Everything Wrong with It

A Monstrosity by TypoNumber5

A/N – I started this parody back in '04, so unless you've had me on your alerts since then, chances are this is your first time reading this story. I've been absent from the YGO section of FF-dot-net for quite sometime, so I'm not sure how "up-to-date" this fic is. The only major change I can think of is the fact that Yami Yugi's real name was not widely known/hadn't been revealed when this all began, so if you prefer "Atemu" then tough cookies.

All this is written in good humor, and I hope no one takes offence.

Disclaimer – Yu-Gi-Oh is property of Kazuki Takahashi and various other companies. This is merely a fanfiction by a fan for fans. Not for sale, rent, or auction.

Chapter 1 - The New Girl... She's HOT!

It was a rainy Tuesday morning. Domino High had just started, and Yugi Mutou sat with his friends at the back of class. For no reason whatsoever, Malik was there and all the yamis had their own bodies. Yami Malik included-- although who in their right minds would want that psychopath marching around a school full of innocent people is beyond me.

Anyway, just as Yugi was about to suggest a game of Duel Monsters, Shadi appeared out of nowhere. "PHARAOH!" he bellowed in a very un-Shadi way.

Yami Yugi looked up from strangling Yami Bakura, who will be called Bakura from now on while his hikari is Ryou because I'm lazy. Anyway, Yami Yugi looked up from attempting murder and glared at Shadi with his beautiful crimson eyes that were actually purple.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

"I have come to warn you, Pharaoh," Shadi announced in a dramatic voice, "of a great evil the likes of which this world has never seen."

All present gasped in unison.

"What... what kind of evil?" Jounouchi gasped.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!!" Honda cried and ran out of the room crying. Surprisingly, neither the rest of the class or teacher noticed.

"An evil evil." Shadi looked around ominously. "But do not fear. You will find help... a great help..." And with that, the turban clad man jumped out the window.

Bakura stood up rubbing his neck. "What was THAT about? "

Ryou looked at his yami. "I don't know. He was warning us about evil."

"Yes, but what KIND of evil?" Malik asked in all seriousness.

"An evil evil," his yami answered. The authoress reflects on the fact that she has just written this conversation.

Suddenly, there was a clap of thunder. All present jumped two and three fourths feet into the air. Jounouchi wet his pants.

Following the thunder, and ignoring the Laws of Physics, was a flash of lightening. The power went out for a few seconds. When it came back on, everyone looked to the front of the class to see the most beautiful girl anyone on the face of the earth had ever seen.

She had dark purple hair that glistened blue in the light and had lavender highlights. It hung loosely around her perfect face and cascaded down her back to her waist. The girl's eyes were the exact shade of lavender that her highlights were, and silver and gold flecks were scattered though her irises like a glitter lamp. She was wearing a skimpy pink halter-top that showed off her perfect stomach and low-rise black jeans with a diamond-studded belt. She didn't have to wear a uniform. Because I said so.

"Ah, you must be the new transfer student from Egypt," the teacher said.

"Yes," She answered in a voice like a bird's song. "I am Perikan Shinju."

"She's hot," said Malik.

"She's sexy," said Yami Malik.

"She's gorgeous," said Ryou.

"She's breathe-taking," said Yugi.

"She's pretty," said Jounouchi.

"She's angelic," said Bakura.

" She's my WIFE!" said Yami Yugi.

Anzu, who has been ignored thus far, huffed and stuck out her leg to trip Yami Yugi as he leapt from his desk and galloped to the front of the room. Unfortunately, Anzu is another female and therefore a threat to our precious romance between Perikan and random male characters. So instead of tripping, Yami kicked the dancer's foot out of the way and was not bothered.

"Oh, Amentet!" he cried, grabbing Perikan's hands. "How I've missed you!"

Perikan blinked at him. "I'm sorry, but… what?"

Yami Yugi's filled with tears. "You... you don't remember?" She shook her head, confused. Yami Yugi gazed into her perplexed eyes. Maybe this isn't her... he thought. But how could it not be? No one else in all the world could be that beautiful... Except maybe another mary sue. But we won't go into that.

Anyway, Yami Yugi was filled with grief. How could his own wife not remember him? Blinking away his aforementioned tears, he slowly walked back to his seat and slumped into the chair. Normally, Yugi would find out what was wrong, but he was too entranced by the new girl to notice.

Meanwhile, Perikan was trying to decide where to sit. Finally she chose to sit down at the open desk that was conveniently placed in the middle of all the bishounen. It had, in fact, been Anzu's seat, but fangirls don't like Anzu so she had been moved over next to Honda.

The day went on, and the boys spent all their time goggling at Perikan. She was so... mesmerizing! Now it was the last class of the day, math, and none of them had bothered to even find out what homework was.

"...so, Mr. Ishtar, what is the square root of 4036.0609?"

Malik looked up abruptly, surprised at hearing his name. "Huh?"

The teacher glared at him. "Have you been paying attention, Mr. Ishtar?"

"Uh, yeah," Malik lied. "The answer is, um..."

"Sixty three and fifty three hundredths," a voice from beside him whispered.

Malik turned to see who had spoken. It was none other than our beloved Pelican Pearl—I mean Perikan Shinju. Malik blinked at her. Then he turned to the teacher and said, "Sixty three and fifty three hundredths!"

The teacher, oblivious to the obvious fact that the new student had given him the answer, scowled at Malik. "Correct." He stomped off.

Malik turned back to Perikan. "Thanks."

"It was nothing," she replied with a smile. Malik felt his heart flutter. Like a butterfly. A blue one… with golden spots and a curly proboscis.

Just then, the bell rang. Everyone filed out, except Yami Yugi. He was still upset and was staring dejectedly at his desk. Yugi simply followed the new girl, forgetting about his best friend. Spirit. Thing.

Perikan flipped her hair over her shoulder and marched out of school. When she got outside, she smiled and stretched. Then she began walking home.

Of course, she knew Yugi was following her. She had a Secret she couldn't tell anybody, and because of this Secret she could tell if people were following her. In any case, she decided to lose Yugi.

She sped up her pace and began turning random corners. She jaywalked across streets and cut through yards. Still Yugi followed her. So she decided to do something dangerous...

She ran across the road without looking both ways!

Yugi gasped as the perfect girl ran... just as a huge limo sped into view. Perikan saw the limo and froze. The limo hit her at 43.2 miles per hour!

Perikan rolled over on the street, her eyes a pair of cartoonish Xs. Yugi tried to run out from the bush to save her, but his foot was caught. He gave a strangled yell and looked over toward the limo. Out of it came none other than Seto Kaiba. Yugi frowned.

The CEO walked over to the girl. How could his driver be so stupid as to hit a person wearing such a bright shirt?! Although, it does look really good on her, he thought as he peered down at her. She was that new girl... He hadn't realized how pretty she was.

"Kaiba-sama!" The driver ran out. "I am so sorry! She just ran in front of the--"

"You're fired," Kaiba said, standing up with Perikan in his arms. He gently put her in the limo and snatched the driver's nifty hat from his head. "What are you still doing here?" He asked.

"Uhh..." The driver appeared to be in shock.

Kaiba shook his head and put the driver's cap on. Getting into the front seat of the limo, he drove off into the sunset with Perikan laid out dramatically in the backseat...