Thanks to the lovely conversation between Clam Chowder1 and myself, and inspired by the latest chapter of her fic, The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue, I bring you a disturbing piece of fiction. Beware, it's Grawp/Firenze with a hint of Harry--Hermione, Harry--Draco, Firenze--Dumbledore and Grawp--Hermione.

[Slap-info: Some random time in the Trio's 6th year, Grawp lives in the forest and Firenze appears randomly 'cause he can.]

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It was another one of those days. Grawp could hear the happy students meandering about the school grounds. And he could hear her voice. So soft, so kind. It rang in his ears like the bells of joy.

"Oh Ron, don't be ridiculous! If you had read 'Hogwarts, a History', you'd know that blah-blah-blah!"

Grawp smiled. He remembered the day he had met 'Hermy'. Hagrid had brought Hermy and Harry (hiss) over to meet him. She had been very scared and had hidden behind that meddling raven-haired boy the whole time. Now Grawp frowned. He had been so afraid to admit his feelings to Hermy, afraid that The-Boy-Who-Lived would kick his pitiful ass. After the pair had left, and Hagrid had said goodbye, Grawp had gone to Firenze to admit his feelings about the little human. Firenze hadn't been too understanding.

"I know that it's hard for you to... to like someone of, er... of another kind, Grawp. But you have to understand tha-that, well, cross-breeding is just out of the question! You must lock your feelings away, contact with the humans is fine, but love?"

He had said this with the most pained expression on his face. Grawp remembered it well, he had always suspected that Firenze had hidden feelings for Dumbledore. But today, today would be different! Today, the now somewhat-but-not-completely-well-spoken Grawp would admit his feelings to Hermy!

"GRAAWWWPPPPYYYY WANT HERMYYYY!"

Hermione, who had been arguing with Ron about blah-blah-blah, immediatly turned around. Ron didn't notice, as he was blabbering away about blah-blah- blah, but Harry noticed as well and jumped to his feet.

"GRAWP WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SEEN GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!"

"Harry!" gasped Hermione, amazed "Where did you learn to talk like that?"

He mumbled something that sounded faintly like "Marffuroy fawkerd mehmph"

Hermione huffed, and followed Grawp, who had fled back into the forest. Grawp was running rather quickly for a giant his size, but he was so embarrassed, the last thing he wanted was for Hermy to see his reddening face.

She finally caught up to him.

"GRAWPY SORRY GRAWPY NOT MEAN TO BE A FUCKTART!"

Hermione sighed, and sat down on a rock that looked suspiciously like a chair.

"Listen, Grawp, you have to understand that as long as students are out here, you have to stay in the forest!"

"BUT GRAWPY WANT TO TELL HERMY SUMTHAN"

"Well... alright. Just don't take too long, I have to get back to establishing a red herring for the GoodShippers by arguing with Ron while Harry, unknown to the reader, stares at my ass!"

Grawp sat down on a rock opposite of Hermione's, his looking suspiciously like a rock.

"GRAWP... Grawp... Grawp... like Hermy"

"I beg your pardon?"

"GRAWP LIKE HERMY RAWR!"

She squeaked.

"Oh! Oh... Oh Grawp... Oh this... this is bad. Oh Grawp you can't! I-I-I don't think... this won't work out! I don't like you- I mean, I don't like you that way! I'm so sorry Grawp, I know Hagrid's mum was human, it's just- Oh Grawp I'm in love with Harry!"

Grawp bristled. He knew that stupid boy would stop him!

"GRAWP MUST KILL HARRY POTTY!"

Hermione screamed. She whipped out her wand and pointed it at the giant.

"OH NO YOU DON'T, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

At this point, Harry himself came rushing through the trees, holding out his wand and pointing it at the ugly baby.

"DON'T YOU FUCKIND DARE LAY A FUCKING HAND ON HER YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! STUPIFY!"

The curse hit Grawp right in the eye, and with his eye disabled, the clumsy giant tripped over his own over-grown toenails, hit a tree, and was knocked out by the eggs that fell out of the perfectly-placed bird's nest.

Harry breathed in and out heavily.

"HERMIONE! Are you alright?"

"Oh, yes, yes! Harry I'm great! Let's shag!"

So they did. It was hot and I've never written a shag scene and I'm not starting now. Just use your own imagination. Or not.

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Grawp woke up at midnight by the rock that looked like a rock. He felt a huge bump on his right eyebrow. The pain was unbearable.

"OW!" he yelled.

He trodded off to the castle, and without being noticed, into Firenze's classroom-forest-thingy, which was as damp and hot as ever.

"OW!" he repeated.

Firenze, who had been sleeping with his hand massasing a stuffed version of a cock, woke up with a start.

"Dear gods, Grawp you startled me so! Don't ever do that again!"

"Grawp sorry. Grawp sad."

"Whatever is the matter?"

Grawp told Firenze his story, and never let their eye contact break. And if you're curious, Firenze was still holding the stuffed cock. Once Grawp finished, Firenze put the penis down, and walked over to Grawp. He patted his arm, as that was as far as he could reach.

"Grawp, I thoguht I told you not to tell her? It's just not right!"

"But Haggy mother was human! RAWR!"

"Oh but Grawp that was because of timing! They both were drunk and.. and well they were sex-deprived! Four days without it, can you imagine? And well, things happened, hot things, I'll tell you that..." Firenze's eyes went misty with lust.

"God, that story made me hard."

Grawp blinked.

"What's hard?"

"Oh! I'll explain sex to you!" He grabbed his stuffed cock. "See, this is a penis, Grawp. The male species uses it to please and fertilize a woman! A woman has, you see, erm... well, think of it as a pillow!"

He grabbed a pillowcase from his bed and put the cock into it.

"See? That's what we call sexual intercourse. But there's other kinds! Like, oral!" At this, Firenze stuffed the cock into his mouth.

"Yum!"

Grawp stared, intrigued.

"Grawp want know can males do sex?"

At this Firenze flushed a bit. "Well, yes," He avoided Grawp's eyes. "Dumbledore... Dumbledore and I, we-we were lovers a while back"

Grawp rolled his eyes. Just as he had suspected.

"But really, that's all over now! I-I have new sights now..." he trailed off, and set his eyes on Grawp.

"Grawp," he whispered "I want you."

Again, Grawp blinked.

"But, but how men do sex?"

Firenze giggled. "I'll show you"

[SEX OCCURS, IT IS ANAL, IT IS HOT]

Firenze moaned. The pain in his ass was getting greater and greater, but the pleasure in his cock overwhelmed it. Grawp, at his size, was able to fuck Firenze from the behind, and kiss him and give him a blowjob at the same time. Incredible, no?

Grawp didn't moan. He had gulped down a magical silencing potion, as Firenze was afraid that Grawp's maons would awaken the whole castle. But he continued stroking the giant's hand and face, and whatever else he could reach (which wasn't much, mind you).

[SEX CONCLUDES, IMAGINE IT YOURSELF]

"And that (huff huff) is how males have sex, Grawp. That is how..."

"GRAWP IN HEAT"

"I know! I know! You're so much better than Dumbledore! Gods, how I wish I could have had you before. I pray this happens again. Gods, gods.."

"GRAWP NEED ASS"

"Yes, yes, grab my ass, squeeze it, squeeze it..."

And there they layed, and by that I mean both terms, and snuggled til six in the morning, until the castle woke up to a semen-flooded Great Hall.

The End.

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Yay! Okay, flames and reviews appreciated. This is my first submission here, and at that, my first fanfic of any kind. I would really like to hear your opinions, be they good or bad!

-SpicyLemon