Authors' Notes: This is exciting. We have the latest chapter posted up before the deadline. Go us.

Much thanks to I-Love-Rupert, noisy lil brat, and sweet saturn for being the first actual members for writing a review. You will receive a thousand dollars in the mail. Or a sock. Preferably a sock.

Warning: This chapter is excruciatingly long and contains parodies of just more than West Side Story. Beware. You have been warned.

Somewhere in Spain or Mexico

The small room glistened beautifully as the Spanish sunshine broke through the windows and danced playfully about. A small table laid in the center of the seemingly innocent room where seemingly innocent activities would take place. And on that table laid something which definitely wasn't innocent:

A box of vanilla wafers.

Margarita entered the room wearing a rather fetching and provocative house dress. She bent over to the table and gasped in horror at the seemingly un-innocent box of vanilla wafers. Tears poured down her face as Rico entered the room. His suave blonde hair shined while his handsome tan flourished upon his impressively muscular body. He approached Margarita, but she hastened off. Cheesy romantic music began to play.

"You... you've been cheating!" Margarita shouted as her face became swollen with tears. She pointed her delicate fingers over to the table at the box of vanilla wafers.

"It's not what you think..." said Rico. He went over to her and comforted her as she cried.

"I promised I would kill you and myself if I ever found you cheating!" At this, she pulled out a slender revolver and gently loaded it.

"But dear, they're vanilla..." he said calmly. "Vanilla"

Just then, an old straggly man whose hair was black, white, and grey, entered the room wearing his prized tuxedo. "No... it's not what you think Margarita... it is only vanilla!" The woman laughed and went over to Rico. There, they hugged and passionately kissed. All was fine again, until...

She pulled the gun back out. "No! Not vanilla!" She then pointed the gun at Rico. "Don't you understand? I can't love you if Lola comes between us! I thought you loved me!"

"I saved..." he said coolly. "I though that meant something to you!" Margarita then pointed at herself and was overcome by tears and then, abruptly, pulled the trigger - - -

Then a cell phone went off. Margarita answered it. "I see..", she said. Then, putting it away, Margarita, who was a character on a Spanish soap played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, promptly left the set after explaining, "Lo ciento. Me queremos ir a la Los Angelas jugar en la musical "South Side Sing-A-Long." No puede hablar no. Adios!"

Back in Los Angeles

"My my my my music hits me, so hard, makes me say 'Oh my Lord! Thank you, for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and do high beats.' Feels good, when you know you're down! Super-dough homeboy from this town! I'm known - as such - and this is a beat - uh - you can't touch!" Riff listened merrily to his iPod as he frolicked on over to Tony's place.

Tony lived with his uncle Pietro who was the head worker in the Los Angeles Italian-American Mafia, so it only made sense that Tony should live out the rest of his days serving as a waiter in his uncle's spaghetti restaurant.

So Riff walked on into the Italian-American atmosphere surrounding the restaurant. "Tony!" shouted Riff.

"Riff?" Tony pondered, causing him to a basket of breadsticks. "That must be Riff, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell..." Tony gazed off into the distance with a blank face.

"Tony, Tony, Tony! Snap out of it!" Riff promptly smacked Tony. "Hey, I'm here to inform you about a major-happenin' dance tonight have at the school gym. We need your help. We think the Skanks might be planning something big tonight."

Tony's eyes glowed. "Riff, I need to tell you a secret..." Tony grabbed him and pulled him back to the kitchen. There, he pulled from his apron a white doo-rag and a thick heavy gold chain, both of which he put on appropriately. "Whaddya think?"

Riff was horribly, horribly, appalled. There were only two explanations for this. Tony must really be Eminem trapped inside the body of a beloved Mafia hit-man's nephew, or Orlando Bloom's next role was to play Rabbit in the summer's newest sequel "8 Mile: 2" What the hell is going on?, Riff wondered.

"What the hell is going on?" Riff said out loud.

"Man, I'm all psyched out about this rap battle at the dance tonight! It's gonna be off the heezy! I be rappin' , I be cappin', I be tappin', I be happen - - ing! Bing! Bling! Ring! King!"

"Oh, for God's sake Tony, not this damn rapper thing again! When are you going to grow up and abandon your childish goals and actually get a real dream?"

"But I do have a dream!"

"And what's that?"

"To have a dream!"

