Title: You Want To Build A What?

Author: Mayetra

Website: http:torturedscribes.feybles.com

Disclaimer: I don't own them and I make no profit from this story.

Special Warnings: Slash overtones, Mature Subject Matter, and per my beta: Do not drink or eat anything while reading this fic. Author will not be held responsible for drinks spewed on keyboards.

Beta: Beryll

Cast: Haldir, Orophin, Rúmil, and The Fellowship

Timeline: AU during FotR

Author's Note: This is part of a collection of stories written under a joint penname, ElfnDwarf. Though Hedda, the Dwarf part of the penname, did not help to write this story, she deserves credit for helping to come up with the initial concept and bouncing bunnies with me. Some of our other fics written under the ElfnDwarf penname can be found either on the website above or under fic recommendations.

Spoilers: Not Really

Summary: Haldir proposes an outrageous idea to his brothers... and it just might work.

"You want to build a what?" Orophin screeched.

"A whorehouse," Haldir answered him calmly.

"What ever gave you this idea?" Rúmil asked. He was a bit intrigued by the proposal.

"Well, you know how we are always chasing off Humans and other manner of folk from the edge of the woods," Haldir said.

"Yeah," Rúmil replied with a nod.

"I just got to thinking that before we chased them off, we could turn a little profit for ourselves," Haldir said with a cunning smirk.

Orophin gaped openmouthed at his eldest brother.

A slow smile spread across Rúmil's face. "I do believe that is the best idea you've had this century, Haldir."

"What," Orophin squeaked. "How can you say that, Rúmil?" He turned a furious glare on Haldir and continued in a much bolder tone of voice, "As for you, Haldir, how dare you even suggest we lower ourselves to... to... prostitution!"

Haldir and Rúmil exchanged a look of exasperation.

"Orophin," Haldir turned to his youngest brother, "I would never dare to suggest such a thing. Though, I would say you could use a good romp in the sack to soothe your prickly disposition a bit."

Rúmil snorted and muttered under his breath, "It would take more than one."

Orophin ignored him, choosing instead to continue his protest of Haldir's 'brilliant' scheme. "And just who do you propose we get to whore for us?"

Haldir sighed in exasperation at Orophin. "Leave the planning to me, Orophin."

"Well now, Haldir, he does have a good point. We will need some whores and a nice variety to satisfy our various customers."

Haldir ponder this a moment. "I was thinking we could use a human or two."

"Nice," Rúmil nodded his approval. "Maybe one brunette and one blonde."

"Yeah," Haldir agreed with a dreamy look on his face.

Orophin stared at his two older brothers with a look of horror on his face. "Aren't you forgetting one small detail?"

Haldir looked over at him with one dark brow raised. "What detail would that be?"

Orophin shot him a smug grin. "The Lady Galadriel will never let you get away with running a house of ill-repute on her borders."

"Lady Galadriel will never know about it," Haldir replied smoothly.

"And exactly how do you propose to keep it from her?" Orophin asked him. "She sees all, Haldir."

"Not everything, dear brother," Haldir said with a wide smile.

"Really?" Rúmil asked him.

"She has a blind spot," Haldir answered with relish.

"No she doesn't," Orophin retorted aghast. How dare his brother say such a thing about their lady?

Haldir sighed once again and silently asked the Valar for patience. "Orophin," He said very slowly as if talking to a Human child, "Galadriel has a girdle around the Naith of the Golden Woods, correct?"

"Yes," Orophin answered him, not sure where Haldir was going with his observations.

"And she sees just about everything beyond our borders, right?" Haldir continued.

"Yes," Orophin snapped, getting a bit impatient.

"Then why do we have to guard the borders?" Haldir asked him.

Rúmil got the logic of Haldir's questions first. "Because she can't see what is happening here!"

"Exactly," Haldir answered him with a broad smile. "She's as blind as the proverbial bat when it comes to the area between the girdle and the edge of the Golden Woods."

"How do you know that, Haldir," Orophin asked, not quite trusting his elder brother.

"Because Lord Celeborn told me," Haldir replied smugly.

"Sauron's balls, Haldir, this means we can do what we want and she'll never know," Rúmil exclaimed excitedly.

Orophin, however, had fixated on another part of Haldir's reply. "When did Lord Celeborn tell you that?"

A faint blush tinged Haldir's cheeks but he quickly recovered his composure. "Never mind when he told me, Orophin, just be content in the knowledge that the Lady will never know what we are doing out here."

Comprehension dawned on Orophin and he turned bright red. "Haldir! What exactly were you and Lord Celeborn doing last month when he came to visit the border?"

"I said never mind," Haldir ground out between gritted teeth. "It's none of your business." He quickly changed the subject, "Now where were we?"

"Two Humans," Rúmil supplied helpfully.

"How about some Hobbits," Haldir suggested.

"Hobbits?" Orophin asked quizzically. He still didn't think this was a smashingly brilliant idea.

"Little people with big hairy feet," Rúmil answered him offhandedly. He turned back to Haldir, "Yeah, but how many do you think we should get?"

"Four should do nicely," Haldir replied after considering the question for a moment.

"Hairy feet... Haldir why would anyone want to... shag a little person with hairy feet?" Orophin interjected.

"Novelty," Haldir answered.

"Speaking of novelties, what about a Dwarf?" Rúmil asked.

Haldir made a face. "Well, I guess we should keep one on hand for those... special orders. We are still missing something, though. The gem of our whorehouse."

"An Elf?" Rúmil suggested.

"Yes," Haldir agreed, "But where do we get one? We can't exactly use someone from the Lothlórien, and Imladris is out of the question. Too bad we couldn't get a hold of one of Thranduil's people."

"Yeah," Rúmil added a bit forlornly.

Orophin thought both his brothers were completely out of their minds and he told them as much. "So, what you idiots are saying is that you need two Humans: one blonde and one brunette, four Hobbits, a Dwarf, and an Elf from Mirkwood!"

Haldir and Rúmil both nodded.

"Yeah, that should just about do it for starters," Haldir added.

"And where exactly do you think you are going to find them?" Orophin asked a bit caustically.

Haldir shrugged and added cryptically, "Oh, I think the Valar shall provide us with everything we need."

Orophin was about make another nasty comment when the sound of voices reached him along with the smell of unwashed bodies. His sharp eyes made out the figures in the distance...eight in all. He turned to stare incredulously back at Haldir.

Haldir flashed him a smug smile. "Like I said, the Valar shall provide..."

The End