Nagisa, that odd spark he could not identify. And it was high time he did.
Gentleness had brought him thus far; Nokoru knew that his patience had paid off and now was the time to strike with a direct statement, spoken with undying sweetness, of course. "You do know it, Suoh, because you've felt it with me." Slipping his hand underneath Suoh's chin, almost to his neck, he forced the handsome face into eye contact. "Have you not?"
"Honto desu." Gracious and straightforward as always Suoh did not even think to reply; even his movements reflected this, as his hands unaffectedly clasped Nokoru by the shoulders, his upper body still angled forward so that their faces were at parallel. "I have sworn to protect you at all costs, kaichou. Doing so is a great satisfaction for me."
"Suoh, you understand only partly." Shadowy blue strands covered Suoh's dark eyes and he pushed them aside, both bemused and grateful at how natural it was for them to engage in gestures like this… such that the almost touch-phobic Takamura-san thought nothing peculiar about it. "My life is not at risk right now. Why must you hold me?"
Suoh blinked. Hold him? Surely he found his grip on Nokoru a little controlling, tugging at the slight shoulders, and he found himself out of words.
"Does it make you feel in any way?"
Nokoru's voice was soft, his breath a warm hum washing over the skin of his face; immediately Suoh nodded, even though he was unsure of what to say, because he had simply never lied to Nokoru and telling him what he thought right out was what he'd always done. "Kaichou. What are you saying?"
Nokoru didn't reply; only he tilted his chin, leaning forwards, pressing his lips to his cheek without much force or movement, merely hovering over the skin. But he had closed his eyes. "Gomennasai, Suoh," Nokoru spoke quietly, slowly resting his head just above Suoh's chest, near his neck. "I cannot say such words. If you can feel what I do now, then you would understand, and if you can not, then you never will."
Suoh swallowed, knowing the Nokoru would see it but not caring, arms moving to their own accord around the older boy, gathering him closer; he nearly closed his eyes as the scent of cherries and sweet almond wafted through his senses, Nokoru's shampoo. How dense of him; he chose to protect Nokoru because he felt something towards him – he liked him honestly, and he knew this. Truly, he did. But… having never felt it before, he didn't know that he liked Nokoru in a different manner entirely.
Was he capable of such deep feelings then, for Nokoru? More so, for… another boy?
He let his arms tighten a little around Nokoru – he had always liked embracing him this way, even if it was because a bomb was exploding nearby. He had always known that Nokoru had a fairly strong feminine side, but apparently, there was more to that. And it never bothered him before, so why would it now?
/I do like this./ For the first time Suoh was confronted with the fact that there was more to being a feminist to Nokoru, and it had plenty to do with his preferences. Cross-dressing, tea ceremonies, waltzes, a fashion sense better than any of the female students -
Cosmetics in the office toilets…
Penguin blimps…
The peonies… and the pantyhose…
How could he have missed it, if he never found such clues to be utterly normal himself? Nokoru liked girls, but not… this way. Not in the way he liked being in Suoh's arms. And Suoh knew the feeling was mutual. "I understand it."
"Ho? Do you?" Vivid blue glinted; Nokoru had gripped the back of his office chair, almost locking him in place, and had managed to wedge himself between Suoh's legs. Suoh blinked; polite and sweet Nokoru was, but also, playful in a way that anything could be fun for him. The way Nokoru was grinning at him made him raise a brow.
"Kaichou," Suoh frowned disapprovingly. "You knew I felt this way before you asked, didn't you?"
Peals of laughter filled the space between them. Suoh fumed – Nokoru had simply been waiting for it to come from him, drawing out the situation; he honestly didn't find the situation humorous one bit. "Kaichou! It's not funny!" He felt his cheeks heat up and had no doubt he had turned crimson to his roots, embarrassed at how inexperienced he proved himself to be.
"Maa, maa, Suoh, let me make it up to you." At that Nokoru had pressed his mouth to his, so swiftly Suoh barely registered the motion, only having that firm, dull pressure on his lips silence him enough for the world around him to come alive: the chilliness of the air-conditioning, the luster of spun fire framing Nokoru's face in the sunlight, another fragrance, this time, like honey and saliva and Ijuin's iced tea. When definite fingers tugged at the sides of his waist, pulling at the fabric of his uniform, the force of what was happening hit him like a tsunami and Suoh found himself reeling at the impact, forgetting to breath completely as Nokoru pulled away.
Nokoru stood up, beaming. "Boku no first kiss-u," he bowed at waist-level, one hand behind his back, the other gesturing boldly. "For the privilege of your forgiveness." Suoh only gaped open-mouthed.
Nokoru opened his fan, posing for posterity, the hiragana for "ya-ku-so-ku", promise, emblazoned in fiery pink on the front. "And for your undying love, as well, of course "
With that door opened and in came a boy nearly overwhelmed by the mountain of sweets piled high on the tray he tried to balance with both hands. Ijuin Akira was as popular as his nakama in the student council, thus during forums and lectures he always returned with countless tokens of gratitude. "Senpai-tachi, konnichiwa!"