"Look, Tony, just be there at the dance tonight. It's about time we show those Chinese Skanks who really owns these streets. And please... don't come like... that." Having said his part, Riff left, finding it very odd about the things going on around him. He was now aware that Tony wanted to be a rapper, the Skanks were planning something big, and that the new C2 had half the calories and carbs of the regular Coke. Was this weird or what?

"You just hate me because I'm black!" Tony yelled back to Riff. Then, looking at his apron and doo-rag ensemble, he mercilessly cried. He took off his apron and walked outside into the back alley and did the only thing a real man could do in this situation...

He started to sing.

"Could be... who knows? There's something due any day. What will I say?

Insert a songfic to the tune of Something's Coming

Later that night

The Jets arrived at the Gym in their best suits and such. The only person who was not dressed was Tiger who was still wearing that damn black bandana. Fortunately, no one took notice that that was the only thing he was wearing. Even A-Rab had gotten dressed up as he could be seen sportin' his new tuxedo-turban. There was something a little suspicious about him...

The gym was full of dancers and singers alike. Strobe lights were dazzling and flashing all over as the antique disco ball rotated gradually and brilliantly. As it was inevitable, the Skanks were spotted close at hand over by the punch bowl table eating hors d'oeuvres of sushi.

Tony managed to sneak in and found his way to the other end of the gym where a turn table and beatbox were wildly spinning and playing some very irregular- but surly ghetto - beats.

Riff and his companions huddled together as the high school principal came to the microphone in the center of the gym.

"Laaaadieeeees and gentlemen! Let's get reeeaaddddyy tooo ruuuuummmmbbbbbblllleeee!" he cried out dramatically. Then, looking embarrassed by the various confused and perplexed looks he was receiving, he immediately corrected himself. "Yes, um, uh, welcome to tonight's dance at the gym! I am proud to present you with tonight's entertainment, American Idol's Losing-Singer-Turned-Professional - "

Everyone cheered in hopes that Clay Aiken would soon appear, but alas they were let down when the principal announced - "

" - William Hung!"

The crowd went dead instantly dead. The Skanks hid their faces in humiliation, for William Hung was an utter disgrace to Asians everywhere.

"And, singing his #1 hit - 'She Bangs!'"

William made his way to the stage, avoiding several jeers and thrown tomatoes. Where the heck everyone was getting tomatoes remained a mystery. Word was that there was a Heinz factory nearby.

"Talk to me, tell me your name. You blow me off like it's all the same - "

Commentary

"Hello, this is producer Steven Spielberg here for the 'South Side Sing-A-Long DVD Audio Commentary'. Sure, it wasn't the greatest idea to have William Hung as the guest singer for the dance at the gym, but we were sort of low on budgets. Still to this day i regret spending a whopping $5,800,000 on 'Jurassic Park: The Lost World' which eventually ended up in sequel hell along with my $700,000 waste on 'Jaws III'. But, seeing that Both Ricky Martin and John Williams composed the music, it only made sense that 'She Bangs' should make its way onto the soundtrack at a reasonably cheap price."

Back to the Story

The crowd went wild. Who knew that such a horribly bad singer could sell 100,000 albums? The party-goers seemed to enjoy the music eventually, especially when everyone chimed in for the chorus: "She bangs! She Bangs! Oh baby, cuz she moves! She moves! She looks like a fly but stings like a bee, like every girl in history!"

Tony slid off and out of the way towards the beatbox central for his rap battle. The crowd was throwing theirs hands in the air yelling something like 'the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go...', but Tony was more concerned with his own lyrics which were madly driving around his head faster than a hobo after a ham sandwich. He was indeed wearing his old school ghetto-style clothing and even had his own rapper name picked out.

"Alrigh, alirgh, dat wuz em-in-em, wit hiz Tony-award winning rap." the announcer announced. "Now throw yer hands in da air for are next contestant - White Chocolate!"

Tony got up the microphone, his palms were sweaty, his knees were weak and arms were heavy. His shirt was stained form his mom's spaghetti..... then he began...

"My name is Tony, my friends call me Bloom

and if you mess with me dog, boy you're gonna face your doom!

I'm cool like a penguin, slick like a tuxedo,

so hook me up with a gooey Enchirido!"

The crowd yelled out "Go Tony! It's your birthday! Go Tony! It's your birthday!"

"My hair is bleach blond, my eyes are shiny blue

Can't run from me boy, my Elven eyes will spot you!

Sauron's my enemy and Gimli is my friend,

I'm and Elf myself and I come from Lorien!

Though Uruk-hai are advanced, Orcs don't stand a chance

When you see my arrows flying boy you ougtta dance!

My favorite movie of all time is "The Legend of Beggar Vance"

Buccaneers, buried gold is what I be seein'

When I'm cruising down the South Side in the Caribbean

I'm cruel when I duel, so just obey this rule:

If you take on Johnny Depp and I then boy you act a fool!

I'm a pirate in disguise, the plot was very wise,

The Black Pearl members tried, but in the end they still all died

I'm a Greek geek, but I'm no average boy

'Cuz I'm the sexy hunk who played in the movie "Troy"

I haven't seen the movie yet, but dogg this what I know:

Archellies is a major wimp, and plus he's kinda slow

I sky-dive and play pool, I go to Home Depot for my tools

Don't do drugs and alcohol kids, just stay in school!"

There was a euphoria which erupted in the crowd. Cheers and w00ts were thrown back at Tony. It was an eternally blissful moment...

"Alrigh, alrigh, alrigh! It seemz we hav a winna inda hiz-ouse! But letz see afta our final contestant - " Tony missed the guy's name due to another jubilant ravenous applause.

Another white guy got up to the mic and began:

"Fosheezy m' neezy! Pimpin' old school ninja wha-aaaaaaaaat! Backlane! Switch lane! break it down ya'll an' holla back youngins' n' oldins'! mcdonalds mcdonalds! kentuckey fried chicken and a pizza hut wha-aaaaaaaaat! peace motha in the bronx an' all da hood and whitey just struck back!"

There was an upsurge of ovation equal to that of Tony's performance. The contest was close. Too close. Closer than a nineteen sixty-five spandex basketball uniform. Finally, the announcer got up.

"An' da' winna iz - - ICE!"

It was over. Tony turned around to face his successor - and was shocked. It was Ice, his friendly gang-mate and partner in crime. It was Ice, baby!

"Ice! What are you doin here dog?" Tony inquired.

"Man, dude, I owns dis joint! I be rappin since Bert an' Ernie taught me meh ABC's! Man dem two be old school!"

Tony concurred.

"Well, looks like I lost. I shall have to forsake my rappin days eternally." Tony said gloomily.

"It's alright Tony, I got some good news."

"What's that?"

"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"

Tony was ecstatic. Alas, a God did exist.

But just as quickly as that thought came into being, shouting and loud noises alike had exploded on the opposite end of the gym.

"What's going on?" asked Tony.

"It seems like a fight had started about three and a half minutes ago..."

Three and a half minutes ago

Riff and his bullies had cornered the Skanks over at the punch bowl table. The Skanks were prepared for this very moment.

"You want start something?" asked a random Skank.

Riff snarled. Bernardo hissed. Action growled. Chino sneered. A-Rab scowled. Baby John pouted and burped.

"You ain't got the guts do ya? Do ya? Punk?" Riff barked.

"We got guts!"

Well then.... Let's get it on!" Riff roared.

At that moment, two Japanese men whose names may or may not have been Guy and Kenny walked out wearing traditional Japanese clothing which totally did not suit them.

"Welcome to tonight's show of 'Most Extreme Elimination Challenge'!" My-Name-Might-or-Might-Not-Be-Kenny said. "Tonight, The Skanks versus The Jets as they battle each over to see who really owns these streets! Tonight's games include Boulder Dash, Door Slammer, and Dash of Death! Let's get it on!"

The gym had suddenly been transfigured into a giant slope where large rocky boulders were constantly falling down. The two gangs surrounded the base as the other dance guests began chanting something in Japanese.

"Our first contestant is Ma Haggi Chi Mabbawabba from the Skanks. His hobbies include cat-hunting and tying his hair into one hell of a rat tail" announced Guy/Kenny. "And he's going up the slope - whoa! - almost got him there and - WHAM! - oh no, he's out for the count!" Ha Maggi fell out under the boulder and wanly walked off.

"Our next contestant is Baby John of the Jets who -" but before Is-My-Name-Guy? could say anything else, that arrogant little bastard proudly tackled the course, only to get instantly knocked out and recieve a major concussion to his forehead. He ran off the course crying like the Baby John he is.