"Akira!" Nokura ran to accommodate the load in his treasurer's hands, carrying the tray to the coffee table by the other side of the room. "You're a little late, ne?"
"Un! Sumimasen deshita, kaichou!" Bubbly as always and always in good spirits Akira bounced towards the center of the room, toting a plastic container, He went on about students flooding the forum and the generous gifts and a group enthusiastic about boat tarts, circling his cubicle until he halted in front of Suoh, who was staring at the ground.
Akira blinked. "Anou, Takamura-senpai?" He lifted the slice of coconut cream pie in his hands and waved the box slightly at Suoh's line of sight. "Eto…"
Suoh was currently cupping his own cheeks, preventing himself from blushing.
"Kaichou…" Akira turned worried, wobbly eyes on Nokoru. "Nani kore…?"
Nokoru stepped towards them, placing a hand on Suoh's shoulder. At the back of his head he panicked at what Nokoru would say. When the blonde replied happily he almost cringed at the word.
"GUILT!!!" His fan opened to reveal the same word in bold romanji font.
"Guilt?!?" Both Akira and Suoh started, only Akira sounded curious and Suoh sounded delirious.
Nokoru squeezed Suoh's shoulder, making him stop midway from standing up. "Suoh has realized that he has deprived me of his smile for far too long. Haven't you, Suoh?"
"Uh…" Suoh was speechless. What? What was it with this boy?
"And so, he is now plotting how to apologize!" Nokuro declared emphatically, Akira clapping and his eyes transforming into twinkling orbs – he didn't know what his kaichou was talking about, but he knew his senpai-tachi thought of strange ideas all the time anyway, so he didn't bother to ask. Nokoru patted his head lovingly. "Why don't we leave him alone, then? I'll take you to that new café by the clock tower you like, Akira, my treat, because of the wonderful day it is. What do you say, dear Akira?"
Akira put his chin between his hands, genuinely excited. Tiramisu! And Kyoto blend! "Sasuga na, kaichou! Now you and Takamura-senpai will get along better! And dessert by the café sounds good, too!" He glomped onto Nokoru's waiting arm and they cheerfully breezed out of the office, talking about the menu.
Suoh coughed. Once. Twice. He held his hand up to protest to an empty room.
sweatdrop
"Chotto…" Suoh meeped. The paperwork… And what was that he said about his… ? Did he hear right?
Egao?
The clock read six-fifteen, sunset past. Office hours were long over but he'd been sitting in his cubicle without much getting done, only a couple of sighs and getting flustered every once in a while. Understandably; Takamura Suoh touched his lips – they were still tingling.
He walked up the platform, taking the rest of the papers towering over the head desk. Really, that Nokoru-sama, he could not understand him anymore. Teasing and cheerful one minute, then profound, then outrageous, then back at genki, lively kaichou. It was not impossible to believe that he made plans as events happened, moment-to-a-madcap-moment, and not really as a well-planned series like the methodical genius he was credited to be. Perhaps the words just spilled out of his mouth spontaneously as he made them up in his head when he felt like it, and fun as he found that to be.
It was a good thing Suoh thought he was perfect, or else such a thing could be considered a flaw.
Fog had started to descend the atmosphere; Suoh stared outside where the moon would later visit, thinking of Nagisa sitting somewhere in the campus, playing him a song. How strange it was that he'd entertained her, with his inclinations directed towards Nokoru all this time; how strange that Nagisa let him go so easily, as if she knew… And if only he had known - if only Nokoru had talked to him earlier. If only Nokoru was more meticulous, as he was known to be, in this matter… which would be the case if only he'd been more serious. Perhaps he only found out recently?
Or did he? Suoh filed the papers neatly inside carton boxes, sighing, until the president's desk was bare, save for a sheet of yellow paper underneath all the paperwork. He picked it up and was mildly surprised to find it addressed to him.
Suoh, you may open the blue envelope now.
The… ?
Oh. Oh! Immediately Suoh ran to his cubicle, pulling out the said document. There was no question about what it was.
Outside the Clamp campus trademark glimmered at him in gold, the Imonoyama stamp guarding the seal from pre-opening; it was the first document Nokoru handed him, on his first day on the job. Quickly, but neatly, he tore the side open with a letter opener, pulling out yet another sheet of paper. What could it possibly be about? He had always assumed it contained confidential records, or maybe a set of passwords, security codes, maybe files about the Imonoyama zaibatsu.
But then again, maybe not. Maybe it was about photos. Suoh blinked.
Three summers ago someone had taken a picture of them together, him and Nokoru, the two most popular boys in school. The snapshot greeted him with Nokoru's infectious smile and his apparent embarrassment during the time, clipped to the top of the sheet; right under it Nokoru's elegant hand-writing penned down English letters with an arrow pointing to his face. On top it said, "How horrible, that you could deprive me of a smile."
/Kaichou… sonna… !/ Suoh gulped at the words following it.
What shall you do now, Suoh, for the privilege of my forgiveness, now that you know how to ask for it? I believe I have waited long enough.
So he did know all along. But what did he mean by knowing how to ask for… the privilege of his…
meep
Suoh searched his pockets for a handkerchief, feeling the beginnings of a nosebleed.
Owari
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