"Our Next contestant is Bernardo, who enjoys spaghetti dinners and home movies" Bernardo gracefully and tranquilly escalated up the slope with a few near-death collisions and a victorious ending. "And he's made it! That sets the score at Jet: 0 and Skanks: 1"

The gang members exited the gym along with their roaring Japanese fans and went out into the hallways for Door Slammers. The object was to smash into as many unlocked doors while avoiding the locked ones. Riff and Ice, who decided to join in, had managed to successfully clear the course and earn a few points while others, sadly, became seriously injured while head-banging themselves into locked doors. There was a small moment of silence before the last and final event.

"The score is Skanks: 4 and Jets: 3. This last event is Dash of Death. The object is -"

"-to run across several stepping stones spread over a mucky river and try to avoid the sabotaged platforms." said Tony, who was only watching since he was still depressed from losing his rap battle. "Yawn."

"Actually," said The-Men-Known-As-Kenny-and-Guy said together. "The goal here is to run form one end of the gym to the other without out being killed by a psychotic leather-faced chainsaw homicidal maniac whom we have found deep within the depths of Texas!" And sure enough, there stood Leatherface who held his chainsaw high above his head in a psychotic leather-faced chainsaw homicidal maniac way which only someone from the deep, dark depths of Texas would do. "Everyone who dies scores points for the other team. And.... BEGIN!"

The contestants, who were totally unprepared for this, took off running as Leatherface madly chased after them. Riff could hear blood-curdling screams as he panted heavily making his way to the opposite end of the gym. He felt thick dripping crimson paint splatter (which he later deducted as blood) against his back as he took off. He was drenched in sweat from fear and extreme exercise. Riff then got off the exercise bike and continued running.

More screams from behind him. Riff was driven halfway to insanity when he saw the other end of the gym. He was almost there when -

There was blood all over the floor. He slipped and fell and toppled over Action. Leatherface sprinted up to them, chainsaw raised, and ready top attack when -

"Wait," interjected Tony. "This makes no sense. Leatherface never existed. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based off of grisly local deaths, not some horrific leather-faced maniac!"

With that, Leatherface disappeared in a puff of smoke. Riff looked quite relieved after having escaped murder form that psycho, but then cried realizing that his death in the movie was still inevitable.

"And the final tally is Jets: 210,098,003 and Skanks: 6" said the announcing duo. "See you all next time on MXC!"

"Six?" asked Tiger "Who from our team died?"

"Only Snowboy and Joyboy, but they serve no importance in the movie, so it only makes sense to kill them off" said director George Lucas, who was sitting peacefully on the bleachers.

Tiger was glad. Not only had they gotten rid of the two most unpopular gang members and being able to get away with it, but they but a major dent in the Chinese population since so many of them decided to join. It was an event that killed more people than the Running of the Bulls.

Tony examined the gym. Decapitated body parts littered the ground, blood stained the floor, and the whole place was one giant bloodbath. The janitor was going to have a field day.

And that's when he saw her.

The janitor walked out wearing a gray jumpsuit and one of those funny janitor hats. She was so beautiful with her Spanish eyes and thick unibrow. She took a gander at the floor and cried.

"Tony!" she said "I can't do this alone!"

"That's why I'm here, Maria... we can do it together"

"Tony... I love you!"

So, without knowing how the two knew each other's names, they cleansed the floor of the gym top to bottom. She turned to Tony and smiled. "Tony? Can we run away from our feuding gangs? I don't want to see any our friends dead in a knife battle of see you shot innocently. Please? Please can we run away and live in London where we will have a son named Harry who will have a lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead and one day destroy the most powerful Dark Wizard of all time?"

"Anything you want Maria....,"spoke Tony. "Anything..."

At that moment, Chino and Bernardo came in and grabbed Maria "How dare you clean gym floor with her! She does it alone! You American heathen!" After saying that, they dragged her off.

Tony sat there and cried his heart out. He was very depressed. He lost his rap battle, had his one true love taken away form him, and to top it all off, Riff hadn't been in character all chapter.

Tony sobbed.

The lights faded.

Tony crashed into the bleachers since he couldn't see.

He was all alone

Comments: Yes, we are aware that Legolas is from Mirkwood, not Lorien. Hey, i wanna see YOU find something that rhymes with Mirkwood. Smirk wood? Lurk could? Yeah... I like how that works.

That phrase Catherine Z-J says in Spanish is supposed to say "Sorry. They want me to go to Los Angeles to play in the musical 'South Side Sing-A-Long'. I can't say no! Bye!"

Please review! If you don't bad luck and misfortune will haunt your pathetic soul for all eternity. I'm serious.